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Curious about swinging. How do you set limits with other people?

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Just curious how you would suggest setting limits with the other person? I want to see my wife get fucked, for sure by a woman. I am pretty sure that I would like a girl doing everything possible with my wife, no problem there, but I am wondering about another guy doing stuff with her?

 

Like, for instance, we have played around with the idea of her going out to a bar/club and flirting/getting hit on by guys....but what if I don't want her fucking the guy? Maybe I just want her to give him a blowjob or handjob and him to finger or eat her out?

 

Also we were talking and she brought up the point that what if we are out, in Vegas or something partying, and she asked a guy that was hitting on her to fuck her in front of me? She asked me "how would you feel if you were a single guy and a couple came up to you and asked you to fuck his wife while he watched? How would you react?" And honestly I told her that would be awkward. I don't know if that is something that could happen very comfortably and I am almost thinking maybe it is better if she just went out on her own and did it just the 2 of them and then told me about it later?

 

I don't know how this will work?! LOL

 

We have never done this and I don't know what my limits are right now, sometimes I feel I have no limits and other times I feel like just touching or kissing at the most.

 

Any thoughts?

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I think the best and first step is for you and your wife to continue talking and figure out where your limits are...what rules you wish to swing by - at least in the beginning. Soft swap is a common first foray into swinging and much like you described, it's oral and anything that doesn't include penetration. It sounds like you're leaning that way. There's a forum about swinging limits and boundaries that might help you get an idea of what others' rules are and how best to set your own limits.

 

As far as expressing your boundaries to those you may wish to include in your escapades, you should be up front and honest and let them decide if the situation you are comfortable with is for them. If not, eventually you will find someone that will agree to play by your rules - then stick to those rules, even in the heat of the moment. This is about you and your wife's comfort level...and you won't find it without trial and error.

 

Best of luck!!

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Thanks!

 

Do you think we would be able to find guys out in public and regular bars or clubs that would be willing to play by our rules, or is it better to just find one of those local swinger parties and try to find someone there? Or internet sites?

 

The key thing for us would be discretion, we don't want to run into the person in our normal day to day lives.

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I vote for clubs or swinger websites...though others might feel you could have luck in vanilla bars. We have no experience with that route to share.

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I vote for clubs or swinger websites...though others might feel you could have luck in vanilla bars. We have no experience with that route to share.

 

So you think swinger clubs? Or vanilla dance clubs?

 

I was thinking of checking out the Green Door or Red Rooster in Las Vegas when we go, but I was reading reviews that made it sound not clean and kinda creepy, a lot of single men some really older, like 60-70, walking around naked jerking off! Doesn't sound so appealing! Someone equated it to looking like zombies walking around stroking there junk! LOL

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One of the reasons I'm such a fan of swing clubs for people looking for either men or couples is that male swingers actually get something that vanilla guys might not, that it's about the couple's pleasure first. In addition, there are some less than flexible attitudes out in the world about couples who have sex outside their relationship, so that would be of concern as well.

 

There are reviews here about both those clubs as well as, I believe, a club in Vegas that has couples only nights. I don't have any personal information, though.

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Angelkin and mauijanedoe have given you excellent advice (as they always do). Non-swingers do not understand a couple's dynamic within the swinging community. Most societies do not view non-monogamy in a pleasant light. Swinger clubs do help to alleviate that, although, I am sure there are still single males that frequent those clubs that still do not understand the privilege that a couple is bestowing on them to allow them into their sexual play.

 

As for swinger clubs, we have been to three total, two where we live and Red Rooster in Las Vegas. From the reviews, I had slightly higher hopes that it would be better than the ones we have been to...but it didn't seem very different. It was definitely packed, the layout is different (as it is wont to be from club to club), and as usual, there were several single males. But I was still dismayed that it wasn't more...modern, clean, and fresh feeling. It was old and dingy...and Mr. Sunbuckus didn't like all the cigarette smoke. With that said, swinger clubs are a great starting point. If it is an on-premise site, they offer the ability to meet and play with other couples/singles. A staff that is able to enforce safety rules. And a general, sexy atmosphere where you know that everyone that is present is usually looking for sex with other people. Keep in mind, this isn't always the case. There will be couples that are only there for the atmosphere, only there to be voyeurs, or only to be exhibitionists.

 

Good luck to you both!

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If you pick people who are familiar with, and in, the lifestyle they'll understand your limits. And, much less chance of any drama if you were to have a change of heart during the experience too.

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Cool, sounds like maybe the best bet for us if we want her to hook up with either another woman or another man, is to check out a swingers site or go to a local club here in ABQ?

 

Does anyone know of any swinger clubs in ABQ? I can look into also, just wondering if anyone has been or heard of any good ones?

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Perhaps the best bit of advice I can give is to stick to.....

 

THE RULE OF FIVE

 

 

You see when couples start out swinging its not uncommon for them to have very LONG LISTS of rules / boundaries / worries / or even doubts about this lifestyle.

 

That yes they want to explore this lifestyle, they want to explore sexually, but they also want to discuss or even control every aspect, for example they try and use rules and boundaries to control:

 

What Happens

How It Happens

Where It Happens

When It Happens

With Who You Play With

What Is / Isn't Allowed

What They Want / Don't Want To See

What This Other Person Should Be Like

What The Advanced Rules / Boundaries Are

ECT.....

 

 

The new couple make rules and boundaries regarding everything from if their allowed to kiss, if their allowed to give oral sex, if the person they meet should be tall, short, younger, older, have a small penis, large penis, how they should be dressed, what contraception should be used, how long they should spend having sex with that person, how many times your allowed to have sex with that person, what time of day you should meet that person, if you should have drinks before meeting that person, what forms of contact are allowed between you and that person, and so on.....

 

 

The new couple often discusses their "Perfect Situation" they spend a lot of time thinking about "How This Should Work" and answer many questions such as where, when, how, with who, for how long, whats allowed or isn't allowed and kind of build this perfect scenario in their minds.

 

HOWEVER....

 

I'm sorry to say that:

 

A) Swinging / Group Sex really doesn't happen like that.

 

B) Swinging / Group Sex doesn't operate very well at all with huge lists of rules and boundaries.

 

 

Firstly let me assure you that the vast majority of swinging situations doesn't usually work out how YOU PLAN.

 

Their are countless examples of this:

 

- Maybe you wanted to meet a single guy to have fun with.

But actually the guy you meet turns out to be married and cheating on people.

 

- Maybe you wanted to meet someone with a nice big dick for your wife to explore.

But instead you end up meeting someone with a much smaller dick and who can not even get erect.

 

- Maybe you wanted to meet someone you can talk with for several hours and get to know before playing.

But instead you meet someone who is in a rush and only has an hour to spare.

 

- Maybe you want to meet someone who is bisexual and wouldn't mind playing with the same sex a little.

But on meeting them and getting in bed they suddenly change their minds about been bisexual.

 

- Maybe you have advanced rules about what contact is allowed.

But a week later you hear a knock on your door and this new person is stud there.

 

- Maybe you imagine a evening of drinks, chatting, light food before playing.

Only to find the person you have met doesn't drink at all.

 

 

Trying to PLAN how this all happens is often a mistake, the more plans you make, the more rigid rules you put in place, the more difficult this lifestyle will become and the more let down your wife will feel when the person you meet doesn't turn out as planned.

 

Men are a great example, you can PLAN all day long about what type of man you want to meet, how clean he should be, how tall, what weight he should be, how he should dress, where you should meet, how the evening should progress with him, how long you should spend together, what things he should and shouldn't do. BUT THEN you actually meet this man only to find out he isn't what you planned at all.

 

 

Secondly.....

 

Let me assure you that the more rules and boundaries you create, the more difficult and at times even stressful this situation will become.

 

Lets say for example that I'm a single man.

 

I go out to a club and I meet a nice young women, she is sexy, she is single, we seem to get on, so what is my response?

 

A) Ask her out for a date.

 

B) Slam a 50 page contract on the table covering my rules, desires, what I am allowed to do, what I'm not allowed to do and so on.

 

 

I say to the girl...

 

"If you want to meet me again you have to follow these 50 rules and boundaries I have created"

 

 

She would laugh in my face, she would feel weird, feel on edge, feel confused, as basically life doesn't work that way.

 

Sex, meeting someone new is suppose to be fun, its not suppose to be a in depth contract covering every possibility.

 

If you send your wife off to meet a guy and give your wife a list of 50 rules to follow then she will spend 80% of the night thinking.

 

"Am I doing this right?"

 

"Am I breaking any rules here?"

 

"Oh no this guy has asked for something that is not in our rules, what should I do?"

 

"Oh no this situation isn't going how we planned, what should I do?"

 

 

Perhaps one of the best examples of this is that some years ago now we had a NEW MANAGER start where I worked. In fairness that manager was a total idiot and his first job was to create about 10 new workplace rules, he created rules that he wanted every employee to follow, sadly however about 5 of these rules actually made our job almost impossible, the manager was trying to control a situation he didn't understand, trying to control something before it even happened, and basically the entire work fore just ignored the rules anyway, if we hand't ignored those rules the job wouldn't have got done.

 

In many cases too many rules, too many boundaries makes a difficult, almost impossible working environment.

 

Many people around the world start a NEW JOB and are given a book covering the workplaces codes and practices, a workplace manual covering the rules, but how many people actually read them?

 

I have worked in various places where smoking is not allowed, but half the work force still smokes, I have worked in various places where relationships at work are not allowed but still they have relationships and it didn't stop me fucking the cleaner in the store room either, many people say rules are made to be broken.

 

 

THE RULE OF FIVE

 

My advice is that you follow the rule of five.

 

You create ONLY FIVE CORE RULES you simplify the subject and only have 5 very core rules.

 

Some people would say as a couple if you have more than 5 rules or boundaries, then your not really ready to swing.

 

Those core rules should mainly be aimed at your safety, and the things you don't want, for example those 5 rules might be:

 

 

1. No Meeting Without Consent: That you or your wife doesn't meet anyone else without the other persons knowledge, agreement, acceptance.

 

2. No Personal Details: Perhaps you do not want other guys to have your wife's personal phone number, email, chat program details, ect. That you do not give stranger personal details such as your address, workplace information, and so on.

 

3. No Locals / Friends: Maybe you do not want to meet people who live too close to you, that you would prefer meeting people with a little distance between you and them, people who don't know your other friends or family.

 

4. No Dislikes: If your wife doesn't like anal sex then have a rule of no anal sex, if your wife doesn't like a man cumming in her mouth have a rule against that, figure out what your not comfy with and have a rule against those things.

 

5. No Means No: Have a rule where if either of you doesn't like the situation then you can say "NO" and walk out / stop / not play with that other person.

 

 

Figure out the 5 key rules that mean the most to you as a couple and stick to those rules.

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You AND your wife have to set the boundaries. It’s not only what you want, it’s what both of you want. You say you want to watch her with a guy fuck, does she want to fuck is more the question. I think picking a random guy might sound exciting but it could be dangerous. Are you in a position to stop a guy if he wants to do more and you say stop. We haven’t been to a club but it sounds like a controlled environment and I think others there know the ground rules. To me the best Choice is a friend you can trust.

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You seem to be talking a lot about what you want with no concern about what she wants. Also, your “limits" seem to be something you want to set on the fly, depending on the guy, the place, the weather, whatever. It comes off as control. Most of us think of limits in terms of how the game is played, rules that apply to every instance so there is no miscommunications. You need to first agree on your mutual goals. Are you into MFM, or just hot wifing or whatever. And certainly for the two I mentioned, that can happen in most any bar. I would suggest ones linked with a nice hotel.

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It is up to her to decide. Decide ahead of time, play different scenerios whereas if this and that happen. Make sure you are happy with her getting that extra service man or woman based.

 

Normally it is not that direct... couples chat with each, find things in common outside of sex and then maybe... It is awkward the first time... but trust me seeing another male please your wife is very erotic and it is for her benefit. She will love you 100xs over. Our first time was amazing for me to see how pleased she was with a guy that was actually not even her dream type but he knew how to hit all the buttons. I basically got to see his cock push into her which was only the most erotic thing until she demanded he cum inside her and seeing him do it. Amazing..

 

Just curious how you would suggest setting limits with the other person? I want to see my wife get fucked, for sure by a woman. I am pretty sure that I would like a girl doing everything possible with my wife, no problem there, but I am wondering about another guy doing stuff with her?

 

Like, for instance, we have played around with the idea of her going out to a bar/club and flirting/getting hit on by guys....but what if I don't want her fucking the guy? Maybe I just want her to give him a blowjob or handjob and him to finger or eat her out?

 

Also we were talking and she brought up the point that what if we are out, in Vegas or something partying, and she asked a guy that was hitting on her to fuck her in front of me? She asked me "how would you feel if you were a single guy and a couple came up to you and asked you to fuck his wife while he watched? How would you react?" And honestly I told her that would be awkward. I don't know if that is something that could happen very comfortably and I am almost thinking maybe it is better if she just went out on her own and did it just the 2 of them and then told me about it later?

 

I don't know how this will work?! LOL

 

We have never done this and I don't know what my limits are right now, sometimes I feel I have no limits and other times I feel like just touching or kissing at the most.

 

Any thoughts?

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