First Lifestyle experience (MFM) and a bit conflicted

Sorry in advance...this will be long!

So Mr. Suburbanite and I had our first lifestyle experience by way of a MFM threesome. The guy was great to talk to and answered our questions and made us feel very comfortable. He was a gentleman towards me and very respectful of Mr. Suburbanite. After a great dinner we decided to head back to his hotel room for some play time. I was nervous but mostly excited about what was going to happen. The whole week leading up to this I had been mentally freaking out about how to start things and how to show equal attention to both men. It ended up not being an issue, which was a relief. I had brought a few ice breaker games but they went unused. It ended up that Mr. Suburbanite just came up behind me and started kissing and rubbing me, and the SM came over to join sandwiching me between them. I was pretty quickly undressed and admired by the two of them as I worked on their clothes making sure I was touching each of them in some way (ie. kissing one while touching the other or having one hand on each of them.)

We pretty quickly moved to the bed where more touching and kissing took place and quickly led to me receiving and giving oral at the same time (pretty hot!) Once I was good and ready we went to start with Mr. Suburbanite taking the first round while I performed oral on SM. Well, we had performance issues in that while I was sucking on hubby he was fine, when he went to have sex with me he went limp. Needless to say he got a bit upset but we seemed to correct it with some different positioning and went on. They continued to take turns and gave me multiple orgasms (I even think I squirted a little at one point which was new for me!) It was very fun and everything seemed fine until right at the very end. Mr. Suburbanite took a final turn to try and cum (again apparently, 1st time wasn't very impressive for him and I didn't even know he had until the drive home) and got more aggressive with me than normal (usually like it a bit rough) but not to the point I was being hurt. Then when SM went to finish himself Mr. Suburbanite was practically on top of me kissing very aggressively and almost forcing the SM out of the way. I'm not sure what happened to cause it as he had been fine and I had been checking in with him the whole time.

Anyway, he said he enjoyed the evening but the sex was just OK for him. He seemed fine last night, then something must have snapped overnight as in the morning he was acting very strange toward me and wouldn't touch or even at times look at me. He was still processing things but obviously wasn't happy. We talked tonight and he said he felt like a third wheel the whole night! I don't know what I could have done different (in fact I barely talked at dinner, it was mostly the two guys chatting which was fine) and I made sure to be giving attention to both of them, if not more to my hubby.

I'm just so conflicted right now as I thought we were doing everything right and he said he was fine every time I checked in with him, then to have that bomb dropped on me! I really did have a great time and had hoped he did too. We had wanted to find a unicorn or a nice couple to play with as one of the main reasons for testing these waters was to fulfill my bi-curiousity. We ended up with SM because it was easier to find a match and a MFM had also been a fantasy for both of us. Now I guess we are not entering the lifestlye and I'll never get to fulfill that dream I've had since college. I'm not really sure how I feel about it but I will go along with it because I love me hubby.

Thanks for "listening" to me ramble!

Hi, this is Petra with observations from my point of view. First, you two need to keep in mind that not every experience works out perfectly, especially the first time. Talk with your husband about how to make it better for him and you next time, make adjustments and move on. Two suggestions: maybe next time your husband should go in with the plan just to watch so none of this become a performance contest. In other words make it a serial thing, your husband can have you after your play partner leaves. The other suggestion is not to have hubby there at all, you play alone for a short while then come home to tell him about it. Just suggestions, but from our experience what we do to achieve the best results in our poly and swinging situations is tailored to the psychology of the people and very asymmetric among them. For instance, my bf always wants me "fresh" and hubby doesn't mind sloppy seconds, so that's what we do.

Good luck making it work for both of you. Tell your husband that I (the wife) had problems in the beginning as well, but it is ultimately well worth putting in the work to make non-monogamy in whatever form you two decide to enjoy it, part of your life. Please let us know how it develops.

We men can be very complicated. I would venture it's not you, but feelings within him he didn't know he had and sorely wished he did not have till he actually saw you with another man. Jealousy is an amazing emotion and can hide in places you never knew existed. It can be an amazingly powerful experience to watch your wife enjoying another man, and that power can trip you up.

You saw the experience as the lovely addition of another man to your pleasure, hot, hot, hot. In the moment he saw the experience as you having all those orgasms with another man and he being only on the periphery. The point about an MFM is that it is all about the pleasures of the woman, even though her pleasures are usually contingent upon husband being there and making it a shared pleasure. Yet because it was about the pleasures of you, the woman, it was not a time of orgasmic bliss for him. As the husband, you get to watch your wife's orgasmic bliss from an outside perspective, not an I have two women pleasuring me at the same time perspective.

Dealing with the mismatch between fantasy and the reality of facing such a powerfully emotional experience, reactions can be very difficult for the husband. Especially the first time. He may be seeing your orgasmic bliss as due mostly to the other man, rather than as a result of him being there enabling you to let go into pleasure. Perhaps your next time should be with a couple or a female so that he gets a different perspective of the pleasure you received.

I speak as a husband who has been in many MFM's, who loves them, yet who has at times experienced reactions that later seem ridiculous. But they aren't, they are what was felt, they are normal, and getting past them will at the very least take some time and introspection. The very reason an MFM is so exciting is the reason it can be so overwhelming, especially the first time experienced.

I agree with others. MFM's can be fun, but they can also shake a guy down.

Considering this was your first experience, it's pretty common. He fantasized about seeing you with another man, and when he did, he had some doubts. Performance anxiety was a symptom and that didnt help matters either.

And then after he climaxed, reality set in, and he realized what had happened.

Now is the time you guys talk a lot and see if this is for him and you or not.

Dont consider this a bomb dropping, it's only the next day. Best bet for you is to be supportive. He's probably still thinking about himself going soft, he's probably still thinking about the other guy and how he performed. He's also thinking about how you responded to both guys. And he's conflicted.

What happens sometimes with MFM situations is that the woman inadvertently gives the single male a bit more attention than her hubby. This is not to say you are at fault. The SM is new to you and you might have been more interested simply because he is new to you. A new body to touch, explore, etc.

And of course on the flipside, in a MFM the woman is the focus, not the guys. On top of this, perhaps your hubby felt like he needed to treated as the alpha male.

Communicate, learn and try again.

Thanks for the responses everyone. We have continued to talk and have sorted a lot out. I found out that he didn't like when he was off to the side after a turn. I asked him why he did that instead of coming up to my head for oral fun or making out and he admitted he just didn't think about it. I didn't know he didn't want to be off to the side, I thought he was enjoying the view. We talked again about how communication during play is important as I am obviously not a mind reader and he needs to speak up if he's not OK with something. We had set that as a rule but he didn't follow it that evening. I was pleased to find out that he doesn't want to give up on swinging yet, he just needs a little time and that next time will be with a unicorn or couple. On an up side, we finally had some hot "reclaimation" sex incorporating some new techniques we learned.

An situation involving extra partners , particularly the first time ( overall, particular format, particular people ) can be intense.experience. Even with both of you trying to maintain frequent feedback with each other things can happen faster than the concous mind can process.

Some thing everyone will instantly like , some instantly dislike , some kind of so-so. But you won't know which is which until afterwards. Communicate during , communicate imeadately after , and longer term after.

Presuming that you will be continuing , you will know more about the pacing and activities of MFMs . Or FMF or Couples could end up being up your mutual alley. Just keep up the communication during and after , and reevaluate.

why he did that instead of coming up to my head for oral fun

I admire you. When I get going I can't do oral because it interferes with my gasping!