I thought I could swing.

[Vantabulous]

frenchie,

From your experiences with the other couple it may be clear to you that you don't feel that you derive any pleasure from seeing your husband with another woman. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way, though I may catch a few dissenting votes before this is over.

There are types of men that I could enjoyably envision Mrs. Van being with in bed, and there are other types who would be auditioning for an "Extreme Makeover" if they slithered around her for more than 30 seconds.

Neither of us feels a need to share one another with other partners. If we did, it would be with partners that we both agreed upon. No argument involved.

My point is that you have every right to be as selective about who your husband swings with as you do about your own partner, and vice versa. That may not change your point of view and it's certainly not my intention to do so. As in so many cases, perhaps it's better left as a fantasy. Only you know for sure.

Van

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by frenchie13

Thanks for all the great feedback. I think we will take a step back and do some more talking. My husband is dissapointed that he didn't get to have sex with his partner but now I am thinking I am very glad about that. I don't think I am someone who will get pleasure out of seeing my husband get pleasure from another women. I know, selfish right. It is such an intimate part of a relationship. I guess I don't share well. Any advice on how I can get over this?

I guess you could call it selfish if you expected the door to only swing one way forever. Perhaps it works for some couples to have a one-sided relationship like this, but it doesn't work for many. Not for long. It's unreasonable to expect to be able to go out and do whatever you please while your partner must deny himself the same liberty. I understand why you would feel vulnerable in this position; you're allowing your partner to make a decision that, until now, was supposedly yours. I mean, yes, he could've gone ahead and cheated on you, but that would be dishonourable. Instead, he abides by your rules. You say, "You're not allowed" and he complies. When you say, "Do whatever you like. I trust your judgment and that you won't hurt me"...well that's a pretty big step. Try imagining how or why your husband is okay with seeing you get pleasure from another man. Talk to him about how he can allow you to be with another man, why it doesn't bother him. I think you'll be surprised. Men and women aren't so different. We have commonalities. Jealousy is one of them. Once you understand his motives for wanting to swing, you'll likely feel more comfortable trusting him to not hurt you. At the very least, you'll know where his head and his heart are while he's with another woman, and that any hurt you feel is self-generated.

Getting over the imagined hurts is the biggest hurdle in swinging. It's directly related to whether or not you can separate the sex act from the love you feel for your husband. That does not mean that sex between you and your husband will no longer have meaning! Quite the contrary! It means that you begin seeing sex as a separate thing, as a way of expressing that love to him. It can also be used as a social activity with friends (AKA swinging) without it dissolving to cold distant fucking. It doesn't need to be that way. It's a matter of becoming more comfortable with this concept and setting up comfortable emotional 'personal space' with your partner. You will feel when others begin to encroach upon that personal space by doing or saying inappropriate things such as wanting to get together alone without the other spouse's knowledge or approval, or saying things like "I love you". These feel wrong. This is where trusting your partner comes in.

I hope I've helped some frenchie13. Dont worry, go into things with your partner's interests foremost in your mind and heart, giving him the benefit of the doubt, and constantly communicating how you trust him...and expect to be treated the same by him...and things should work out.

[LarrySmith]

Originally Posted by frenchie13

My husband and her were unable to complete the transaction because of female situations, but her husband and I did.

Forgive me for playing a bit of "Devil's advocate here"...
Imagine the roles reversed, and your husband and the other woman were able to play, and you weren't. Would you be stareing daggers at him for getting it on when you can't? Would you feel left out if he had a good time and didn't show any concern for you during the encounter? Would he be worried that if he did have a good time when you couldn't, that he'd get an earful in the car on the way home?
OK, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit for emphasis. Going by only what I read in this thread about this situation, my guess is that the other male was concerned about his wife not getting her part of the "mutual" pleasure. I know that I would have a hard time concentraiting on the task at hand if my partner was left out on the sidelines. It lacks the mutualness that is the core.
So If I were a betting man, I'd wager that he was preocupied with his wife, his life partner, the yin to his yang, the person whom his life goal is to please. So don't be too hard on him for not being up to an "A" game.

You're not likely to have a satisfactory encounter with this couple again, too much muddy water under the bridge.

So take a deep breath, remember that everyone plays or no one plays, and find another couple with a female half that you don't feel threatened by.