Both surprised at each other considering swinging

Hi,

Just new to the forum but have already really enjoyed reading some of the advice threads.

My wife and I, of 20 years, started sharing our fantasies in the bedroom about 1.5 years ago. This developed to discussing it while perhaps watching some sexy movie. It became apparent that we both really liked the swinger fantasy. We discussed months ago about what it would be like to turn it into reality but both dismissed it. We felt, that it might not be for us. That was a few months ago. Recently I started thinking about it again and decided it was time to see if we could chat about it in the cold light of day. I found to my surprise, that while we were both nervous, we could in fact discuss it no problem. We then agreed to at least look into and research what it could mean. I joined a website and soon started chatting with a local couple who had done it once 3 years ago and were keen to find a couple they could resume it with. To cut a long story short, at short notice I agreed to meet the guy for a coffee. He was a real nice guy and we had a lot in common. I made it clear we were just still thinking about this and may decide not to go ahead with anything other than just a friendship. We agreed perhaps the wife's should meet. To my surprise my wife did so and really enjoyed meeting the other lady for a coffee.

We are kind of shocked by how easy we both seem with it so far. We are committed to nothing other than maybe just yet. We are surprised however at each other. We have a strong relationship and a good sex life. We have only recently started really deep communication on our wildest thoughts but even they seem to come easy for us both.

We love each other deeply, have two beautiful kids and would never want to risk our marriage for fun. I can see however that for the right type of marriage this could be great. The increase in communication on this topic alone has taken our sex to a whole new level. We can't keep our hands off each other. Interestingly our fantasies are identical. I want to see another man pleasure my wife and she wants to see me with a woman. Neither of us would complain about the experience for ourselves either!

Do we sound like the people who are suited to this? Any alarms anywhere anyone can see?

Cheers

Sounds to me like you are doing the right things and taking the right paths. Just know that, unless you are exceptionally lucky, there will be disappointments and frustrations along the way. But the end goal is well worthwhile. As long as you two continue to communicate your feelings to each other, you will not be hurt. Beginning in the swing lifestyle is like navigating a minefield. But once you get your "map" and your magnetic detectors, you be able to run, not just walk through it.

Several years ago, we started down the same path in much the same way you are describing. For us, it's been great. Just keep the communication going between you as a couple and proceed at the speed of the slowest one, (Neither of you should ever push the other) and enjoy the experience.

Do we sound like the people who are suited to this?

You sound exactly like people who are suited for this. My advice would be to just take it as far as feels right. That may be all the way to the end, or just one more step along the road. The problem comes when people aren't able to determine TOGETHER where the stopping point should be and both be good with it. From what you have posted, I don't see you having any problems with that. The initial euphoria will eventually wear off and things reach a more even keel, but as long as you are still both having fun with it, then just keep it a healthy and positive part of your life and relationship and enjoy it.

We often state that the most important thing in swinging is communication but I think knowing the reason why you want to swing goes closely in hand with that. It sounds like you two are discussing it (outside of the bedroom) and that's great but I would ask you two to discuss why you think this is such a good idea and what each of you are looking to get out of swinging. Is it for excitement, is it because you feel something is missing in your own relationship, etc. Once you know the reasons then you can discuss the things you are afraid being in the lifestyle may change about each of you and your relationship. Those things will help you figure out if you are both suited for the lifestyle. Just wanting to see each other with another person SOUNDS like a reason but I think you two will find out you still have more surprises you two can learn about each other after all of your years together.

For my wife and I it was about experiencing those lustful feelings again that fade over time as a relationship matures. Yes, I condense hours worth of discussions into a single sentence but that lies at the heart of our reason. Once we discovered that, we found we were better prepared to discuss rules, boundaries, types of encounters we wanted, etc.

Just our thoughts.

I think you've answered your own question OP. You and your wife have discussed things to a point about what you like about the LS, what you want out of the LS etc. Now it's time to discuss any rules/boundaries you have, but even though that sounds arduous, try looking at it like this. Discuss all the things you can do rather than discuss things you flat out say no to. Of course the things you can't do are relevant and should not be overlooked, but lets face it, a lot of us have started out with a long long list of rules on,y to end up with a few to count on one hand if any after some experience. You don't want to limit yourself or your partner to the point that everything you do has a rule attached to it and make it almost to the point if being uncomfortable to play at all. Anyway that's just how I see that particular point. After that, just move slowly but surely into the LS and try not to overwhelm yourself. It's intoxicating when you first enter and easy to run ahead and forget that this isn't a race, but a journey with no real destination in mind. Moving t the slower pace of the couple is the safest option. And always always keep the communication lines open. Discuss likes/dislikes/feelings/absolutely everything....and keep up your research. :-)

Thanks for all the responses. Having people already in the lifestyle take a look at where we at helps the journey.

A few points came up there we had not considered. The reason for it. Good question. I will put this one to my wife too. I think for myself it feels like a bit of an evolution of our relationship into a new area which could be great but with hazards to be navigated. We have no expectations of how far we will get along that path. I think our relationship has grown through the years and made things accessible which earlier would have seemed impossible or even unwanted.

The point on the rules is good too. I have started to consider this a little. I think enough such that you safeguard your relationship and make the experience pleasurable and safe for you both but no more.

One area on my mind is that I imagine it's quite possible to witness your other half doing things they might not do with you. The charged situation, nerves and a different person almost make this a certainty. On reflection that is a good thing and underpins the whole point of it really.

Neither of us at this stage seem to have any indication of jealousy. Others will be different and in some of those differences they might excel. If that did not occur you would have to say what is the point?

I guess my rational thinking is all good just now but did others find some of the theory went out the window during and after their first experience?

I guess my rational thinking is all good just now but did others find some of the theory went out the window during and after their first experience?

The first time we swapped, M. was a little surprised to feel nothing but comfort. Unlike me, he wasn't turned on by it, but he said having me there made him feel really relaxed. We didn't really have any theories about how our first experience would go, but even if we had, I think that would have been unexpected.

Our rationale didn't go completely out the window after our first experience, but it certainly changed after subsequent meet and greets as well as experiences. Such is the nature if this LS...there are no absolute certainties, but what is important is safeguarding yourself and your relationship, communication and above all else, having fun when it just feels right.

... safeguarding yourself and your relationship, communication and above all else, having fun when it just feels right.

I so agree with what you say there. All the above is the reason we are taking it real easy. The benefits seem obvious but it's the risks we want to understand and how others manage them or at least live with them.

Interestingly enough the very process of freely having the discussions on this topic in itself seems to be of value to a relationship. Even after 20 years we realize that we still can go deeper with our understanding of each others needs, fears and desires.

Even if we never went any further we have gained for getting just this far.

We were surprised how easily we took to sex with new people. None of our worries expressed themselves. We had a no crime, no foul attitude and never went looking for trouble. My husband, after a few swings, did have some anxiety about his sexual performance, yet we worked through it, at times, imperfectly, yet things ended up being really great.

Interestingly enough the very process of freely having the discussions on this topic in itself seems to be of value to a relationship. Even after 20 years we realize that we still can go deeper with our understanding of each others needs, fears and desires.

Even if we never went any further we have gained for getting just this far.

Great! And I second that - discussions of this caliber have been known to cause discomfort, leave you with niggling questions about yourself or the other person but on a positive note, they also can bring you closer together by understanding what makes us tick and to not feel guilty for the things you desire as its only human nature after all. It also motivates you, inspires you to new ideas and possibilities. And that's a great thing. We all have something to lean and understand and gain benefits as well as become more aware of consequences and that contributes to the buzz. :-)

Well we took another step further along the road last night...

My wife an I both met another couple for a few drinks and Pizza at their place lady night. It was the first time we had all met together. Previously my wife and met the lady and I had met the guy. Kids were about etc so it was a relaxed friendly meet up. We get on very well and like them. That have had one unplanned experience with vanilla friends a few years back and loved it. They are keen to try again but don't want to go full ahead into the lifestyle much like us.

We all got on well together but there wasn't the chance to bring up the initial reason for why we have begun our friendship.

We exchanged texts and we all want to meet up again. So it went well. There is definitely an all round mutual attraction.

We as a couple are still trying to evaluate the risks and benefits an don't see us taking any big steps until we are comfortable.

It was good however in that we spent a lot of time today trying to work through the 'what if' scenarios of good and bad that could occur during and after a full swap encounter; if after lots of smaller steps that it ever happened.

We still feel that we will continue down the road but won't do anything until a stronger level of comfort exists the we can cope with all eventualities in a way that keeps our relationship from harm. So far so good but slow an steady she goes..

That's great....the couple you met do sound very nice. And the fact that they sound like they are in a similar position to you and your wife...taking things very slowly and not rushing into things, well then that's good to hear you are at least moving at the pace you are all comfortable with. Best of luck with this couple...hope it all continues to go well for you.

 

We as a couple are still trying to evaluate the risks and benefits an don't see us taking any big steps until we are comfortable.

So try a little soft swap first and see how that goes between you. Nothing major and usually nothing that can't be forgotten or forgiven if it goes wrong.

Well since me original post things have been up and down in the world of pre-swing evaluation.

I have went from the all is good in the world of swinging to a somewhat more cautious and doubtful view. Strangely my wife started a little bit like me but is now probably the one who has become more comfortable. Reading the posts where it is not going so good can be an eye opener.

All that said, our communication is not bounded whatsoever by any inhibition, we also have met a similar couple who we really like.

I guess the further down the path you go the more real it gets and the higher the stakes become.

We have started to work out what we would like or not like. We differ a little on this . My wife actually considers the thought of a soft swap where she would be naked in front of other people more daunting than the idea of dull swap. For the same reason she also thinks separate rooms may be less pressure initially. I would prefer same room to be honest but I then read that the visual of sharing each other can be a bigger challenge than the act itself. We haven't really thrashed it around so it needs thought.

I would be interested to know what if any of the baby steps that others took or did you just dive straight in?

The baby steps as you call it started off like this for us; we are a couple and our intention was to go forward as a couple who plays together or not at all. A few hicks up here and there, we lost sight of what that really meant to begin with - I will be honest and say we got a little over our heads right from the start. Then when we established a mutual interest with another guy and we had been chatting for a while, photos were exchanged and he had a hall pass from his Mrs who was on holiday at the time (I even spoke with her to make sure her comfort levels were as they should have been and she was informed of the situation about to unfold in a matter of days). Once I found out she was OK with it, our first experience was a straight MFM. He was a nice guy who didn't run off after the deed was done but in fact we chatted with each other for a while that nighy. It was a good first experience, not mind blowing WOW kind of stuff, but very good. And that was how we lost our swinging virginity....onwards and upwards. Life is not always perfect, sometimes you are surprised beyond your wildest dreams and other times, it's mediocre or exactly as you thought it might be. And that goes for the ups and downs, sometimes it's smooth riding, other times its rocky and full of ifs and buts, to and fros. But what keeps you interested and what keeps you motivated is meeting people with likeminded thoughts and the desire to try new things with not only your partner but with other people. That is the buzz, that's what makes you feel great about what you do and who you pursue those things with. Sometimes you learn things quickly, sometimes you learn the hard way and sometimes it takes a little while to catch on. Nevertheless, it's awesome but as I have said before. The ability to roll with the punches and to communicate always with your partner and never lose sight of the very important things is what keeps you level headed.

As the saying goes, the world is your oyster OP....embrace it or let it pass by...it's always ultimately and infinitely Your Choice.

Softswap does not have to be naked. There are various levels you can work with prior to that. Hands outside clothing, hands inside clothing, above the waist, below the waist etc etc. Any combo you prefer. Try them together and then in separate rooms. Like you I preferred the together approach but I have to say after a few sessions I as actually happy to have separate room activities. I just made focusing on your partner a little easier.

If you can do a softswap naked with oral sex comfortably, I can almost guarantee you'll probably take the next step to full swap.

Always remember to set the rules. Here's an example of a Contract and discussion you can have. Swinging is designed to strengthen your relationship, not cause catastrophic consequences and always go at the pace of the slowest participant. All the best with your endeavors.

I would be interested to know what if any of the baby steps that others took or did you just dive straight in?

We were soft swap for a week, full swap the week after.

Soft or full swap is a mental thing. Now for separate rooms, we did separate to start, a BIG BIG mistake. My imagination is far far more dangerous than reality. If you can't handle it in the same room where you know whats going on, you don't want to know what your imagination will do. Long story short, I recovered from that blunder, but I think for many men its best to know exactly whats going on.

If you wife is having body image problems, which is what it sounds like to me, she will need to at least get those in check first.

We dove straight in. The first thing we ever did was 2 men for her because it was one of her lifelong fantasies. That's two other men, I didn't participate and still don't participate in MFM because I think its about the gayest thing you can do short of just having sex with a man yourself.

Our second thing was blind dumb luck the minute we walked into a club the first time. We ran into a single woman we knew in vanilla life and had a FMF with her.

The very next week we had more dumb luck, met a couple we both liked and had a full swap.

There were problems along the way with that approach when we'd bite off a little more than we could chew and had to work it out later. There were things we both did that bothered the other. None of it had ever been discussed. We didn't talk about hypothetical scenarios that might bother us because we didn't know what would bother us until it happened. It took a little while but we settled into what we like and don't like, and had some novel experiences along the way.

Actually there was one rule I put on her from the beginning, which would be politically incorrect to mention here.

Go ahead AR1547....be politically correct...others have done so in the past and that's the key word here, it was in the past so it no longer matters. :-)

Haha. Come on AR1547 you can't leave us hanging... you will have to spill that rule now.

Well an update on things..

Still going at a real slow pace. The crazy excitement we had when initially just talking about it has worn off some. After that my reading on here probably exposed some of the more real risks in terms of the possible downsides.

We've came through all those discussions and we are still as interested but appreciate the size the step it is more now. I have to thank my wife for that. I tend to see only the upside initially while she seems to see both up and down very easily. A male thing or maybe just a me thing?

We have met the couple discussed previously again for a social meet again. We like them a lot and the mutual spark is there. They are lovely people and keen but very respectful that we are still in the considering / research phase.

We've tried to work through most of the 'what if' scenarios as a couple in discussions. I mean the 'what if the other guy / girl is better in some way' kind of thing. We both kind of think well yeh, there is a fair chance that could happen and its kind of the point to experience something new.

One issue we band about is what will the morning after bring?

A concern my wife feels is that we can't really know how much at risk we are of developing feelings for someone else. It's a good point and kind of puts me off a touch. As keen as I am I would never want to take action which leads to relationship damage. It's the whole can everyone separate physical intimacy from emotional attachment issue. I feel I personally can easily buy my wife says it's not as easy as that. Suspect the latter is true.

So how have others approached it? Is our concern natural or a red flag? Is this where rules come in? Communication before and after?

I think some risks can only be mitigated and not eliminated. Perhaps this is one where you only know after experience.

Either way we'll continue to ask questions until we either think let's do it or walk away. Have to say, this forum is invaluable to people like me. It's an awesome resource.

A concern my wife feels is that we can't really know how much at risk we are of developing feelings for someone else. It's a good point and kind of puts me off a touch. As keen as I am I would never want to take action which leads to relationship damage. It's the whole can everyone separate physical intimacy from emotional attachment issue. I feel I personally can easily buy my wife says it's not as easy as that. Suspect the latter is true.

 

So how have others approached it? Is our concern natural or a red flag? Is this where rules come in? Communication before and after?

Honestly, it's never been an issue for us and in my experience it only becomes one for others if they're somehow unhappy with their lives. People who are content with their lives and partners are, I suspect, more easily able to separate love and sex. However, it was one of Mr. Doe's initial concerns, too, and we resolved it by deciding that if it ever happened, we'd figure it out then. We definitely did a lot of talking about that and other things, though.

A concern my wife feels is that we can't really know how much at risk we are of developing feelings for someone else. It's a good point and kind of puts me off a touch. As keen as I am I would never want to take action which leads to relationship damage. It's the whole can everyone separate physical intimacy from emotional attachment issue. I feel I personally can easily buy my wife says it's not as easy as that. Suspect the latter is true.

 

So how have others approached it? Is our concern natural or a red flag? Is this where rules come in? Communication before and after?

 

Some swingers do a "one and done" with other couples to make sure feelings don't develop. Some may also limit the amount of contact they have with other couples. For example, they may not do a lot of emailing/texting/calling back and forth.

And there are some swingers that don't mind building friendship type relationships with those that they swing. And beyond that, there are those that swing and are also poly and don't mind having feelings develop as long as everyone is on board with the idea.

When we first started, we also went the same route as mauijane and decided that if feelings ever did develop we would approach it then. When we had our first swap, it was clear as day that it was just sex.

Thanks for that. When you look at all the text book prerequisites for swinging it can be hard to understand what is a normal concern and what is a 'do not proceed' type issue.

We are very happy together and I wouldn't even have the slightest inclination to seek an emotional relationship with another. It would be nice however to use the trust and security we've built up to give each other the chance to experience new sexual opportunities. Life seems too short to say no if you are already with the one you love.

Thanks for the update....going at your pace with no expectations and keeping an open mind is the best pace of all...whether you swing or not. :-)

It sounds like you two are on the correct path at the correct speed (for the both of you). As already stated, the most important thing is keeping the lines of communication open and flowing. As for rules, when we started we had a bunch but most of them have disappeared or were unnecessary. The rules that have remained are: Move at the speed of the slowest person. If one person is hesitant, uncomfortable or says no to something, then it is no for everyone with no repercussions or pressure to get them to change their mind. Also, no one 'takes one for the team'. If we aren't both interested, then we walk away. We are also same room all of the time. We are in this together and swinging separately isn't being together.

If there are problems in a relationship, swinging seems to magnify them and make them worse but the opposite seems true as well. If the relationship is strong and the communication and trust is there, then that is what gets magnified. We have found out is that we feel closer than we ever have and things just continue to get better.

Awesome! You both love each other and can have sex with other people and still love each other. Heaven! Best of luck! Have fun!

The most important result of swinging is increased communication. After being together for twenty years you both learned something new about each other and both were surprised, pleasantly. Communication is a journey that even twenty years didn't cover. Another twenty years won't cover it either. When you give up communication, when you fully take each other for granted, that's when I feel you lose it as a couple.

Over our comparatively short married life, my wife and I have been faced with situations not related to swinging that we never expected, that baffled, challenged, and saddened us. I feel the communication that enabled both our marriage and swinging, also enabled us to get through these amazing challenges in life. There is no substitute for communication in a marriage or relationship or friendship.

I wonder if you are over thinking things. You'll likely quickly find, as most on this site appear to have found, that the worry about feelings developing is overblown. Having a wonderful level of communication and relationship that allows you to approach this pleasure in the careful way you have is simply not duplicated when meeting another couple who has been through the same process. Swinging can help make very clear how much a relationship takes, how much is contained within it. There is no comparison between what you have and any sexual friendship you enjoy for pleasure.

For my wife and I the sex after is as much a part of swinging as the sex during. And we often include sex with each other in the during. For us it is sharing rather than swapping. That's why we prefer same room play, though different room play can also be fun.

Wow. Thanks for the post Lascivious. Very well thought out indeed. I wondered when I would get picked up for over thinking it. My wife and I are reaching the same conclusion. It's a good place to be. We've tried to turn this thing upside down and back to front in our mind and we still feel on balance we want to move forward.

I've not seen the point you made on communication and how it is not easily duplicated by another made before. It's an interesting insight and I think you are right.

We're getting closer to the let's make this happen zone but not quite there yet. I think however it's increasingly becoming more of a when than if now.

Thanks again for that post. It's nice to get some positive insight. Many other threads contain genuine horror stories which I find puts us a step or two back.