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Jealousy from previous relationships

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Hi all,

 

My gf and I have been together for 2 years. We split up for a brief period near the beginning and during that time she slept with someone else. She only told me about this relatively recently. It initially hit me very hard in terms of jealousy especially when I consider myself to be quite open in that regard. I know she did nothing wrong and we're both in love with each other.

 

I've found that reading about successful swingers really helps though. Sometimes I can think of her as just enjoying herself with someone else, and think what the hell is wrong with that! So I was wondering if you could tell me some of the strategies you use to reduce jealous feelings?

 

I'd love to get to the stage where I could happily share her and even if I don't realise the act, getting there mentally is a project of mine.

 

Thanks

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Are you jealous? Try this test on for size bro: Imagine her doing everything with everyone wearing a big smile, moaning loudly and having the time of her life. If it pisses you off, don't swing. Who's with me?

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Are you jealous? Try this test on for size bro: Imagine her doing everything with everyone wearing a big smile, moaning loudly and having the time of her life. If it pisses you off, don't swing. Who's with me?

 

I'm asking for advice as to how people who swing can do this. It's such an irritating emotion to feel, especially when it involves happiness between two people. And even swingers get pangs of jealously so they must have the mental architecture to deal with it.

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Welcome to the forum! To help you...what is it that you fear or think about when you get jealous? Are you afraid of your girlfriend leaving you for someone else? Are you afraid that you aren't "enough" for her? Do you feel possessive or controlling? Insecure about the relationship or yourself? Perhaps you are feeling/thinking about something completely different. Jealousy is a blanket word for a lot of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I don't want to put thoughts or ideas in your mind about what your jealousy is for you but I think those are the more common reasons. I think sharing more about your thoughts and feelings could help the forum members understand where you are coming from so the can more accurately give their opinions on the matter.

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Ya gotta let it go if you want to swing, plain and simple bro. That's all there is to it my man. How to do it? It's a personal thing that you gotta soul search for, ya know? Mental architecture... for me, it's like this. She gets hers, I get mine, we go home happy. Make sense now? PS, threesomes are a bad idea for newbs because it's one sided. Ya read me now? So think about what I said before. If she's having an amazing time, and you can't have the same, well... you're not ready! Have a great day!

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Ya gotta let it go if you want to swing, plain and simple bro. That's all there is to it my man. How to do it? It's a personal thing that you gotta soul search for, ya know? Mental architecture... for me, it's like this. She gets hers, I get mine, we go home happy. Make sense now? PS, threesomes are a bad idea for newbs because it's one sided. Ya read me now? So think about what I said before. If she's having an amazing time, and you can't have the same, well... you're not ready! Have a great day!

 

The OP has expressed no desire to swing. Instead, he's hoping swingers - who he believes must overcome jealousy in order to swing - have useful advice for him so that he may overcome his own feelings of jealousy.

 

OP, as sunbuckus has said, jealousy isn't any one thing and there is no single cure for it. For some, it's understanding (she was sad, it made sense at the time), in others it might be overcoming the feelings of inadequacy most of us carry, and for still others, we're so delighted by our partners' delight that jealousy doesn't happen.

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I don't feel jealous because I'm 99% sure she won't stop loving me and won't love anyone else - as a result of her fucking other men. That other 1% is always there but its easy to block it out because of the fun advantage is vastly so great. Fun meaning: its a turn on knowing she's fucking another man and she's enjoying herself like being able to fuck someone else as if she was single. She gets the best of both worlds of being single and being in a committed loving relationship.

 

The key for me and the missus, is that we are extremely open with each other, we can talk about anything and everything to each other like best of best friends, we have no privacy or secrets from each other just because there is no need for any. A lot of couples don't have that even the most loving and secure of relationships, which a lot of people find boring.

 

We are so open with each other we know how secure we are in terms of either of us won't run off with the next best person in bed or a total romancer. Because of that we have no need to feel jealous/insecure, even times when she has told me one of my friends dick is a 'perfect' fit for her as she finds it easier to orgasm with him considering he has a thick 7-8" dick and I have an average 6" - I don't mind at all it doesn't make me feel sad about myself because I know how much she loves just me and we love making love to each other plus all the romance stuff. Also, I know she won't run off with him, he is quite fat with some loose skin so even though she says to him she don't care about it she actually finds it a bit of a turn off, and his personality is a bit too ...well, overall not her type, he just happens to be amazing in bed.

 

Tom

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Welcome to the forum! I'm sure you've taken a look at the jealousy section of the forum but in case you haven't, there might be something there that you can glean and learn from. To help you...what is it that you fear or think about when you get jealous? Are you afraid of your girlfriend leaving you for someone else? Are you afraid that you aren't "enough" for her? Do you feel possessive or controlling? Insecure about the relationship or yourself? Perhaps you are feeling/thinking about something completely different. Jealousy is a blanket word for a lot of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I don't want to put thoughts or ideas in your mind about what your jealousy is for you but I think those are the more common reasons. I think sharing more about your thoughts and feelings could help the forum members understand where you are coming from so the can more accurately give their opinions on the matter.

 

Thanks for all of your responses. It really helps to talk to other people about this and knowing you can get through it. I guess the problem stems from us being each other's first. So I felt like I lost something when she went with someone else. I suppose it's more emotional immaturity/insecurity on my part. As I mentioned above I'd love to get to the stage that you all seem to be at where you dissociate sex and love. It's quite selfless. I wonder did any of you suffer strongly from jealousy and then have it decline? Feel free to offer me more advice on this!

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I guess the problem stems from us being each other's first. So I felt like I lost something when she went with someone else.

 

Remember, no matter how many partners she may have, you will always be the first. No one can really claim that. You don't have to answer but I was wondering...have you been with anything else other than her since she was your first?

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Remember, no matter how many partners she may have, you will always be the first. No one can really claim that. You don't have to answer but I was wondering...have you been with anything else other than her since she was your first?

 

Thanks for your response. And no I haven't, so I think there's an element of envy that she got to be with someone else and I didn't. But I feel a hell of a lot better than I did. It's great to know people can deal with this and turn it into something so positive like you guys.

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swinging can bring out a variety of emotions.

When my wife and I first started dating, knowing I was not her first made my skin crawl. And that was before she met me.

 

I hid it well but I was insanely jealous that she had others before me.

 

Somehow that evolved to now.....my favorite experiences are when she "cheats" on me. When she is out of town or back in her home area and ends up sleeping with someone or doing something. I prefer she doesn't "ask permission" and tells me after.

 

When that happens, I get the same jealous, heart pounding, feelings that I used to. But those feelings have morphed into a huge sexual high at the same time.

 

But that works because we have years together and I am 100% secure in her devotion and the security of our relationship.

 

Not saying that will happen like that for you. But there is a difference between love and sex.

 

I have had sex with many people. Never once have I had a thought of it being anything other than a physical connection.

 

My wife could have sex with whoever she wanted and I would love it.

 

However. If she became close g-rated friends with a guy......that would nerve me right up.

 

I'd much rather her give a random bj to a hot guy, then to send a text message.....

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A thought...

 

Jealousy (or envy) suggests that someone else "has" (owns, possesses, controls,...) something that you do not.

 

At the risk of sounding existential, there is very little that we own. Our homes, our cars, our money, and the people we care about can all vanish in a split second. We possess at most two 'things'. Our experiences, and our behaviors. Together, those last two items constitute our personal integrity.

 

Being jealous of someone else's privileges, behaviors, possessions makes little sense. Aspiring to those privileges, behaviors and possessions should always be done cautiously.

 

If your s/o, spouse, etc is having some physical pleasure that does not hurt you, and if that pleasure does not threaten your relationship, you should smile--it makes her happy. If you perceive pain, you need to ask yourself why and talk to her about it. If it threatens your relationship, that's also an important discussion.

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Thanks for your response. And no I haven't, so I think there's an element of envy that she got to be with someone else and I didn't. But I feel a hell of a lot better than I did. It's great to know people can deal with this and turn it into something so positive like you guys.

 

A lot of couples new to the LS will start with a 1 to 1 swap (a partner for everyone) to make everything "fair"/"tit for tat"--basically everyone gets something. This allows for both partners to experience a swap (whether soft or full). In their minds, they can't really be logically jealous because you also received your cake and ate it, too. It would be petty to say you're jealous of your partner when you also had your playtime. I'm not saying this is how all couples do it or how it works but a possible thought process when some new couples dive in. If a partner (or both) get jealous, then they can sit down and talk through it. It's easier to do this when there's a level playing field. They both swapped. They may have both had similar reactions or thoughts and can more easily empathize with each other.

 

Some couples jump into the LS doing threesomes first and this makes for an uneven playing field when it comes to discussions. The one who did not do any swapping has a harder time seeing/feeling how much fun it was while the partner that did swap (or have playtime) might have a hard time seeing why there is jealousy or insecurity. Some of the more experienced or longer-standing forum members might be able to attest that the majority of these couples do not stay in the LS. We've personally met a couple that began with threesomes and the majority of their experiences were threesomes (MFM). As far as we know, they are no longer a couple and the female half is now a single female in the LS.

 

Sometimes feelings are illogical but that doesn't detract from their validity. You are feeling the way you are feeling. Fundamental has great advice in that you should ask yourself why you feel these feelings (I know you're doing this because you're here asking questions on how to deal with it) and to also talk to your partner about how you feel. The cornerstone of swinging is to be honest and communicate about everything with your partner (and her with you). In fact, I think to have a successful relationship you need those as well.

 

Somewhere down the line, successful swingers learn that no matter how much fun their partner is having with other playmates, their partner/spouse is still coming home with them at the end of the night even when they know all of your dirty habits. They learn compersion--feeling happy when their partner experiences happiness. The feelings of possession drop away. When you start to consider about how she is choosing to be with you rather than you "owning" her as your girlfriend, it can be liberating.

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This idea of compersion is something I'm striving towards. It's the antithesis of jealousy and I very much want to arrive at that stage. We do love each other and I think it's possible to do so. The issue with searching for help with jealousy online is that you get the people who have jealousy problems. The people who don't suffer from it don't write about it! I think that's why this community is so helpful. Reading about the successes makes me hopeful.

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This idea of compersion is something I'm striving towards. It's the antithesis of jealousy and I very much want to arrive at that stage. We do love each other and I think it's possible to do so.

 

When I see Mr. Doe with another partner, I'm almost overwhelmed by the sweetness of the experience. That happens even before I realize I'm turned on by it. I spend more time noticing how I feel than I do in analysis (which is, at best, a guess), but it has seemed to me that to have such positive feelings about it is rooted in both loving that he's having a good time and in feeling that I am somehow involved in the process, that what makes him feel good simultaneously has the same impact on me.

 

Among successful swingers, I think there is, in contrast to the jealousy/ownership conflation Fundamental_Law points out so eloquently, something that runs from neutrality to an embrace of our partners' pleasures. Further, I think that it's often arrived at through the kind of in depth conversations that make meandyou into us, the reliable security of knowing one is part of a unit.

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And for those of you who have seen your jealousy evolve into compersion, how long did it take? Or was there something you did to achieve it?

 

Thanks again

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I believe it comes a lot not just from the maturity of the person, but also from the maturity of the relationship. It sounds like you guys haven't really been together for very long AND you are also rather young. There are a lot of things to come to terms with before you can really consider swinging as an option.

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And for those of you who have seen your jealousy evolve into compersion, how long did it take? Or was there something you did to achieve it?

 

Thanks again

 

Many male swingers (where this whole journey usually starts) are just wired that way. It's fetish just like other fetishes and it just works. That is not to mean that jealousy can't occur but it is less likely to begin with because of this "wiring". Other than that, and I have had jealous moments, jealousy is frequently rooted in something silly. If you take the time to talk it out or think it out it usually solves itself because there is no real foundation for it.

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Watching your wife or girlfriend enjoying having sex with someone else is going to make you feel envious. It is only natural. Enjoy the scene!

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