Husband can't handle seeing wife with other men

Hi,

My wife has just recently joined this site. And we were all set to start swinging. BUT after the first experience with swapping I've become completely turned off by the thought of her with someone else. I had such a negative feeling about this that I've told her I wont do another swap.

I don't think I'll be able to handle ever seeing this again. I know she wants to play and she is BI so I suggested that she just stick to women to keep me sane. And no I dont expect to be with any woman she's with. Just there with her!

I just don't think I can deal with it again. I feel like I've let her down and this has caused stress and negative feelings. Not to mention fighting, yelling, and crying.

Am I being unreasonable? All I ever wanted was to make this woman happy I love her more then life itself.

So what do ya think?

daisy 13, Wow...what a let down, huh? sorry things didn't turn out better for you, but with so little information it's rather difficult to really understand the situation. The immediate questions that come to mind are, why did you decide to swing? Did you talk much about your respective fantasies before venturing into making them happen? Have you been together long? How did she react to seeing you with another woman? Are you two open, honest and able to communicate well? How did this swap come about...was it planned or did it just happen spontaneously? The yelling, crying and such is rather disturbing, because I would hope that this was something that you both wanted to explore together as FUN, and it sounds like it turned into just the opposite. I guess the bottom line is, swinging isn't for everyone, and sometimes fantasies should remain just that. Maybe you could try the bi-thing, but you really need to talk and especially listen to what each other really thinks about the whole situation. Best of luck, and I really hope that things work out well for both of you.

Fighting---Yelling---Crying are key words in a relationship that means communication is going on. At least you haven't fester thoses feelings inside then have a real blow out.

We have yet to do our full swap and will do so sometime after I "J" return from overseas (world situations).

I wonder how long you two talked about this before jumping into it. It sounds like you did some talking before hand and then said, "let's do it". What I am thinking and I could be wrong here, but maybe you two moved too fast. Were any baby steps taken at all? "K" and I talked for about 2 months everyday about swinging (before acting on it) and still do (for 8 months now), but not so much on a daily issue.

I will never forget the first time I saw a man of a cpl kiss my wife in a sexual matter. Did it bug me? No--it didn't because I knew I was going to get a chance to do the same thing with another woman. It was weird seeing it for the first time, but it didn't get to me. We told ourselves that we will take "Baby-Steps" until we BOTH feel ready to jump into it. I have prepared myself mentally to accept the fact there will be a day I will see my wife of 9+ yrs getting banged by another man. Does it turn me on? No it doesn't. I am not like most men who would enjoy just watching the wife have sex. I told myself that I will have to accept it. What helps me the most is I am not a watcher---i am a player---which means to me that I am going to be banging on another woman at the same time. Does that turn my wife on seeing me with another woman---of course not she has told me. We both love eachother so much and our marriage is strong. We turn eachother on the most. Someone else is just pure sex---not love sex (we have that).

We have taken the baby steps that are needed to do this and still will until the time comes and we BOTH say it is alright to full swap. going slow gives both of you a chance to explore a little at a time. just like a baby learning to walk. Remember---you must crawl before you can walk. From the sounds of it you guys just skip the crawl and went straight for the walk. Your walk took you to a big stumble. Now you have to get up and fix your boo-boo from the fall.

Is this something she wants alone or she wants to involve you at the same time? Are you a watcher or partaker?

My advice is to step back and re-group. Do some more talking, but not in a harsh way to start fighting/crying. Start over, but in a slow way. Get to know the man that will be involved with your wife. You must feel comfortable with him before you let him bang your lady. At the same time you might want to explore with cpls and not so much singles or just cpls that want your wife solo. That way there are two sexes there and not just a male. Maybe if another lady is giving you attention you like it might dampen your fears and feelings seeing her with another man because you can have fun too.

Look at it as a lesson learned and how you two can fix it so both of you will be happy---not just one, but BOTH.

Hang in there!!!! You aren't alone out there and neither is your wife---she is still with you right? See---she loves you, not the other man---it is sex in a physical way and not emotional. She has you and not the man she has been with.

TALK_TALK_TALK!!!!!! Good Luck!!!!

I looked at your profile. You jumped in this way too fast. 2 weeks is too fast in my opinion. Don't get me wrong. Every couple's relationship or reason for swinging is different.

The thought of swinging is fantastic. Fantasizing during our play time gets us both hot and turned on in an unusual way. The truth is that alot of issues can arise when you two make it real. The couples here would recommend that you two both read through alot of information here regarding swinging. Ask questions.

My wife and I visit this site (very seldom as of late) to gain an understanding of swinging. We started by way of fantasy. We then hit this site searching for off-premise parties close to our area. Never knew there was an on/off-premise party. We were learning. Finally we attended a swinger social function and had a blast. We became members of this site and have met very fine people here.

The point is that what's done is done. Learn from it. Now take the time to put swinging into perspective. Set rules, Set boundaries, Make up an "I'm uncomfortable-gotta stop" signal and stick by them! Define what it is that both of you are looking for in a single, couple or group. They will change over time.

I love my wife more than life itself too. As she does me. You are both in this together. She should respect your wishes too! Don't do this for her. Do it for you both!

Your situation does have some gaps.There are alot of questions that have been proposed by sportync. Another good statement was "Swinging isn't for everyone".

Take J&K's TALK_TALK_TALK.

I would add...Talk some more. Good luck and hopefully you two can work this one out.

Cisco, where'd you get the 2 weeks thing? I've read through all 3 posts from this couple and didn't see that (or anything in their profile).

Daisy, from reading your wife's posts and now yours it really sounds like you guys are doing ok. Have you read her posts? If not, you probably should. Granted she did sound a bit dissapointed but overall I think that you guys sound as tho you are communicating and that you will be fine. From the tone of both of your posts it really sounds like you both just want the other to be comfortable in whatever situation may arise and for you to both enjoy it.

Originally posted by daisy13

I just dont think I can deal with it again. I feel like i've let her down and this has caused stress and negitive feelings. Not to mention fighting, yelling, and crying.

The most important thing, which Julie said, is that you are communicating. That in my opinion is 99% of the battle here. I think if you read thru you wife's posts you will see that she was concerned for your feelings as much as you are expressing yours for her now.

Keep talking. Your love and commitment for each other will provide the best answers for how you approach/view swinging in the future.

Keep in mind that swinging is not an activity that is for everyone and some activities we try may not suit us as a couple. Talk to each other and find out what your balance is, it could be as you suggested or it could be that you need to step away all together.

Either way you can look at it as lessons learned and move forward from there.

Lori

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Originally posted by JustAskJulie

Cisco, where'd you get the 2 weeks thing? I've read through all 3 posts from this couple and didn't see that (or anything in their profile).

 

 

I was going off of the date registered on the profile. Maybe I assumed a little too much here.

Thanks for all your help and support! We appreciate the honest thought and advice! To answer some questions, yes we have talked about swinging, on and off, for about one year. We really had initially discussed bringing another lady into our partnership, but then we spoke of a couple. It turns out, around the time that discussion began, he ran into an old friend, they began to talk, and the next thing you know, we all went out together to see if we all "clicked" to all swing together. Perhaps the convience of knowing these people appealed to my husband and enticed him into fully swapping at first, I'm not sure. Anyway, we all went out 2-3 times and then decided to get a hotel room and play. we all discussed what our rules would be: no oral and all playing in the same room at all time. Well, I guess the hubby wasn't as prepared as he thought he was to see me with another man. He freaked out! (not at the time, but after). I can understand the shock and respect all his feelings. I guess what just got me is he's to dead againest even entertaining the idea of swapping again. He agrees to let the ladies play and the men to be with their spouses. I think what's disappointing to me is that it feels like it will never happen. I don't like the closed-mindedness of his thinking. Anyway, thanks for your help!~ Anyother comments/thoughts will be appreciated!

I think it isn't uncommon for folks just starting out to overstep the comfort level of one or the other spouse, even when everything's spelled out and agreed to up front.

In our very first experience we had a similar situation only it was the other female who freaked and it wasn't afterwards, it was during. On the plus side, we (as the other couple) were clued in to what was going on, and it allowed us to offer to make accomodations. You might consider doing the same.

It's difficult to take what you might consider a step backwards, but it may also provide your husband with an opportunity to deal with his emotions in a positive way. His reaction was neither wrong nor uncommon, and is something I think we have all dealt with to some degree or another at times.

The impulse when your starting out is to try everything right away. Not always the best idea because it makes it tough to sort through what you like and don't like. Kind of like sexual gluttony.

By involving the other couple in the process (assuming there's a mutual attraction), it doesn't have to be a yes/no thing, but one where you can limit and enjoy a level of involvement that is mutually agreeable, and my guess would be he's not always going to get that proprietary gut shot if pleasing you and the other wife becomes more of a team effort.

From the tone of Mr. Daisy it sounds like he is pretty normal. Most guys just don't even consider the idea of watching or knowing that there lady is getting banged to be a turn on, but quite pointedly a real threat to their security.

The man doesn't like the idea. So in my opinion that's that. Find something you both enjoy. Maybe I'm being too shallow but if my wife didn't like it (if I had one lol), then it just would be something I would use to fantasize with but would feel for the sake of the marriage then I'd have to drop the whole idea.

I have seen people change over the years also. Maybe some day you will change, but maybe not too. Mrs. Daisy sounds like she is very disappointing, but that's ok, a relationship is a give and take thing. Sometimes you don't get what you want, but you find other means to enjoy your lives together. I give MR. Daisy a whole lot of credit for trying, and credit for his honesty.

John.

In the time we have posted here, my wife and I have gone from being "wanna-be's" to "soft swingers". Our situation is this:

Wwe have been married for 10 years, and my wife strictly likes to play with women. That's it. End of story. She says she has no desire to be with another man. I believe her, too (wow...a trusting relationship!) Two men are there while we play, but each stays with his/her own. Except the ladies. That's a free-for-all. My wife is definitely bi, and she loves the feel and taste of another woman. People have said to us here, "never say never! She will want another man soon". B.S. No one knows us except for what we post here. It won't happen. I don't want her with another man..the sight of a sweaty hairy ass pounding her does nothing for me. She doesn't want me with another woman, and I have no desire there either.  AS STRANGE AS THAT SOUNDS!

We have communicated our desires, and are confident that they will never be broken. We love having same-room sex with this other couple we are with, but the swapping will never happen for us, because WE DON'T FIND IT AROUSING. Some people like watching their significant other with a member of the opposite sex. WE DON'T. It's all up to the couples. YOU guys set your rules and STICK with them. If one person doesn't agree, then DON'T SWING! Jealousy will make a fun situation a miserable one. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Tell her what your desire is about future encounters. Then hear her desires. If you're on the same page, then you are good to go. If not. STOP, REGROUP, and reevaluate how you want it to proceed. Don't let ANYONE ELSE set your ground rules. You ask if you are being unreasonable. Why ask someone else's opinion??

This is about you and your wife and your relationship. Our opinion should mean nothing; since we are not the ones who determine your limits. YOU GUYS do that. IT IS YOUR DECISION! And if we don't like the limits, then OH WELL! (I don't mean all that in a mean way, I'm just trying to make a point)

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Originally posted by hotcpl4unfla

People have said to us here, "never say never! She will want another man soon". B.S. No one knows us except for what we post here. It won't happen. I don't want her with another man..the sight of a sweaty hairy ass pounding her does nothing for me. She doesn't want me with another woman, and I have no desire there either. AS STRANGE AS THAT SOUNDS!

I would like to address your anger here. I took the liberty to read ALL of your posts from when you first joined this site as I couldn't figure out why someone be so angry about a statement such as "Never say Never", it's used all the time.

As it turns out I was one of those people that said that in a posting you.

Now lets take a look at this for a moment.

When the terminology of "Never say Never" is used in the swinging community it generally refers to the fact that overtime people adjust their rules and boundaries. From having read all your posts now, I see where you have changed yours quite drastically since you first began posting. Yes you are still committed to only being with your own spouses, but you were first looking for a bi-fem. Being that they were so elusive, you looked into a couple and you were set on having the men sit back, jerk off and enjoy watching the girls explore.

In the thread listed above which was your first soft swap you were making love to your wife while she was fondling and fingering the other woman. Wouldn''t you say that something changed from your original rules or intentions that you had?

No one here was saying that you or your wife are going to eventually swap partners. We were just suggesting that you keep your mind open, as who knows how much further you'll go than what you originally planned. You may end up in a big king size bed with both men going at their partners while the girls are having a little fun themselves or maybe more. It is all still soft swap and there is nothing wrong with that.

For the record NO ONE here said she will want another man soon. That is what you read into something that was never said as the above thread will show. The words you stated which were "We will never swap" was quoted and then an opinion was given on learning to keep an open mind. No one here would ever try to tell you just how your swinging life is going to turn out. Only you have the power over that.

Lori

Julie's oft repeated slogan that "there are as many different types of swingers as there are swingers" is fitting here. No one is right, wrong, or better at swinging than anyone else considering there personal choice of how they play. What works for one couple may seem like a total turn-off for the next. But its just gotta be fun for both.

My guy lost it after our first full swap this weekend. Profiles have come down from different web sites. He says never again will he watch me with another man, and he is slightly upset with me that I was not jealous about seeing him with another woman. I just couldn't get upset; she was great, and the only way I would have gotten jealous is if she overstepped some imaginary boundaries that I have, but she didn't. It was a 4 some, not a 2 some with 2 watching the other 2. Neither of us were left on the sidelines, so to speak. I don't get the jealousy especially as this was his idea in the first place! We have been soft playing with other females for over a year and have talked this over and over, and over some more. He felt he would love to see me with another man. His opinion now is there will only ever be another woman in bed with us, never another couple! I'm okay with that; I don't need another guy, but I'm not okay with his jealousy, and I need to understand why it happened.

I hope you won’t think me forward, but I’d say don’t be too hard on your husband, even if seeing you with another man was originally his idea.

On boards such as this, in books and programs and films on sexuality, and in manuals on how to spice up sex lives, there are cautionary tales about the possible dangers of turning fantasies into reality. But, as far as I’m aware, until that transition is actually made, there is no sure-fire way of knowing if something that excites a person in their mind will still excite them when it happens before their very eyes. You can talk and talk until your vocal cords seize up, but how you react to that transition is impossible to predict with 100% certainty.

For whatever reason, the reality of this particular occasion did not live up to your husband’s fantasy. Only he can tell you why not, and only you will know how far you want to / should pursue the answers. From what you’ve said of his reaction thus far, it’s probably a safe bet that it will require a deft approach.

If you are content with the “women only from now on” situation, it might help to allow some time to pass before you pursue those answers. Perhaps, if it feels right to you both, you could return things to the fantasy stage. If in the midst of fantasizing your husband recalls actually seeing you with another man, he may find himself drawing pleasure from his memories. This may enable him to find a clearer perspective on the event, which in turn may allow him to overcome his jealousy and begin to enjoy the realisation of his fantasy.

If it ever happens you do meet a cpl you want to full swap with (and I know it will never happen) I would like to suggest that if the thought of her sleeping with another man doesn't bother you but the sight of it does, why not just do seperate room. We know several cpls who don't like to watch and only do seperate room. (We are fine either way):evil:

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Originally posted by Brit_Pair

...until that transition is actually made, there is no sure-fire way of knowing if something that excites a person in their mind will still excite them when it happens before their very eyes. ...

Exactly. Imagination is no match for the reality of being there.

river, I think you should talk to him, if he'll open up to you, about what he's feeling. Communication now is just as important as before your weekend. Remember, it's only been a few days, and he may be confused too. It may take him a little while to be able to articulate exactly what bothers him, but maybe together you can help each other make sense of it.

I would have to think that the huge majority of men would be jealous in this situation. That is why swingers are a very tiny minority of the population.

Normal is a matter of perspective. His feelings would be considered normal by most peoples standards.

This is a great topic for those considering swinging.

If you can agree on how each partner will react if they get jealous or angry beforehand then it reduces hard feelings after the fact. You just go on and say "hey it didn't work".

So, in summary, dump the bastard and come to Florida.

JUST KIDDING HONEST!!

Oh John, you made me laugh again! That helped, it really did. Practically crying my eyes out lately, so it was sure nice to smile at this.

Reality did not live up to his fantasy for whatever reasons. And, after what Brit said, I approached that same statement to him, and he seemed to agree. His comment though of "it is all he thinks about" scares me a little. I certainly don't want M to look at me and only see this other guy, but it is still fresh. I'm willing to forgo the couple thing; I felt the only reason why we got into that aspect was for the female (sorry to the guy), but it has been said here a million times it is hard to fine that elusive single female. I would much rather play that way myself.

We also spent a lot of time talking with this couple and we really hit it off; M agrees with this "guy included". We all clicked and I think that might have hurt the situation at the time. We certainly do not want to end up in bed with people we don't like, LOL. That is not what I am implying, but maybe we should have left it for another time instead of heading to the bedroom. Our conversations we so involved in our separate interests outside of this lifestyle, that M and I were so not feeling sexual!

Maybe those games everyone talks about would have helped in this situation to get things more towards the sensual aspects of all of this.

We never go out so to speak but once or twice a month. This is my rule, I like to keep things balanced away from this lifestyle as we have so many other interests too, but I think I should head this guy out this weekend for some innocent soft play with just the girls and try to give him a fun evening. You know all the girls all over him, and no guy touching me. I know he loves this, what man wouldn't like to be the center of attention and all, LOL, and hopefully this will calm him down and he will open up a little more than he has done in the past week. Got the plan all figured here! As soon as I can, I plan on calling in the "troups", and they will just love him up like crazy.

I want him to know that just because he didn't like the couple thing, he still has me and his other fantasies. Sounds rather unselfish; sorry not the case. This is for me too. I like my girlfriends just as much as he does!!!!

I hope this plan isn't too soon though. Could be, not sure at all anymore which way to go. He always loves those evenings and seems to open up more. Hope I'm right and it doesn't add more fuel to the fires already burning here. I'm sure I will rethink this 20 times today during work.

And John, wouldn't you have just died, if I said I was on my way!!!!!

Firstly, kudos to you for the even-handed approach you’ve taken to dealing with this situation. You’re not giving up on your own desires, but you’re not ignoring your husband’s feelings and needs either. Like so many things in life, it’s all about balance.

I doubt very much that your husband will look at you and only see the other guy for long. His comment about it being “all he thinks about” is driven by the fact that his emotions are still raw, and like those people who can’t resist probing a loose tooth with their tongues, or prodding partly-healed wounds with their fingers, it’s likely he’s picking at the memory of your experience in a sort of masochistic fervour. Give him time. Human beings retain little, if any, memory of pain, and his will fade. From the way you’re setting about tackling the situation, I’d say his pain will fade sooner rather than later.

Perhaps this is the time for communication: the more active parts of your plan can always be put into effect later, when you feel sure that you’re both ready for it.

Hope things work out for you.

While I agree, river248, with those that posted about not being hard on your husband and that reality is much different than fantasy, I have a different take on your follow up posting.

I think that you need to work through the emotions of your first encounter before attempting another with anyone, even if it does not involve another man. I have several reasons for thinking this.

Based on what I have interpreted and what you have written, it sounds as tho you are trying to console his emotions rather than talk about them and resolve the initial problem. Sort of like, when a kid wants some cheap toy in the check out line at the grocery and to quiet them you spot something that is better for your pocketbook or them and toss it in the cart to appease them.

I think that if you don't work through this prior to any future encounter, you will resent it and the main issue would not have been dealt with therefore it will crop up again.

I say this because even though we are a full swap couple (and are comfortable with it) , we had an instance where my husband was upset by the interaction between myself and another male. It took him days to finally tell me what the problem was and in his thinking it was much similar to what your husband feelings were. Even though this was not our first encounter, it bothered him greatly as he had never seen me so sexually open before with someone besides him. In a sense it was more like a first time experience on my part and on his viewing part. It took us several weeks to work through it, with a concentration on talking about it aand whether or not we wanted to continue swinging. Had we not done so, I am sure the problem would have resurfaced and been even more harmful to our own relationship. Talking it over though, we both gained a better understanding of each other and what place swinging has in our lives.

This incident is history and we laugh about it now, but it wasn't funny at the time.

Lori

You are right Lori. I tend to do that often in our relationship; just find something that he likes better and make it all go away.

There is no denying that I was furious with him over this incident. Really furious...I never expected it! I keep coming back to it was his idea in the first place, but lets face it, if I didn't want it I wouldn't have done it. We decided on the girl play at first because he finds that a turn on but also I love it (so his unrealistic idea to me a year ago wasn't that heart destroying after all at least in my mind). As I said we ended up here as a way to diversify if that is the right word; meet people who think like we do. Where else do you go in one's fantasy turned reality but to another couple. We talked about this so much before it happened, that I felt we had already covered the issues of jealousy, but seriously we played it over that I would be the one dealing with the jealousy and only touched lightly on the chance that it would be him jealous. He isn't a real open guy, but again let it be something he doesn't like, and I will soon find out as in the case this weekend.

Because we felt that I would be the one most likely to get jealous we set rules so that hopefully this wouldn't happen, and felt that swinging with other couples would really be the best way. After all we (I) wanted to find secure responsible people in their own lives and posting on boards we were able to weed through multiple posts and talking with a lot of different couples seemed the best option. We felt that we found a great couple; not one reason could we come up with to say this wasn't the couple for us. Nothing should have went wrong, thought I had the bases covered. It just feels like all of this talking and screening people, and all the other stuff that has gone into swinging has been a complete waste of time if he ended up with the attitude that he did, and your right, I want to make it go away like a bad nightmare! Let him off the hook for his horrendous attitude of late, and life will go on as if this never happened; hopefully, maybe, doubt it. Trying to get him to open up about his feelings without calming him down first will not happen though, this I have learned, and he is playing it to the hilt on "you just liked it too much"; explain that to me someone please! You like it or you don't, what is too much when it comes to sex, I thought liking it was what it was all about!!!!!

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Originally posted by river248

Trying to get him to open up about his feelings without calming him down first will not happen though, this I have learned, and he is playing it to the hilt on "you just liked it too much"; explain that to me someone please! You like it or you don't, what is too much when it comes to sex, I thought liking it was what it was all about!!!!!A&M

I may be wrong, but that last part seems indicative of the stereotypical male reaction on seeing his wife/partner enjoying sex with another man:

"Yes, you can enjoy it, of course you can enjoy it, what's the point in doing it otherwise, but you can't enjoy it TOO MUCH, because, let's not forget, I'M your man, and no one is supposed to be able to give you pleasure as well as I can, because I HAVE TO BE BETTER THAN HE IS!"

Perhaps an exaggeration, or an over-simplification, of your partner's train of thought, but those are the sorts of thoughts that last paragraph of yours triggered.

I'd certainly echo Lori's comments about working through the emotions of the first encounter before even thinking about arranging a second. I think I made similar - if vague - sorts of noises in my previous posts, but I'm nailing my colours to the mast this time. I'd say you need to seriously discuss these issues before you go any further. The sort of insecurity your partner is displaying needs to addressed before things get any more complex.

Your posting hits home for me in several ways. We too set every rule and boundry ever written by swingers. The problem is, not every rule or boundry suits every couple.

My husband is a very quiet man when it comes to emotions. Rarely does he raise his voice (although at times I wish he would), he goes into extemely silent mode when he is upset or bothered by something which is worse to me than anything, if he would utter something at I would know what he was thinking. UGH! Anyway.... My husband was the one to bring up swinging to us, he is also the same one that thought he didn't need any more information about emotions that can come along with it. I on the other hand sought all the information that I could get, with this board being the one that really helped me to ground myself and be prepared for what could arise. (A quick thanks to Julie for providing this outlet, as this board sometimes directly, sometimes not so directly, has helped us to overcome situations that could have been detrimental to our personal relationship.)

I don't know if this can compare to your situation but the incident that I spoke about which happened between us and another couple was one that happened on a first meeting with a couple. We knew each other through basically emails and phone conversations. Sort of the same that you did with this couple you met. We got along, hit it off, had a lot in common. We met for dinner and then went to a swing club where you could afford to be more open. I got caught up in the moment and actually moved at a faster pace than what my husband was. My husband let me know it in subtle ways that he was disturbed by my actions. This particular incident, after much talk, caused us to revise our rules in that we will never swing on a first time encounter again. For my husband, he needs to feel like he really knows the other male and they connect on a level outside of just swapping wives. When he has that connection with them, he has no problem my sexual interaction with another man, in fact he encourages it and prods for more. Had we not discussed the matter, UNTIL we got to the meat of the problem, it would have just festered on both of our parts.

This is why I say you need to talk about it and do nothing further, if ever again (whatever the end result is) until you have gotten to the root of the problem. It sounds to me like more of an insecurity problem rather than one of jealousy. Just don't let it turn in to guilt for either of you.

Lori

Originally posted by Brit_Pair

The sort of insecurity your partner is displaying needs to addressed before things get any more complex.

Lori

This topic deals with the exact same thing that we have just been through. My husband and I started out joking around about swinging, then talked seriously about it for over a year, then spent another several months trying to find a cool couple to get to know and play with. Once we swapped, my husband was not so sure if he wanted to do that again; he said he was okay with everything but that. I was a bit bummed, as I was almost completely okay with seeing him with another girl (there's always that tiny bit of - not jealously - but more of a sentimental feeling for me when seeing him playing with someone else). But I also found it very erotic. But that's okay, he comes first, and so I told him that I understood, and that we should only do what we both are okay with. It turned out that the next time we got together with the other couple, he was more okay with swapping than he thought! This lifestyle does take some getting used to, and, as everyone always says "communication, communication, communication!

kycpl4bifem brought up a good idea too:

"I would like to suggest that if the thought of her sleeping with another man doesn't bother you but the sight of it does, why not just do seperate room. We know several cpls who don't like to watch and only do seperate room. (We are fine either way)"

We don't do separate room swap exactly; we do alternating threesomes. One of the guys plays video games or something while the other three of us play around, then we switch off. It seems to work great. The guys don't have to watch their girl with the other guy, and everyone still gets to play every which way. My husband said he's totally cool with this. Hey, whatever works!

- Mrs. Sex Monster

Well I didn't take M out to make it all better, and wow I am shocked; he did open up some more about it. He saw the whole thing differently than I did (of course and typical, LOL). When I said we were a 4-sum, he didn't agree. He felt that it was a complete swap though in the same room, and that isn't what he wants right now. He liked the idea given here of a 3-sum while the other plays video games or something. He could just keep himself busy when it wasn't his turn, and then he would not have to witness everything. He feels that had there been more interaction during the event between him and I, then he wouldn't have been as jealous! Well, I would rather he not be jealous at all, but he feels there will always be a tinge, but would rather it be something he could control instead of this recent outburst. At least the "nasty comments" (my opinion there) have ended and he seems open to trying it again, but neither of us are ready just yet, and fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it), we have a rather busy schedule coming up for the next couple of weekends thus putting swinging completely off the board as an option which will give us more time to talk about it. We have talked to the couple since about everyday things, but haven't told them anything of our emotional rollercoaster yet, and was wondering if we should? Would it help or scare them away? I suppose both are possibilities that we just have to deal with.

Thanks everyone for their input, we got some great advice for this trying time.

I'm glad you guys are talking A LOT about this. I wouldn't think that the other couple really needs to know about the whole "emotional roller coaster". In our case, we were just planning on telling the other couple that while we really enjoyed spending time with them, we just wanted to take a break from the full swap thing for a bit to figure out if that was for us or not, if that was cool with them. (Of couse, the way it worked out, we didn't end up having to do that anyway.)

Also, Mr. Sex Monster got an XBox recently, and you can barely tear him away from it. That can keep a guy quite occupied while the other three play - maybe too occupied!

- Mrs. Sex Monster

My Hubby is the same, he can be very uncommunicative about his feelings, over time I have found different ways of reading his feeling though expression, body language and it has opened my eyes.

We had our first full swap last month and to be honest I was very unsure about how he was feeling on the way home, he was very quite (I was getting worried). My fears were unfounded (thank heavens) because it turns out he was trying to put his own feelings on what had just happened together. All I can say is some men take to swinging very easily others take a little time some will never be able to, what they once wanted, isn't right for them.

We have since discussed whether we want to continue down this path and it looks like we will be, but to make sure of it we have taken a month or so to step back and think. WE will be meeting the couple again sometime in April and boy am I looking forward to it, and from the huge grin every time I mention it I'd say he is too

Basically every man will deal with swinging in his own way, the same as we (the ladies) do.

Good luck to you both.