Being Outed

It has come to our attention in our little community that it seems we may have been found out on the SLS website. We have been discussing a response to this. We have been in active publicly and have just been private with one couple over the past 9 months. We kind of forgot about the website. Any advice for a reponses to being swingers? I have a lucrative business in a little town, and do not want to admit that we are swingers. We have been discussing just wanted to know if anyone else has come up against this.

We came out so to speak 5 years ago (If you count Oprah as comming out). The big shock to us was how few people asked about it or made a big deal. We have a high profile accounting, tax and investment firm and we did not loose any clients. We did have a couple that asked but all they wanted to know is "What is Oprah like". For any one that said anything we just said "and". Big new was even the minister clients came back. We may be lucky as we live in a major metro area but we found that if we don't make a big deal no on else does.

Good luck hope you have as little problems as we have

I did see your episode. At the time, we were already swinging. I am not to concerned just thinking of how to reply to not make it a big deal. Thanks for the input.

If they found you, they were looking. So whoever "outs" you in effect "outs" themselves. If you don't want to admit to it, I would turn the tables and just respond with a "well what were THEY doing on a site like that?". Doing that you are neither admitting or denying anything just turning the subject.

I read something about interviews. If you don't like the question. Instead of answering their question, answer the question they SHOULD have asked.

I assume you have deleted your profile.. so .. if someone asks, just look at them and say WHAT.

Yes, we deleted it. He has been defunct since last October. We have been thinking about going with the turning the question around. "That sounds interesting, who was on that website?". I am slightly concerned about it getting to my clients, but not really. We have made our way in this world and have done really well for ourselves. We also do not forget where we came from or who we went to high school with. The people that are discussing this are not our clients, and will never be our clients, but are still acquaintances we see once in a while. I hope that does not sound too....I don't know uppity!!

Did you have faces to the profile? Again, as someone else pointed out, they found the SLS website and you have to create an account to perv the profiles (I think).

All the above advice is good; don't make a big deal out of it. You'll feel uncomfortable for a while, I'm sure, but they'll get over it.

So whoever "outs" you in effect "outs" themselves.

Not sure that is always the case. Seems like that sort of creep could easily come up with a reason - and it very well could be completely true. "Someone told me they were deviants, and I just HAD to check... you won't believe it, but there are these free-sex websites, and sure enough, they were there! Here's a copy of their page... I couldn't believe it."

We live in a town with 2000 households, the entire county only has 250,000 residents. We've thought about the downside to being outted, but decided we'd rather be low key and unashamed. We'd rather people didn't find out, but if they do, we'll let the chips fall where they may.

"I wonder if the people pretending to be us were hot?"

I actually had this happen to us. I was sent an e-mail from someone in the organization that said, “I thought you should know….” Ooops

I got the person's e-mail from the forwarded e-mail and said to them, well, I don’t have access to that site so I can’t see what you are looking at. When they came back at me with links to another site, I said, “nice pics, too bad they aren’t mine. Lucky bastard.” Oh, and by the way, my username is pretty common and I can’t use it at a lot of places. Would you care to tell me who you you are and face me openly instead of hiding?

Zero, nilch, nara from them…. It went away…

If they found you, they were looking. So whoever "outs" you in effect "outs" themselves.

It's human nature to be curious and "swinging" is a much more accepted sexual activity in todays society than it was just a few years ago.

There's even a TV series "Swingtown" associating with it.

In Charlotte, NC one of the local TV news stations got wind of a social the Carolina Friends was having at a local hotel and did a story on it with video shot through a side door of the hotel from like 75 yards away with a telescopic lens (didn't show anything but a lady in a black dress holding a drink) and the news media made fun of the by-laws on the clubs website....well that next week....club membership increased by over 100 couples....great FREE advertising.

My point is "So What"? I don't think anyone but the Christian-Do-Gooders (No offence to religious people, just those that try to make others conform to their views) would have any "Real" problems with it.

I'd imagine other folks would have more curiosity than anything and even be a little envious also. It's human nature to feel interested in sexual relations with other people, it's only our social morals that prevent most of us from acting on that feeling.

Brush it off, let the dust settle....people are a lot more accepting these days.

You might even find a few new friends.

Thank you to everyone for your advise. After having the sick feeling in my stomache go away, and sleeping on it. We have decided to do and say nothing unless confronted. I am sure it will not happen. Also, I am sure they are all jealous of us any ways. LOL! Have fun everyone! It is the weekend. We are on task for it!

Additude said:

In Charlotte, NC one of the local TV news stations got wind of a social the Carolina Friends was having at a local hotel and did a story on it with video shot through a side door of the hotel from like 75 yards away with a telescopic lens (didn't show anything but a lady in a black dress holding a drink) and the news media made fun of the by-laws on the clubs website....well that next week....club membership increased by over 100 couples....great FREE advertising.

I remember watching that story a few years back.

Fortunately Carolina Friends is kind of the 900 lb. Gorilla of swing clubs in the Southeast. They are so damn big and organized that a news story will only help them.

To the OP: Hopefully it will die down for you and blow over without any major issues. Best of luck to you.

two4youinswva said:

I remember watching that story a few years back.

 

Fortunately Carolina Friends is kind of the 900 lb. Gorilla of swing clubs in the Southeast. They are so damn big and organized that a news story will only help them.

 

To the OP: Hopefully it will die down for you and blow over without any major issues. Best of luck to you.

This most recent media coverage we are referencing a couple of years ago was the second time this same news station covered CF. The time before that preceded it by about 4 or 5 years. Same outcome really...increased membership....

But, in CF fashion, they now block all views into any hotel they occupy. They also have their own on-premise club and of course security guards posted that WILL challenge you if they suspect something out of order.

Sorry...hijack over...

So the Saga has now finished. We talked to the M of a couple we have played with in the past. Though it took them 2 weeks to tell us, that it had gotten out, and heard the details of what happen. I am OK and so is handsome, but hurt that this couple took so long to tell us. We knew about the situation at the same time we were all together at public vanilla parties, I am sure being whispered about while we were there. We were surprised they had not said anything. Now I am just disappointed and hurt. Seems from what he was saying they were being party of the whole thing to not draw attention, but they also did not give us a heads up for any damage control. I think this has really hurt the relationship at least for me.

We got outed by my own mother and father. We were having a family dinner and casually my mom said that her boss saw Disco and I on a swing site (SLS).

We did the turn the tables bit, asking her what her boss was doing on a swing site. It was dropped and never brought up again.

I really don't care if our vanilla friends find out, I don't make a point of telling them but if they work it out good luck to them. I am still the same person if it offends them then they wern't sincere freinds anyway.

A long time ago I had feared to be outed. Then one day a co-worker of mine was in a gossip mood and told everyone that a particular co-worker used to be a swinger. I didn't bother looking shocked and just asked how he would know this. He went to parties at their house and other things etc... No one really thought that much of it and I've never seen her treated differently after everyone found out. What I didn't say was that she still was a swinger because I happened to bump into her on SLS a couple weeks before.

A similiar scenario happened a couple months later, it wasn't new information to me and no one really seemed to care. From what I can tell neither person really became affected by it in their place of employment. Either no one cared or they didn't believe the story to begin with.

I am passed the being outed part. It is really that this couple, who have been with us, decided to be cowards and not come to us. They were part of the chit chat and laughing about us. They did not know we were on SLS, and then went surfing around trying to find us. We knew it had happened and they wait two weeks before they told us. I am more disappointed then anything. On top of that because we are so closed with them, they are starting to be put in a tough stop. Asking if they swing with us. I just expected more from them. If they had helped with damage control maybe they wouldn't be the ones being talked about.

discoandvyper said:

We got outed by my own mother and father. We were having a family dinner and casually my mom said that her boss saw Disco and I on a swing site (SLS).

 

We did the turn the tables bit, asking her what her boss was doing on a swing site. It was dropped and never brought up again.

My gut tells me, it wasn't her boss who was looking

I have told people who are close to me and my family knows. It's not easy but I find that most people don't talk about it. One of my male friends ask me if I am still dating the couple and my best friend and sister-in-law ask about them, but they have met them so they are considered part of the family.

I don't know if I would've come out on national television. I saw the episode of "Oprah" and found that it didn't show the real side of lifestyle couples. There was only one woman who I found attractive and I do believe that she was a preacher. I think that the episode made swingers look like a bunch of desperate people who can't get laid any other way. I don't even think they had any single females on there (can't remember that part anyway).

If you live in a large city then you don't have to worry about it. My only issue is that at my last job a woman was fired after she came out and said she was a swinger. Jobs are too hard to come by these days. If you own your own business and make enough to support yourself then it may not matter. But for most people, coming out would be a big deal and until people at large become more comfortable with swingers there could be a price to pay to come out.

Also, what happens to the children (under 18) of people who come out to their community? I would think that they suffer in some kind of way. Kids can be cruel and so the children should be protected. If I were a parent I don't think that I would be so quick to reveal what goes on behind my closed doors.

i didn't think you could actually get fired just for being a swinger, there must have been more to it or the employer found other reasons along with that. i thought firing someone for bias reasons was illegal!!

I saw the episode of "Oprah" and found that it didn't show the real side of lifestyle couples. There was only one woman who I found attractive and I do believe that she was a preacher. I think that the episode made swingers look like a bunch of desperate people who can't get laid any other way. I don't even think they had any single females on there (can't remember that part anyway).

OUCH...but then again there is only so much you can find if you only look skin deep. Swinging is about sharing as much as it is about sex and it's hard for singles (uncommited) to understand that part of it. As for why their were no single on the show to most of the world single females or single males having sex is not new, interesting or note worthy.

Also, what happens to the children (under 18) of people who come out to their community? I would think that they suffer in some kind of way. Kids can be cruel and so the children should be protected. If I were a parent I don't think that I would be so quick to reveal what goes on behind my closed doors.

As for the kids we have 3 and the older ones were in high school when we did the show, we talked about it with them before we did the show and they saw no problem with us doing it. Our daughter said "It's day time TV none of my friends watch that" and our son wanted to know if he could come along and raise money for the band. Before the show kids friends allways hung out at our house (mostly because we kept the frig stocked and were busy working, not to mention the cable tv, wireless internet and cool partent). After the show this did not change. Our 19 year old daughter just graduated college, 21 year old son is still working on the college thing and the 13 year old is in middle school where as with all middle schoolers he know everything (but we know this will pass when he finaly gets to college) All the kids do well in school and are bigest problems with them were always getting them to make there beds and keep their rooms clean. Maybe honesty is a good thing after all. We never told the big kids "Don't have sex, we always said be safe, and remember sex is not love, School, College, Job, Marrage then babys...

Guess I should never of looked in on this post. But then again I still think my wife is the most beautifull woman on the planet and she seem that I am not the only man that wants her. We swing because we enjoy new experences not because we can get laid any other way.

There are many ways of protecting your children and being honest with them is the way we chose.

We have six kids. They are very aware of their parents lifestyle. Since we have been on T.V., Radio, Newspaper and magazines we felt it was best many years ago that they heard it from us rather then see us on T.V.

Not a one of them have ever had a problem with others because of our lifestyle. Our oldest son and his wife do not approve and that is fine, they don't live our life and we don't live theirs. The rest of the kids don't care either way. They are fine as long as we are fine.

Just because Oprah did not have single beauty queens on her show does not mean it was not swingers or that she shed a bad light on the subject. Swinging has always been for everyone, not just the pretty people in life. You will find many more "regular" people in this lifestyle then you will find "Barbie and Ken" types.

Each of us have our idea about what this lifestyle is about and it seems that many try to exclude those that don't fit within their idea. Just because you don't like something does not make it wrong.

likkit69 said:

i didn't think you could actually get fired just for being a swinger, there must have been more to it or the employer found other reasons along with that. i thought firing someone for bias reasons was illegal!!

It depends on the employment laws where you live. More and more states are going to "at will employment" where they can fire you for anything they choose to at any time (short of your race/sex). Sexual interest/ orientation has never been a protected class for anything (and doubtfully ever will be).

FYI for those that don't know, Colorado is a "at will" they need no reason.

i didn't think you could actually get fired just for being a swinger, there must have been more to it or the employer found other reasons along with that. i thought firing someone for bias reasons was illegal!!

Unfortunately, most states are "right to work" states, which actually means "right to fire". The law says that either party, employer or employee, can fire/quit at any time, subject to any existing employment contract.

Only two points govern terminations. First, the discrimination laws for race, gender, age, religion, etc. apply (to most larger employers).

Second, any terms of a published employee policy manual must be followed, which can sometimes slow things with a very large employer. But practically, the employer does what ever they want and the employee either agrees or quits.

You're right, life isn't fair.

Actually, I'm thinking it's becoming harder and harder for employers to fire someone for their sexual orientation, providing the individual can *prove* that's why they were fired... that's the hard part. As for being fired for being a swinger, there's a lot of professions, especially "public" ones, that have a "morality clause" in their contracts... Teaching is a good example. Not long ago, I read a thread here, I believe, about a woman who worked for a school district, and only as an administrative secretary at the board building, who was fired for violating the morality clause. The fact that she had no contact with the students (not that a lifestyler would worry about that anyway) was completely ignored, even though they cited the "immoral example" she set for students, that parents didn't want a "pervert" working in the education system, etc, etc. She didn't have a leg to stand on, and lost her job. So, yeah... it might just be safer to play your cards close to the vest, so to speak.

I am slightly concerned about it getting to my clients, but not really. We have made our way in this world and have done really well for ourselves.

If you are good at what you do, I think you will find that most will not leave. Oh there will always be that holier than thou one, but most if questioned by others why they still give you bussiness will most likely say " who cares what they do in their spare time, I care about their quality work".

I say it is our lives and we live how we do, if some one wants to judge me, then the perfect man cast the first stone! Every one has secrets!! If my job fires me over my social life, i will take them to court!! It is no ones buisnes what i do or who i do it with. I dont tell you so you dont tell me. If some one finds out oh well

I think the issue of morality is much like the issues of obscenity, indecency , etc. not everyone has the same idea of what is obscene, indecent, or offensive, and not everyone has the same ideas of morality.

likkit69 said:

I think the issue of morality is much like the issues of obscenity, indecency , etc. not everyone has the same idea of what is obscene, indecent, or offensive, and not everyone has the same ideas of morality.

You are right of course.. and the crack up is, looking at the news for the past few years.. Its always those that are willing to judge, and be critical of the "bad" or "Dirty" people that often can't stand the same bright light of day..

Jimmy Swaggert anyone? How about the one from Colorado, who was soliciting a male pros..

Locally, we had the head of a GREAT BIG church in Jax, that for the better part of 30 years was molesting BOYS & GIRLS.. the old fucker kicked the bucket before the trial, but his Deacon just got sentenced to 10 years..

As far as the original post.. how to handle it, there are limited options.. Deny, admit, but limit the admission.." it was a stupid fantasy" .. or Admit totally, and say, why did you want to set something up for Saturday nite?

In any case, NO ONE has the right to judge.. They haven't walked a few miles in your shoes, and maybe that's the point

Jealousy can be a Vicious game for the small minded..

Actually, I'm thinkin it's becoming harder and harder for employers to fire someone for their sexual orientation, providing the individual can *prove* that's why they were fired... that's the hard part. As for being fired for being a swinger, there's a lot of professions, especially "public" ones, that have a "morality clause" in their contracts... Teaching is a good example. Not long ago, I read a thread here, I believe, about a woman who worked for a school district, and only as an administrative secretary at the board building, who was fired for violating the morality clause. The fact that she had no contact with the students (not that a lifestyler would worry about that anyway) was completely ignored, even though they cited the "immoral example" she set for students, that parents didn't want a "pervert" working in the education system, etc, etc. She didn't have a leg to stand on, and lost her job. So, yeah... it might just be safer to play your cards close to the vest, so to speak.

Theres a worse example here in Australia at the moment. a husband and wife, both teachers at the same highschool, "starred" in an interview in cosmo (womens magazine), that delved into their sex lives. they aren't swingers, they just discussed different fantasies, different things they'd tried in the privacy of their own house (eg toys). pretty much a standard married couple.

the fact they were teachers wasn't disclosed in the interview, but when one of the parents of the kids at the school read the article, they complained, and lo and behold, the wife got fired!!!

now the questions i have...

if the parent reading was such a prude, what were they doing reading an article in the sexuality section?

why was only the female of the couple fired? is it ok for a man to have sex with his wife, but not for his wife to ha ve sex with her husband???

and does the education dept. really expect married couples, with kids of their own, to forever be celebate?

Wow! I just came back on to look around and did not realize my thread was still going. Update. We are good, nothing happened! More people know, and we talk about it when asked. I still feel nervous about people knowing, but the world did not blow up! Chow

I'm glad that things worked out for you.

How did your relationship with the other couple work out?

How widespread has your outing been?

Sorry for being nosey.

Do as I say, not as I do.

People can read all the magazines they want. Visit all the internet sites they want. When they find something too close to home, then they get upset.

No one worries about swinger parties until they are next door or in their hometown or next to their business.

Everyone has a sex drive. Everyone takes care of it in different ways. Some are more open about it. Some have to hide it. But your sex drive isn't going away (in a normal person).

Afraid of being outed? Then there is probably a list you should follow -

Don't use your real name.

Don't submit photos on line.

Don't do interviews.

Stay in the dark.

Don't play in your hometown.

Rent a car.

Don't use your credit card at a Club/Social.

That's probably a good start.

Not afraid of being outed? Then, have you worn your swingersboard shirt in public today? I did!!

Billy made a great list. I think he forgot one though.

If you are really worried about being outed, don't swing.

The Truth will set you free!

Are you trying to be supportive?

We are still friends with that couple but it really had to do with being betrayed. They never told us. We kind of got it out of them. We are more acquiantances then best friends. They were having problems with our situation any ways, drama, it worked out for the best.

Are you trying to be supportive?

If this was directed to me, Yes. The answer may not be what you want to hear sometimes.

You can also do the, "hahahaha, us swingers? yep!! hahahah" and I'll bet they will laugh with you! And you didn't lie to them.

All kinds of ways to handle this, now you have to pick one or come up with one.