What questions do you ask potential partners about their sexual history?

So I was wondering what kind of questions you ask people about their sexual history before you get with them? I know that I ask questions because I don't want to be with someone who has been with people that are questionable, or can't answer the simple questions I ask. Maybe I'm just paranoid about getting an STD or something, but the reason I ask is that there is this one girl who is "wild" and she's told me about some of the things she has done etc., but I don't know how "safe" she has been and it's hard for me to think of the right questions to ask her.

Anyway thanks!

Wild girls are inherently not safe, sorry. If they tell you that they always use condoms then they are lying to shut you up. Wild girls are the ones who enjoy the thrill of being rebellious and irresponsible. Just assume that she has done whatever it is that you're worried about and don't ask her. If you're not comfortable with that then find a 'nice' girl instead, but she's probably done a lot of those things too she just doesn't advertise it like the one that's proud to be wild.

I am with TeamSoBe here. Women can be like men when it comes to the heat of the moment and all sensible logic has been thrown out the window. At first I didn't have an answer for your problem but maybe I do now. A lot of single people aren't using condoms out there. There was 1.6 (or was it 1.2) million abortions last year. There is birth control and the morning after pill out there and still that many? Of course a lot of factors are not considered like STD transmission. STD's can be a taboo topic and avoided by most. How many people do you know say, I don't have a herpes outbreak right now or I piss razors and fire. Will this be a problem?

If and when presented with the opportunity of intercourse, stammer first. An example would be "I know I have a condom somewhere. If she does not bring it up, ask her, "Should I use a condom?" Her reply will answer your inquiring mind. Use the condom anyways. If you are still a little freaked have lots of back up. I.E female condom in conjunction with the latex condom, lube, dental dam, Hannibal, Face and Mr. T.

Hope I was halfway helpful and good luck!

The deal is that naughty or nice, Santa still brings you presents whether you want them or not. We are all adults and have the choice to use or not use protection.

TeamSoBe is saying "Be safe" in his own whimsical way.

Wouldn't it be great to have a super power that lets you know who is burning or not just by glancing? You could be VDSTDHIV man.

When in doubt, take the conservative route. Words well lived by.

If and when presented with the opportunity of intercourse, stammer first. An example would be "I know I have a condom somewhere. If she does not bring it up, ask her, "Should I use a condom?" Her reply will answer your inquiring mind. Use the condom anyways. If you are still a little freaked have lots of back up. I.E female condom in conjunction with the latex condom, lube, dental dam, Hannibal, Face and Mr. T.

If you need all that then why on earth would you be having sex with her in the first place?....

One rule of thumb we use with anyone whether they are a single male, single female or a couple if we have any doubts about them we don't play. We come right out and ask them how many people they have played with and then we ask them how long have they been playing. Now granted they don't have to be truthful with us but we go with our gut feelings. And no matter how much we trust we always use the condom. Even if they told us they were virgins we would still use them.

Yes, I was just saying "be safe". A girl who is proud to be wild has certainly done a lot of guys unprotected, that's just how it works. The other problem is that a lot of girls who are not openly proud to be wild have still had their share of fun too. I have had quite a few female friends who I thought were relatively pure and wholesome but then I would later find out that they had actually been with hundreds of men and had multiple abortions. Any girl that has accidentally been pregnant a few times has also been exposed to some ugly sexually-transmitted diseases. These are the 'nice' girls that I'm talking about, the wild ones are the same way, the only difference is that they are openly proud of it.

Look up some of the statistics on how many Americans are estimated to be carrying herpes or genital warts. Then look up some statistics on how many Americans are sexually active. Note that the numbers roughly correspond. Having sex puts you at risk of being exposed to diseases, it's just that simple. Protect yourself the best that you can, especially when you're with a 'wild' girl, but don't forget to do a little living before you die.

We trust nobody!!!! Even if they say they are D/D free assume the worse in all cases.

We are all human and we all lied about our sex lives at some point to get someone into the sack. Be safe no matter how well you know or don't know them----can't go wrong with wearing a condom, but you sure in HELL can go wrong sometime by not wearing one.

You take the risk of your actions!!!!

Just remember prevention is worth more than not preventing getting something---it only takes one time brothers and sisters!!!

Originally posted by BostonDLT

...but on average, if you had to pick one sex, which would you guess would suggest not using one, hmmmm?

 

I don't consider myself 'wild' by any definition, (ok, maybe one or two! :-)) but I'd really like more of the details with regard to how YOU define a 'wild girl.' Really...how many men would I be allowed to have 'done' (god that sounds awful!) to be considered 'wild?' Is the final outcome (wild vs nice) also colored by the various acts performed? Sheesh.

I too would like to know how many it takes to be considered 'wild'. I had several different partners during my single years. Now, I am having then while being married. So what is the magical number? Have I crossed the line from being 'wild' to being 'wildly out of control'?

I have never had an STD, nor an unwanted pregnancy. Does that make me a reasonably nice but *wild* girl?

I have a friend from high school who probably laid 2/3rds of the male populace in her junior and senior years and part of her freshman and sophomore years in college. She met and married the man of her dreams at the age of 23 and is probably one of the best mother/wife that I have ever seen. She has managed to stay married for over 20 years, to the same man and they are incredibly happy. I can't say that for the majority of all the other people that I have known in my life, myself included.

I think it is hard to categorize men or women based on their past sexual history. I think both sexes should be based on their character regardless of how many people they nailed prior to you.

Let's face it, there are a lot of us out there that have had some pretty active sex lives before meeting someone that they want to share their lives with. There are just as many that enter into swinging after only EVER having had sex with their spouse.

I believe that it is as much a double standard for women to be considered *wild* as it is a man is to be considered being a *stud*.

Good/nice girls do come in *wild* packages too. As J&K said "You take the risk for your own actions". You cannot expect someone else to do it for you or be honest with you.

Thanks for all your replies!

Just to tell you a little story... this girl I'm talking about I have left her not once but twice nude in her bed begging me to sleep with her. Funny thing is the second time I went out with her I found out her history. She didn't seem too shy about it and almost proud that she's so open and when I say "open" I do mean it in a bad way because of the people she's been with. They are some real shady people, but glad they are not in the Lifestyle.

Anyway, I had actually brought a condom with me thinking that I would get lucky, but her stories turned me off so much, her absolutely "whorish" attitude, it seemed like if you were a okay-looking guy, or any woman she would sleep with you. But I think what did it was when she wanted to have sex with me and did not care if I had a condom or not because she was "on the pill". I knew right then and there that I shouldn't go anywhere near that.

Again thanks for all your replies. I guess I'll just keep asking the same questions to women that seem interested in a romp in the hay... hehe

Wow, TeamSoBe, can we say narrow-minded?

Technically, by society's standards, anyone who partakes in the swinging lifestyle with any regularity would be deemed *wild*.

As a *wild* girl (and that term is used by friends and close associates, not moi), I take offense to your comments on *wild* girls. From two points...it's extremely sexist and your explanation reeks of sexism and secondly, you're completely wrong. Do I even need to get into the stereo-typing thingie, I'd rather not (suppose it would fall under sexist possibly) or the double standard thingie. At 43 years of age, I have never had an STD, heck I've never even had so much as a cold sore for any reason. I have been using condoms since before AIDS/HIV were known.

Just because a female likes to enjoy herself, sexually, and may indulge with more people than YOU feel is kosher, does not mean said female is also stupid.

You guys seem to be assuming that I'm sexist because my post referred to wild girls. Go back and replace "wild girls" with "wild people" in my post. I'm not making a distinction. I mentioned the wild girls and not wild people in general because the original poster was a guy asking a question about a wild girl. It's not that complicated and "he's a sexist" is an overly elaborate characterization.

I'm a bisexual guy. Even my vertical friends know this, not just swingers that I'm comfortable talking about sex with. I've dealt with enough stereotyping that you're not going to get any sympathy out of me.

Disagreeing with me because you think that I'm wrong is another thing entirely, I can respect that. You'll have a hard time trying to convince very many people that promiscuity is not a risk factor for sexually transmitted diseases, but if that's really what you think then have fun trying.

All that said, my original opinions stand, which can be condensed as:

1) Yes, she's a higher STD risk than you seem to be comfortable with.

2) No, don't ever ask a woman how many tools she's sharpened before you, it's rude because it makes her feel uncomfortable. Even if she's proud of herself she might feel obligated to put on an innocent image to impress you and that's a rude position to put her in.

3) Always assume the worst and protect yourself.

I say the wrong thing around here on purpose all the time and nobody ever calls me on it, it's nice when somebody does. Can't say that I'm convinced that I ever said anything wrong in this case though.

#1: Promiscuity is a strong risk factor for sexually transmitted disease. It just is, simple fact. Sexually transmitted diseases wouldn't get transmitted if nobody ever had sex. Have more sex, expose yourself to more risk. Say it isn't so if you like but a million easily accessible CDC documents disagree.

#2: Sure, men do that too. The question was about a woman, not a man. I have lied to both men and women about my past in order to get laid and I have been lied to by men in order that they might nail me. Men do it, women do it, 'wild' people do it.

Everyone in this post probably has had a moment when they did not use some sort of protection for whatever reason and looking back wish they had. Thing is one is probably too many cause it only takes one time...bearing that in mind you can assume we've all had that fear when we've gone in for a check up, had blood work done, or specifically gotten an STD test.

But I digress. I finally met this girl who I had known for a while. I felt close to her and we eventually had sex. Why did she say when I jumped up and got a condom (the urge to fuck we at its peak) she looks at me and says "You know condoms fuck shit it up don't you"

After the fact I felt secure in that I used a condom...only later to find out that I was the 3rd guy she had sex with in 24 hours (we all knew each other) and it was quite possible I was the only one to use a condom.

And that was, at least I thought at the time, was one of the normal quiet girls. Of course I now look at having 2 kids by the age of 28 and being divorced differently of course.

I also have been wondering the same thing, maybe someone out there has the answer for us, since I was married for 34 years and now am single again, and now I trust the partner I have but for any one else I would be asking the same questions. Maybe you have to be very forward and just ask how safe was the sex you had in the past?

Asking anybody how safe they were in the past or how many people they have been with is both pointless and rude. If they don't have anything interesting in their past to tell you about, which is unlikely, then you look like a goon for asking. If they do have anything interesting in their past then they are going to lie about it anyway, so what's the point in asking? "Well, I've had sex with about 100 guys, I'm not really sure, and I usually make them use condoms unless I'm really drunk." Nobody is going to say that, so why ask?

It's really pretty hypocritical to ask anyway. Do you ask the person because you're trying to figure out if you're willing to have sex with them without a condom? Well that's hypocritical, they should use condoms with every other guy but not with you? If you're going to wear a condom anyway then why are you asking? It's rude, it doesn't help you to make any important decisions, you're probably going to get a false response anyway, there is just no point to it at all.

Regarding the "TeamSoBe is sexist" sub-theme: I have nothing to apologize for. I'm not being sexist, he asked a question about a girl, I gave my opinion and it was about a wild girl specifically because that's what he asked about. It's interesting that so many people here are so sensitive to any hint of potential sexism in a man though. I'm trying to figure out what that might say about our community.

Team stick to your guns you are entitled to your opinions, your post have a lot of logic to them, I don't always agree with your post but I do like the way you explain them

When I talk with people I ask them the same questions in different ways hubby does the same we then add up the answers and if they don't line up we find we can't trust these people. We are very safe and don't even want to get involved with someone we feel we can't trust. I have found if people get offended when you ask sexual questions they aren't in it for the long haul...anyone who is interested in the lifestyle has to be able to look at themselves honestly and be quite frank when it comes to sex. Innuendo, avoidance or redirection from anyone usually gets them crossed off my list. I am a shoot from the hip type and prefer those like me.

Re: Promiscuity.

I saw this post from John (Flori_DAman) in another thread and thought it fit perfectly here.... so I copied it.

Originally posted by Flori_DAMAN

The one thing that I noticed about your add was a sort of an explanation that you aren't promiscuous. Swingers also are discerning but love sex. The term promiscuous has usually just meant that one will have sex without commitment. If that is the term then most swingers are in fact promiscuous.

 

Is that bad?

 

I think not. If you fuck everyone that bats an eye at you then you are probably insecure. Now that could be bad, just for the sake of your own psyche. It could mean that you are using sex for an escape mechanism for other hidden problems.

 

My husband and I have only played with one other couple, and I can count on one hand the number of people I was with before him. I have also never had unprotected sex with anyone but my husband (and never will). However, I still consider myself a bit "wild" just because I'm interested in swinging. Of course, this may be because of the fact that most of our friends are starting families and seem to have completely put their sex lives on the backburner, while we're exploring a whole new aspect of our sex lives.

But obviously, the term "wild girl" means different things to different people!

I think when we start talking about "wild girls" we run the risk of trying to label people across the board.

I think that simply having the lifestyle I do makes certain precautions obvious and at the same time not enough. In high school, I insisted on a condom every single time I had intercourse of any kind. But the honest truth is that I knew even then that it wasn't a 100 percent given that they would work. However using one reduced the risk to a point where I put faith into the numbers. After getting to college I admit I got lax about condoms because I started on the pill almost as soon as I could. The STD issue wasn't something most of my friends talked about. When I got involved with my last relationship, I got back on the condom , this time because of concern about STD's. Since getting into the lifestyle, I've insisted on it on the few times I've been with somebody outside of our group, or the club trips I've made. But even then, inside of our group, there are times I don't insist if the guy doesn't bring it up. Mostly because I know these people. In all cases, I've had condoms break during parties, I've had leakage, and I've even had them come off inside me. I honestly think if there was or is an STD in our group, not much is really going to keep it from spreading at some point. The basic nature of my sex life leaves me having to accept some risk.

Personally, I'm more concerned with

a) frequency of testing

b) the range of diseases tested for

c) history of use of cocaine, methamphetamine, opiates

d) their general knowledge on STD's

e) demonstrated track record of having stable relationships

Than I am what they say about their sexual history. Anyone can say anything. Some of the most risk prone people I know make claims of being highly monogamous or having limited numbers of partners. I'd rather rely on something that can't be faked

Anyone can say anything. Some of the most risk prone people I know make claims of being highly monogamous or having limited numbers of partners.

You are right about that.

One of the tactics that I sometimes use involves using some reverse psychology. Rather than ask a person "Do you use condoms?", to which the correct answer is implicitly obvious, I try a different approach. I may ask a question like, "If we do anything, would I have to wear a condom? I hate the way they feel." as to insinuate I am against safer sex, when really I am for it. If the person is genuinely for condom use, then their answer will remain the same, no matter how I frame the question, and insist that they be used. However, if the person is not genuine about it, then I may get an enthusiastic "Nah, you don't have to wear a condom. I never use condoms. lol" which tells me exactly what I wanted to know in the first place.

In this way, I am sometimes able to trick a dishonest person into giving an honest answer.

It is plausible that something like this might actually work for you. However, I don't think it is necessarily something that can scale.

Just saw this and had to go find a thread that was appropriate to...

If you have a reason not to trust someone, then obviously you should reconsider having any kind of sex with him or her.

But I would say that if you can verify that the person has no STDs, contraception is accounted for, and will practice safer sex with you, then the person's sexual history isn't that important. I think it's wrong to judge people based on things they can't undo and aren't reflection of who that person has become.

Besides, there are so many non-sexual reasons to stay away from some people that I find that it rarely becomes a factor.

Hmm, if someone asked me of our sexual history...I would be like...we have one. I do not feel people are really entitled to more than that but in three years, I have yet to come across anyone to EVER inquire about anything we have done previously. I have had people tell us they are only looking for exclusive couples but never anything along these lines.

IEcouple nailed it with "besides, there are so many non-sexual reasons to stay away from some people that I find that it rarely becomes a factor."

More often than not, we don't sleep with people because of 'other' reasons long before we get into any kind of sexual talk.

So I was wondering what kind of questions you ask people about their sexual history before you get with them? I know that I ask questions because I don't want to be with someone who has been with people that are questionable, or can't answer the simple questions I ask. Maybe I'm just paranoid about getting an STD or something, but the reason I ask is that there is this one girl who is "wild" and she's told me about some of the things she has done etc., but I don't know how "safe" she has been and it's hard for me to think of the right questions to ask her.

 

Anyway thanks!

This is an easy one, we don't ask them anything. We don't think their business is any of ours just like we don't feel ours is any of theirs. We'll take whatever cautions we feel are appropriate in terms of safe sex, which could mean condoms or just passing on the experience if they had offered up some unsolicited information that caused us concern, but to ask, no.

Swinging comes with some risks, and we feel that the risk evaluation is totally on you. That's not to say if you KNOW you have an issue that the responsibility is on you to be up front and honest about that, and we aren't stupid, we know there are those who can't be counted on to do that, but we still don't feel comfortable asking questions about someone's sexual past.

Good thread bump cplnuswing!

We too don't ask. There's really not much point. It's a question of assessing the couple or fellow. If you feel you can trust them in as much as you can on a first date, then you would expect they wouldn't be playing if they have an active STD. If they know, and are playing anyway, then they will lie about it. So, asking brings nothing to the table that wasn't already there. We play with condoms. Not that that stop all STDs, but most.

Now, it's different if my wife has attracted a new 'boyfriend'; a man she's played with a number of times. She's had a few of those. My wife far, far prefers having a man without a condom for a number of reasons, not least of which is she very much enjoys having a man cum inside of her. With men she's played with a number of times, there comes a moment where we feel it's ok for her to begin having sex with him without a condom. She has a discussion with them prior to this and let's them know what is on her mind. The deal is that she'll play with them without a condom, but she has a right to know if he is having sex without a condom with anyone else. It's not a question of making her boyfriends monogamous to her, but a question of safety and respect. Of the three men she's proposed this to, one just vanished, never to be heard from again. The other two became long term boyfriends spanning years, and my wife never had them wear a condom again. We've both been tested since her last boyfriend found a vanilla girlfriend (much to my wife's dismay; she really enjoyed having sex with him), and are both negative for STDs.

Swinging comes with some risks, and we feel that the risk evaluation is totally on you.

The best guideline we could figure out for ourselves is that if we have any doubts whatsoever about performing oral without a condom, we shouldn't consider intercourse with a condom, either.

Interrogating somebody is never going to give you the whole picture. I used to screw around with a beautiful 30ish Puerto Rican who had a boyfriend, and one time she made some remark about how it'd always been drilled into her head to be "SAFE" (spoken with capital letters, I promise) after someone on her street got HIV. She seemed very sincere.

The same night, we're in bed necking, the head of my cock is lined up, and I start to slide it in without thinking. The moment was catching up with me and I was tempted to go for it but then came to my senses as I got the head in.

"Condom." "...oh, right."

Yeah, right. SAFE. You have no way of knowing how many guys she was seeing that didn't stop, or how many far sketchier women the boyfriend was visiting while he wasn't at her house. I should not have been screwing her at all, and did stop when she became single and started bragging about some very questionable exploits.