How soon do you swing with another couple?

First I feel poll crazy!!!!

Was reading another thread kind of about when people party (fuck). How long do you have to know them? Minutes? Hours? Days? Weeks?

Hopefully this will be another good poll.

Also I believe you can vote without having to leave a comment.

If we were meeting people we'd contacted through a 'net advert (theirs or ours), then the first meeting would always be a non-play "sounding out" event. We'd want to go home at the end of the meeting and discuss what (if anything) happened next.

However, if we were at an on-premises club, then the time scale would be somewhat shorter.

From experience I have learned that getting to know people a little better is the wiser course for us.

People whom I didn't know that well... - bad to less than great experience.

People that I took the time to get to know... - well much better time. (or time to back out)

I learned the lesson the hard way though.

By the time we actually meet people, we already have talked to them enough to think there is some promise (or else we wouldn't be meeting them). And when we meet, we usually can read them well enough to know if it can go farther or not. Thus it is not unusual at all for us to swing the first night we meet a couple. Other than that we respect their feelings if they need more time.

It does take some time in the lifestyle to learn to read people but it does come.

Generally after a few hours we can tell if the chemistry is there or not. If it is then we party if it isn't there by then it never will be.

Originally posted by Brit_Pair

If we were meeting people we'd contacted through a 'net advert (theirs or ours), then the first meeting would always be a non-play "sounding out" event. We'd want to go home at the end of the meeting and discuss what (if anything) happened next.

 

However, if we were at an on-premises club, then the time scale would be somewhat shorter.

This is pretty much how Bunny and I do it (BTW, Brit_Pair, love your tagline... .

First we exchange some emails (and swap pictures; the latter will tell us if there is the chance for physical attraction or not). For us, this is, to put it bluntly, a bit of an intelligence test. If they can write and express themselves well, and appear to be on the same swinging wavelength as us, we will then take it to the next level.

We meet for dinner or drinks somewhere and just visit; no playing. We may do this once or twice; it depends on the couple and how we click with them.

If things don't click, we fade into the sunset with a short "thanks for your time" email. But if things DO click, and all are agreeable, we then arrange a meeting with the purpose of playing.

And as the Brits also indicated, if the occasion is an on-premise club or swing party, the time scale would indeed be shorter. Perhaps even much shorter...

-- Bear

Originally posted by bear_n_bunny

...First we exchange some emails (and swap pictures; the latter will tell us if there is the chance for physical attraction or not). For us, this is, to put it bluntly, a bit of an intelligence test. If they can write and express themselves well, and appear to be on the same swinging wavelength as us, we will then take it to the next level.

...

I like your thinking here Bear, and that’s one of the biggest disappointments we’ve had with ad sites. We’ve sent ‘chatty’ emails many times, but have never received one in return. We just don’t feel we can get to know someone well enough to meet them without more interaction, and one-line responses just aren’t sufficient.

On the other hand, we have gotten to know many people very well on the board, as it seems the kind of people who gravitate here can express themselves very well. That’s why we’ve slightly altered our original position and would answer ‘maybe’ if asked whether we would swing with someone from the board

-B

We would have chatted with them online or on the telephone enough to know there was a good chance that we would want to play with them. We always plan on our first meeting as a "Meets & Greets" only. However, if things go as we hope they would, we would open to aborting the "Meets & greets" plan and go on and play on the first meeting. The "Meets & Greets" plan always leaves you an out if you aren't real comfortable with playing with them first time out.

As far as we go, we're only interested in threesomes right now. Our only experience so far has been with someone we both know, and even that was pretty limited. This person is a casual friend or ours, not a close friend, but is very respectful concerning our relationship. The experience we had was fun for everyone involved, and I dont see any cause for concern or jealousy.

For us I think that the last three apply as the only question in your poll that I have a clear answer for is that we don't "have to develop a relationship FIRST (ie. a couple dates)". If we do develop a relationship outside of swinging though it wouldn't effect our desire to swing with the couple. So I guess the best answer for us is we don't have an M.O. for hooking up with people.

R

We don't have to have a relationship perse with a couple we may be sexually attracted to...however....

if we may run into them again...... like if they will drop off the face of the earth afterwards.... I do want to be able to continue to be social with them when the venue warrants.

It would be the epitomy of rude for them, or us, to not acknowledge each other's presence at a subsequent event.

In my early years in this activity..I didn't ask too many questions. I've learned the hard way there are some questions I need to ask before embarking on a sexual escapade. Certain things are fundamental to my moralities....anti-racism, extreme patriotism, married and cheating, under educated are some of the things that would bother me in any one I might meet.

It's one big social circle, whether you see it or not. Some are tolerated....hopefully most... and sometimes you meet likeminded people..and not just about sex. Doesn't mean you have to 'date' them.. just means it's a better way of expanding a community.

Years ago a good friend in the Lifestyle told us:

"Have sex first, get to know them later. You might not like them once you get to know them and if you wait might miss out on some great sex"

Now, I will not say that we hold 100% to this but that works many times for us. Sometimes it IS their personality that makes us decide we want to have sex with them also.

We have a relationship already, a great one. We are not really looking for a relationship with anyone else.

We have made some great friends in the lifestyle but we have also noticed that now that we are friends we don't have sex anymore.

Nothing wrong with some great stranger sex. Did you get their names honey?

We had to go with:

If you're attractive to us, we'll ask you to join!

...because we don't really have any "time" rules. We would like our playmates to be friends, although that "friendship" might be no more than, say, a couple whose kids play football with ours, and are able to carry on a good conversation and have fun with sex. We don't need a "relationship" but we wouldn't have sex with strangers, either.

Mr. Alura

...or so Mrs. Spoomonkey tells me - usually with a wry grin...

I could answer this question just as easily with, "if you are remotely interested in the 'spoo-man', then I'll drop trow..."

Hence, getting called a dog, every now and again...

I can live with that...

But in reality, we tend to go to the club early, watch and talk to people for a while - see what kind of people they are once they've had a drink or two - or a proposition or two - and then we can make a pretty good judegment as to whether they'd be fun to play with. This is not at all foolproof - as this fool has proven... And sometimes we have played despite our better judgement (which we hope to write off as 'newbie eagerness').

But - we really are attracted to more than a person's outer package. That takes about two seconds to determine... Up to 10 - with a sidebar - if you've had too much to drink...

The inner package - always more attractive and much more intriguing takes sometime to unravel. I don't need to know their personality type - just whether or not they are good natured, down to earth, easy to talk to, sincere, comfortable, etc. And you can get a good feel for this rather quickly...

We were at the club once and were introduced to this really attractive couple, who at first seemed shy and a little nervous... Before we knew it - and apparently a half a case of beer later - they were the most obnoxious people we'd ever met - and as it turned out, they were in the throes of a divorce and were actually at the club trying to piss each other off... Weird...

One trick I've learned - watch how fast they drink... They are either nervous or racing towards asshole at break neck speed... That or they haven't yet realized what alcohol does to performance...

We tend to be quite shy of friendship outside of the club... We've been burned and are still getting over it... But - I think we both assume that eventually we'll meet that couple that we both enjoy and really want to spend time with just as friends.

Just a quick throw in...

Must go mop before Mrs Spoomonkey gets home

Spoomonkey

yawanna, did you really mean to say that ANTI-racism is something that bothers you?

OOPS!!! totally caught me. Big day here today...multi tasking

We dont have a MO for swinging but i voted for the get to know them option.

The longer we've been into swinging the more friends we have made and we don't necessarily swing with each of them but at least the possibilities are there if things turns in that direction. I perfer to spend time with people that swing just for the unscientific but true fact that they are just more fun. Friend status doesn't mean off limits, I can *#@% a friend .

Annette

It is the relationships and emotions that make us human. We like to have sex with "people", not just bodies.

Just having sex with another for the sheer sake of something new doesn't do it for us. We'll just fuck each other if we want really hot sex, why even introduce the risk of another body?

We aren't afraid of building a strong relationship with other people. We are soulmates together for 25 years and nothing can touch that, ever.

In our opinion (repeat. . .our opinion), couples who don't want an emotional relationship with their swinger friends either fear the relationship, have hidden insecurities about themselves or their partner, or just don't want to spend the time it takes to nurture and develop a relationship. That is all okay if it works for them, we just aren't attracted to anyone who just wants to fuck us and not know who we really are as people.

We think it is very enjoyable to experience the emotions of having a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is very special to us. And the comfort, passion and sex seems to improve for us as the relationship grows.

But, to each his own.

We felt we needed to weigh in on this.

Us personally, when we first got started in swinging, we would talk to couples on-line for a while, we would go out for coffee or drinks with them, sit down and talk, then we would either go to their place or they would come to ours, we would sit and talk a little more, then we would swap partners and do our thing. But after we swapped with them, they wouldn't talk with us again, and we ended up feeling used. So that's why with us, when we look for couples to swing with, we look for friendship first, and then if all of us are comfortable with each other, then we bring sex into the picture. We look for people that we can do things with in and out of the bedroom, because of where we live, we would have to travel quite a ways to go to a swing club, and also we are more comfortable with just us and another couple, where as some are more comfortable with a club setting. So that is our MO. Mainly with us when we meet another couple we don't swap on the first 1 or 2 meetings, mainly to give us all a chance to get a feel for everyone to see if we all click. Some of our best friends we have we met with the intent of swinging, but we developed a friendship with them first, and they were new to swinging when we introduced it to them, and they have been swinging with another couple lately, but we are not jealous about it, because we feel they are adults and they are entitled to enjoy the lifestyle with who ever they want, just like we are.

T & Tt-shirt

We don't really have a method of operation. We do whatever seems to work in that situation with that particular couple. We chat online quite a bit (if they are willing) and we can agree to meet somewhere for dinner if everyone feels they click. We have met couples for dinner and that was that...sometimes things just don't happen,but it's not the end of the world. We tell people we don't play on a first meeting, but it's not out of the question either if everyone is feeling alright about it:fun: .

We also go to socials and parties and actually meet people face to face that we have never talked to before online. Neither one of us sees ourselves as very outgoing,but believe it or not, in a social situation like that we have seemed to do well. We have made many friends.

Now, as far as "highschoolish"...yea,we've been there. We didn't like it. We stepped out of the lifestyle for a few months,but soon realized we missed all the fun way too much. Coming back into it I said no "friends" in this...just sex. That didn't last long. Before we knew it we had made friends again...and it's not all that bad.

If you're attractive to us, we'll ask you to join!

We have had swinging relationships with friends and swinging relationships that became friends but most of our swinging is a short conversation followed by jumping into bed. Our expierence is that once playmates become friends the playing starts to dwindle off. One couple even "broke up" with us after we started doing non-swinging things (b-b-ques with the kids, swim parties, girls going shopping, etc.) because they were uncomfortable with the sexual tension during the vanilla times. If we see someone that we are attracted to we will ask if they are interested and usually are naked and sweaty soon there after.

One long weekend we were visiting our usual club and met a couple early. Due to the limited number of private rooms we played with them before midnight. They left soon there after and we hooked up with a single guy for a 3sum in the group room. Near closing time we met another couple that had a hotel nearby and ended up spending the night/morning with them. We clicked the next day and showed them the town before spending the night in their room again. It was a great weekend but neither of us can remember anyone's name now.

mmmmm, another interesting question here. Does living in a more rural area cause you to want more friendship as compared to an urban area where there may be 100's of couples available and less need of friendship?

Used to think like that..just jump in the sack and who cares if i ever see you again. But that was long long long ago...newbies and the very seasoned tend to be like that. Now we find ourselves very very very very selective almost to the point of being nonswingers (lol), over the years we have found that sex with people you dont know is pretty unfulfilling.

Yes we have been burned many times by couples we thought were freinds but had major issues that they kept from us.and it sucks to lose people you start to care about but we keep looking.because thats who we are.

we usually get to know a couple or single first,how much time that takes depends on the people involved,sometimes its a few emails and phone calls and we screw on the first meet,other times we meet a few times and hang out and party then play when the time is right,but i can say that at clubs or parties we almost never will hook up with a cple that we just met without shooting the shit for a while,if they are that desperate to jump into bed so quickly they are not for us.

sorry but like others have said if i don't like you as a person i dont wanna have sex with you....maybe that makes me an unusual guy but thats who i am.

I believe everyone takes what they can out of this lifestyle to meet their needs as a couple.

We like to be friends and lovers with another couple. We feel the better you get to know someone the further you can push boundaries and that makes the sex all that much better. Its just like your marriage/relationship if you let it get boring then it will. There are so many things the combination of 4 can do.

We also want to be able to have our friends interact with us outside the lifestyle. If we want to go away without the kids why not bring another couple along to have fun in and out of the bedroom. Makes for better dinners, trips to shows, movies, or vacations.

Boy, that's a hard one, because it can be so situation specific. We have met couples two or three times before playing with them, and then at a party we've played with people we just met.

When we meet through the Internet we like to go to dinner and just let things happen. Usually it takes a couple of dates. But at a party where everyone is having a good time and there are naked or near naked activities anyway, it seems the ice is broken and it is easier to just say "hey, wanna' go upstairs?"

Mr. WS

mmmmm, another interesting question here. Does living in a more rural area cause you to want more friendship as compared to an urban area where there may be 100's of couples available and less need of friendship?

Nope, we live in the Chicago area, and we want to be friends with any couples we swing with. If its the kind of person we won't hang out with why would we fuck them? We don't have to be best buddies before we do anything, but we have to be compatible beyond our sex parts.

For us, part of the fun is pleasing and getting pleased, so learning what other people like is exciting. If you have a 2 fuck maximum (or something like that) you'll never know what makes them scream or vis versa. We have couples that we have played with numerous times and have a genuine relationship with, but that doesn't mean we are exclusive with that couple or that we are looking for marriage partner replacements. That's a big leap from wanting to establish some sort of connection with the couple to wanting a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Now, a club is a different situation than meeting people through other means. I understand that in that environment, the main objective is to hook up and do so before the club closes. I think that's probably the reason we've not been to one. I don't think the pressure of that is for us. And, save for one or two experiences, 1st time sex isn't as fun as 3rd or 4th time sex. So...I guess our MO is a few dates first.

1st time sex isn't as fun as 3rd or 4th time sex. So...I guess our MO is a few dates first.

Would have to say we totally agree with you Pepper & Drew. But then with us we have never been to a swing club either, but I like we said earlier, we are more comfortable meeting another couple 1 on 1 or 2 on 2 however you want to put it, just us and them.

We would say everyone has different preferances, and it's all what everyone is comfortable with. So as far as M.O. it depends on the person and what they are comfortable with.

I'm not going to try to convince somebody to go to the clubs if they don't think it is right for them. But I think some of you have a missconception about how the clubs work. For us they are a better place to meet people than the other methods available. It is possible to meet someone at the clubs and hook up for play on the spot, and some people go to the clubs for just that, but thats not how it usually works for us. We played with a couple this weekend for the first time that we met at the club almost a year ago. We have gotten to know them quite well in the last year but it didn't all come together for us to play until last weekend. Of the people we have actually hooked up with we have only done it on the night we first met twice, and we usually go to the club about once a week. So my point is if you want to get to know like minded people a little first, a club seems to be as good a place as any to meet to me.

I agree with JT about some couples being childish-"how do we break up with them?", stuff like that. Actually I think its funny that some couples are like that. However JT sounds like they have security issues of their own. What motivated you to come up with all the hard and fast rules? We never thought much about those issues. We just do whatever we feel like, we are great friends with a couple, other couples we don't care for, and so on. We don't have rules. If we can relate as friends great, if not-well-that's the way it goes. In reality-all the couples we've met have been at the club we go to. Just because we aren't going to volunteer that we are swingers to our vanilla friends and people we meet outside of the club.

This is interesting on the side of a newbie still trying to figure this stuff out.

on the one hand, there are people who become unatractive to me for various reasons, they might have the best face, hair, makeup. breasts, and ass on the planet, but if there is something about her that rubbs me wrong, forget it, I will never look at her again.

On the other hand we don't want this to be the "other relationship" and be exclusive. I could see the possiblity of a certain couple just being perfect for us and us haveing several playtimes, but beyond that I can't see much else.

At the same time though I doubt me or my wife could ever develop the taste "fucking anyone on a whim either"

then again we are still figureing this stuff out.

I live in an area where there are no onsite clubs, and only one off premises club (to which I have never been). We have a small child, so I am not about to bring strangers home, it also means we do not have an unlimited budget, I cannot afford a hotel room every weekend and babysitting fees add up too.

My husband is not interested in using the internet. So for us having a couple that we are good friends with is the best comprimise. We can get together on weekends and no one asks any questions as to what we are doing. We can go to their house and have the kids sleep outside in a tent(to them it is a fun treat), or they can come and visit us.

We are comfortable with them, and we can do other things together. Almost every Saturday we have a girls afternoon together to do what we want, shop for lingere, get some 'supplies', get our hair done, what have you.

Our swinging with them grew out of a close friendship. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. At the same time I have no problem with the 'sex with strangers' theory either, it just isn't as avialable to us as it might be to others in the larger cities. It is an individual thing, what works for one may not work for others.

We are always looking for friendships as well as sex. Just as J&T stated they like to seperate sex and love you should be able to seperate sex and friendship. We are very careful not to let the other couple become jelious or think the relationship is exclusive. Just because you have fun with a couple several times or for several years does not make the relationship exclusive. One couple we have been playing with for about 4 years. They are great friends and we love to swap stories about other couples we have meet.

Just seems to me if you are secure in your relationship you dont have to swing and run to aviod complications with other couples or with your own relationship.

We could not answer thye survey accurately because OUR MO does not appear, but rather resides between the first and second response. While we do not insist on several dates, we DO insist on meeting the others and then allowing them and us to decide if we will go further. We have played after meeting immediately after the meeting, but that has been on very limited occasions and under special circumstances. Our best results have been by following our initial process of meeting, deciding, playing/not playing. This cannot be compressed into a one step process for us, but we understand and accept that while it does not work for us, is the preference of many others.

Okay, I have a question. We have run across this several times since we have been swinging. My husband and I are new to swinging and have found that some couple when swinging, swap partners almost immediately, some we have had hours of conversation with and then we swapped and then my husband and I were under some impression that the other couple would play some with each other and then we would just gradually swap... So I guess my question is..what is the Norm? When swapping partners, do you swap immediately, convers then swap?

We went out with this couple this weekend, and we talked, went out to eat, and when it came down to the swapping.... it was immediate, they didnt play with each other and we didnt play with each other. I know conversing and then swapping is what happens....but Im saying, do you converse, then when swapping..everybody strip and go to the prospective partner or do you play with your S.O. and then swap partners...

We are kind of confused about what most couples do or expect.

It's always depends on the situation we find ourselves. We more like group things than just "ok, let's just go jump each other's wives."

We found out a long time ago that we more enjoyed watching the other get pleasure from the situation as well as multiple people and those various combinations.

We have known a few couples that prefer it to be a straight up switch, and even one couple who the guy was so penis shy that it had to be seperate houses.

When meeting with a new couple and we decide to play, we've got a few things that we try, to include some board games, strip poker, or even a computer game that we have called 4PLAY, which ends up getting the involvement on a more group oriented level.

You know I don't think there is a norm.. but that is just my own limited experience!

I think it comes down to what you agree on first, what sort of mood you are in, the situation and people you are with.

We like to talk first, sometimes play strip poker..to help ease the tension and get everyone comfortable. But there have been times (and we knew the couple well) that we just jumped right in. I say what ever works for you, go with it ...as long as you all are in agreement and have fun.

That's an interesting question...and one I've never thought about until now. Generally, our activity starts with the ladies, then progresses into whatever. I tend to agree with Dave & Kat in that we prefer to have different combinations like MMF, MFMF, FFM during a play session, not just MF & MF. It doesn't really matter what others expect, it's all in what's comfortable for you. If a straight-up switch isn't really your bag, you need to communicate that with your playmates and they should respect that.

This is where we differ, as Red is straight. No "starting with the ladies" for us.

How we do get things going differs according to circumstances and the other couple. Sometimes quite quickly to swapping (or piles of bodies), even on first meet, and sometimes there will be a lot of talking first, even to the extent of more than one social meet up before taking things further.

To a large degree for us it is down to the comfort levels of the other couple. We're happy to work in a number of different ways now, same or separate rooms etc. We've got to the point of being totally comfortable however we go. Now lately we seem to be hooking up with newcomers to the sport, so we feel it's important for them to be totally comfortable and at ease. We want their first experiences to be as good as possible. We've even been involved in soft swing recently for that reason. That was fun as well!

Accordingly the amount of play between Red and I also varies, but no problem there. Inevitably once we get home again we go at it like rabbits anyway

CB

If we are with another bifem couple we usually like for the ladies to start playing while the guys watch. Angel likes to have some girl/girl time without the guys so she can completely enjoy the expierence. If the other lady is not bi we like to swap first then play together. Of course when we do swap we perfer the "group grope" because we perfer to remain in physical contact with each other. We also like to try differnt combinations this lets everyone enjoy some of the multiple partner fantasy.

Msr GT is straight, so we don't do ladies first, but I had to pick all three because we generally go with the flow and will do whatever feels right at the time. It doesn't make any difference to us, and I've yet to see any trend that would be considered the norm. Most often we introduce ourselves, talk for a bit, find a room, and swap.

Thanks everyone,

Just what I wanted to know basicly.... I think we have been a little floored because the other couples have always stripped first....and just been waiting in the bed for the other person...... we have had our bad experiences but the one saturday night was a couple first for us.... it was the first time we have acutally played in the same area together with other people....

Now we have ran across a couple that would not even kiss in front of us...and when asked why, we were told that intimacy between them was better left behind their bedroom door and just between them...but they had no trouble kissing and touching us in from of each other.... this couple didnt touch each other or anything in our presences..... and always had to have separate bedrooms to play in.... We eventually realized they were not happily married and were in the lifestyle for all the wrong reason......

We normally swap right away. For us, that's the whole point of getting together with another couple. After all, we have plenty of opportunities to have sex with each other on our own time!

Usually it starts with the ladies, then us guys join in with the ladies and anything goes from there. It ALWAYS ends with my wife and I having sex before the clothes go back on. We're just funny that way.

Mr. WS

We have found that we feel more comfortable having conversation to feel more ready. We have done the swap right away, and didn't get a good feeling from it.

Didn't read through others replies, but what come to mind for me is:

You whatever you are comfortable with... There is no norm outside of your relationship that counts...

We converse then swop...

Dave Kat, could you tell us about the PC game you mentioned, 4play? Sounds like a good way to "break the ice," or even do a little willing seduction.

Male D and I have tried it both ways. Our first time was at a dance with a couple that we had talked to for about a hour or so. We had planned to do a same room sex thing, but as we were on our way to the room I said "lets go for it". Male D's mouth opened and stayed that way all night. We had a great time and have seen this couple a few times now. facelick

We have also met couples for dinner and drinks without play and have found that to be more comfortable for me. Now that we have tried both I think both are good and it depends on the other couple as well. What ever works best for you now, go with it. As I have done you may change you mind later.

Fem D

In response to the title: Very well thank you.

Re: Poll

We've done it all three ways.

We just let it happen naturally.

We would have chatted with them online or on the telephone enough to know there was a good chance that we would want to play with them. We always plan on our first meeting as a "Meets & Greets" only. However, if things go as we hope they would, we would open to aborting the "Meets & greets" plan and go on and play on the first meeting. The "Meets & Greets" plan always leaves you an out if you aren't real comfortable with playing with them first time out.

Ditto.to that...we usually can tell if thing's are going to the next level