Code words for swinging

Hi everyone,

I hope I have put this in the right place..

My husband and I are kind of new to the swinging world~ we have only had one experience..After that experience we realized that our "code words" were hopelessly inadequate! We figured someone might be able to help us come up with better ones here...

I apologize if I am too wordy...

We are wondering, what code words might be good for the following situations?

1. If one of us likes or doesn't like the couple that we are talking with..and one of us would like to leave their home or walk around a club and get to know other couples.

We were talking one night and came to the conclusion that one of us might want to talk with other people-but what if we are still interested in the couple we are talking with?..So how can we excuse ourselves briefly-with either the intent to come back-without blowing them off? or...how does one escape altogether?...We want to be honest, but we don't want to be rude.

We thought about things like "I need a smoke"-but neither of us smoke..so uh...that didn't work...Then we thought about "I need to check on the kids"-but that seems a rather popular one. Argh, this is so hard

2. How can one of us say "hey I really like this couple"..without actually saying it in front of the couple? I mean, how can my husband and I find out how each of us feels about a couple, without them hearing us discuss it? Does that make any sense? We thought that excusing ourselves to discuss it-might seem like we were blowing them off, which of course-we don't want to do in that situation.

3. While swinging what if one of us noticed our partner doing or experiencing something that makes one of us uncomfortable. How could I say "slow down, or please don't do that"-without breaking the mood? We don't want to you know-stop all the play-we just wanted some code word to say-"that makes me uncomfortable"

I am sure there might be other situations that call for code words, and we would really be interested in hearing ideas and thoughts from everyone. Any help would really be appreciated.

Thank you everyone

Too many code words can lead to confusion.

We only use it and rarely to stop everything that is going on and we need to talk.

If you are just talking to a couple, just tell them you and your wife need to discuss this for a moment in private. Just like at a car dealership...

If your SO is doing something you are uncomfortable with, the mood is already broken. "Honey, I need to talk to you right now" should get their attention.

The most important people in the lifestyle is you and your SO. That is who you have to keep happy first, because that is who you will be going home with in the end. None of us matter if you are not happy with what is going on.

Don't over think this too much, keep it simple and have fun.

We can give advice all day, you have to figure out how to use it according to your personalities.

We don't have many code words, but one that we've found useful is our names. Think about it--when was the last time you called your husband by his name? With us it's "sweetie" or "hon" or "slut" (okay, that one doesn't get used in public). So it's an easy way to convey something specific to your partner without alerting the other couple.

At first my first wife and I had a terrible case of the "what ifs" but we quickly learned how to deal with things. Each of us was polite but honest with our own play partner as Billy & Elain advised. Each of us knew that the other wouldn't do anything he or she didn't enjoy.

If something she did bothered me, I'd wait until later to say something to her. It worked the other way around too.

Unless it was dangerous or irreversible, there was little reason to interrupt her fun. As time went on, talking honestly with each other, fewer things bothered us. It only took a couple of months to be able to trust each other's judgement completely.

You may be new to swinging but you have already learned the truth about codes. They sound good in theory but really don't work in the heat of the moment in real life.

The most important thing in swinging is communication and working together so there for you need to actually talk and communicate and not really on subtle little words and cues while the alcohol is flowing and the hormones are raging. If you need to say something to your partner, you need to say it and say it clearly and not rely on some code.

to address your specific ?'s -

1. if you need to leave someone's house then you are already in trouble so do whatever you need to get out. In a club all you have to do is break the rhythm by going to get a drink, going to the bathroom, going over to say hi to Catherine or whatever. If you want to come back and talk some more at some point then just do that when you want.

2. really the best way to do this is to get tuned into each others body language and mannerisms. That can take some time and experience but you can probably tell if your partner is enjoying him/herself or not. Actions always speak louder than words so watch their body language. if they are making serious eye contact, leaning in towards the other person/people, making casual physical contact etc they are probably liking that person. If they are turning away, looking around the room, turning their body away etc that is probably a sign they aren't into them.

3. If your partner is doing something that is making you uncomfortable, the mood has already been broken. If you will only get more uncomfortable if the situation continues then it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. In general, if you need to intervene with anything, intervene with the least invasive and least confrontational manner that it takes to stop the activity.

I do agree with the other posters that say you may be "what if'ing" a little too much. The swinging world is far from perfect and it is not scripted like a porno movie. there will be awkward moments, there will be miscommunications and there will times you fall on your face and drop the ball. The good news is you will survive them and learn from them and life will go on.

As long as you two work together, are respectful and compassionate for each other and for else everyone and you are sane and sober and responsible you will do fine and nothing truly disasterous will happen.

Instead of code words, how about a code signal like we use? We have several nondescript signs that only we know. We keep it to two things

1. No way not interested

2. This is making me uncomfortable

Really what else do you need?

I agree with what the others have said and would just ad that no one will be offended if you want to go and discuss things between yourselves.

We worried about this at first and even made up some code words that never worked. Now days we typically don't even need to go away by ourselves to discuss things. But when we do, we haven't found it ever to be difficult to get away to do so.

Instead of code words, how about a code signal like we use? We have several nondescript signs that only we know. We keep it to two things

 

1. No way not interested

2. This is making me uncomfortable

 

Really what else do you need?

That can lead to some issues; a signal is easy to be missed if I am totally engrossed in what is happening in front of me. If I miss the signal perhaps you will get frustrated, or angry that I wasn't paying enough attention to how you felt etc. We've found that we both need to be willing to take initiative and step forward when something is going on that we don't like. Much easier than trying to keep an eye out for code signals or code words. I sure as hell won't miss Katrina saying: "I'm not comfortable with this, I'd like to stop"! Though I might mis-interpret "I'm going to go check on the kids", or a brush of the shoulder.

Most swingers develop codes... not all of them are verbal. We like hand signals... and touch signals... a hand on a back and and hand on the thigh...

But we also agree that only what the two of us think really matters... It depends on what is happening to what kind or kinds of communication we use.

Thank you everyone for the replies. I really appreciate it

In our first (and only) time with another couple we thought we had everything all planned out. We told each other that we would squeeze hard if we needed their attention/if something was wrong etc. Well needless to say-when you are having fun:blush:..squeezing is something you uh..do often-so, we completely missed each others signals. It turns out we weren't as clever as we thought;) Ah newbies...

Since we are new, we both really want to have some kind of way of communicating with each other privately. It's important to us. We both really WANT to make the other couple as comfortable as possible at all times-even if we don't want to swing with them. And we just feel that if we could communicate via code words or actions, we could prevent misunderstandings etc.

Anyway, Sexylady1970 we really liked your idea..keep things simple...Your idea was:

"1. No way not interested

2. This is making me uncomfortable"

We think that maybe one more might be good for us. An : "I am interested" one.

We just keep racking our brains and we just can't seem to come up with any code words/actions without the whole thing becoming like a special forces mission or something. Just something simple, unmistakable..and unnoticeable to others...

maybe...tapping to say I am uncomfortable?..and maybe a rub on the back or leg to say "I am interested"? What might work for an "NO WAY-not interested" code?

Thanks again everyone for helping us:)

Have fun this weekend!

I, Mr. Cpl, have physical disability that becomes evident within minutes of meeting me. If we need to extricate ourselves without "being rude" one of two things happen: Mrs. Couple either rubs the affected area or asks how it is feeling. This is my cue that she wants out. If I rub the area or complain that it is bothering me and ask her for aspirin she knows that I want out. It works great because I always always always have pain killers in my pocket. if I am asking for them, she knows that it is a ruse.

We use hand signals, but we only have two: "Yes, I'm interested", and "No, I'm not interested". This is for when we meet people and are talking with them. We use them less than we used to, but we still use them.

#1 and #2: If we're talking to a new couple at a M&G or a party and we like them, but want to mingle with others as well, then we might say something like, "We'd definitely like to talk to you some more, but I see so-and-so over there and would like to say hello". Accompanied by the right smile, this is usually taken as sincere. We make sure to talk to that couple again before too long, or otherwise let them know that yes, we would like to get to talk to them some more.

If we're talking to a couple and are not interested in conversation or anything else, we might give the hand signal for clarity. But mainly we just politely excuse ourselves without saying anything encouraging to the other couple.

#3: We don't have any code words or actions for getting out of a play situation. We just stop and say "Honey, I'm sorry but I think we should slow down/stop". I can't recall a situation when one of us had to work very hard to get the other's attention, but it could certainly happen. Sometimes you just have to tap your mate on the shoulder (or elsewhere) and let them know.

Look, slight shake of head = no play.

Look, slight nod of head = play.

Really all we need.

We can share a quick glance when the other couple is not talking and that conveys all the information we need (play or no play). Over the many years of our long distance relationship, D and I have developed enough communication that simple things do not need words or signals to communicate.

Getting a drink, running to the bathroom, etc, getting out of a conversation and getting lost in a club is easy. If it's a private party, fake a phone call. D does that all the time in non swinging situations and it works great.

When we were first beginning we felt we needed code words or gestures. We found they were to confusing or we couldn't remember which was which. Besides, we kept having visions of the baseball coach going through all the gestures. As we gained experience we learned that all couples are facing the same issues when with another couple - Do we want to play and what is off limits? Because we all are making the same analysis there is nothing wrong or rude about saying "Please excuse us we need to visit in private." After ascertaining each others interest level then we return and if we don't want to play we continue the conversation for a little while and move on just as we would in a vanilla situation. If we do want to play we simply ask the other couple would you two like to play with us. If they say yes then we ask what their rules are and tell them ours. If it is still a go then game on. If not then we move on.

What I am saying is that as you gain experience I think you will realize you really don't need to be secretive about the fact you are deliberating whether to play or not. And when you are ready to move on a simple "It was nice talking to you -- see you around." should suffice.

This is what works for us.

We thought about a bunch of code words, and what if situations for them, and basically came to the conclusion that we only needed one, which means "we need to get out now!". Thankfully we never had to use it.

We know by one another's body language how things are going and if need be we will talk privately just to be sure we are on the same page.

With more thought on keeping it simple.

Smile means yes

Frown means no

Grabbing you by the collar and dragging you to the door really means - no

Grabbing you and pulling you to the bed means - yes

I am talking about with your significant other most of the time...

With more thought on keeping it simple.

 

Smile means yes

 

Frown means no

 

Grabbing you by the collar and dragging you to the door really means - no

 

Grabbing you and pulling you to the bed means - yes

 

I am talking about with your significant other most of the time...

That should pretty well cover the options, shouldn't it?