Wife thinks it's my turn

Hi guys, this is my first post... be gentle

Quite a few months back, my wife went out with a friend to go clubbing, and bring a guy back to a hotel room with them. All was arranged beforehand between the three of us, and as we had never done anything like this before, I asked her friend (whom we had had threesomes with before) to protect my wife, and bring the guy back together. Though it didn't happen as I had suggested, our friend kept my wife safe, and found her a fun playmate for the night, both kept me in the loop via texts, and a fun time was had by all... I must have cum three or four times just wondering what they were doing at any given time!

Months have gone by, and I suggested to my wife that she go out and do it again, but she is quite adamant that it is my turn for a one night stand. Though I have no problem with this in theory, here is my concern:

I was no good at picking up women before I was married, and now that I haven't been trying to score in over five years (except in swinging environments), I am wondering where to start. Where is the best place to pick up a woman for a one night stand? Do I wear my wedding band, or take it off? What else do I need to consider? Help? Anyone?

It is going to be a challenge for you as a male going solo, no matter your pickup talents. That's just the way it is.

I think that staying honest is the only way to go. So, don't remove your ring. If you are asked about it, tell the truth. It is going to freak out some folks, as they can't wrap their head around an open marriage situation. As far as how to work it as a single man, I'm afraid I am not much help with this. We work as a team, and rely on each other to make a connection.

Can I ask you why the two of you are going to regular clubs, and not a swing club? There appears to be an active club in Calgary, with a nice website, and an event this coming weekend. Calgary Adult Playground Club

I'd think the two of you would be more successful in this venue.

Good luck!

I have a similar situation with my girlfriend wanting me to have my turn. We go to a club each week where she normally plays with a number of men with me present and enjoying every minute of it. She wants the roles reversed to have a FMF or more for me. Even in a swing club I suck at picking up women. Being a soft-spoken introverted male only accentuates my difficulty. I'm cordial and pleasant to all I meet but I don't seem to have that certain something that makes a woman/couple view me as a fun play partner. Sorry that I don't have any advice to give. Just know that you're not alone in your development in the lifestyle.

We're in sort of the same situation as well. All I can say is: best of luck! It is SO much easier for women in the lifestyle than it is for men. There's no comparison. At all.

I sucked at picking up women as a single guy, and it's not like I've had a lot of practice over the past 20 years, so whatever "skills" I ever owned in that area have only further eroded since then!

Re. the wedding ring question, there is a very interesting thread somewhere on this board that debates whether married guys playing separately are better off wearing the ring and "pretending" to be cheating on their wives. The consensus seems to be that women prefer married men who are cheating to those who are in open marriages.

Quote

"Can I ask you why the two of you are going to regular clubs, and not a swing club?"

We actually are members of Calgary Adult Playground Club, but this is an experience that seems like it suits a regular club more than our swinging hang out. I think my wife almost thinks of this as a game in being successful in picking up a stranger, though I think the odds are stacked in her favor. It seems like it would be cheating to go to CAPC with this (in the game, not my wife).

We actually are members of Calgary Adult Playground Club, but this is an experience that seems like it suits a regular club more than our swinging hang out. I think my wife almost thinks of this as a game in being successful in picking up a stranger, though I think the odds are stacked in her favor. It seems like it would be cheating to go to CAPC with this (in the game, not my wife).

Gotcha. I see where you're coming from. Thanks for the clarification.

Susan here:

If a woman yells out loud in a bar," I'm married and who wants to take me to a hotel and fuck me ?" there will be a stampede.

If a man yells out loud in a bar,"I'm married and who wants to come to my hotel room and fuck ?" you will hear crickets.

Although we might like to oblige, as men we just can't compete in that way. Seems to be common knowledge. Makes me wonder why some women would even raise the issue. There might be some other issues at work here.

Susan here:

 

If a woman yells out loud in a bar," I'm married and who wants to take me to a hotel and fuck me ?" there will be a stampede.

 

If a man yells out loud in a bar,"I'm married and who wants to come to my hotel room and fuck ?" you will hear crickets.

Truer words were never written

There is one element to the OP, that has been escaping the topics folks..

Guys, if you were out at a club or bar, or pub or hell a supermarket, and had a chance to go back to a HOTEL room with TWO women, would you refuse?

The idea of it being your turn for a one night stand is a great in theory, but reality is, the same as in a swinging situation, Women hold all the cards.. Unless you are smooth, and a Brad Pitt stand in, its not a "sure thing"

Besides which as I was pointing to, Your wife went out with a "wingman"

I was no good at picking up women before I was married, and now that I haven't been trying to score in over five years (except in swinging environments), I am wondering where to start.

I'd be willing to bet good money most of the guys on this board sucked royally at picking up women in their single days, MYSELF INCLUDED. I have a personal theory that most of the married men in the lifestyle are the stereotypical "nice guys" that didn't hit on women much and often dated women legitimately and married them as opposed to just skirt chasing and picking up women in bars etc.

In other words as counterintuitive as it sounds, the last people to be giving out advice on picking up women is male swingers Seriously, if I were to reenter the dating market or try to pick up chicks on my own, I would fall flat on my face. In a swingers club my wife and I often do fine but on my own, I'd probably get laughed out of a vanilla meet-market bar.

Do you have any vanilla friends that are lady's men or are good pick-up artists? they may be able to show you some of the best places and be a coach for you on how to look and act to pick up chicks.

While it seems wrong in so many ways, I guess I am of the theory that most of the time a guy would be more successful if he were pretending to be single or even cheating. There was even a post on another thread where someone said that he knew single guys that would buy fake wedding rings in pawn shops because they had better luck pretending to be married cheaters than single guys.

Women get hit on all the time by single guys and cheaters and depending on their mood they will either take them up on the offer or not. But a guy who admits he's married and says his wife is OK with it freaks a lot of people out.

I don't know if that is a sad testimony on the men of the world or the women of the world but it sure doesn't seem right.

It was touched upon two posts up... you need a "wingman"... and that person is your wife.

You will increase your chances 500% at least. Go for it!

JandT_Elkhart said:

It was touched upon two posts up... you need a "wingman"... and that person is your wife.

 

You will increase your chances 500% at least. Go for it!

Good point. Swinging is supposed to be a team sport; at least in our household it is.

I'd be willing to bet good money most of the guys on this board sucked royally at picking up women in their single days, MYSELF INCLUDED. I have a personal theory that most of the married men in the lifestyle are the stereotypical "nice guys" that didn't hit on women much and often dated women legitimately and married them as opposed to just skirt chasing and picking up women in bars etc.

Maybe it's some kind of karmic reward for being "nice guys"!

I meant that tongue-in-cheek, but I actually think there's some truth to it, too. One of the foundations of successful swinging is a relationship with a solid foundation of trust, which I think would only be helped by being a nice guy. If your wife thinks you might cheat, bye-bye trust...

As for the original post, I'm going to agree with others here and say that you'll probably be much more successful if your wife helps find someone for you. I say this having no actual swinging experience (yet), but just based on what I've read and what I know about human behavior I think if she helped, you would not only have an easier time finding someone, but also probably a better experience, too. You wouldn't have to worry about ring/no ring, what the other woman may be expecting further down the road, etc. Since you're new to swinging, having your wife's assistance may also ease any unexpected jitters that may arise because the person you're playing with would clearly have your wife's official stamp of approval.

Plus, I bet it would be more fun to have your wife as your "wingwoman". I know it would be for me! It's always fun for us when we talk about who we find attractive.

Mr.GeekChic said:

Maybe it's some kind of karmic reward for being "nice guys"!

 

[i think if she helped, you would not only have an easier time finding someone, but also probably a better experience, too. You wouldn't have to worry about ring/no ring, what the other woman may be expecting further down the road, etc. Since you're new to swinging, having your wife's assistance may also ease any unexpected jitters that may arise because the person you're playing with would clearly have your wife's official stamp of approval. ]

Taking my wife as wingwoman kinda defeats the purpose of this experience.

Maybe it would for you, depending on what you and your wife are looking to get out of it. However, different people want different things out of an experience like this, and it seems like a lot of the fun for swingers in general is going out together and finding partners. So that's another reason why you're going to get a lot of advice here that suggests including your wife in the pick-up process. If you were going to a different kind of forum, you'd probably get different advice.

If the experience you're looking for is to go out as a single man or a married man looking to cheat in a one night stand, then yes, taking your wife along would defeat the purpose.

Whatever line I use after that, the woman in question would be trying to take home a married man, therefore the morals of telling the truth don't really matter in my mind.

...

SNIP

...

If the woman knows it's a one nighter, whatever I tell her to get her into bed beyond my initial honesty about the situation between us, is really a little white lie, which can't hurt her. Am I right?

I can't tell you what's right or wrong (that's between you, your wife, and your conscience), but I will say that I think you're incorrect when you think that the lie can't hurt the other woman. You can't know how someone will react to being lied to, especially when it comes to sex. You may think that it shouldn't hurt her, but that doesn't mean it won't.

It's not my place to tell people whether their actions are morally justified, and clearly you and your wife are looking for different experiences than my wife and I, but there is a reason for the saying "two wrongs don't make a right". If you present yourself as a married man looking for a one night stand and she goes for it, that doesn't mean that because she did something morally suspect that she'll excuse you for lying. Your conscience may feel clear because you see it as justified, but there is the chance that she could find out and then you may have to deal with the consequences. And if you present yourself as a single man looking for a one night stand and she goes for it, then the moral question is entirely on you.

Personally, I wouldn't lie in order to have sex. Not only is it risky, but for me, any fruit gained through deceit is bittered by the taste of dishonesty. I couldn't enjoy the experience knowing that I had lied to get it. Again, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life (I've had enough of that myself), I'm just throwing out things to consider.

Hi guys, this is my first post... be gentle

 

Quite a few months back, my wife went out with a friend to go clubbing, and bring a guy back to a hotel room with them. All was arranged before hand between the three of us, and as we had never done anything like this before, I asked her friend (whom we had had threesomes with before) to protect my wife, and bring the guy back together. Though it didn't happen as I had suggested, our friend kept my wife safe, and found her a fun playmate for the night, both kept me in the loop via texts, and a fun time was had by all... I must have cum three or four times just wondering what they were doing at any given time!

 

Months have gone by, and I suggested to my wife that she go out and do it again, but she is quite adamant that it is my turn for a one night stand. Though I have no problem with this in theory, here is my concern:

 

I was no good at picking up women before I was married, and now that I haven't been trying to score in over five years (except in swinging environments), I am wondering where to start. Where is the best place to pick up a woman for a one night stand? Do I wear my wedding band, or take it off? What else do I need to consider? Help? Anyone?

Good luck...I am with you, I was never good at the bar seen. May I suggest go to a swing club, you probably will have a much better chase as opposed to a regular, vanilla bar.

Unfortunately I don't have much to offer on this. My wife will play with women on her own sometimes (She loves her girls ), but neither of us have any interest in playing with the opposite sex alone.

It occurs to me that mankind can think of all sorts of horse shit excuses for his less-than-honorable behavior. I guess that's why we have wars and divorces.

I have come to believe that when someone claims there are 'no strings attached' it's because they've been made into a 'web'.

--Susan

Maybe it's some kind of karmic reward for being "nice guys"!

 

I meant that tongue-in-cheek, but I actually think there's some truth to it, too. One of the foundations of successful swinging is a relationship with a solid foundation of trust, which I think would only be helped by being a nice guy. If your wife thinks you might cheat, bye-bye trust...

 

As for the original post, I'm going to agree with others here and say that you'll probably be much more successful if your wife helps find someone for you. I say this having no actual swinging experience (yet), but just based on what I've read and what I know about human behavior I think if she helped, you would not only have an easier time finding someone, but also probably a better experience, too. You wouldn't have to worry about ring/no ring, what the other woman may be expecting further down the road, etc. Since you're new to swinging, having your wife's assistance may also ease any unexpected jitters that may arise because the person you're playing with would clearly have your wife's official stamp of approval.

 

Plus, I bet it would be more fun to have your wife as your "wingwoman". I know it would be for me! It's always fun for us when we talk about who we find attractive.

Truth. This is the exact way I feel. I have a beautiful girlfriend of many years, even though I was quite overweight when I met her (lost a lot since though....the sex just keeps getting better the more pounds I lose )

Now, she tells me she wants to try swinging ONLY when we are together and ONLY when we both have partners!? Jesus, this just keeps getting better and better

Yeah, good luck. If you aren't stunningly hot, a movie star stand in, or absurdly wealthy, it's going to take a while. And the reason I put those requirements in isn't because those make it happen all the time. No, the reason is because having one or more of those "assets" will allow you to bypass most of the early stages and get down to business quicker.

Now if you are truly gifted, you can read people really well and probably can pick most of the "open" ones out from the start, basically meaning you have a higher percentage shot. Guys with that innate ability are rare though.

The real killer for a typical single guy though is time. You have to assess the potential candidates, and start talking with them pretty much one at a time. Then, you have to figure out early on if they are bothered by your married status, and if they meet that guideline, you still have to figure out if they want to hit the sack that night.

That all takes time, and time is your enemy.

Women can quickly bypass most of that just by going straight to the juggler and starting the sex triggers. Almost no guy would ever yell out "hey this chic just touched me!" in disgust, whereas many gals would do so if a guy did. And if those words come out loudly enough, your chances at that location are ruined.

IMO the best bet for a guy would be online, or by having your wife help with it.

At the risk of violating the seemingly commandment of though shall not cheat (after all you are likely to pick up a cheating wife) I'll give you my opinion. Leave the wedding band on. Particularly if you have a white mark left on your finger when you remove it.

Taking it off and having the mark on that finger is a sure disaster warning to the woman. They seem to have radar.

There are women that cruise the hotel bars too. Most don't like the club scene. Hotels are quieter and they may be staying there and are a little lonely to boot. Many feel safer playing with a married man. I suppose that there is logic to that? Many feel that married men are better on a one-nighter because they are sexually frustrated and ready to burst. Really you say...absolutely I say, and they tend to be right...big time.

I personally hate being safe...and sexually frustrated.

High class hotel bars in the cities are usually a good place to hunt sometime after 9 p.m. As many business women travel as men these days. They are also as open and forward as men.

Look for ones with live entertainment also. Lots of unescorted ladies there staying over for the night.

Personally I do best when they pick me up. My lines are lousy. Personally the only thing that works for me is saying "Hi" and giving a smile...a kind of a sad smile. Make sure you turn on your "love light". Women see it. It's invisible to you but they have a sixth sense about it. It's telling her you are available. Maybe she will respond?

The line about your "wife sent you out to pick up a single woman for a FMF" is a pretty good one. Try it. Let is sit with her and she might get curious and start a discussion about the subject? It will probably cost you a few drinks of Merlot , but that is pretty good stuff to pass the time with anyway?

Personally I think that some how the ladies are best at bringing back another woman for a three way but they will probably tell you they get shot down a lot too.

Oh. Being in a notorious party town helps a lot too. Don't get all bummed out and say that you live in the sticks. The list of party towns is very long and the "burbs" around the big ones like New York can be pretty hot as well.

The Rye Town Hilton in White Plains, NY, for instance is notorious for hooking up. You have to invest time there. It isn't wham-bam, thank you maam. You need to like the night life or better put, not minding staying up all night even though you have to work the next day.

These also tend to be older crowds too. Personally I wouldn't invest too much time in the 20 something secretarial pool...although some of the college crowd is pretty forward.

Just my two cents worth. Hope it helps.

Susan here:

 

If a woman yells out loud in a bar," I'm married and who wants to take me to a hotel and fuck me ?" there will be a stampede.

 

If a man yells out loud in a bar,"I'm married and who wants to come to my hotel room and fuck ?" you will hear crickets.

Number 1, most true reply to this thread, for sure.

Spike and kris

Mr.GeekChic said:

Maybe it's some kind of karmic reward for being "nice guys"!

 

I meant that tongue-in-cheek, but I actually think there's some truth to it, too. One of the foundations of successful swinging is a relationship with a solid foundation of trust, which I think would only be helped by being a nice guy. If your wife thinks you might cheat, bye-bye trust...

 

As for the original post, I'm going to agree with others here and say that you'll probably be much more successful if your wife helps find someone for you. I say this having no actual swinging experience (yet), but just based on what I've read and what I know about human behavior I think if she helped, you would not only have an easier time finding someone, but also probably a better experience, too. You wouldn't have to worry about ring/no ring, what the other woman may be expecting further down the road, etc. Since you're new to swinging, having your wife's assistance may also ease any unexpected jitters that may arise because the person you're playing with would clearly have your wife's official stamp of approval.

 

Plus, I bet it would be more fun to have your wife as your "wingwoman". I know it would be for me! It's always fun for us when we talk about who we find attractive.

The absolute #1 best advice on any thread I have read.

Working on a Blog post to explain more later.

Number 1, most true reply to this thread, for sure.

 

Spike and kris

It's a fun axiom, but I don't think it actually holds much truth. When women are sexually aggressive like that men actually wilt. I've seen guys with lots of bravado turn down attractive women who were being overtly sexual. Women bluntly asking them to go home and fuck them.

I think women going up to random guys and asking them to go fuck would have marginally better success than men doing the same thing. There have been a few interesting sociological studies along those lines.