People who don't reply

I am sure this has been asked before, But.....What is the deal with people who won't even give you a reply to say they are not interested. Even worse we have one now who hasn't even opened our email but we can see has been online. I mean, I can understand when conversations just drop off for lack of interest, but to not even reply to a first email.

How common is this and how do you feel about it?

I feel it is rude. Or second that the person is not serous about meeting someone. Just my opinion.

The ones I don't reply to say something like: "show me more pics" and nothing else or "we wanna F*ck you" and that's all. In other words, poorly written first contacts. I don't feel like they deserve a reply. Even while my leg's been broken (which it states clearly on our profile), we've responded to emails.

Since I don't believe this is the case for you, I would assume they are either new and don't know how to let you down politely or they're just plain rude.

Either way, do you really want to meet someone who cannot even answer an email with some class?

You deserve better.

Mrs. D

I think sometimes "life happens".

I can say that as a couple who works 10 hour days, exercises for an hour and a half a day on top of that, preps for five meals a day and then has family and friends that sometimes demand their time - I totally "get" busy.

I know we have waited to reply to messages before - and I know that we have had to be patient when others have had a lot going on. But we realize that the people we are communicating with are adults with lives, and we accept and respect that.

Funny you should mention that messages on SLS look "unread" but the couple has obviously been on. We actually do that ourselves. You can read a message without opening it - and leaving it in an "unread" status, for us, is a way of keeping it "in front of us" for when we both - as a couple - can sit down and answer it together (sitting down together can sometimes be the biggest part of the challenge to keeping in touch). That silly little bird serves as a reminder that we have unanswered email.

But, honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. It could very well be that this couple is just one of those busy couples who have a lot going on - and since this happens to be a thread started on Thanksgiving, I think we can all appreciate having a lot on our plate

Spoomonkey

The ones I don't reply to say something like: "show me more pics" and nothing else or "we wanna F*ck you" and that's all. In other words, poorly written first contacts. I don't feel like they deserve a reply. Even while my leg's been broken (which it states clearly on our profile), we've responded to emails.

 

Since I don't believe this is the case for you, I would assume they are either new and don't know how to let you down politely or they're just plain rude.

 

Either way, do you really want to meet someone who cannot even answer an email with some class?

 

You deserve better.

 

Mrs. D

OK Mrs D, yes I have to agree there is an excuse for blowing off an email. But even then we hit the generic deny button, rather than a typed response.

And you are very right, we dont want to meet them now.

Funny you should mention that messages on SLS look "unread" but the couple has obviously been on. We actually do that ourselves. You can read a message without opening it - and leaving it in an "unread" status, for us, is a way of keeping it "in front of us" for when we both - as a couple - can sit down and answer it together (sitting down together can sometimes be the biggest part of the challenge to keeping in touch). That silly little bird serves as a reminder that we have unanswered email.

 

 

Spoomonkey

Thanks for the tip on that. while it would not work for us right now, I like the idea. (reality Bunny wants to get rid of the stupid little bird as quick as possible, but I like the idea of a reminder.)

And We understand life happens. Thats why we dont worry about couples who drop out of communication. If there is truly an intrest, one or the other will reinitiate in good time. But beyond that, it only takes a few seconds to type "real busy now, will reply when we get more time". That way at least we dont fel as if we are getting a total blow off.

But beyond that, it only takes a few seconds to type "real busy now, will reply when we get more time". That way at least we dont fel as if we are getting a total blow off.

That's true - and an excellent idea.

We've never thought of it because it has never been an issue and we've been on SLS doing the "bird trick" for a long time. I think most people start with a positive and don't turn things into a negative (or feeling like they are being "blown off") until there is a reason to feel that way.

I can understand how frustrating (and exciting) it can be just starting out in the lifestyle. It was for us as well. But patience is one of those things you learn.

I figure if a couple never writes us back - we simply move on - anything could have happened and it may not have anything in the world to do with us. But once we send a PM, we don't clock watch waiting for a response. Sometimes you have communications that just don't work out. I think it would drive me crazy if I thought the worst just because the reply took a week or so...

Spoomonkey

 

Funny you should mention that messages on SLS look "unread" but the couple has obviously been on. We actually do that ourselves. You can read a message without opening it - and leaving it in an "unread" status, for us, is a way of keeping it "in front of us" for when we both - as a couple - can sit down and answer it together (sitting down together can sometimes be the biggest part of the challenge to keeping in touch). That silly little bird serves as a reminder that we have unanswered email.

 

We do the exact same thing...if I open it and read it I sometimes forget to show Ted...leaving it marked as unread is the best way I've found to not forget. Once we've opened it, then we respond.

Teresa

I can understand how frustrating (and exciting) it can be just starting out in the lifestyle. It was for us as well. But patience is one of those things you learn.

 

I think it would drive me crazy if I thought the worst just because the reply took a week or so...

 

Spoomonkey

That may be part of the problem for us. Well thats why we post these things. Especialy us newbies.

Right now for us, no reply in 2 weeks does make think the worst.

The least one can do is reply, and say either yes or no. It's not you will meet them.

Its true, it is impolite not to reply. However, people have to understand that we do lead lives other than being swingers lol. Like with this time of the year, its nuts around here...2 of our 3 children are Christmas babies and so we are running around doing holidays, birthdays, along with careers and school and all the other shit we do every day. So it very well may be 2 weeks before I get a chance to answer an email...and I'll be honest. Sometimes I open them up at 6am before I leave for my office in Austin...meaning to answer that afternoon when I get home. Only then I forget. I have sent more than 1 apology email weeks later when I realized that I did not return an email. So do not immediately think that they just don't like you if they don't return your email they are probably busy or honestly forgot. Especially single women, they are bombarded by soooo many emails (I have a unicorn friend that says its common to get 20-30 emails a DAY!) from couples and single men that they almost need a personal assistant to help LOL!!

I almost am ashamed to tell this story on us but it is a good example of how "shit happens" in life. Spoo and I answer emails together so depending on schedules etc. we'll read them separately and as already discussed here...leave the little bird up so we know we have to answer it.

The little "bird" trick came to us after what happened with this one couple on SLS. We got an email from them and Spoo (who is on way more then me) opened it and read it (bird reminder is now gone). He told me about the email and said he was interested and I should read their profile and then we could answer them. Well you guessed it...the stars got out of line or some cosmic jeannie made life turn crazy for us and since our "reminder" was gone we never replied to them

As wonderful fate would have it in surfing around SLS, almost a whole year later, to find people we'd like to email and see if there was chemistry we ran across their profile. We have an email history with them but it only consists of their email to us with no reply. We had no excuses, no reasons as to what happened so we took the chance and emailed them. We explained that we had read their email, discussed it but then never responded because life happened and we totally forgot. Much to our surprise they got it...we met them and they were a great couple that we all hit it off with.

Patience is good, understanding is good and in our case we were very lucky that this fantastic couple understood it wasn't a blow off or a rejection but a case of dealing with things in life that sometimes come before the lifestyle.

Mrs Spoomonkey

Happened to me ON this Board! Just a few days ago! You know yeah lets chat I will be on tonight blah blah blah.. I freaking hate them! Why are people such jerks.....This girl send me a PM she is in the area we cht for a sec then says lets chat tonight so i can chat with your wife etc....then nothing............

Geezzz, I can't even go and take a nap and Ed gets us in hot water up to our asses...heehee

Maybe I should help clear some of this up....or make it worse, one of the two...heehee

Ed and I, both work in the medical field, which is very customer service driven. We are expected to give prompt and polite service to the patients and doctors, whom are considered our personal customers. Being the social ants that we are, we have taken this responsibility on in our personal and social lives.

We have wondered and talked about why people who have been on "today," seem not to have taken the time to give a simple 5 word or less response to an email. I think that this is the reason that Ed was venting and asking for advise today.

Bammmm, boommm, bang...did he open a can of worms. (He feels terrible) He was chastised both on and off the forum today, bad-bad-boy. I will get the whip out later..heehee

I wonder, how many people get tired of the no response's and just stop sending mail out at all or leave the lifestyle. If it weren't for the fact that our profile has gotten us some decent contacts, we would have probably given up. For the most part (except for those on this forum!) we have not received responses to our emails. Out of the numerous couples that we have had or are in contact with, only 2 of them are from us initiating contact. I can see why many would just stop, without even asking the newbie question of why this phenomenon takes places.

So we understand when you ask us to consider that people have busy lives outside of all of the lifestyle. But, at the same time, please understand that newbies don't know the rules of the game.

I rather get a no thanks, no way, nice try, or you've been deleted...heehee...than no response at all.

Oh, and thanks for all your responses. We will try to be more patient...Next subject please.....heehee;)

Thats it, hes getting spanked lol

...Maybe I should help clear some of this up....or make it worse, one of the two...heehee

Ed and I, both work in the medical field, which is very customer service driven. We are expected to give prompt and polite service to the patients and doctors, whom are considered our personal customers. Being the social ants that we are, we have taken this responsibility on in our personal and social lives.

This is alternative, not work nor a business transaction, thank goodness. Otherwise, I'd be in a world of hurt if I was obligated to return my personal life e-mails in 8 business hours like I am at work. That, and I'd be a pretty pissed off person because I just don't need anymore obligations, expectations and deadlines in my life, professional or personal. Also, I don't think anyone in my vanilla or alternative life would like the legal disclosures I'd be throwing at the end of every e-mail.

Easier to state is you really can't expect people to respond in a manner consistent with your personal code. Each person has their own mode of operation for their personal interactions. Expectations, unrealistic or otherwise, have a way of whomping the holder upside of the head.

We have wondered and talked about why people who have been on "today," seem not to have taken the time to give a simple 5 word or less response to an email. I think that this is the reason that Ed was venting and asking for advise today.

There are likely several reasons, as discussed above. Basic rudeness, basic inclination to do so, needing to get together with the spouse to discuss, etc.

For myself, I'll send an e-mail when I'm in a mood to do so. If I get an e-mail in the morning just as I'm walking out the door, and then life hits me upside the head, you may well not get an e-mail for a bit. I'm not on anyone else's timetable but my own, and to be considered rude for not living up to someone else's timetable and expectations, especially someone I don't even know, seems a bit unreasonable. I'm having enough issues with responding to some of my friends and family in a timely manner to get dissed on not responding to perfect strangers elsewhere.

This is one reason why I hate SLS and other sites - I don't like people knowing when I'm online or when I open an e-mail. It sets the clock running as to others' expectations and that's unrealistic and vaguely stalking, actually. If my friends and family in my regular life can't see when I open an email or when I'm online, why should anyone else?

So we understand when you ask us to consider that people have busy lives outside of all of the lifestyle. But, at the same time, please understand that newbies don't know the rules of the game.

I'm not going to set different standards for swingers versus anyone else. If I just have to wait in regular life until someone chooses to respond, then the same applies to SLS or PMs. If I never get a response, then I can either try again, or just don't bother any further, but I work very hard to try not to get up in arms about it. Further, if someone is going to get pissed or have expectations about response times, then maybe they aren't someone that I want to deal with in my non-traditional sex life.

I rather get a no thanks, no way, nice try, or you've been deleted...heehee...than no response at all.

Sure, we'd all like that. And hopefully, you'd get at least that in a week or two. It just isn't necessarily going to happen on your timetable, but on their timetable.

Or not at all, if that's how they operate.

I will note that if you do put it out there that you expect a response, be prepared for those that will make sure they don't comply. I'll admit to being one that doesn't like being told what to do and how to do it, even if it's just a "please respond w/in 5 days." etc. And I know if I even hint an expectation to a few friends or my spouse, they will blow it off, unless it's a "real" situation that requires a timely response.

Bottom line, people are going to do things the way they want, in the time frame they want, in any arena, whether that's right or wrong, polite or rude, etc. I try to be more realistic in my expectations, I guess, with friends and coworkers, and try to eliminate expectations with strangers on SLS, etc., because it's not realistic. It saves my sanity and creates better relations with others.

I hate to say it, but although we try to answer all the emails we get on SLS in a timely fashion, sometimes it will take us a week or two. Like the Spoo's, we only answer emails together, so while we may both read them on separate occasions and leave them marked unread so we remember them, it often takes a while for us both to be available at one time to answer them. We do state this in our profile though, for those that actually read our profile. The only ones we don't answer at all are ones from those who obviously didn't read our profile at all. We figure if they couldn't read our profile in the first place, they probably wouldn't understand our response either, so we just delete those.

We state in our profile that if you don't have decent, up-to-date pix of BOTH of you, AND a well thought out profile...and that you read our WHOLE profile, you will not get a response. Although that has never deterred anyone from sending an email with 1 liners in their profile and only a pic of the female or a back shot of the mail. They never get a reply!

If it is obvious that the writer either did not read our whole profile or is simply mass messaging everyone, I generally don't bother to reply.

I am sure this has been asked before, But.....What is the deal with people who wont even give you a reply to say they are not interested. Even worse we have one now who hasnt even opened our email but we can see has been online. I mean, I can understand when conversations just drop off for lack of intrest, but to not even reply to a first email...How common is this and how do you feel about it?

There are many reasons. Sometimes it is a case of being rude and just not replying because maybe they fear that their reply will offend you. It's a hard call. Some people can take a polite "thanks but no thanks" and others just can't and won't take it for an answer without a detailed reply of why it's a no. So sometimes we choose not to reply at all.

Sometimes it may be that you didn't give them enough to reply to. if you are sending emails to people who's profiles don't really match yours, or if you are just emailing with a "hey we like your profile email us if interested" type response then they also have a good reason for not replying.

In other case it may not be a matter of rudeness but it may be a matter of forgetfulness. Often couples like to reply together. One partner might open the message and then it gets lost in the "read' file and they forget to reply. This may also be the case on your one who has been online but hasn't read the message... they may be saving it until they know they can read it and reply together, rather than risking forgetting to reply.

Things happen, sometimes we just get caught up with life and we have good intentions but they don't always follow through. My suggestion, don't worry about it. Email people if you want and if you don't hear back you don't hear back, let it go. If you are really interested you may try emailing them again later and reminding them that you did email before but didn't hear back and you'd like to know if they are or are not interested.

There are many reasons. Sometimes it is a case of being rude and just not replying because maybe they fear that their reply will offend you. It's a hard call. Some people can take a polite "thanks but no thanks" and others just can't and won't take it for an answer without a detailed reply of why it's a no. So sometimes we choose not to reply at all.

We've fallen into this one. We had a couple send us a nasty-gram because we used a generic thanks but no thank message for them. In two sentences or 10, we still weren't interested.

Sometimes it may be that you didn't give them enough to reply to. if you are sending emails to people who's profiles don't really match yours, or if you are just emailing with a "hey we like your profile email us if interested" type response then they also have a good reason for not replying.

Right. If you put it in the message that they are to email you if interested, aren't you asking for them not to email if they aren't?

In other case it may not be a matter of rudeness but it may be a matter of forgetfulness. Often couples like to reply together. One partner might open the message and then it gets lost in the "read' file and they forget to reply. This may also be the case on your one who has been online but hasn't read the message... they may be saving it until they know they can read it and reply together, rather than risking forgetting to reply.

Drew checks our account every day, but in my case dinner, or laundry, or a tv show, or running, or whatever prevents me from checking every day.

My suggestion, don't worry about it. Email people if you want and if you don't hear back you don't hear back, let it go.

Amen. If someone didn't right back to you, they're missing out on meeting someone wonderful. Their loss.

Pepper

We don't reply to everyone, for any number of reasons, and we aren't offended if someone doesn't reply to us. If someone isn't interested I don't need to have a list of reasons why or even a message saying so. Not replying tells me you aren't interested. This is a small community, chances are good that if you are somewhat active, you'll run into some of these people either at a party, a club, or wherever, then you can introduce yourself personally if you like, and see if you click.

Bottom line, don't sweat it, don't take it personally.

Here's my reason I don't always reply, or reply as fast as I'd like: I'm a free member on SLS and SDC...those websites only allow me to reply to one email per day. Sometimes I read all the emails and reply to the most likely candidate, sometimes I just reply to the person who emailed first. It's definitely a problem with being a free member, but it's not worth it to me to purchase a full membership when we meet most of our play partners at a club anyway, but the free membership does enable us to get invites to local parties so we keep it.

Here's my reason I don't always reply, or reply as fast as I'd like: I'm a free member on SLS and SDC...those websites only allow me to reply to one email per day. Sometimes I read all the emails and reply to the most likely candidate, sometimes I just reply to the person who emailed first. It's definitely a problem with being a free member, but it's not worth it to me to purchase a full membership when we meet most of our play partners at a club anyway, but the free membership does enable us to get invites to local parties so we keep it.

Heres another duh moment for us. I can see what you are saying. Sorta annoys me. I pay for my membership, so to get my full service it shouldnt cost you your 1 email a day to respond if I send you something. Responses to paid members shouldnt count.

We reply to initial contact from everyone, but..... some we have had some occassions where I thought it best not to reply later.

One couple we politely said no, we're not interested now. A month later we had an email "How about now?" - what do you say? :lol

Another, we usually open a gallery of our pics (G rated with faces) if we're interested. We reserve all our private pics for people we've actually met. I told them to view the gallery, let us know. They also said they opened up their private pics, but when we tried to view them, they were still private.

I sent a nice email, saying hey can't see you pics? No response..... until, I closed our gallery to them almost 2 weeks later, then we get an email asking if "we had figured it out yet because they'd really like to see our private pics." WTF! Thought it best I not respond to that one:surrend:

I know this is a very annoying issue but look at the bright side someone like that dosent deserve to care about there are millions of swingers all over the world am sure u could find more caring people easily.

Being a newbie and having a very busy life outside of swinging, I can see both sides of this. Yeah, part of me would prefer a quick response, even if it's something along the lines of, "will reply with more later." *BUT* I also know how tough it is to find time when both my honey and are alone without kids, and I can get him in front of the computer ('cause he's in front of one all danged day) long enough to show him an email. And then there's the figuring out how we want to respond. But we always respond. Then again, we don't get that many emails that it's an issue.

Sigh . . .

i have a couple of non-nude body shots on my profile and the emails i generally don't respond to are those that just say 'can we see a pic' and nothing else. i find that so rude!

i also get really annoyed with the single line 'we want to meet you' emails.

i generally don't answer the stereotypical single male emails as well (the polite ones I do).

Then again, we don't get that many emails that it's an issue.

 

Sigh . . .

It's the Steelers paraphernalia in your pics...

Sincerely

A Browns Fan

Spoomonkey

We make it a point to respond to all emails wheter we're interested or not. If we write somebody and they write back and we've seen they'be been on a few times in the past week, then we block them.

Its time for this topic again I see.

Interesting last time I posted my opinion on this I got a very nasty PM from a long time lurker, never poster about what a jerk I was, but I'll shoot again.

The 'they were busy, wanted to show their spouse, etc' are all true reasons. I once missed what would have been a very promising couple because I somehow missed their email and then found it, 4 months later. Opps.

These are not the main reasons.

The main reason is plain and simple, they are not interested. They see they have an email from you, they click on your profile, go 'yuck' for some reason and don't bother opening the mail so they can sort of pretend they haven't been able to look at it.

There is no nice way to say no. Sure EVERYONE says they want a reply, even if its a not interested they will understand. I say bullshit. When we did say no, as politely as we could it would sometimes be taken mildly. Other times we got hate mail, or worse the 'desperate' swinger mail where they practically beg you to give them a chance.

I'd say maybe 50% of our mails have been ignored for whatever reason, and now we do the same. Of the 50 who do reply maybe 80% of those never seem to get beyond the intro stage, especially if they are a new couple.

So no, we don't reply to everyone, rude perhaps, but it seems to be how the game is played. Honestly I'd rather be ignored at this point then have someone who is obviously compatible on paper say 'not interested' because no one likes being rejected on looks. I can pretend they just didn't get around to the mail

It's the Steelers paraphernalia in your pics...

 

Sincerely

 

A Browns Fan

 

Spoomonkey

Alas, the old adage proved true. If something seems to be too good to be true . . .

At least we can be PROUD of our team!

Wow, what a firestorm I created. Usualy when I post on other types of forums I seem to kill threads. LOL

I do thank all for the replies. They have made us look at things a little differently. We do plan on trying to be a little more patient.

Here we go again!

"Welcome to the wonderful world of Internet swinging!"

This is part and parcel. After a while, you'll become immune and it won't bother you that much.

Best of luck and Happy Holidays to you!

This happens to us as well, it's very annoying. Although we hate not getting that meeting, we do appreciate the courtesty email.