Broken Hearted - Bad Experience with Single Female

[starlinn]

Prologue
After reading so much advice on this board I am really desiring to have this experience with my Husband and doing it the right way.But I will wait and cool off a little bit because somewhere deep inside this may still be a desire to"even the score".
D Girl,
This is the best thing for you to do. You are going through all the emotions that a person who has been cheated on goes through (shock, insecurity, anger, revenge...) I am glad that you are working it out, and it sounds like the walls are falling and the communication between you both is opening up. Please continue to talk about these things, but, do me a favor. You say you believe what your husband says. Do not continue to ask for every detail. You are just opening yourself up for more pain. I wish you both the very best. I hope, in the future, that you both can experience your fantacies and desires together. You are a team in everything that you do.

[TeamSoBe]

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

After reading so much advice on this board I am really desiring to have this experience with my Husband and doing it the right way.But I will wait and cool off a little bit because somewhere deep inside this may still be a desire to"even the score".

This exact scenario has happened to my wife and I. In both directions believe it or not. She started things up with a girl and then passed out and then was we're-getting-divorced pissed off the next day. I've also done the same thing in reverse to her at least once that I know of.

In our case, for both of us, the solution was to desensitize and demystify by having more sex adventures, not less. When I passed out and woke up to her fucking a friend of mine I was really hurt and I wanted to know every detail about what I had missed. It's such an extreme and rare thing and I was left out of it. We went forward with that and did other MFM's intentionally so that I could participate. She let me take more control of the situation so that I felt like it was my idea. It made my left-out incident seem like a learning experience instead of some big painful relationship issue. Same thing for her, now that she's seen me with women and been fully involved, the night that I kept going after she passed out doesn't seem like a big deal to her. Not that we're planning on future incidents like that but if accidents happen in the future then it will be way less of an issue.

People here will probably tell you that your plan to wait a while is best because you need a strong relationship before you try to swing. I disagree because you've already started so that's a moot issue. Because of what happened you no longer have the option of waiting to start until you're at the perfect planetary alignment point in your relationship. You started. The issue now is whether you can get back on the horse and learn to enjoy it or whether you stew on it and make it more complex in your head for months. Life is just too short for months of tension and insecurity and animosity. My opinion is do it again as soon as you think that you would enjoy it, just make sure that it's set up so that you're the one in control and feeling comfortable this time around. You can be submissive and still be in control if you're with the right people. Raving lunatic exhibitionist drunk dominatrix lady is probably not 'the right people' for you.

And don't think it's bad to want to 'even the score'. Spitefulness and extreme tit for tat situations are unproductive but you're right to want some fun too. Assert your sex drive. Your urge to get some of your own since you were too passed out to enjoy the first time is healthy and normal. I didn't really get past my pain until I stopped suppressing the admission that I wanted to have a party for me, too. Once I got that off of my chest and we went out and made some fun adventures for me, as a couple, we were over that whole ordeal.

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by TeamSoBe

the night that I kept going after she passed out .

Thanks so much for your post.It helps to know its not such a disaster or that we were alone in our mistake.Why did you keep going though?As a man is it simply because of needing to "get off" Do you completely just tune your partner out at that point? I wish I could understand...But I am taking starlins advice.I wont ask my husband anymore for details,I know it hurts Him what happened...

[Daddy'sGirl]

[QUOTE=starlinn. You are going through all the emotions that a person who has been cheated on goes through (shock, insecurity, anger, revenge...) I am glad that you are working it out, and it sounds like the walls are falling and the communication between you both is opening up. .[/QUOTE]

So you would call what He did cheating? Even though I really did "get the ball rolling"?

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by starlinn

D Girl,
You are going through all the emotions that a person who has been cheated on goes through (shock, insecurity, anger, revenge...) .

Would you consider it cheating ..even though "I started it"?

[twoplayful2]

From what I've read I didn't see any reason why it would be your fault, I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Your husband got carried away (to put it nicely) and screwed up big time. It would appear that he is genuinely sorry and also that you don't want to leave him over this. I'd suggest you stick with the plan of giving it a little time to get over it and then try again to fullfill those fantasies. However, no matter how sorry someone might be that doesn't mean they're not going to do it again. You need to communicate very clearly and respect each other completely from this point on and he should be 110% looking out for you and your needs when in any situations like this and if he violates your trust again you'd be a fool to continue with him.

[invisibletouch]

Would you consider it cheating ..even though "I started it"?

Yes I would call it cheating and no you didn't start it in the same way he ended it! If he'd have just kissed and fondled her as you had done, then it may be more understandable & forgivable. He didn't stop, he knew for a fact you were passed out and still chose to take it all the way to intercourse without your input or permission. That is cheating in my book!
Plus making plans with her without telling you shows he's capable of secrecy and not stopping when he saw you were there' shows great disrespect for your feelings, pride & marriage. This is just my opinion,I"m sure others will disagree.

I'm sorry this happened to you; I know first hand how much pain & about all of the questions cheating can cause.
Forgive him if you can(it will take a while to even fully do that) but don't ever forget it completely. That doesn't mean to dwell on it; just be aware that he has the capability/mindset to do it and then tried to turn it back on you; so you feel like HIS choice to screw her was your fault.

[TeamSoBe]

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

Why did you keep going though?As a man is it simply because of needing to "get off"?

No I wasn't a robot looking for an orgasm or anything. In my case it was after our combined bachelor/bachelorette party. Hours in a full-contact strip club (Mons Venus, wuhoo!) getting lap dances from beautiful strippers with lots of groping, my future-wife on stage fully naked in front of a bunch of friends and tourists (she made over a hundred in tips that night!) and then a bunch of friends afterward drunk and crazy at a private hot tub party. She and I are in the hot tub and she turns to a friend of mine who was standing next to the tub and pulls his dick out and starts sucking him. She doesn't normally get into that so it was kind of crazy and it says how excited all of us were. I was cautious and reluctant to be too aggressive with anybody like I usually am so I was slower to get into it. The heat of the hot tub and the booze and the late night zonked her out after a while, after she hadn't really done much other than get everybody else moving.

The reason why I kept going was probably the same as with your guy, I was bombed out drunk just like my wife and I didn't even realize that she was gone and done. When I first started playing with the woman who I had sex with I didn't know that my girl was out because I was just trying to go with the flow of things and let myself get into the excitement, which I'm normally too cautious to do. By the time that woman and I had sex yes I had realized that my girl was zonked and I had even tried to rouse her. Booze led me to believe that continuing without her would be perfectly appropriate but of course that was just dumb and it wasn't at all. I fessed up the moment she woke up and she was initially alright with it but eventually got very jealous as she thought about it over the next week or two.

It wasn't a 'guy thing' that as a woman you can't understand, it was just a human making a dumb decision. A horny girl is capable of the exact same behavior. My horny girl in fact has made the exact same dumb decision. I don't fear secret sexual demons in her that I'll never understand, I just know that she can fuck up and make shitty horny decisions just like I can. And she feels terrible the next day just like I do. Now that I've seen how much it hurt her I'm not likely to make that same decision again because I care for her and I'm wiser now and I'm not just a life support system for a dick.

One of the many reasons why it's easy for me to do the right thing by my wife now at times like that is the fact that I know that I'm not passing up a rare and valuable opportunity when a girl comes on to me and my wife is unavailable. I can do the right thing in a stand-up way like a man rather than jumping on a fleeting chance to tap some strange. This, because I know that my wife would love to reward me for my loyalty after she wakes up from being passed out, by setting up another opportunity for me to tap some strange while she's competent to consent. That helps a LOT, I just have no urge to do anything wrong because I know I have the option of doing it right. Right now you're in a situation where it might or might not happen again and that's all up in the air so both of you are tempted and conflicted, wondering whether the fun could be worth the drama. It can be if you spend more effort trying to get the good parts right than on mulling over the bad parts.

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

Do you completely just tune your partner out at that point?

No, personally I have the opposite problem. It's almost impossible for me to tune her out during swinging and have my own fun. I have to fight to try to focus the attention that my play partners deserve rather than just staring at whatever my wife is doing. If I can be that way and this can still happen to me then there's no reason to assume that your husband is eager to tune you out for something better. Maybe he is or maybe he isn't but you can't assume that he's bored of you just because he had fun and went along with an adventure a little too enthusiastically. I really love and lust after my wife and I did what your husband did. Everybody fucks up sometimes. You would have far more reason to worry if he had tried to conceal it from you.

Oh and he might not be into telling you all of the details because he simply doesn't remember. He might not be reveling with you in how good the sex was because maybe it wasn't. In my case the sex itself su-hu-hu-hucked. It lasted probably less than a minute, I didn't get off, she didn't get off, it was just bad sex. My wife had a really hard time believing that I wasn't concealing anything from her, that it really truly was just bad, unmentionable sex. I know that she doesn't believe me that it lasted less than a minute and that I didn't enjoy it but really, all true.

It sounds like the woman that you guys picked up was a complete fiasco anyway so I wouldn't automatically assume that he loved it and that he's hiding that from you. It sounds like it sucked for him about as much as you. More if you keep punishing him. After he had sex with this woman apparently her head spun around a few times and she started to belittle him and then he had to go into protector mode to keep the crazy bitch from raping you. Think about that one for a minute, that's incredibly shitty sex from a guy's point of view. He doesn't get off, gets belittled by the girl he just stuck it to, then he's dealing with some crazy drunk unsatisfied lesbian lunatic and a jealous hurt wife at the same time. Can't fault the guy for being nervous about trying another adventure like that.

[Daddy'sGirl]

TEAM SOBE----

You are so blunt but abolutely hilarious..You are a very funny guy..and you make me feel relieved because most of what you said is what he said..that it lasted only about 10 minutes that he doesnt remember the details and that he didnt cum..so I am going to choose to believ it suhuuucked..lol.So tell me do you consider what you did cheating considering your wife got it started with some other guy?Didnt she in some ways contribute to the outcome?

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by Sunswept

I would invite you to consider stepping back to submissive.. or to a level that matches his understsanding and commitment to D/s?? This is not about love, this is about power exchange. You gave him your power. Even though you objected, you obeyed him, and he ended up misusing that. I am not sure it is wise for a sub to give her Dom any more or her than he can handle.

Thank You this is very very good advice.I never really thought that I was giving Him more than he can handle but I think you are right.We talked a lot about this topic recently its amazing to me how such a miserable situation is teaching us such valuable lessons about our relationship.How much we have kept to ourselves and kept from eachother.i am one who always looks for the silver lining in everything.For me I choose to believe this experience will bring us closer and more intuned to eachother mentally and spiritually.

[TeamSoBe]

Daddy'sGirl, thanks I'm thrilled if you're entertained, sounds like you need it.

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

So tell me do you consider what you did cheating considering your wife got it started with some other guy?Didnt she in some ways contribute to the outcome?

Well personally I think that "cheating" is way too simple a word to be applied to the sorts of relationships that you and I are attempting to have with our spouses. "Cheating" is a term from a black-or-white morality mentality that you can't apply to a bunch of people who are exploring the shades of gray in between.

In my case I did knowingly violate my future-wife's trust because I knew that she was passed out and I fucked the girl anyway. I didn't think of it as wrong at the time but if you had stopped the party energy and sat me down for five minutes and said "you know you shouldn't do that girl right?" then I would have slurred out "yeah I know okay I won't do it". But that just didn't happen and I violated her trust so call it "cheating" if you want. My wife had the sense to avoid such an emotionally charged word as "cheating" even during the times when she was pissed off. If that word had come up a lot during our conversations afterward then progress would have been much more difficult. Is your goal to assign blame and make somebody pay retribution or is your goal to have a good relationship with your husband and maybe get laid on the side? Your call. If your goal is to assign blame then all three of you are to blame so that doesn't help anybody.

The time I passed out, my very horny wife got kind of pressured by my extremely horny best friend (they were rolling on ecstasy at the time, I was sadly in a g-hole) into having sex. But before she would let him fuck her she made him move to the other side of a couch so that there was a visual barrier. So she knew that what she was doing was wrong. Then when I woke up wondering where they were they stopped having sex and concealed it and acted like nothing was up. They told me that they had just been talking. I was still in the mood to see some action and it was actually the first time she had been with anybody else since we had met, I was all excited by what I thought was a big event so they passed it off like they had never had sex and then let me push them together again. I figured it out months later, possibly years later I can barely remember now. I confronted her and she fessed up. Man I was hurt over that because that's a huge violation of trust. Because of how she handled that I really have no way of knowing whether there have been other incidents like that which she was just too chickenshit to tell me about.

So that was also "cheating" because it was a violation of trust? Or was it not because I stripped her clothes off for him before I passed out and then begged them to fuck after I woke up? Or is it too gray to call one way or another because we were intentionally exploring the boundaries of appropriateness? Obsessing over whether a word from vanilla morality applies to either of our situations would be pointless. In my case we both focused on learning to include each other in our escapades. Ours was more a problem of learning to synchronize our fun times to each other rather than a problem of am-I-right-to-feel-hurt or whatever. You were right to feel hurt but you would not be right to stew over feeling hurt for months without doing anything productive about it.

[TeamSoBe]

Oh, uh, addendum:

Drugs are bad, kids, m'kay?

Especially alcohol. Consume around sexy people at your own risk. Mind altering substances and the people who love them share the blame in all of these situations.

[TeamSoBe]

Originally Posted by Daddy'sGirl

For me I choose to believe this experience will bring us closer and more intuned to eachother mentally and spiritually.

You're right about that. Anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That rule applies to relationships too.

[Daddy'sGirl]

Originally Posted by TeamSoBe

My wife had the sense to avoid such an emotionally charged word as "cheating" even during the times when she was pissed off. If that word had come up a lot during our conversations afterward then progress would have been much more difficult. Is your goal to assign blame and make somebody pay retribution or is your goal to have a good relationship with your husband and maybe get laid on the side? Your call. If your goal is to assign blame then all three of you are to blame so that doesn't help anybody.

.

Actually I havent used that word at all.I was actually pretty shocked to see it used in this thread which is why I have been asking about it.I agree we were all to blame.I am not going to "play" victim or anything close to it.I just really needed to understand what the heck happened before I could begin the process of really letting it go and not having it stuck in my craw for months and months eating away at our marriage and our future happiness.

And for the record..yes you are very funny.

[WesternSwing]

Well, Daddy'sGirl, it looks like you two have come to a good point in all this. Good job! Above all, communication and the truth are the most important ingredients in swinging successfully. The next step is to work on some jealousy issues for both of you, and like you said, possibly some retaliation issues on your part. There are many good threads on the board regarding jealousy. Do a search and you'll find them.

Good luck!

Mr. WS