He didn't use a condom. What would you have done?

[Alura]

Originally Posted by HotCoupleGnS

Maybe she was just referring to her husband? but was making a general statement?

I'm think that's probably the case, Hot Couple.

Mr. Alura

[DuncanDoughnut]

Of course it does say A man not my man. hmmmmmmm

Anyway- the betrayal seems VERY serious exspecially if done deliberately. I would be seriously concerned about STD's. I would also be direct with him and ask why

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by SexhoundDog

And EBF, wouldn't it be nice if you could channel the heat from those flashes into something fun. I'll put my karma thoughts into it for you!

I would appreciate it SexhoundDog...and while you're at it, how about throwing your karma into thoughts of me having these flashes in the winter months. As cold natured as I am, I think I would actually enjoy them November through March. Moving on...

Catherine has supplied some additional information, however, my opinion remains unchanged even based upon the initial post. Mr. Alura, I'll never know how "off in another world" a man might get from performing oral on a female, but from what I've heard and read, most men really don't enjoy wearing a condom. Therefore, if they don't enjoy it, it just seems to me a man would be acutely aware that he was NOT wearing one. I don't know...I see it almost as if saying, "Well, I turned blue because I forgot to breath." Another thing...aren't we supposed to "lose ourselves" during the act? If we have to bring ourselves back to reality to check that the man is wearing the condom, especially after the rules have been established and we're into our 4th or 5th encounter, then much of the purpose has been defeated. For me, at least.

Another thing...you say you would try to repair the friendship in spite of the condom issue. Let me ask you this. Ya'll don't smoke. How would you feel if I came to your home, knowing full well you don't allow smoking in your home or around your children and we had had that discussion. Yet, you found out that I had been sneaking off into one of the other rooms and smoking up a storm. Would you trust me after that? Really? Wouldn't you feel that I had shown total disregard for your personal values in your own home? And personally, I don't think smoking even compares to catherine's issue. For me, it is unlikely I would ever trust this person again. Now obviously, we are only hearing her side of the story. There might be other facts he could add that would change my opinion, but based on what has been written, I stand firm.

As for catherine's other post in the other forum...now that is interesting and I hope she returns to tell us what that is all about. - EBF

[catherine1962]

Catherine here.... I was making the statement about loving semen inside me in regards to my husband and before marriage previous boyfriends. In swinger circles I don't want anyone elses semen inside me. I have been married 3 years and before that I of course had other boyfriends.........

[catherine1962]

Catherine here again......Reading all these replies I guess I better make some clarifications and give more information since I truly want everyones opinion with all the facts. First we have swung with this couples in the past with no incident and very good sex. This time however he started with a condom on and the last time I saw it was when he was about to give me oral sex. AFterwards I was feeling very good and he then entered me and I felt something was wrong. I assumed he slipped it off before entry. When I got him off me and was yelling at him he was looking very sheepish and did say he was sorry. At this point my husband had to quit what he was doing (and he was enjoying himself) to intervene. I do have a temper I admit and was perhaps a bit out of control but it was so frustrating to have such a good sexual experience spoiled by someone not obeying the rules.
In regards to loving semen inside me, yes I love it. But only with my husband or previous boyfriends. If I am having sex because I love you then we dont use a condom. If it is a swinging situation there is no way you are entering me without a condom. Ok...I admit that I have had 12 previous sexual experiences with men that at the time I thought I loved or trusted and they were not swing experiences. I didn't start swinging until after my marriage and part of my pact with my husband was that we both use condoms with swing partners.
I hope that clears things up a bit.....

[Spoomonkey]

Catherine

I would have handled this slightly different...

You said that you haven't seen them since...

If that had happened to Mrs Spoomonkey, we'd be saying NO ONE has seen them since. See the difference. Ever so slight, but a fine point, nonetheless...

I don't think you have anything to be angry at yourself for. He crossed a line that he knew was there... You have every right to be pissed.

Spoomonkey

[AustinandStacy]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

If that had happened to Mrs Spoomonkey, we'd be saying NO ONE has seen them since. See the difference. Ever so slight, but a fine point, nonetheless...

That was my initial reaction, too, after reading her addendum that a) he knew, and b) he removed it in the middle. I played rugby in college, so I thought maybe I was being a little harsh, but I'm glad to see justice is handled similarly in the animal kingdom.

The missus hasn't read this yet, but I'm sure she would have severed all ties too. Condoms only is a big rule of hers, for both STD and personal reasons, and few things make her more livid than people who disrespect rules just because they feel like it. There are other people in the equation to consider. If you want to run the show, make your own rules, and issue the orders, then go buy a hooker.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by AustinandStacy

I played rugby in college, so I thought maybe I was being a little harsh, but I'm glad to see justice is handled similarly in the animal kingdom.

There's not much difference between rugby players and the animal kingdom, Austin.

Spoomonkey

[DuncanDoughnut]

No matter how many times you clarify the story, the advise doesn't change. He broke the rules. It's over. End of story.

[Alura]

Posted by ElusiveBiFem:
Another thing...you say you would try to repair the friendship in spite of the condom issue. Let me ask you this. Ya'll don't smoke. How would you feel if I came to your home, knowing full well you don't allow smoking in your home or around your children and we had had that discussion. Yet, you found out that I had been sneaking off into one of the other rooms and smoking up a storm. Would you trust me after that? Really? Wouldn't you feel that I had shown total disregard for your personal values in your own home?

Actually, dear EBF, we've never established a "No Smoking" rule in our home. We've never had to say, "If you want to smoke, please go outside." Smokers who visit our home have always chosen to go outside. Of course, the only ash tray in the house is located either on the table on the veranda or on one of the patio tables. Smokers move it around, but seldom empty it. :rollseyes

If you smoked inside our house, we might well ask you to go outside but we most certainly would not end our valued friendship with you because of it.

As I see it, this relates in no way to Catherine's experience. I don't know if a "Heart-to-Heart" talk with the offending male could reestablish trust or not. There is no way trust could be reestablished without such a talk. We'd have that talk. That does not mean Catherine should.

As I said, I doubt very much that the condom was lost accidently, which means that the removal was, indeed, a betrayal. (I'd definitely want to know why he chose to do such a thing!) Does that mean an automatic termination of the friendship? To some, yes; to us, no. We don't even suggest our way is the best, only "our way."

Mr. Alura

[HotCoupleGnS]

Originally Posted by catherine1962

AFterwards I was feeling very good and he then entered me and I felt something was wrong. I assumed he slipped it off before entry. When I got him off me and was yelling at him he was looking very sheepish and did say he was sorry.

Thats the part that got me. He looked sheepish. Well that to me says that he must have done it on purpose. To me when someone looks sheepish, they have done something on purpose & thought/hoped they wouldn't get caught.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by Alura

[B]
Actually, dear EBF, we've never established a "No Smoking" rule in our home. We've never had to say, "If you want to smoke, please go outside." Smokers who visit our home have always chosen to go outside. Of course, the only ash tray in the house is located either on the table on the veranda or on one of the patio tables. Smokers move it around, but seldom empty it. :rollseyes

If you smoked inside our house, we might well ask you to go outside but we most certainly would not end our valued friendship with you because of it.

As I see it, this relates in no way to Catherine's experience. I don't know if a "Heart-to-Heart" talk with the offending male could reestablish trust or not. There is no way trust could be reestablished without such a talk. We'd have that talk. That does not mean Catherine should.

Mr. Alura

Well, you know what I was trying to convey, I think. The trust thing...confidence in others to adhere to the guidelines agreed upon. No, smoking is quite different, and certainly, a person not wearing a condom after that has been agreed to is of far more significance, but trust and confidence in others to meet their part of the bargain is of utmost importance to me. And even worse now, catherine has informed us that he deliberately removed the condom...

This time however he started with a condom on and the last time I saw it was when he was about to give me oral sex. AFterwards I was feeling very good and he then entered me and I felt something was wrong. I assumed he slipped it off before entry. When I got him off me and was yelling at him he was looking very sheepish and did say he was sorry.

I would never feel confident with this particular person again. The other thing...if this was someone with whom I had a "caring" relationship, it might be a different story. We all tend to cut slack to those we truly care for. However, I am interpreting this as little more than a sexual/swinging relationship and for those reasons, the worry and concern just simply would not be worth the effort for a person who did not respect me and my boundaries any more than is evidenced in catherine's post.

- EBF

[Alura]

[]Posted by ElusiveBiFem:

I am interpreting this as little more than a sexual/swinging relationship and for those reasons, the worry and concern just simply would not be worth the effort for a person who did not respect me and my boundaries any more than is evidenced in catherine's post.

And here, I think, is the difference. We interpreted the situation as a developing friendship with three successful play sessions behind them. If we had gotten that far in a playful relationship, the friendship would be important enough for us to try to save it, depending on how and why the condom went astray.

We're not polyamorists, but we don't fuck strangers either. If friendship is not a part of the equation, we wouldn't be playing in the first place. Maybe that's why we've had so few experiences over the past twenty-four years.

Mr. Alura (These posts have been read and approved by Mrs. Alura)

[wrnakedru]

Originally Posted by SexhoundDog

And EBF, wouldn't it be nice if you could channel the heat from those flashes into something fun. I'll put my karma thoughts into it for you!

Oh no you don't, SexhoundDog!

The fact those hot flashes are bothering EBF is a result of my karma thoughts working on her. Last summer and fall, I'd go over to her place to help her in her work - and end up sitting on the floor because that was the coolest place there. [heat rises, you know] And she would complain about how cold natured she is - she carries a parka, gloves and socks with her to the movies since she thinks it is so cold in the theaters.

I would sit there working away - roll of paper towels close by to keep from dripping sweat on the reams of papers I was organizing for her - cursing her under my breath. I thought then, this just ain't natural! Even taking my full strength hormones didn't help - it was just too durned hot in there.

So yes, I am getting a HUGE laugh out of her misery this summer. I'd go over there and help her with her work, but I can't remember where I left my parka!

WR

[wrnakedru]

And now to my two cents worth on the topic matter of this thread.

I would have been upset as well. I shouldn't have to keep my eyes open and do an inspection for appropriate gear with someone who knows our boundaries, agreed to them, and I've played with before. I should be able to trust his adherence to that set of rules.

Brings to mind the fella that stuck a vial of "Rush" under my nose while placing his hand over my mouth knowing I'd have no choice but take a deep breath in of the stuff. I was "at the moment of truth", head back, eyes closed and he timed it to be just that, thinking it would be some huge thrill for me.

He was WRONG! I not only wasn't thrilled, I was furious. [after I got past being fearful I might be dying!]

I think, though, that the violation of agreed SOP is the same in both instances. NO ONE should take it upon themselves to think they can change things without there having been agreement ahead of time. To do otherwise is not only presumptuous, it is downright disrespectful.

I don't know if it can be put behind you, and things return to former levels. I can only say that in the instance I told about, I couldn't and wouldn't play with him again. I didn't trust him anymore.