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Juniper

Total first time - Failure to launch

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My Girlfriend and I joined a popular sex club last night and were really excited for people to watch us in bed. My girl loves the idea of being watched, and I have really been getting off on the idea. We started off with a stiff drink just to loosen up a little since this would be our very first outing of this kind!

 

Our first little event was in the empty couples lounge where I went down on her for a good 20 minutes or so. She was nervous at first, and kept her eyes closed in case someone came in and watched. She really loved it though and came so many times. She then went down on me, but we both knew ahead of time that she wouldn't make me come just yet - she wanted to save it for sex a little later just in case I had trouble going for a second round. She got me semi-hard, but I knew when I was going down on her that there was a problem. Normally I get rock hard when I eat her, and I cant help myself but rub it over her wet lips and clit and start fucking. I could tell she was concerned that I was only semi-hard, and that's when the downward spiral of performance anxiety began.

 

I am all too familiar with this anxiety as it has happened four times now in our 1.5 year relationship. After a failure to launch, a week (or a few weeks) of trouble follows until eventually it isn't a problem anymore and my confidence returns. I'm not sure but I think this stems from my first sexual relationship (I've only had two total) where I was really intimidated by my much experienced partner, and she put a lot of stress on me to perform.

 

We got dressed and she had another drink. I refrained both because I was driving, and because I didn't want to impair myself any further. After the drink, we went upstairs into one of the single rooms and we left the window and door open for voyers. I went down on her again, and a small crowd of 4-6 people grew outside the door and a couple guys entered the room to watch. This was hot to me! I really enjoyed people watching, and especially seeing a guy so aroused that he had pulled his cock out to stroke it to the rythym of my girls bucking hips. Unfortunately my own member was nothing but a silly flaccid thing. A while into this session, my girl was visibly frustrated and said "stop fucking thinging about it". Of course that didn't help, and she knew it. But I can't blame her for being disappointed. It is a sex club afterall.

 

Sadly we had to give up, but were still complimented on how sexy the show was when I was going down on her. Every time this happens she can't help but think that it is somehow her fault when in reality, she is the sexiest woman on earth to me! I understand how she feels, but she has a very hard time understanding why a 26 year old should ever have problems like this with the 21 year old girl he loves.

 

We shouldn't have forced it, but we both really wanted to make this happen and the slaps and moans from around the club made us both jealous of the great sex everyone was having. We entered the couples lounge again, and the whole cycle repeated. I made the mistake of switching between watching my girl try to bring me to erection orally and watching our neighbors fuck gloriously. This was my final mistake, as my girl felt humiliated that she couldn't get me hard and I was looking to another sexy couple for inspiration. I was simply imagining that the other couple was the two of us making passionate love, and that every thrust was my own, but my girl saw her small waist and breasts and blonde hair and felt hideous herself.

 

We left the club in a terrible mood, and my girl cried uncontrollably. We argued through the night and she said a lot of hurtful things in her frustration. We got about 2 hours of sleep before waking up for work this morning. Fortunately, I was rock hard when I woke, and we had a groggy quicky before she left for work. This morning she is much more reasonable, and feels terrible for all the things she said last night.

 

We are going to try this again on Friday, but without any expectations. Hopefully this time I will be more comfortable, and able to perform. We will start off in a more intimate setting for starters, instead of jumping right into having people watching us from a few feet away, and take it from there.

 

I don't know what I can do to reassure her that this has nothing to do with how sexy she is or how good she is in bed. Whenever something like this happens, she really feels terrible, and ugly. Of course this makes me feel terrible for making her feel that way, and angry that she still hasn't learned to be more sensitive about the situation.

 

I'm not sure what I expected from posting this, but I felt like I needed to share my experience. Maybe others have had somewhat similar issues at some point? I realize performance anxiety is perfectly normal, especially when you're actually on stage haha... And I just need to relax, and try not to worry about what may or may not happen down under. Instead focus on the passion my woman and I have for each other.

 

Any advice or similar experiences shared would be much appreciated! Thanks for reading :)

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Update - My girl feels really bad about how she reacted yesterday. Instead of waiting until Friday we are going again tonight, then Friday night as well. We are going with no expectations and knowing full well that we may do nothing more than me happily going down on her bringing forth screams of pleasure. We're going to keep it up until I get over it, and I have a feeling she'll be a bit more understanding if it happens again tonight.

 

A big part of the problem last night was jealousy... she hated so much that I was looking at other couples. It made her feel like she wasn't enough. We're hoping that we will get a third person involved tonight to simply lick and suck her nipples. I think this will help her self esteem seeing another man (or woman) getting excited over her body.

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What happened to you, even for a 26...or even 18 year old...is perfectly normal, and common. The reality is we're not brought up thinking about how hot and sexy group sex situations are. Our fantasies tend to focus very strongly on 1:1 encounters. It can be unnerving to be attempting to perform sexually in front of other people. Quite a number of first time swingers experience EXACTLY what you experienced. It happened to me too, and now there's no problems.

 

Fear not. As you get more comfortable with swinging, this will almost certainly pass.

 

A big part of the problem last night was jealousy... she hated so much that I was looking at other couples. It made her feel like she wasn't enough.

 

The argument you had subsequent to your first visit is not good. Jealousy I can see, but the argument...not so much. Please make sure both of you are on the same page, calm, and focused on your love for each other before going again.

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The argument you had subsequent to your first visit is not good. Jealousy I can see, but the argument...not so much. Please make sure both of you are on the same page, calm, and focused on your love for each other before going again.

 

Thanks barnsworth! I totally agree with you here - the argument was incredibly one sided and hurtful. We have talked a lot about it this morning though, and she feels so bad for the way she reacted. We are still giving it a shot tonight, but now I know that I need to be sensitive to her needs and focus on her when we're together, not whats going on in the next bed over - no matter what is going on down below. I shouldn't need inspiration from the neighbors! If she can't get me up, nothing will :)

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I don't have an easy way to get ahold of any viagra, but that would sure save the day wouldn't it! haha

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I don't have an easy way to get ahold of any viagra, but that would sure save the day wouldn't it! haha

 

Just go to the doctor and explain that you are having trouble keeping an erection sometimes. It is ridiculous how easy it is to get a prescription for ED drugs. Just mention it and your doctor will almost certainly give you one. I was frank with my doctor in that I knew it was a mental thing and I wanted to try something to have as a backup plan to ease my mind about it. She did a couple of tests (blood pressure etc.) and gave me the prescription.

 

It's not cheap though. My drug plan doesn't cover them.

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Yeah, neither does mine. The first time I had this problem I saw a doc about it and they prescribed levitra. Freaking expensive for a pill whose only purpose is to help defeat a cruel mind game. I might just try it again though... I have $1200 available in my FSA and nothing to spend it on yet haha

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Yeah, neither does mine. The first time I had this problem I saw a doc about it and they prescribed levitra. Freaking expensive for a pill whose only purpose is to help defeat a cruel mind game. I might just try it again though... I have $1200 available in my FSA and nothing to spend it on yet haha

 

Hah. Yeah I almost never use them, but I like to have one there if I ever feel worried about it. Just some peace of mind to try and remove some of that potential stress.

 

Make sure you come back and let us know how it goes this weekend. Whether things go perfectly or not.

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Juniper, my hubby and I are new to this whole scene as well. If you read our introduction and our few posts so far, you will see that we've only been to the club once and are looking forward to our next visit soon! However, know that performance anxiety or failure to launch is common at any age, as I have read on many FAQ's from other sites before we decided to make the leap to try a club.

 

However, I too made the same mistake your girl made and therefore, I understand her feelings. We knew and discussed ahead of time that my hubby's nerves might get in the way, and when they did, I too began to feel like it was my fault...as he wasn't turned on enough or something because I too was nervous. I don't even remember what I said, but I know I made a condescending comment to him at one point, which hurt his feelings. Yes, I apologized for it and we did have great sex in a private room at the club and when we got home!

 

The lesson we learned that night is to "just go with the flow" with things between us and enjoy what we can enjoy.... even if all we do is make out in front of others and he just brings me to the brink of pleasure with his fingers and orally. He may or may not get hard enough to take things further in front of people, but I know and trust now that it doesn't mean he's not enjoying or turned on by what we're doing. He really is having a great time seeing me and his nerves will relax as time progresses I'm sure. He just doesn't want to be embarrassed by it and I don't want to embarrass him either. And as our one time showed, we sure have some hot sex after it all. I mean, we played in the car the entire hour and half drive home and then immediately jumped each other madly as soon as we got home!

 

Live, learn, and enjoy! :kissface:

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Wow, thank you so much for that post! I'm glad you two were able to turn it around that night and have a great finale :D Our night was miserable, but I think we both learned a bit about each other and I feel like the next time will be much better

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Yes, I can relate that that my body had all the feelings and sensation of being fully erect but I wasn't. I was actually wondering if it isn't something akin to the overheating of an engine. Maybe it is a matter of being too stimulated. Maybe it just requires time to assimilate into the environment and it will improve as the comfort level improves. Due to mother nature and other concerns, we can't try again for a couple of more weeks. But we have picked out our dates for April & May based on the themes of our club on those dates and we are looking forward to trying it again.

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Yes' date=' I can relate that that my body had all the feelings and sensation of being fully erect but I wasn't. I was actually wondering if it isn't something akin to the overheating of an engine. Maybe it is a matter of being too stimulated. Maybe it just requires time to assimilate into the environment and it will improve as the comfort level improves. Due to mother nature and other concerns, we can't try again for a couple of more weeks. But we have picked out our dates for April & May based on the themes of our club on those dates and we are looking forward to trying it again.[/quote']

 

You know I was thinking the same thing... there's this phenomena in skydiving and many other high adrenaline sports called sensory overload. Basically you are totally with it, but you don't actually SEE anything at all. There's just too much to observe, too many sensations going on at once. Similar maybe to your overheating engine idea.

 

I have no doubt that a little more practice and a lot of patience will lead to heavy rewards :)

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I need to be sensitive to her needs and focus on her when we're together, not whats going on in the next bed over - no matter what is going on down below. I shouldn't need inspiration from the neighbors! If she can't get me up, nothing will :)

 

Hmm.

 

I'm having trouble with this. I was having a bit of trouble with it in the initial post, but this really clarifies it.

 

When you go into a group sex scene, you're going to see a lot of things you wouldn't normally see. You're going to hear a lot of things you wouldn't normally hear. So, you're playing with your SO, and you see something that sparks your interest. I don't think it's insulting to your SO to look and think "Wow! That's hot!" It can certainly add to what your experiencing with your SO.

 

Certainly there's a line somewhere to be crossed. If all you do is focus on what other people are doing to the exclusion of her, you're waaay past the line. But, if you're resolute in not looking at anyone else while you're with your SO, you're waaaay too far away from the line. There's a balance in there somewhere.

 

Women who are new to swinging are frequently very self conscious of their looks and feel inadequate. Perfectly understandable. Drooling over someone else than her isn't doing her any favors. That said, you getting mentally derailed watching some other woman having her way with two men at once is also perfectly understandable. It doesn't make you a sleezeball if you do get derailed by something like that.

 

Make sure your SO knows she's loved, and regardless of what you think/do/see/hear, she's #1. In a swinger setting she can't be #1 and the ONLY one. But, you can make it clear she's still #1 always.

 

One of the benefits of swinging is the enjoyment of other's pleasure. It shouldn't be at the expense of your SO, but neither should it be surprising that you take delight in some others enjoying themselves.

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I love your honest and thorough responses :) Yes, my girl is very insecure about herself, and she has often said she doesn't deserve me which is total BS and I tell her every time. She has NEVER had any guy show interest in her other than me - I was her first EVERYTHING. But not because she's unattractive, she just never knew how to flirt or socialize very well, and was very closed off to others most of her life thanks to her abusive upbringing.

 

This is all to say that I totally agree that she is unreasonable if she never expects me to enjoy looking at what else is going on in the club. For now though, I need to be sensitive to her needs and if she can't get used to the idea of us enjoying the show others are putting on, then swinging is not for us and we won't be renewing our membership :)

 

Tonight however, we are experimenting with a cute half-korean girl who remembers us going down on each other early in the evening and she is totally hot for my girl (And so is her guy). I am loving what this is doing for my girls self esteem so far, and it has only been one night!

 

 

Edited to add:

 

I should note that at first last night was terrible for her self image. But by morning she realized how terrible she reacted and was so sorry for it. She knows it has nothing to do with her, and that I am not abnormal for not getting a rise my first time. After this afternoon and some of the responses we are getting in the club chatroom, she is totally psyched and is feeling so good about herself because finally she knows that people besides me want to fuck her haha

I have heard that swinging can magnify problems in a relationship, and last night was a true test. I am positive she has it out of her system, and we're stronger than we were before last night so I'm feeling good about tonight.

 

I will definitely post an update tomorrow :D

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My husband has had the same experience. His brain doesn't feel nervous, but other parts of him clearly do. He does take Levitra (gets it online much cheaper) but even with that he still can't get hard if anyone but me is in the room, so far. We are hoping that this resolves with some repeated exposure. He feels turned on, he LOVES seeing me with someone else and he loves pleasing another woman. So even though the medication helps with "normal" ED, anxiety can still get in the way.

 

I understand that this is a very, very common issue for men in the lifestyle. I also understand how women can take it personally, even though it is NOT about them.

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