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wlhotwife
01-07-2009, 02:23 PM
My hubby and I have been in the lifestyle for about 6 months now, and we have played with 2 other couples. We have exchanged emails with many others, and met quite a few through online contacts, off premise dances and a local club.
We don't have a lot of time to devote to the lifestyle, due to family and other social obligations.
We are finding it very difficult to find couples where there is a 4 way connection, and it is becoming pretty frustrating.
Part of the problem is my hubby and I have differing ideas of who/what we are looking for. He seeks people that are very similar to us, in age, interests, looks, socioeconomic status, etc. I tend to be attracted to people who are very different from us. I find myself attracted to much younger guys, (we are in our late 40's) who are somewhat edgy. He does not care for younger women, and usually rejects my picks as "too scary".
We are a little above average in the looks department, and for me physical attractiveness is very important, ( though an attractive, outgoing personality can go a long way towards getting me to overlook any physical flaws!). He tends to gravitate towards people who are less attractive, claiming they are "more interesting."
Since entering the lifestyle was my idea in the first place, and he was resistant to the idea at first, I have always given him veto power, and even "took one for the team" with our first couple, even though I wasn't attracted to the other guy. (Something we both regret, and vow never to let happen again)
Now he is a very enthusiastic participant, and is pushing me to try and find more couples for us to meet. I'm getting frustrated, because we can't seem to agree on what we are looking for.
I'm considering suggesting we play seperately in the club/house party environment. I'm not sure if this would be a good solution, or make the situation even worse, and risk damaging our relationship.
Anybody else have this issue?

IvoryTowers
01-07-2009, 03:25 PM
I suspect a lot of couples have a disparity like yours, though probably not to the degree you do. Mrs. Ivory has fairly specific tastes in men, while I like a wider range of women. Our "rule" is pretty much the swingers' "golden rule": we only go as fast as the slowest person. We only play when she's into the guy, since I'm very likely to be interested in the woman no matter what. Those rare times when she's into the guy and I'm not into the woman, we don't play either. This means that we don't play with as many couples as I might like (in a perfect world), but it also means that we are much more likely to *both* enjoy our encounters equally.

While you could certainly try to play separately, perhaps a better solution would be to try to have more threesomes. If you make the FMF threesome all (or mostly) about him and the MFM all (or mostly) about you, you can choose playmates based only on one person's tastes. You both get to play more often, and you don't have to fight as much about the playmate.

Another approach would be to accept that you're going to be a very "picky" couple but that once you play you're going to have a really great time. There's nothing wrong with that. It seems to me that some couples who play all the time must have some hits and some misses. They can't be having a great time every time. Maybe you should shoot for quality over quantity. :)

The Fuse
01-07-2009, 03:52 PM
Regarding whether to play separately at parties, I think you should talk between yourselves beforehand. Try to imagine what it would be like at a party if and when one or both of you goes off into a room with someone else, and the other is perhaps not playing yet.

This worked fine for us the one time we did it, after we had been swinging for a couple of years and had some experience. But when we first started and had only been with a few couples, Mr. Fuse would have been less comfortable with it. One reason is because as a somewhat outgoing woman, I would always have an easier time finding playmates, and we don't want a situation where I "leave him behind". Also, he is shy and would have had a very difficult time finding a playmate on his own if he'd had to pursue her. Luckily for him, he lived out every guy's fantasy -- hot naked babe started touching him, and the rest... :o.

Maybe these are issues for you and maybe they're not. Or maybe you have entirely different concerns with playing separately at parties. You didn't elaborate on that in your original post -- I am curious, what are your thoughts on that?

As far as finding couples online one at a time, that might be more difficult. Within a couple, like generally attracts like. I would say just keep looking at profiles together and talking about things. Perhaps each of you will open your minds a little as time goes on.

Until then, it seems like a good strategy might be to spend your limited time going to parties and meet and greets where you can meet a lot of people at once. Then he might have an opportunity to find interesting qualities in the more attractive people you tend to like, and you might find some magnetic qualities in a less "attractive" man.

It sounds like it could be important that both of you approach new couples with the idea that you're going to give them a chance during conversation, and not rule out people automatically based on looks, age, status and so forth. Maybe you could take turns picking out people to strike up conversations with. Work the room and talk to each other.

ncmd_couple
01-07-2009, 04:58 PM
Another suggestion is to switch up. One night at the club/party you get to choose, the next time he gets to choose. It might be a "try it you'll like it" approach.

S

socolais
01-07-2009, 05:51 PM
Swinging is all about having fun with sexual variety. Being selective cartainly has its value, but it can also get in the way of some good fun. Everyone sets their own threshold and lives with the consequences. If the results are not appealing, you may need to find a different crowd or adjust your strike zone.

Private house parties have been very good for us. We feel comfortable and secure playing alone and making our own playmate choices from those available. We get to know and trust the folks through repeat parties. She has had more playtimes than I have, but we both have fun with it.

LikeMinds321
01-07-2009, 06:09 PM
I'm considering suggesting we play seperately in the club/house party environment. I'm not sure if this would be a good solution, or make the situation even worse, and risk damaging our relationship.
Anybody else have this issue?If you did this you may find that you have more play opportunities than your husband, it often goes this way with women.

You could give it a try, if your husband is willing, and see how things go. If you find that one of you plays more than the other you may feel an inbalance that you're not comfortable with.

You will also have to consider how you both would feel seeing the other head off to play with people that you may not see as "ideal" for each other. He may not like seeing you going off with those younger edgy guys; you may not like his choice of women who are "less attractive."

Certainly bring the idea up to him and see what he says.

Please report back on what you decide and how things go.

LM

JustAskJulie
01-08-2009, 02:53 PM
This reminds me of a thread that I started a while back: http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/swinging-clubs-parties-resorts/39960-house-parties-avoid-4-way-match-problem.html

The ability to find a 4 way match is quite common, but what I'm noticing in your situation is that a lot of value is being placed on things that have nothing to do with good sex.

The two of you need to evaluate what your goals are when it comes to swinging. Are you looking to enjoy hot sex with others? Or are you looking to be friends with people? Because it sounds like a lot of what you are seeking in others (or moreso what he is seeking) is based around common interests/standings/etc that make for good friends. If you are out at a club, most of these things don't really matter, or have much basis on who you are attracted to across a room.

The biggest differentiation that I see is the age issue - you are attracted to younger couples while he is attracted to couples more your own age. You said that he sees the younger couples as dangerous, why is this? What is his reasoning for saying this? Is he worried that they are less mature and not as stable in their relationships? Again, this is something that delves more into friendships you might develop, but has little to do with enjoying fun sex with another couple at a club (or elsewhere), although it would affect whether or not you choose to be involved with them beyond that sex.

Is the issue perhaps that he is more interested in establishing friendships with other couples and "getting to know" them before playing, while you are more open to the idea of just being physically / sexually attracted to a couple and then playing (with other possibilities to follow)?

I ask these questions because they will, in the end, determine whether or not the idea of splitting up to play at a house party would work. You also have to ask yourselves (in the what do you want out of this conversation) whether or not swinging seperately is something that BOTH of you want to do, or is it just a means to an end? Is part of what you both seek in swinging, enjoying something together? You may both have to make comprimises, but until you can both sit down together and establish what it is that you both seek and where those lists overlap you can't decide where you each may need to comprimise.

wlhotwife
01-09-2009, 01:25 PM
Wow, thank you everyone for the great advice.
Julie, your post absolutely blew both of us away. We found it to be incredibly inciteful, and it really helped us to focus on the issues involved.
Basically, as a primary goal he is looking for friends with benefits, and I'm looking for different sexual experiences. Both of us have each other's primary goal as a secondary goal, so we are not that far apart in our interests.
We've decided to try the following, to ensure both of our interests are met:
When searching online, we will focus on those "friends with benefits" type of couples. People with similar interests and backgrounds, based on their profiles. Physical attractiveness is certainly an important factor, but will not be the primary consideration.
At clubs and house parties, we will focus on the people who turn us on physically. Of course personality will be an issue, and long term friendships could result out of these contacts, but that will not be our primary goal.
It should be interesting to see how this works out. We may modify our tactics from time to time, but at least we are talking about the issues, and working on solutions that work for us.
Thank you Swingers Board!:thankyou:

iapr
01-11-2009, 12:29 PM
Wow, you sound like us so much it is scary. I think all the other posters have made great points and I think you are understanding the advice they have given you.

So I'll just add this as a little perspective from the male half of another couple that shares many similarities with your issues.
Where the conflict comes in for us is that many of the men that she finds "attractive and edgy" I find boarish, caddy, self-centered and self-serving and also find many of them overly aggressive if not actual assholes.

While I would never want her to take one for the team and to be with someone she is not into, I also do not want her playing with someone I feel in my heart is an asshole and is just a player scratching off bedposts.

I also need to point out from a male perspective that woooing a younger and more attractive lady is not easy or often all that effecacious. If you find a man that is "attractive and edgy" the chances are that his partner is even younger and more attractive than he. And while the younger man may appreciate the attentions of an older attractive MILF/cougar and will be readily willing to take that to the bedroom, more often than not the younger ladies will look at us MILF's husbands as just "creepy old guys," and we get the brush off pretty quick.

The truth is a lot of men are ok with the idea of swinging and having a room full of naked women, however when the times comes to actually put a lot of time and energy and effort into it the idea loses a lot of it's appeal.

iapr
01-11-2009, 12:46 PM
As far as solutions, we are in much the same boat as you and we are still looking for an actual win-win solution but it has been very illusive. At best we often maintain a functional level of mutual compromise.

A house party/group situation may give each of you a chance to find the individuals that you each can click with but you will have to ask yourselves if you are in the lifestyle to play together as a couple or are you there to "have sex with other people?" There is nothing wrong with either scenario but is playing separately really what you signed up for?

And as was pointed out by other posters your opportunities will out number his by millions to one no matter how attractive and pleasant he is. Will he be ok with you having men lined up down the hall waiting their turn while he busts his hump to hit it off with one woman o perhaps even end up with none on occasion? The fact that he places more of a premium on personal connection and compatability and less on sexual variety, he may be ok with it.

Another option is singles. However, again there will be millions of young stud wannabes lining up for the MILF but very very few single fems. But keep this in mind. There are single fems out there and the fact that he is attractive, prefers women of his age bracket and places premium on personal connection means that of the single fems out there, they are going to come a'knockin. Since your value is unecombered sexual variety, are you going to be ok with him making a personal connection with a select few single fems?


I'm not saying all this to rain on your parade but just to show the issues. Make no mistake, this is not easy or without frustration. But as long as you two work together and communicate and work for the common good and enjoyment of the relationship you can work through it and enjoy yourselves along the way.

screaminggood
01-12-2009, 12:30 PM
We've went the threesome route...and surprisingly, I think we're ending up with more FMF than MFM. It seems to be easier to find women that we both find attractive than men that I find attractive.

realcplub2
01-12-2009, 02:46 PM
How about this for an alternative to the previous posts..

Since he likes one group of potential playmates and you gravitate to another.. live in both worlds..

Time being the key factor, nothing in the world says you can't have more than one set of playmates.. allow HIM to choose a couple, meet, and go from there.. the next time you pick.. and follow the same rules.. meet and see how it goes..

Never know where the fun really is unless you try it ALL.. we have met some younger couples in our day that were like WHAM BAM thank you Ma'am.. (in one case almost litteraly) and have met older couples that left us gasping for air after the marathon they got started with us..

Just remember.. never judge a book by its cover.. some are great reads, others are bound for the dollar bin ...

The Fuse
01-12-2009, 03:36 PM
How about this for an alternative to the previous posts..

Since he likes one group of potential playmates and you gravitate to another.. live in both worlds..

Time being the key factor, nothing in the world says you can't have more than one set of playmates.. allow HIM to choose a couple, meet, and go from there.. the next time you pick.. and follow the same rules.. meet and see how it goes..

Never know where the fun really is unless you try it ALL.. we have met some younger couples in our day that were like WHAM BAM thank you Ma'am.. (in one case almost litteraly) and have met older couples that left us gasping for air after the marathon they got started with us..

Just remember.. never judge a book by its cover.. some are great reads, others are bound for the dollar bin ...
I think there is a little cause for caution in this strategy. No problem with one member of a couple being somewhat more interested than the other in any particular couple. But speaking personally, I could not have sex with a guy I wasn't attracted to just because it was Mr. Fuse's turn to choose. Nor would I expect him to have sex with a woman just because I wanted to be with her husband. Maybe that couple is great in bed, but that is just not relevant if we both don't want to get horizontal in the first place.

It's almost the same story just for meeting couples for a drink, although obviously that is less serious than playing. I wouldn't want to go and spend the time, effort and money for a meet if the other couple was only interested in Mr. Fuse. He certainly wouldn't want to go if the other couple were only interested in me. Now, if one member of a couple is on the fence about meeting, that's a different story. We have done that and had a good time. We have enough free time to meet couples if one of us is a "maybe". That won't be true for everyone.

There are not that many couples to whom Mr. Fuse and I are both equally attracted. But we won't play if both of us are not at least somewhat excited about it. We don't do "try it, you'll like it" if we don't feel motivated in the first place. If one of us did that to please the other, we'd call it "taking one for the team". There are always surprises about how good someone is in bed, but we don't get to the surprise unless we both want to open the cereal box. :)

willyoats
01-14-2009, 05:42 PM
It didn't take us long to figure out how difficult it is to find another couple where all four are compatible. Our mentors in the swingcommunity (club owners in Florida) estimated about 1 in 10 would work out well. That's about right.

So, what can you do? We pretty much settled on going to clubs and house parties. With 40 or 50 couples at our club every night, we found another fun couple maybe a third of the times for same,or separate, room play. Other times, we had MFM, since there were always good singles there. And sometimes we husband of one couple and wife of another for separate room play.

There are lots of possibilities, but finding another couple that you both like is not going to be the easiest.

ViSexual
01-27-2009, 03:51 AM
I think Willieoats hit it on the head.

And, this makes a point for large groups, doesn't it?

But, if you're really not into large groups then threesomes, or separate play, seem to be the best solution.

And, just noticed, he and I not only agree on this, we live pretty close too!