Problem with an Aggressive Man Who contacted me Online

[jenniferblue]

Hi, this is my first post, I'm very new to this (just registered at Swing Lifestyle 4 days ago). I have absolutely no swinging experience. I put up a profile as a single female at Swing Lifestyle saying that I was just curious about the lifestyle and wanting to look around before making contact. I mean, I went into my fantasies and put up pictures and all that...but I made it clear I'm just trying to decide whether I want to do this or not. ANYWAY, a man in his late 40's sent me an email and we did some instant messaging the day before yesterday. He does get me hot and bothered but he's into a lot of things that I just wouldn't be into. He tried to im me again yesterday and I didn't answer because he's a little too intense with what he wants and he's making me feel uncomfortable. When I didn't answer his im, he kept sending me emails ( like 5 or 6 )saying that I need to talk to him, that he's sorry if he scared me off, that he sees i'm online and at the Swing Lifestyle site, why won't I talk to him. He tried to instant message me every couple of hours. Finally at about 10 last night, I answered and told him I didn't feel comfortable with the things he's into etc. He said he's sorry that we should just meet for a few minutes or talk on the phone. We ended up im'ing for a couple of hours last night but I told him I wasn't ready to talk on the phone yet and I didn't give him my phone number. Well, guess what just happened? He just now called me! He didn't even have my last name! I answered the phone and he said hi and I asked him who he was, he said his name and I asked him how he got my phone number. I had told him I was a real estate agent so he said he went through the real estate books until he found my picture and my cell phone number was there with it. It totally threw me that he did this, I feel very very uneasy about it. I only talked to him for a second and then told him I had to go. And I thought 'at least he doesn't have my home number', and just now as I was writing this he called my cell number again, I didn't answer and then my home phone rang and it was his same number. I am so freaked out right now. I have no idea how he found my home number. Is this something I should be concerned about or has this happened to anyone before? It seems so out of line to me. Any advice is much appreciated. -Jenniferblue

[starlinn]

Jennifer - this IS serious. I would suggest that you tell him firmly, the next time that he calls, that you are definatly not interested, and hang up. You need to protect yourself from this! I would also suggest, if he continues to call, to change your numbers immediatly. In the future, do not give out your proffesion, since it is high profile, and easily accessed. You cannot trust alot of people on the internet. Tell him again in your IM that you are not interested and block him. If he cannot get the hint, and he starts to harrass you or threaten you, you need to call the police. This is my opinion, please dont think that people will not follow through, especially those you have not met. Let us know how it goes.

[two4youinswva]

First of all, Welcome to the board. You'll find lots of great info on this site for folks new to the lifestyle.

To answer your question, This is WAY over the top! He has gone way to far and we would feel very uncomfortable with this. This sounds like stalking to us.

I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice on how to handle this. I personally am not sure what the right way to handle it.

Good luck

[EternallySingle]

He is stalking you. When you say, in no uncertain terms, that you don't want any contact with someone and they continue to try and contact you, going to extreme measures to find ways to contact you that you haven't given them, thats stalking, and thats illegal.

If he called you, you now have his phone number on your caller id. One last time tell him that you are not interested in meeting him and that you don't want any further contact. Anything less is just you having cold feet, not that you want nothing more to do with him. Then call the police, both in your home town AND HIS, and tell them that he has initiated contact with you and after you told him you didn't want to speak with him he continues to call and harass you.

I'm sorry this happened, but the only way to handle the situation is to be proactive and try to keep him from contacting you again.

[Dynamar]

Jennifer... You've already received some great advice there from starlinn and ES, so there's nothing here that I can add.

However, as a fellow single female, I just wanted to reassure you that there are lots of good people out here, and plenty who will want to meet you and get to know you on your terms. I'm sure you've already learned some valuable lessons about maneuvering your way through the channels of meeting people.

I think back just a few months when I was a "brand new newbie" and I did some pretty silly things myself. Fortunately for me, there weren't any unstable, stalker-y people right there waiting to take advantage of me.

When you're single and female, all of the common sense things that you've always read and heard about blind dating or internet dating certainly apply, and then some!

Also... Welcome to the board! I know you'll find lots of good information here, not to mention other advice whenever you need it.

[Vespertine]

Hi there! Welcome to the board.

The above posters gave you some great advice, but I wanted to add that you need to be more firm with this man. It sounds to me that you're giving excuses to him and not being assertive enough and expressing exactly what you expect/want.

You need to tell him NOT to contact you. You can't just say you're busy or you have to go or try to ignore him and make excuses when he initiates contact. You have to tell him that he crossed the line, that you're NOT interested. Period. You need to be blunt and right to the point.

If you pussy-foot around with him you might be sending him mixed messages. Don't try to spare his feelings. You owe this man nothing.

If he continues to try to contact you, call the authorities and send Swing Lifestyle an email and let them know of your experience with this man.

[jennandjamesinm]

First off - Hi and Welcome to the board!! Secondly, Dito to the above posts. This man is a stalker, and for your own safety you NEED to tell him that you are not interested, and then I would call the police. Don't want to scare you, but you need to do this for your own safety - I mean if he has your cell number, who's to say that he won't set up an appointment to see a house, etc.

All people are not like this - there are very normal, well-adjusted folks out there in "swinger" world. Look at the fine folks here. If this is something that you want to explore, cool. And chalk this up to a lesson learned.....

Jenn

[negacpl]

I have to agree with all the above posts. This is NOT the norm. Tread lightly with this person, and most of all be careful. Do not hesitate to call authorities if you feel threatened or harassed by this person in any way.

Please know this is NOT the norm. Chatting with people on the internet, whether it be Swing Lifestyle or another site, take the same precautions that you would anywhere. Never give out personal info, or tell tale suggestions of your profession, real name, or anything else that could lead people to your front door. Also if you ever do choose to meet someone, do it in a public place, where you have an out, and they can not follow you home.

Most people in this lifestyle are very friendly, honest, and willing to chat with you about anything. And they will move at your pace if they are interested. NO always means NO...in the lifestyle and those that are true lifestyles will respect that word.

Good Luck ....

[jenniferblue]

I appreciate everybody's help....he left me an IM message yesterday and told me that he called me because he wanted me to see how easy it is to find me and that I should be more careful with what I say, that there are some really screwed up people out there. I told him I agree with him but I think he had ulterior motives in calling me and that it seems to me that he's one of those people he's warning me about. I told him to never contact me again, that I don't want to talk to him at all anymore....that calling me when I hadn't given him my phone number was WAY out of line. And I logged off the IM. UGH, then I felt kind of bad afterwards, I'm the most non-confrontational person I know. I don't feel bad now though, it had to be done. I'm going to be WAY more careful now about saying what my profession is. He didn't even live in my town, he's almost 2 hours away and had told me where he works.....very white collar professional type so I didn't think anything about it at the time (and I didn't even tell him where I work just that I'm a real estate agent!) I will in the future though. Having you all tell me how out of line it was helped me to trust my instinct on that and do the right thing. Thanks for all your advice! -Jennifer

[jjmcd]

Jennifer
First, welcome to this world of oppetunities and enjoyment.
Please remember, however, that while jerks exist everywhere,
they are usually in a minority here. For starters, People can talk.
And the absolutely last thing ANY man wants is to have people
say "This person is a Jerk, here is what he did". It will get him
disqualified from a wide oppertunitie list (Believe me, I have seen
it happen quick)

The advise here is all very good, especially the legal advise.
Eliminate contact, and make a police report. You do NOT have to
go to the extent of saying where you placed your information.
Just that he followed up and Stalked to you.

Stalking laws vary state by state. Here in Virginia, penalties are quite
severe. (To the point that the feds defer to the state for this issue)

Take care, and enjoy
Jim

[Dynamar]

Jennifer... Glad to hear, that at least for the time being, things are cooled down with this stalker guy. I imagine that you scared him enough for him to just walk away with his tail between his legs, and I'm sure you had some nervous moments as well.

You are correct... trust your instincts and don't ever do anything or divulge any information that you are not comfortable with. I can assure you that there are kind and wonderful people out here that you will become friends with, but those who are engaged in this hobby for the right reasons would never, ever do anything to put you in a compromising position or have you do things you aren't comfortable with.

Thanks for taking the time to come back and report that all is better.

Wishing you all the best...

[ALilOEverything]

I really hope he leaves you alone Jennifer, that is sooooo scary. I got shivers just reading about it. Don't hesitate to call the police if he does still try to call you, it's gone way too far. I've been stalked before and I know how scary that can be. The advice I was given by the police is to not give him what he wants, which is any attention from you including your voice (and typed word in this case) and to just let them know when he makes contact. Make sure you're safe at home too.

Keep us updated, and I wish you the best of luck in your search. There are definitely a lot of wonderful people out there. Chalk this up to a learning experience and don't let it get you down.

I think this is a good thread, sometimes we aren't as cautious as we should be, myself included.

[robnsusan60]

Jennifer,

I'd say 'way out of line' is an understatement. If I were truly trying to be helpful and caution a newbie about putting out information, I'd simply tell them my concerns, not 'teach them a lesson.' I once had a woman tell me the town she lived in and the grocery chain she worked for as a cashier after we'd exchanged photos. How hard is that? It's unfortunate but that's the world we live in. I hesitate to give advice because this crosses a lot of lines I'm not familiar with except to say that I agree totally with the previous statements that you should take this very, very seriously.

I'm so sorry this was one of your first experiences with people in the lifestyle. This is certainly not typical of the wonderful people I've come to know in here.

I do feel that as long as there is any kind of communication between you, he'll be encouraged to continue with the hope he can convince you to change your mind.

Best of luck to you.

Rob

[dreamer]

This guy is diligent and relentless. Anyone that looks through real estate listings just hoping to find your pic is on the dangerous side, and if he has your home phone, he also has your address. If he's close geographically, he will probably knock on your door or worse, your back door. This guy is unusual to say the least, but look where you posted your pic. Do not piss this guy off. You could go from getting fucked to much worse. I'm of course not telling you to fuck him, but he knows where you live, and his ego might not take well to being rejected untactfully. If I scared you, I hope so. You should be very scared.

Lets face it, there are many freaks in this life style.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by jenniferblue

...I told him to never contact me again, that I don't want to talk to him at all anymore....that calling me when I hadn't given him my phone number was WAY out of line. And I logged off the IM. UGH, then I felt kind of bad afterwards, I'm the most non-confrontational person I know. I don't feel bad now though, it had to be done...

Very good decision. If a lady showed this kind of interest in me, dumb guy that I am, I'd probably be flattered...at first. Then the hair would raise so high on my neck that it could get homicidal. And about being non-confrontational, we all feel that we don't want to have to even think of having to deal with someone who acts like this. Yet it had to be done. You had to do it. The best offense is a good defense. Chop Chop!

...He didn't even live in my town, he's almost 2 hours away and had told me where he works...-Jennifer

Well, for your sake I hope he was honest with you about that. I hope you wrote down his place of "work". Maybe you could have someone check Him out just for peace of mind. I might think about getting a roomie. Good luck.

Male D