A few bad experiences in a row...

Hubby and I started swinging just before New Years. We met a really hot couple, (didnt appreciate their hotness at the time until we had to keep searching all over for their comp, lol). I had a great time that night, hubby did not have as good of a time (had some embarrassing issues related to getting things UP & happy). That time we drank a lot, and even the other female half ended up getting sick, and we played anyhow. Hubby later said he wanted to leave at that moment (when she got sick). We learned a lot that night. But, i had a amazing exp.

2nd time we met a young, unmd cpl, and our plan was not to do anything on the first meet except drinks, b/c of our 1st exp. Well, hubby got too drunk to drive that time and we asked if we could go back to their place (in the city, walking distance from bar). We were watching a movie and sobering up, when hubby whispers in my ear "if you find him attractive, put your hand on his leg".. so i made the moves on the guy. The guy whispers into the g/f ear, and they run off to the bedroom telling us to come along. (mind you there are 3 other roommates in their small apt!). So, we did, but hubby was very hesitant. He (we later found out he pulled a muscle due to heavy weight lifting) again could not get things happy. He was embarrassed, and I did things that night that i wasn't proud of either. again, too much drinking.

We met another cpl for drinks/dinner, but we did not like them, and felt zero connection. So, bravo for us for just doing drinks and calling it a night.

Our last experience topped all of these!!!

We met a younger couple half way for drinks... we found them to be less attractive in person then we had wished, but they got "cuter" as the night went on. The female half was very bi, very aggressive. We had some fun at the bar (her and I), and we decided (us drunk girls) that we should go back to their place for some more fun. So, we did... and things went from OK to bad/worse very fast. We had some snacks, and were standing in the kitchen (i suspect they might have also done some drugs) when suddenly the male half fell to the floor having a seizure! My hubby sprang into action, and I was nervous and called 911, but then hung up when i saw him quickly regain consciousness. Well... then the cops show up at 2am, and i do mean 5-6 of them, followed by an interrogation, (my hubby was thrown against the wall and frisked!). EMS came and checked the male half out, who appeared to have very elevated blood pressure/heart beat. We left soon after w/ very mixed feelings. This couple called us back to update that he is fine, and doctor said it was a "freak" thing. He also emailed us and in both messages said they "cant wait to get together again"! Well, we have no interest in seeing them again. And, are not sure how to express that. They are going away w/ another couple so we have some time to think about it.

Needless to say- WTF are we doing wrong here? Too much alcohol? Poor choice in couples? Moving too fast? Poor communication between hubby and I?

We have been auditing ourselves as we go along, and as crazy as these nights have been, we are now looking more locally, for couples who are more reserved as we are (at least socially in public), and we are limiting our drinks to 2 on 1st dates so we stick w/ our guns about "just having drinks" rule, at least until we have a good experience.

We are meeting 2 more couples this week. 1 i have been chatting w/ for a while, and they are very cool, very responsible have kids, and very careful. I hope we hit it off w/ them.

2nd cpl is local as well, older, new but also have kids and seem like fun, but not too insane like what weve been dealing with.

Hubby and I really want this to work, LOL! Im sure i will get a good tongue thrashing by some of you experienced w/ this, and Im sure to an extent, we deserve it.

NYFunCpl,

Well, I think that you answered your own question. Yes, too much alcohol. It is ok to have drinks, but not to the point that it interferes with either your judgment or performance. Same thing with your partners.

S

Needless to say- WTF are we doing wrong here? Too much alcohol? Poor choice in couples? Moving too fast? Poor communication between hubby and I?

Answer... all the above! Number one thing is too much alcohol. You cant make an informed decision if your plastered, also too much alcohol even if its one drink can have an effect on getting "up and happy"..

With the last couple who got "cuter" as the night went on...well too much alcohol can make anyone look better! Second issue is not listening to or seeing the flags that are flying with at least two of the couples you have meet. Third problem not following your rules.

As far as the last couple, I would not hesitate to say thanks but no thanks! No need to explain it to them, you dont owe them anything.

With the two couples that you are chatting with, they sound a little more stable... Take your time, meet these couples and have no expections.

Good luck!

I would if I were you two is to start your meets in a place that for one doesn't serve alcohol. We tend to make first meets a coffee house or donut shop, if weather permits a local park, here in Canada I tend to believe that 25% of the customers sitting in a Tim Hortons coffee shop are swingers.

As for the alcohol and getting it up, its not incommon for the male half in new swingers to have performance issues, most males won't admit it but it is very common, regardless of if alchohol is consumed or not. Sleeping with someone other than your partner although easy to discuss and seems very simple, can, when it comes down to it, be very hard to do.

One thing we have learned in swinging is that there is never a rush. You don't need to run out and meet every couple you can. Take you time to choose what you want and don't be afraid to say no. Make your choices when you are sober or close to it. If you found the couple to not be attractive to you, then signal your SO early about that so the evening can come to a close without playing.

And yes, you are drinking too much and that is contributing to your bad experiences. You have realized this, but I (guy half) learned that more than 2 drinks in short amount of time impacts my performance (I'm 50). So i spread them out through the night and I am also the driver on the way home so I need to be ready for that. If you need some alcohol to loosen up, that's fine..just pace yourselves

here in Canada I tend to believe that 25% of the customers sitting in a Tim Hortons coffee shop are swingers.

LOL... I NEVER walk into a Timmie's anymore without looking around and wondering....

You two need to make a choice.

Lay off the Swinging or back off the drinking.

The two are not mixing well with you guys.

Piggy back / ditto what's been said already.

The #1 problem here is alcohol impairing quite a number of things, setting yourself up for disaster every time. If you need alcohol to the point of being drunk to swing, you're not ready to swing. And, as others have said, for your husband it will have an impact on his performance ability.

Swinging isn't a race. Slow down, find the right couple(s).

The drinking is definitely getting in the way. I (male) have also had problems w/ Mr Happy after drinking too much, and it is not as uncommon as you think. The two drink limit is a good idea until you get to know someone. Also the don't rush advice is great. Just take your time and find a few groups of people and you should have many many more enjoyable experiences. Also make up a code word between you two so as soon as you hear it either one of you know that it's time to go. Even if it is in mid stroke so to speak. Do not delay leaving for the sake of the other couple. If it's not going well it most likely wont get better.

Thanks all. I know we can easily see that were making bad decisions, therefor how can we expect our swinging experiences to go well. Its funny how swinging sort of brings your flaw and your positive attributes as a couple to surface. We both can be too nice, and I especially can be too willing and open. This is all an eye opener. We are going to take a different approach, and have many couples contacting us one after the other this week, LOL, so we are looking to pace ourselves... will let you know how it goes!

Find a couple that you connect with and have fun with and get some experiences under your belt with that couple where if Mr. Happy doesn't come up to play then it's not a big deal.

Then if you want to setup a night of partying then go have fun but don't try to do both at the same time.

I personally found that drinking interfered with my enjoyment. I would rather be sober. What I read that bothers me is it sounded like you two had to be shitfaced to swing. Why? Something is wrong when one goes to these lengths. Try not drinking and if you can't enjoy yourselves maybe you should re-examine your priorities.

Just want to post an update! We have had 2 GREAT experiences since the few not so good ones..and are VERY pleased !! We find it all so exciting. They both prefer the "friends with benefits" aspect of the LS...which is a plus. One couple is newer then we are but we are having a ton of fun w/ it. The other is more experienced and will likely see them less...

It seems we finally found what works, and they are both full swap couples, which was amazing to say the least. Hubby and i had a few minor communication issues that we worked through, and needless, we have 2nd dates scheduled.

SO FUN- this is what its apparently all about

Just want to post an update! We have had 2 GREAT experiences since the few not so good ones..and are VERY pleased !! We find it all so exciting. They both prefer the "friends with benefits" aspect of the LS...which is a plus. One couple is newer then we are but we are having a ton of fun w/ it. The other is more experienced and will likely see them less...

 

It seems we finally found what works, and they are both full swap couples, which was amazing to say the least. Hubby and i had a few minor communication issues that we worked through, and needless, we have 2nd dates scheduled.

 

SO FUN- this is what its apparently all about

Just wait until you go to your first house party !

Stop drinking so much!

Just want to post an update! We have had 2 GREAT experiences since the few not so good ones..and are VERY pleased !! We find it all so exciting. They both prefer the "friends with benefits" aspect of the LS...which is a plus. One couple is newer then we are but we are having a ton of fun w/ it. The other is more experienced and will likely see them less...

 

It seems we finally found what works, and they are both full swap couples, which was amazing to say the least. Hubby and i had a few minor communication issues that we worked through, and needless, we have 2nd dates scheduled.

 

SO FUN- this is what its apparently all about

Can you give us any specifics on what you did differently between the bad and good experiences? Why do you think you had good ones more recently? Any lessons learned?

I would have to echo the idea about alcohol.

I have sort of a standing rule with "Ursula" that I don't make love when she's drunk. Don't get me wrong. If she's been out for the night, had a couple, comes home all frisky with the taste of wine on her lips...I'm all over her.

But, if she gets a ride home, stumbles in the front door and collapses into bed...we exchange "I love you"s, kiss good night and curl up for the night. Oh, sometimes she thinks shes in the mood...but I've never had a good experience with her drunk...so now I just put the kibash to it. When she's drunk, she tastes like beer and moves like a jello shot

I mean...when she's sober or had a couple, she tastes like sugar and moves like a cat...it's like WOW!...so anything else just pales in comparison.

We recently met a couple out. When they showed up I was attracted to the wife's personality. She was a ball of fire, all exited to meet us, making great conversation. She didn't have any particular physical traits that attracted me; but what a great person.

Well...a drink or two later, she's talking a little louder, being less discrete about it. (We were in a vanilla setting) I don't think she let the cat out of the bag; but the other three of us were definitely getting worried. We agreed to go back to their place to hang out for a while. Which we did; but we just talked some more and agreed to maybe meet again sometime.

I know that some people say that sex is like pizza...it's never bad, just some better than others...well, I'd like to continue that thought...to me, sex with a drunk woman (which I've only experienced with my wife) turned out to be bad pizza...so I don't go for that style anymore :-) I look for the better pizza.

Needless to say- WTF are we doing wrong here? Too much alcohol? Poor choice in couples? Moving too fast? Poor communication between hubby and

I think you did find a lot of your answers right here. Sometimes there can just be a few bad experiences in a row but I think moving too fast could be the biggest factor if you're not real experienced. If you rush you're more inclinded to drink too much, from drinking you make bad choices in couples and not communicate as effectively.

Take time to slow down and really communicate. If you have to drink more than one or two to play then the situation isn't right. Don't ignore red flags. After a time and more experience you'll know more about what couples that are more compatible and you won't feel that need to drink so much.

I'm glad you had a good experience recently, it's important if things haven't gone the way you want. One idea would be to get to know one couple at a time. That way mixed emotions from one isn't contributing to mixed emotions of the other couple. That takes me back to my intial point, don't rush it and take it slow.