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2112

Think it'll happen? Want outside perspectives.

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Hey all,

 

I must apologize in advance as this might get wordy because the evolution of our experience together has encompassed a lot of time, and I think background information would be good to know.

 

This is the he of the couple, and while I know that the title above is a a loaded question, I think it bears asking so that I can gain the knowledge of others personal experiences to see where this may or may not go.

 

A little about us before beginning. My wife and I are an extremely open couple when it comes to our ability to talk and bring things up without worry of either setting up for an argument, or being made to feel inept or weird for expressing the feelings that one or the other might have. This is not something that we started out with, but as time has progressed we have honed this skill finely. Also, I know that my wife's heart is mine, and mine hers. No other can take her place, and I know that she feels the same for me. Our relationship is such that if you have one of us over for dinner without the other you may end up with somewhat of a boring evening as you would only have half of what makes each of us better people. With all that being said, let's begin. ;)

 

First, background! Around 2007, during one of our many conversations, I had mentioned a fantasy of mine that had been developing over the course of the last several years. That fantasy was to bring another person into our bedroom. At the time, the fantasy for me was to bring a woman in. I mean, what guy hasn't had that fantasy at some time or another. At this point we had been married for 13 years and I really didn't think much of it as hurtful, or demeaning, or anything of the like. It was fantasy. Well, this is one of the times that I think understanding went out of the window. She wasn't happy. She "excitedly" explained to me that it must mean that she was inadequate for me and that she wasn't making me happy, and the litany of other items that went on for some time. Admittedly, looking back I can see that my presentation was probably lacking in delicacy regarding the content. I mean, I was raised by hippies. Sex and nudity, wasn't made a taboo, or a big deal. It just was. Honestly, since 2007 I have started to think that it was highly possible that my parents partook of the lifestyle just due to some of the earmarks that I have learned of since then. Now, for my wife it was different, sex was in typical southern fashion simply not talked about. Aside from "the talk" that was it. With the wisdom of age and more experience I can now see how something like this might be a bit alarming. Needless to say, after that conversation I left it at that.

 

Fast forward to the past few years. After the folly of that experience, I was very careful about expressing what thoughts were running around in my head when it concerned others in our bedroom. Although it had evolved to a vastly different perspective than it had originally started from, I pretty much kept it to myself. One night, my wife and I were watching a porn movie, and after a couple of scenes a scene started which involved two ladies. It was a very sensual scene, and one thing I noticed was that my wife was captivated by it. So much so, the following romp had a fire to it that led to a sheet changingly great ending. In the afterglow, we were talking and I asked if that scene had been what set her off in such a vigorous way. To my shock she said it was. This was a total surprise to me because in all our years together, she had never let on that women turned her on in the least. Taking heed to not rock any boats, I told her that I was turned on by the thought of her and another woman, but didn't press it.

 

Fast forward to the last year. Lately we have been going to more parties than before. Our children are older, our time is opening up a bit, and we are just generally getting to have a bit more fun. We both have always been social, and as we go to more parties, we find that a lot of the time either she or I is the life of the party. Anyway, over the course of these get-togethers, we have been noticing that a larger portion of our friends are either making seemingly joking advances to us, or outright "You can fuck my wife" kinds. We were stunned by this, but I guess with this happening she has seen that I am not a freak when it comes to this. As such, it has opened up our conversation at home. I have been able to explain that now it isn't just the thought of a woman with her in the bedroom, but men too. As the years passed, my fantasies had morphed into some startling realizations of spirit. I explained that her pleasure is my happiness, and that I didn't own her. If there is something that I can't do in the bedroom to make her happy, it would be my pleasure to make it happen for her. That I know that she is coming home with me. She then, rather than get upset, explained that she had developing fantasies with things like that, but "wasn't there yet to let it happen." Again, I didn't press it.

 

Fast forward to the last several months. During the course of the past few months there has been times that during sex she would mention wishing another man was in the room so she could do various things to him while I was doing various things to her, or at other times having another woman in the room so that I could do various things while she did various things. Of course, this turns me on greatly. Our conversations have been going to some of the couples that have made advances to us in the recent past.

 

Now, again I apologize for being wordy, but as you can see there has been a constant evolution of our sex lives together. I'm not convinced I know where this is going, but would like to know if any of you had experienced similarities that you can offer advice or warning to.

 

If there was anything that I didn't explain well enough, please ask me to elaborate. I sometimes have trouble expressing myself through writing. I'm the "much better in person" type. :)

 

Thanks!

2112

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2112, sometimes fantasies morph into reality, sometimes not. Maybe the next step is asking if she would come here and read some of the advice and experiences offered. We often hear that once the ice has been broken by careful research and investigation that the other partner opens up or softens to the idea enough to seriously consider it -if not actually agree to give it a try. Opening a profile on adult ad site, such as swinglifestyle to find compatible partners or venues in which to meet others is the next logigal step after the initial investigation phase.

 

Do I think it will happen - maybe. It sounds as if you've taken the time to talk about it and cultivate the notion. Only the two of you can decide if swinging is a path you wish to travel down...it's not for everyone. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say within the next year you will either swing or decide not to. I give it a 50/50 based on what you've shared:)

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I want to echo what angelkin has said and suggest you point your wife in this direction. It has taken a number of years for your wife to get comfortable having and talking about fantasies that require other people and maybe the next step is to discover there is a sizable number of folks just like you who have those same fantasies. That they've turned into reality.

 

In any case, it could go either way. It really does depend at least in part on how much support she gets for those fantasies that violate the cultural norms with which she was raised (which you've seen in her response to joking overtures from your peer group) and how open the two of you can be in your conversations away from sex.

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At this point, it's a fantasy. I think it's important to recognize that. Just getting to this point where the two of you can talk openly (at least mostly) about the fantasy is a journey in itself. It's been five years of being on that journey. Tacitly or openly, I think your wife probably recognizes that you do not feel she is inadequate. If that were the case, there wouldn't have been a five years since that moment. You've come a long way. There's still a long road in front of you now. But, do not be discouraged.

 

From what you say, you have a great basis to consider swinging. By and large, successful swingers have relationships where communication is very open without judgment or reproach. That is a very important basis. Without it, swinging can get messy. Further, you are very focused on her pleasure. I am for my wife as well, and I think of that as being very key. Also that you have a deep, strong love for each other is crucial. For my wife and I it is important that we are one in this; her pleasure is mine and vice versa. You seem to have that as well.

 

You noted that it was astonishing to both of you that people you felt were not freaks were possibly in this lifestyle. That seems to be an important point, especially for your wife. I think quite a few people are surprised at how 'normal' swingers are. Take any random group of people from society and that provides a pretty good representation of swingers. There isn't a 'type'. Here's a suggestion for learning more in that realm; attend a meet and greet party. There probably is a regularly held one somewhere in your general region. The idea with these parties is that swingers meet swingers. There's no playing that happens on-site. Couples might match up and retire to a previously reserved room if there's a hotel associated with the event. But, there's no expectation of playing. You can just go and mingle with other swingers. What's the worst that could happen? You spend a couple of hours out together having some fun without getting naked with anyone. That's it. Nobody will pressure you or grope you or anything the like.

 

I think the path you've taken has been a positive one; allowing time for thoughts to develop. Some couples consider swinging and jump right into the deep end of the pool within a few days. Others take years. There's no right answer; just the one that works for the two of you together. It is often said here that couples moving into swinging should move at the pace of the partner who wants to move the slowest. This appears to be your wife in this case. That's perfectly fine. Make sure you respect that. You appear to have done a great job of not pressuring her. Kudos! Just open doors. It's up to her to walk through them.

 

As you note, your formative years were heavily influenced by exposure to hippie culture. Your wife's experiences have been significantly different. You recognize that, which is good. Understand it make take her years yet to fully embrace her outward sexual desires, to come to the point where having sex with another man is a joyful moment for her and both of you together. Both of you have some unlearning, as it were, to do. I think most of us in swinging had to do some of that. Our culture, our society so strongly pushes the idea of monogamy, or at least serial monogamy, that anything outside of that is immediately the subject of scorn and ridicule. This polarizes your view, and has to be unlearned a bit to create a framework of understanding of how swinging might work within your marriage. For my wife, a difficult hurdle for her was to embrace the idea that I really was excited about the prospect of her having sex with another man, and that I was entirely comfortable with her expressing to me her desire to have sex with a particular man of interest to her. Our society would immediately destroy such thoughts as being 1000000% wrong, sinful, destructive, causing jealousy, destroying your marriage, etc. Reality? It's very fun for my wife and I to talk openly about our attraction for other people, and seeing her enjoy another man is a wonderful, amazing experience. It took time to get there.

 

It is very important to understand there is a world of difference between fantasy and reality in swinging. Your wife was very turned on by the idea of playing with another woman, and this highly energized your sexual activities. Perfectly normal. Taking that fantasy and experiencing it in reality; that's a big, big bridge to cross. One measure to judge where you are that I have often noted is this; if the only place you discuss swinging is in the bedroom while you're playing around, it's most likely just fantasy. If you can talk comfortably about the notion outside of the bedroom, while doing mundane tasks, there's a reasonable basis on which to believe it could be more than fantasy. If it is just fantasy, that's perfectly fine. If it leads to swinging, that's perfectly fine too.

 

I think you're on the right path, and I agree with the posters above. Bring your wife to the forums here, and ask away with your questions. We'll be happy to answer!

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At this point, the key is taking your discussions from the bedroom to the kitchen table (or the couch) and opening up about these topics in an honest way without sex as the backdrop. As long as it's only occurring in the bedroom you'll never really know if it's just fodder for fantasy or if there may be more to it.

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