Wife says she is too fat to swing

My friend tells me they want to try the lifestyle but his wife says she is too fat and no one would want to play with her. She is short and had a Cesarean delivery which left a deep scar and no muscle tone to her stomach. She has extra pounds she never has lost. I guess she is about 5'4" 180 lbs with nice size breasts. She tells him no one would want her but she would love to try, then back to her usual I'm too ugly and no one would want me.

I have tried to tell him it is not about the body but the feelings. She must not be confident about herself.

He does not know my wife and I have had a few experiences. So not to come right out and give him advice to let him know we have, how does he get her to at least try beings she wants to but feels so bad about herself?

Well, there are all manners of body types in swinging! I would venture, at least from our experience, that a significant majority of swinging women are above "average" body weight. A quick scan of Swing Lifestyle will tell you that. There are a lot of men who desire larger women! As for the scars, they are a part of being human! My wife had incredibly invasive emergency surgery on her intestines a few years back with left her with significant scarring on her abdomen and she has found that no one really cares. In fact, no one even brings it up!

That being said, it sounds like there are issues to be addressed that would preclude an enjoyable swinging lifestyle. As a swinger, you have to be able to take rejection gracefully, and if she's exhibiting these kind of self esteem issues now they will likely get in the way of her being able to just relax and be herself; something that is critical to social liberation in general, and sexual liberation in particular.

He can say "I want you" and if we go out and just the two of us have fun at a party or club, that will be a fantastic night out.

Actually, IMHO, I think swinging would bring MORE self esteem to her. Once she finds out that people just care about WHO she is and not what her "battle injuries" look like, she will internally find herself more sexy and attractive. I agree with the other poster in that many swinging women are a tad larger than what you see in magazines. I think they are more "real".

Now morbidly obese is a far different story. While some may find that attractive, others do not. From what you say, she is far from that. Also there are things she could wear that hide her scars such as a corset or something which she could always leave on.

Food for thought

Your friend tells you they want to try the lifestyle....

They don't know you have had a few experiences...

Are you really certain they don't know?

Let them look at one of the sites to see that swingers are everyday, normal people with weight issues, insecurities, etc. just like everyone else. The only thing stopping them is themselves.

Having said that...there is quite a bit of rejection in the lifestyle. Don't paint the grass too green.

Good luck!!

I am about her height and build and feared (a bit) the same rejection she did. Many men in the lifestyle prefer a more "curvy" woman. I am here to tell you that we get a lot of interest and quite enjoy the lifestyle. It does tend to make you want to change aspects of yourself that you need to work on - i.e. weight loss.

People find you attractive if you are comfortable in your own skin, feel sexy, and project confidence - no matter your size or shape. BUT, she needs to be comfortable with swinging first.

Maybe if you went to a club and she was dressed up all sexy, she'd see there is interest in her. I think it could boost her ego It did mine.

Hello to wife!!!!

Yes, I understand your feelings as I am of the round variety. Although we haven't done a ton of swinging I have relaxed a lot about my body and it has helped my confidence. Doing some MMF's may be helpful as long as it isn't held as 'tit for tat' (hahahahaha)- if you get my drift (as in 'you had 3mmf and now I want 3 ffm's). She will find women she will connect with (not sexually, I just mean she can relax around) and enjoy and that will be helpful too.

I have had back surgery twice and a hip replacement last May. I have scars...

Maybe work on taking some semi-neekid pics of her or have her do them of herself with her phone. I have a few that I took of myself and I actually like them a lot!

There is a movie with Bruce Willis in it where he is in bed with a beautiful French woman who tells him she wants to be fatter and have a 'pot' (tummy). Bruce says NO! But the woman says, 'skinny women are nice to look at but, round women are so good to FEEL'. Nice, huh?

There are far more "plus size" women in the Lifestyle than the Barbie types. I suspect the reason is because they enjoy the freedom to be who they are and the social scene allows them to be comfortable in their own skin.

Might I recommend that you find a meet and greet group and she can judge for herself.

Mr. P was more in the ballpark for how I have felt. I have been a plus sized female. Prior to having the lil one I was 5'7 and 170ish. Now I am 30 pounds heavier. While active in the lifestyle, I really did not find it liberating at all because I'm a heck of a lot larger than most women. The last meet and greet, I was one of the chunkiest women there. I found that the lifestyle made my self esteem issues much worse. This is me. I'm cute but oh so chunky which is an interesting mix in the lifestyle. My vanilla life, I am comfortable, feel good about myself, feel comfortable in my own skin, but my swinger life, I was more stressed about my own appearance, did people like me, am I attractive enough...blah blah blah.

If she tends to be more self conscious, I would highly recommend her steering clear until she feels better about herself. Going to watch can possibly help but she needs to work on the issues within before heading out. That's my two cents. I'm probably in the minority with my opinion about weight but that's the way I felt. I have to say, I don't miss that part of the lifestyle.

Mrs.DontStop was concerned about this. She was a size 16 when we started. She's down to a 12 on most days (you women can understand that). We kicked off our venture into the lifestyle by visiting an on premise club. She said watching the people there in all shapes and sizes, confident and enjoying themselves, was the most liberating experience of her life.

Yes, you will experience rejection. And you'll learn to deal with it if you stay in. Swingers are like a cross-section of the population. All types are represented. Larger women are common enough in the lifestyle to have their own acronym-- BBW, for Big Beautiful Women.

I'm going to try to put my thoughts out here so they make sense, but we'll see if it actually works:

Is the lady in the opening post doing anything to change what she doesn't like about herself, or is she just complaining about it?

The reason I ask is, that there are a lot of people in swinging that are fat and happy. That's perfectly fine, they have a good time, and plenty to play with. It works for them.

If they're fat and unhappy, it's a different story. That attitude projects itself, and it isn't sexy. They aren't pleased with how they look, and it shows.

There was a time a couple years ago where I had put on a lot of weight. I could blame it on work stress, no time to eat right, etc. etc. Fact was, I ate too many Whoppers and saw a box of donuts as a challenge to empty rather than a single infrequent treat of eating one.

It didn't matter that there were a lot of guys that were a lot bigger than I was. I wasn't happy with what I had become. Now, I could have said "Oh well, I'm too fat now. Guess swinging isn't for me anymore". Instead, I told myself to suck it up, get on a low-carb diet, and do something remotely close to physical activity.

I lost the weight, could look down and see my penis again, and once again had a positive attitude about swinging. It wasn't extremely difficult. I just had to remind myself that having a great sex life with my wife, and sharing that sex life with others was more important to me than a skewer of Krispy Kremes washed down with a Java-Chip Frappucino.

So, my point is, she obviously doesn't have to be a model to swing successfully, but she does have to be happy with where she's going with her appearance and shape. She can do something about it, or just complain about it and wonder what could have been.

On a side note; this could just be her excuse to not swing instead of saying "Um, no. I don't want to do that. Find another hobby dear".

So, my point is, she obviously doesn't have to be a model to swing successfully, but she does have to be happy with where she's going with her appearance and shape.

two4youinswva has summed it up best. Both my wife and I had gained a considerable amount of weight over the years. For me, it didn't affect my attitude. As for my wife, she said she didn't feel sexy anymore and it impacted not only her desire to swing, but her desire for sex in general. Both of us have lost the weight now and are doing great.

Just be honest with him and tell him (with your wife's permission) that you guys have had a few experiences and then perhaps arrange a time to have dinner with your wife and both of them. Let the ladies talk, having both another woman and a man there to encourage her and help her feel more confident can go a long way. BUT, as you said, it's not about her size but her feelings. If she's not confident she will not find success and that will only feed her lack of confidence, making it worse.

He hinted the other night again. No I am sure they don't know we play around once in awhile.

I suggested beings they like watching porn, to find a video of a actual swingers event. Then maybe she can see for herself all the differences in people.

I am sure if I disclosed that my wife and I have dabbled in the lifestyle, we would see a lot less of them. They are good friends and we enjoy spending time with them. Would we share with them? I don't know. Our friendship with them is of a different kind. Actually my wife and I have discussed this about them and decided not to approach the subject with them yet.

His wife is very cute and I don't think all that out of shape myself. Yes she has extra pounds and not a "Barbie Doll" type but we would rather have a couple that wants to have fun as a whole and not pressured into it.

My wife is going to feel her out to see if this is his fantasy or if they actually want to try this. I know he does, but does she? That is what we have to find out.

I would steer clear of trying to find a video that would honestly represent a swing club, you won't find one. First off, in "fantasy land", "swinging" is a close runner up to "threesome", so you're bound to find a produced video of people you by and large won't find in a swingers club doing things you're not always going to find happening. I don't think I've ever been to a club where suddenly EVERYONE there stops talking, finds a horizontal surface and proceeds to engage in the Three Steps of Porn (blowjob, cunnilingus, fucking, always in that order). If they really are serious, it's time to do some perving in MeatSpace. Go to a club and mingle. Watch. Stay dressed. Then go home and sleep. Next morning, assess the feelings. Talk. Figure out where the next step is, if there is one.

Honestly, there are a lot of people who talk about swinging, fantasize about swinging, even will open an account on a site like SLS and start corresponding with swingers, but have no intention of actually meeting anyone. This is why you'll find a fair amount of SLS accounts that say, in one way or another, "not interested in endless chat". Though WE don't outright say it, as we don't want to alienate those couples that are genuinely nervous and want to "talk it out" but still want to do this, we are pretty much the same way. If after the third or so email you're not willing to at least go somewhere to meet and talk, we are going to be moving on.

I know this isn't the main topic of this thread but I'm confused. You've got some vanilla friends. They don't know that you are swingers. They have been asking you about swinging. You don't feel safe telling them that you're swingers and you don't want to play with them but you *do* want to help them figure out how to become swingers.

Have I got that right? Why can't you tell them about your own experience? Why is it important to you to get the wife to try this?

Miss Piggy, reread my posts! I didn't say them. I said he! the husband. I don't know if she even knows he has talked to me. I said they are a different type of friends. Just because we are friends does not mean we swing with them. We have friends whom think the lifestyle shouldn't be. That is their right to their opinion.

I Never said we don't want to play with them. We don't just jump at first chances. Maybe they would swing and remain good friends. I don't know YET!

As far as telling them. I am sure they must suspect or he wouldn't be asking me. But then, maybe he is talking for himself and not her. We don't know.

It is NOT important for me to get his wife to try this at all. Like I said, they are a different kind of friend, meaning we haven't and may never swing with them. But we don't want to ruin the relationship we have now with them.

Do you run out and tell everyone you swing? We don't. It is our business.

The whole point is... She thinks no one would want her because of her body. Low Esteem. We don't swing only with model type people.

Hi Playingnow. Thanks for clarifying. I apologize if my questions seemed confrontational. It wasn't my intention at all. I was just thinking that knowing about your experience might help your friend understand what swinging is really about and how it can or can't help his wife with her self esteem issues.

As you've said, not everyone only wants model-types. In fact, many of us prefer the non-models. I feel like the knowledge that other swingers really are just regular people is one side of the equation. The other side has to do with building up one's own self esteem. Your friend can help his wife with this by boosting her up and reminding her of how wonderful she is, but most of the work will be done by his wife. I say this from my own experience. What worked for me was prioritizing things that made me feel good about myself. Such things might include eating well, exercising, knitting, dog walking, photography, singing... Who knows!

To answer your question, we don't tell everyone. However, we do tell when we think it might be beneficial in some way.

All the best to your friend and his wife.

I apologize if my questions seemed confrontational. It wasn't my intention at all.

I don't think it was confrontational Miss Piggy.

I don't know if she even knows he has talked to me.

You said your wife was going to talk to her wife and see if it was a fantasy or if they were just feeling it out in an earlier post. If you don't know if she knows he is talking to you...you may be treading on or close to stepping over the boundaries by approaching the wife. Just my thought.

Do you run out and tell everyone you swing?

No, but then again, no good friends of mine have ever come to me and told me they wanted to have sex with other people. Under those circumstances, I'd be a little more inclined to talk openly because if they do get in the lifestyle...they will find out about us eventually.

Mr. P I agree with you 100% and believe this is his case. He has brought it up a few times most recently the night before last. My wife has a special relationship with his. More like a sister thing. She has not talked to her but has said that her friend's husband has tried to act out his fantasies with her before. She is not so uncomfortable with her body as she is getting involved and then left out.

I see a trust issue here and I can't give him any advice this time. I have tried to decide if his is real, if they are real or if it is just his fantasy.

We both gained weight in the past few years since we started swinging...happily few seem to care and playmates still play with us.

If you can use swinging to motivate weight loss which is healthy, go for it. But don't avoid playing due to your looks. Life is too short for that.

Well we went to the wife's company Christmas party last night. They were there and sat at our table. Things got off the ground early with lots of booze. Suddenly he was interested in dancing with my wife more than I was so I had several opportunities to to talk to his wife.

Beings she had several drinks as did the rest of us and we were sitting there alone, I decided to feel her out. Yes I had several drinks too. She was embarrassed but was willing to talk about swinging. At first it was a fantasy of her husband's and over the years, she too has fantasized about it. Then she told me in a round about way, the same as he was saying. She was too fat and no body would want to play with her. I assured her she was not fat. The fact is, she may have a little fat (Not much) in her belly but not enough to turn anyone off.

Before the end of the night, she admitted to me, she would like to try having sex with another couple and then she told me her husband had suggested us beings we were good friends. She made the comment that she didn't think we were that way but did know we went to a party one time which she knew there were a lot of people there whom swing. So she wasn't sure.

She admitted that she has hinted to my wife several times but my wife's replies left her wondering.

So, After talking to my wife about it, she told me to drop the hint about sharing them.

I took his wife out and danced and while doing so, I told her I would love to have her in bed with us and if they ever decided to give it a try, Give us a call.

She said nothing but she didn't have to as she pressed her body tight against mine and hugged me tight.

I wonder if this will lead to something or if the booze had loosened her up.

It sounds promising to me, Playingnow! Has your wife reported her conversation with the mister while they were dancing?

If y'all get around to playing, I'd suggest keeping the booze to a minimum!

Good luck!

So here we go into another adventure. Unsure how it will unfold but!

My wife told me last night that her friend/co-worker asked her yesterday if we have given any thought to having some fun with each other. My wife says she had to think about what she was asking and finally told her there may be a chance this could happen but!

But what? The two of them agreed if we proceeded with this, there would have to be some way to prevent any damage to their current relationship if something went array.

So obviously they have been talking about us. Now, we have to decide if to proceed or not. My wife says she wouldn't mind playing around with them as it could lead to new adventures with them. But she knows that if something goes wrong, it could lead to not having a good friend anymore.

They are coming over tonight and we plan on discussing with them the "what ifs" and the "how far do you want to goes"

Personally, I am ready to get into her territory as I have been for years. However, I am thinking it should remain as a fantasy. If something doesn't work out, my wife may shy away from enjoying others like this because of it.

UPDATE!!!

Went to my wife's company Christmas party last night. As usual her friend and husband came and sat with us along with others. We were at a local banquet hall and sat at those banquet tables with cloth coverings that hung way down into your laps.

After dinner and many drinks, the lights were turned down and dancing pursued. Sometime throughout the party, her friend came back and sat next to me, my wife on the other side of me. Suddenly I felt a hand grab my cock through my dress slacks. I look over at my wife and she was engaged in talking to the woman on the other side of her. I looked to her friend on the other side and she was looking at me with a cute smile on her face. She was now massaging my manhood through my slacks. I leaned over and whispered in her ear that if she continued, I would have to take her into a closet and give her a present. She whispered in my ear she was hoping we could go back to their house and she could give me a present.

The next thing I knew, her husband was dancing with my wife and I got up to go to the bar for another drink when his wife followed me. She told me she and my wife had talked it over and they were willing to move the party back to their house. I looked over to my wife and her husband dancing and he was wide eye looking at us and had hold of my wife's ass.

So we end up back at their house. Well for now, all I have to say is they need a bigger bed. Will see what the reactions are of last night's party is today and if all goes well. I'll post a story of how and what happened.

Oh yes, I feel better about this situation as his wife is the one whom asked and not him. So I knew it was both of them wanting this and not just him. And no, they still don't know we swing. They only know of last night.

For the 5'4" 180 lb woman ... that is the EXACT type my husband likes. He is absolutely bonkers for a Rubenesque or Zaftig woman. He likes all shapes/sizes, but those particular measurements would definitely get his juices flowing.