Best way & time to bring up subject (MFM) to partner/wife?

So the question has been asked many times, and I have read all the very helpful threads on the subject, but I'd like still like to get some advice about people's experiences in getting their partner into swinging - in our case, an MFM threesome - when one (usually the woman) was initially reluctant or hadn't thought much about the idea but then eventually came to want it just as much.

We're a happily married couple in our mid-40s. Sex life is good, although being parents keeps us from doing it as often as we'd like, but no problem otherwise. However, I have for years been incredibly excited by the idea of my wife having sex with another man, a fantasy I also had about several of my ex GFs, but never actually tried. When I was single, I experienced MFM threesomes with several couples over the years which was great. I would really like to find another man join us and pleasure her together as well as watch them play. Although so far this is just a fantasy, I have thought very deeply about how I would feel about it in reality, based on my experiences as the third male, and come to the conclusion that I would be OK with it and want to do it, obviously provided my wife would be up for it.

Before we were married she told me she used to fantasize about being with two men at the same time, but said she would have difficulty letting herself go and enjoy it if I were there as she'd worry about me getting jealous. At the time I wasn't thinking as much about the idea as now, so I didn't insist on trying to convince her that far from being jealous I would love it, so it never beyond that, but at least I know the idea is not alien to her. Recently I've been jokingly trying to bring up the subject but I get the feeling she doesn't really think I'm serious. Although I can't tell whether she'd actually go beyond a fantasy, I had a recent experience that suggest to me she's open to the concept. A few months back I grew a beard (I don't normally have one) and she really liked the new look, and seemed to be quite turned on by it, and when we had (better than normal) sex she said it was almost like being with another man. After a week she ended up asking me to remove the beard because in her words "it felt like she was being unfaithful" when we were having sex, and when I said that surely wasn't a problem since she obviously wasn't she told me, "but what if I like it so much I want more". OK, I'm not suggesting this means she is about to jump headlong into swinging, but the fact that she can toy with the ideas in her mind, and seems to find them mildly exciting, suggest that there may be hope in getting her to go beyond a mere fantasy.

So my questions to you would be where to go from here, and particularly those of you who were initially reluctant, how did your partner broach the subject in a way that worked for you? I realize everyone is different but hearing other's experiences would be helpful. I obviously don't want to coerce her in any way, just open her eyes to the possibility and hopefully she will then want it. Our problem is she doesn't really like to talk about sex outside the bedroom, although I am trying gently to get her to do so more (not so much to get her into swinging as to make her less uncomfortable about it), and I think while she has this fantasy and isn't particularly conservative or so I suspect she would take a long time accepting that she could have sex with other men (with me watching or takinng part) while being married and that I would want this and still love her. I realize communication is key, but should I first get her to be more open about her sexuality and only then gently move to the subject? Or should I raise it when we're in bed, after (or during) sex, since this is when she is more open about her sexuality and desires? One thing that is clear for me is that I am not interested in being with other women - something I know for sure she'd never want - but just want another man to join us and please her. I would like to get her to talk more about her fantasies (and the one about two men in particular!), do you think it would be a good idea to mention my MMF experiences before I met her (she doesn't know) or is that more likely to be offputting?

It feels like a bombshell and in some ways is, because after all it's about making her admit to a side of her personality that she doesn't normally allow in the open. I obviously realize she might not be open to this and it will never happen, but unless I ask I won't know - and at the same time, if she says no, I don't want it to come between us in any way. Any ideas or advice appreciated.

I wouldn't bring up your past; you need to approach this as something you'd like to do as a couple. Have you ever watched porn together? You could get a MFM film and bring it up with it. I know a lot of people will say have the discussion out of bed, but I would say in bed as right now it's a fantasy. If she agrees to the idea, then take the discussion out-of-bed.

I don't think there's a right answer here, because your choices have to suit the two of you and you know your wife better than anyone. What happens if you forget your fantasy of MFM for now and substitute a fantasy of your wife being open about what turns her on (whether just in play or in real life)? How would you get to that place, not as a way-station en route to your fantasy but as a goal in itself?

Another tack you could take would be to just tell her your fantasy and see what happens. That's honest, direct and a real world example of how open you want her to be. Is that something you can do?

The only piece of advice I have is that women who don't share their fantasies freely generally are afraid that fully embracing their sexuality will result in loss of love and respect. When your wife said, "but what if I like it so much, etc." she was essentially asking for reassurance. You might look for other opportunities to give her the support and love that would allow her to be more open.

As a wife who approached her husband about swinging, I don't have any experiential advice. I think offering your support to allow her to be more comfortable in her desires and sexual feelings is the right path for now. She needs to know your love is unconditional and you trust her implicitly. I don't think there's any harm in having a conversation about sex over a quiet private dinner - a couple glasses of wine, a nice meal, a date night perhaps - then asking her how she's feel about being with the bearded guy and you at the same time could be a segway into a great conversation.

Sometimes presenting our desires as a dream, an unconscious thought and one we aren't wholly responsible for is a good method to test the waters for a conversation that is hard to have.

It's all in the presentation I'd imagine...and only you know her well enough to know what she'd respond best to. If she thinks you are kidding, you might just have to come right out and tell her you're serious.

Have you told her about the threesomes you experienced before you married? It was when you were single so I don't see a problem telling her about them. And in explaining to her how you enjoyed it and, even more, how the couple enjoyed it might make her better understand the dynamics. And, it would let her know that you could deal with it because of what you know and understand from those experiences.

Ifag whenever she asks about your previous experences with threesomes be open with her, as noted above it was before her time , and no threat to her current situation. But I don't see this as a near future topic for you to initiate. For now put the idea of a specific MFM encounter far on the back burner.

The imeadate priority to open up her communication about fantasies , and sex generally. Since she is relativly more communicative in bed , this is a good starting point. Eventually you should be able to communicate out of bed and not in the heat of the moment , but you need to build upon what already partially works first.

When in the heat of the moment , bring up a variety of immagrey, not just MFM. Heck not even limited to other people , but all sorts of sexual and sensual adventures and pleasures. Go with her verbal and non verbal feedback. Eventually give her oppertunities to share . Don't even put it "what you would like to do" , but "what have you thought or wondered about", so she is freer to discuss somthing in the abstract rather than feeling she's commiting to sonthing too quickly.

And if her initial intrests aren't MFM , or are some new flavor of activity not involving other people , be open minded to considering that. The more empowered and adventerous she becomes generally , and presumably the more open and trusting with you , she is more likely to give consideration to other activities.