Husband Surprised me With Couples Encounter

My husband had brought up the idea of swinging for about eight years before I finally agreed to try it. He told me that his biggest fantasy was to see me with another guy - and I had always told him that I didn't want to be with another woman...and that I wouldn't want to see him with another woman. Well, I agreed to try swinging - but I wanted to go in slowly so that I could be comfortable with it. We discussed our fears and agreed that it would have to be with someone out of town and not a friend and that there would be no women (he still insisted that he did not really want that - but that if I wanted to in the future - he would certainly agree). We had a MFM with a friend and YES! I did like it and was comfortable with it (even though he had pushed the boundries and broke two of the rules that we discussed).

Well, the problem is - he asked if we could do a couple and I told him I would look into it and see if I thought it would be something I would be comfortable with, but please don't push it because I wasn't really sure about it and had expressed that from the start. He set up a meeting with a couple from out of town and suprized me with it. It was a horrible experience - the guy was bi and the girl was too and they were into witchcraft heavily and other stuff (not that I'm judging - just way not within my realm). Well, anyway neither of us was attracted to them - but I thought I would just do it and see if I could handle it. I didn't experience any jealousy from seeing him screw the other woman - but I think that is because I knew he didn't find her attractive. And I tried looking over at them every once in a while to see if I could be turned on by seeing him with another woman at all - NOTHING!

But now we have been in several MFM's (ALL at his suggestion) and I want to do the couple thing for him. I have a problem, though. I still am not bi and I don't know how I am going to take it if I think the other woman is more attractive than me or if she gives him a better orgasm than me. I would like to think that I could just be jealous for the minute, and be happy that he is getting some pleasure - but I am not sure that I can. I really, really love him and don't want something to screw up what we've got.

He has sincerely apologized for crossing the boundaries before and he has not done it again. He said he thought I was just waiting for him to take the first step. He has also told me that the couples thing is not that big of a deal for him and he would be happy to stick with just doing the MFM thing - or if I am not comfortable with that, then stopping altogether. I do like the MFM thing (c'mon - what woman wouldn't) but truthfully, I could live with it or without it. It is always him who suggests we do it again. I have conciously looked for men that are not attractive (not ugly - but just so-so looking) so as not to make him feel threatened or in competition. He says he doesn't care if I pick MR. America, if I get pleasure from it then that is what turns him on - but he mostly gets turned on by watching how much the other guy likes what he is getting and knowing that he will remember how awesome it was and want it again for a very long time - he says it is kinda like his way of bragging.

The thing is - I feel guilty that I don't feel the same way. It does not turn me on thinking of him with someone else. Not in the least little bit. I have told him that and he says he understands and that it really is not a big deal to him. But I WANT to give it to him. Please PLEASE someone tell me how to get past my feelings of jealousy! I know he will be coming home with me - I have no worries that he is looking for someone to replace me or that he would do it without me. He has had chances to screw around and hasn't. I guess I am afraid that if someone is better than me, that he will be thinking about how he wants it again (like he says the other guys do when they get me). I am afraid it will make me feel insecure in the bedroom and about myself in general. He is really supportive and insists that it is just a fantasy of his, but that his best fantasy and the one that gets him off the most is the MFM.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Someone tell me how to get over this or about some of your feelings and how you dealt with them. Are my worries just "newbie jitters" - fears of the unknown - or am I just not suited to this lifestyle? I really feel guilty and feel like I am being a selfish bitch, but I don't want to jump into something that could possibly cause a major problem if I can't handle it.

[ 12-18-2001: Message edited by: skeghed ]

By the way....we have talked about it and would not consider swinging alone or in separate rooms (neither of us).

Originally posted by skeghed:

I still am not bi and I don't know how I am going to take it if I think the other woman is more attractive than me or if she gives him a better orgasm than me.

So you're not bi! This shouldn't be an issue at all. Especially since you're not into couples or females. Did you leave something out here? Better orgasm? For a man? Come on!!! While there are differant levels of orgasms for men. Most men have their most intense orgasms with someone who knows them, completely. Some...don't even have an orgasm in a "swinging" type situation. Not all...just some.

It is always him who suggests we do it again

Why is this? Maybe you aren't as into it as he is. Maybe you don't like it at all. Either way, someone must make the effort to arrange these things. We've never bumped into anyone that followed us home & jumped into bed with us. One of us has to ask! If you're not comfortable with this. You should stop altogether. It sounds as if you're only doing this to please him. With a fear of losing him if you don't.

I am afraid it will make me feel insecure in the bedroom and about myself in general.

Well, from what you've posted so far. Your already there hun!!!!

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. No, I am not insecure in the bedroom right now. And I do enjoy the MFM thing very much. And so does my hubby. I guess my main thing is that when we started talking about the swinging thing, and when we actually decided to try it - I had told him that I wasn't sure I would be comfortable with another woman being present at all. But now he mentioned that he would like to try it...and I want to try it for his sake. Yes, it would be me doing something for him only. He has told me over and over that it really doesn't bother him if we don't do it with another couple - and that he doesn't feel cheated - but I feel like he is and want to help him out. But before I do this, I want to know if the feelings I have are normal or what?

I'm really wanting to know if some of my fears are normal jitters or if I should wait until I feel less fearful or if it is a sign that I will never be able to do it. I would like to know if anyone else has had these fears and went forward with the experience and what the outcome was and any suggestions as to what I can do to overcome my fears.

Insecurity

Lacking stability; troubled:

Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety:

Points to ponder:

THE main rule of swinging. NO MEANS NO

How we control our jealousy, is what sets us apart from non-swinging couples.

What we do, is done as a couple. And, to the satisfaction of each other. Not just one of us. If for any reason, one of us decides something is not appropriate, it doesn't happen. PERIOD! We never question the reason why. Although we may discuss it at a later date, this is to insure that we got it correct and to avoid it in the future.

About this couple...US

David is straight...He likes to see Maggie with other men, as well as women.

Maggie by her own admission, is NOT bi. Unless she finds a woman attractive and is turned on by her. Then she is ???? not bi

The point here is, we have reached a "comfort zone". With each other and ourselves. While we may not always get exactly what we want, we do try to accommodate each other. After all, there are 2 people involved in a couple.

Being a little hard on her arent you Dave????

Hey, if shes uncomfortable with the other woman being there and her husband is saying its okay that there isnt another woman there than I dont see why she would have to invite another woman.

My advise would be just to listen to your husband and take everything at face value and maybe one day you will feel comfortable with another woman.. .. Till then just have fun with the MFM thing.

Originally posted by skeghed:

He told me that his biggest fantasy was to see me with another guy - and I had always told him that I didn't want to be with another woman...and that I wouldn't want to see him with another woman. (even though he had pushed the boundries and broke two of the rules that we discussed).

 

 

He set up a meeting with a couple from out of town and suprized me with it. It was a horrible experience - Well, anyway neither of us was attracted to them - but I thought I would just do it and see if I could handle it. I didn't experience any jealousy from seeing him screw the other woman - but I think that is because I knew he didn't find her attractive. And I tried looking over at them every once in a while to see if I could be turned on by seeing him with another woman at all - NOTHING!

 

But now we have been in several MFM's (ALL at his suggestion) and I want to do the couple thing for him. I have a problem, though. I still am not bi and I don't know how I am going to take it if I think the other woman is more attractive than me or if she gives him a better orgasm than me. I would like to think that I could just be jealous for the minute, and be happy that he is getting some pleasure - but I am not sure that I can. I really, really love him and don't want something to screw up what we've got.

 

He has sincerely apologized for crossing the boundaries before and he has not done it again. He said he thought I was just waiting for him to take the first step. He has also told me that the couples thing is not that big of a deal for him and he would be happy to stick with just doing the MFM thing - or if I am not comfortable with that, then stopping altogether. I do like the MFM thing (c'mon - what woman wouldn't) but truthfully, I could live with it or without it. It is always him who suggests we do it again.

The thing is - I feel guilty

I really feel guilty and feel like I am being a selfish bitch

[ 12-18-2001: Message edited by: skeghed ]

/I]I am curious as to what boundries were pushed.null

You have no reason to feel guilty. You have expressed your feelings and done nothing to lead him on otherwise. You may feel guilty because he isn't getting exactly what he wants but that is just the way things go sometimes. If he wants a new car and can pay for it then you should let him do it. But if he wants you to jump off a bridge and you don't care to then you just refuse because it is your life.

If you are not bi and have no interest to participate in bi activity you should feel absolutely no obligation to do so.

If you feel jealousy and do not get turned on by watching him with another woman then you don't HAVE to do it.

It is your life and your relationship. You only do things together that you both agree on. So far you have agreed on MMF swinging. He totally was out of line by setting up a couple meeting without your knowledge. Tammy (my better half) would rake me over the coals if I did that.

Tam feels about the same way with me and other women. We have done many MMF's but few couple playing. The ones we did were not that great. Lately she has agreed to try it again though and when we get around to it we will give it a go.

It sounds like you are putting your relationship first and that is the way it should be.

One thing that Tammy seemed to find out about herself in making her decision concerning of including other females into our sex life is that she must totally trust and be friends with the other female. This is super important to her.

She would not however want me to have sex with someone that I am not attracted to and I feel the same about her.

As Julie says every swinger has there own way of swinging. You two need to decide what works for you both. Good Luck...John

It sounds to me like from the start you have let him push you into situations you weren't comforatable with. If the two of you want to do this it has to be on equal terms, things you are both comfortable with, with boundaries you agree on.

Yes, your fears and jitters are normal in this situation. You have every right to worry when your man is pushing you into something he knows you aren't completely comfortable with. And you shouldn't feel like you need to be comfortable with anymore than you want to do.

After reading your post I just had so many whistles going off in my head and the question "why?" sounded so often.

Why did he set up a meeting with you guys and another couple when you had told him you weren't ready?

Why did you play with them that night when there was no attraction? Who pushed that issue? the other couple or your hubby? Not that it really matters, if you weren't comfortable it shouldn't have happened.

Why do you feel the need to do this FOR HIM?

Why does matter if you are bi? If you aren't into women, there is no reason you should ever feel the need to be (unless it is something you decide to try on your own with no coersion).

Why do you feel the need to pursue being with other couples if it isn't something you want to do?

He told you in the beginning he would honor your wishes in regards to this yet it's obvious he hasn't and has pushed you to a point where you are in a corner and feel that you have no choices but to do what he wants. You need to decide what you want to do and what you feel comfortable with.

I can hear some saying "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" and that if you get to be with guys he should get to be with girls. However, one has to keep in mind this was his fantasy/ suggestion from the start. The two of you need to really talk about this and how you feel about the whole situation. Perhaps if you can't come to terms on where you are ready to go, maybe you should both back off from the whole idea of swinging at least for a while until you are both ready to approach it with limits that both of you can handle.

Originally posted by Brian:

Being a little hard on her arent you Dave????

Not really. I'm seeing something differant than you is all.

I'm seeing the words No No No....NO But, I'm also seeing "It's okay, as long as I'm the only one doing anything. Because I'm afraid that some woman will steal my husband."

What are you seeing?

There have been bounderies crossed already. And, there are more being asked to cross. That word NO. Keeps coming back into play. As does the word trust. There seems to be several "trust" issues here.

#1 He trust her, but she can't bring herself to trust him.

#2 He broke that trust with the first encounter.

#3 We view surprise meetings as a deal killer, when meeting couples. ANYONE who surprises their spouse in this manner especially a "newbie", needs to check their priorities. ALTHOUGH..people that have been in the lifestyle awhile do this occasionally. We'd NEVER recommend it to a new couple! Especially a couple who is not 100% into the lifestyle.

I do notthink that my husband is going to leave me for another woman and I thoughtthat I had made it quite clear that my feelings were not that it is ok as long as it is just me getting what I want. I came to this board looking for some help in getting past my fears so that I COULD hopefully do this for HIM. He is the one that asked me to sleep with another man as a fulfillment of his fantasy and to help me fulfill my fantasy. I have never asked him for this - even though I do enjoy it.

We do both realize that we probably jumped into this faster than we should have - especially with the couple - but we are enjoying the MFM (both of us) and plan to continue it. It is mainly me trying to pay him back for his generosity, I guess - but without going at it wrongly again so that we both can enjoy it without causing hurt feelings.

I really appreciate all of your responses! This board is extremely helpful and you all seem very insightful and caring. Thank you very much! :p

Originally posted by skeghed:

We do both realize that we probably jumped into this faster than we should have - especially with the couple

After eight years... I would have forgot about it altogether.

Sorry, but I still feel like there's a chapter being left out of this tale.

There's no magic bullet for curing jealousy, insecurity, or fear. It's something that we all have to deal with as individuals. Some of us handle it better than others. And it's always there, in some form or another.

I BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND BECAUSE I WAS TOO JEALOUS TO SHARE HIM AND HIS FANTASIES. IT JUST GOT TOO OVERWHEMING FOR ME I WISH HIM ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD. THANK GOODNESS WE WERE NOT MARRIED. IT WAS JUST NOT FOR ME SHARING AND HE WAS WAY MORE COMFORTABLE WITH THIS LIFESTYLE THAN ME. I THINK YOU GUYS HAVE TO COMMUNICATE AND GO SLOW MY MOTTO USED TO BE BABY STEPS NO ONE SHOULD BE PRESSURED INTO SOMETHING THEY DO NOT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN I WAS NOT FORCED TO DO ANYTHING AND I LIKED THAT CONCEPT IT COULD BE PLEASUREABLE TO BOTH PARTNERS AT THEIR OWN SPEED... HAVE BEEN THERE. I JUST LIKED US TOGETHER EITHER WITH SOMEONE WATCHING OR US AS A COUPLE WITH OTHER COUPLES IN THE ROOM ONLY... NOT INTO SHARING MY BODY OR MAN AT THIS STAGE OF THE GAME

Well I think we really dont know what the use of the words "surprised me" meant in her case. She obviously felt pressure to meet with them at her husbands request, who wouldnt, I mean hes letting her do another guy while hes there, that is confusing for begining women/wifes. Its only natural that shes gonna want to do something for him. But they got into this at his request that she do another guy, he made the deal that he wasnt interested in doing another woman. Im in the same boat, although she has made it very clear that she wont share me and thats fine with me, my excitment is purley watching her,,,,eventually.. .. .. ..

skeghed, you need to talk this out with your hubby. Tell him what you think you want and tell him what you think your fears are. You will ultimately decide to go for it or not. Either way you will have come to the decision together and that will enhance your relationship. If you do decide to try a couples situation, make sure that the rules of engagement are well understood and maybe even the consequences of breaking them. He did jump the gun once before. Best to be prepared so that there are no further skirmishes at the expense of your mutual trust. Oh, one further admonishment. Do this for both of you not just for your hubby.

If, right now, it's the MFM threesomes that you're comfortable with then tell your husband that you want to restrict the activities to just that for now.

You haven't done that many of them yet anyway.

But, if you want to be fair to him, let him know that when you're completely comfortable with these that you are willing to discuss other activities.

And, I do believe that, after more threesomes you'll become much more relaxed about swinging in general and might even want to explore more yourself.

But, if you have the opportunity, go for the hunk that really turns you on! The more you begin to enjoy, and look forward to, these activities..., the more you'll relax and enjoy the lifestyle.

Hey people,

Please note that this thread was started seven years ago, and until yesterday was all contained within a single day.

If someone has a current reason why they want to revive it, great. But it looks like people are responding to the original post.

Thanks.

Guys, have y'all noticed that this thread is from 2001?