Some questions are best unasked

This morning, someone started a thread poll entitled "Is your spouse the best lover ever?"

It made me think. Would I really want to ask Mr. Fuse that question? Of course there's only one right answer, but even the way that answer is given can be deadly. "Does he really mean it"? "That sounded defensive". "You're just being nice". "You have to say that; I'm your wife".

More generally, I think that question is a little like "Do these jeans make me look fat?", only more serious.

"Am I the best lover you've ever had"? has to be one of a definite set of dangerous questions in the swinging world. (It could be even worse if you ask "Is your playmate better than me"?) There are more things we all dread being asked. We know this class of questions by our reactions to them. Eyes get a little bit wide, sudden intake of breath, half a step backwards... adrenaline kicks in... we only think about survival.

It's like asking swingers "Do you really always use condoms"? or "Have you ever had an STD"?, or "Are we your favorite playmates"? or "Have you ever loved a playmate"? There are just some things it doesn't pay to ask.

Anyone have additions to this list, comments, or stories? I'm sure there are some doozies out there.

Wow, I think you covered most of the good/relevant ones, actually.

On a more personal level, my spouse and I are kinda-sorta exploring various forms of alternative lifestyles. I guess we could be vaguely described as exploring open marriage (based on what few definitions are out there), and we occasionally swing. We do things together, we can play alone if we so choose, or we do nothing, depending on interests or time or desire.

I have no issue directly telling my spouse most anything, including I am attracted to/I like so and so, and we move on with our lives. He has not said anything about being interested in anyone else until recently. One of the questions I was dreading thinking about or asking was "Do you like her? I mean, really like her?" I have no issue telling him my thoughts, but was rather hesitant to ask him about his interest and thoughts on said interest. Obviously, I perceived it as a dangerous question (to me) for a while. Anyway, I had briefly talked to a friend about this, and talking about it was enough for me to get over myself and just ask him directly, just like I would with any other topic.

For myself only, because I am a social nimrod of sorts, I don't even want to ask questions like "do you want to get together?", "do you want to get together again?" or even, if all are together, "do you want to have sex?" Those are easy to lump under "fear of rejection", of course, but those are questions I personally lump under the same type as "do I look fat?"

In our first month of swinging, a couple (we'd spent a nice evening with)asked us: "You don't plan to see anyone else do you?"

I thought that was the strangest question.

We were honest with them and told them that we did plan to meet other couples. Never heard from them again. No big surprise.

Mrs. D

I'm a firm believer of don't ask any question you don't want an honest answer to.

I have never asked Mr. Fun if I was the best lover he has ever had. If the answer were no, it would hurt to the core. I know it would. Rational? Probably not, But emotions aren't always rational.

He has told me I'm the best lover he has ever had. But I sure as hell didn't ask.

There are a lot of questions I don't ask. I don't want to know how many lovers he has had. I think too much about stupid stuff, and I just don't want all that information clouding my thought process. He, however, has asked me, and I've been honest, and it turns him on immensely and to hear stories of my past escapades. I don't share that desire, and don't want details about his.

Men/Mars; Women/Venus issue? Possibly.

I've also been asked questions before and before I answer them, say "don't ask questions you may not like the answer to." I'll tell ya. You may not like it.

des1re06 said:

In our first month of swinging, a couple (we'd spent a nice evening with)asked us: "You don't plan to see anyone else do you?"

 

I thought that was the strangest question.

 

We were honest with them and told them that we did plan to meet other couples. Never heard from them again. No big surprise.

 

Mrs. D

After our first full swap (our first ever swap), the gentleman said to me, "Now don't you go find another couple!" I was pretty surprised, as you might imagine. We got it cleared up. That was a year and many good times ago.

Tomorrow night we're having dinner with them and another couple they recently brought into our lives. I guess we touched that third rail and survived.

I'm not sure what the question is asking, but venturing a guess, I'd say overwhelmingly yes, we are each other's best lovers.

I qualify that by saying it's simply because our hearts, minds, beliefs, and lives are so intertwined. And being lovers, by our definition, goes far beyond our swinging sex, or even our sex with each other. The cuddling, compliments, presents, kisses, helping each other out, throughout the day is all part of the lover thing.

That being said, when we swing, we both throw ourselves into our sex with our other partners. Our goal could be defined that the last sex any of us had was the best sex of our life. Whether it wife and I had it or whether it be with other partners. In our tenure of swinging, different partners do different things, and we've learned a lot by our experiences.

There are some guys that for whatever reason, wife is very attracted to and has massive and multiple orgasms. And vice-versa. Interestingly, early on in our relationship, wife (then girlfriend) had introduced me to several very cute women (her girlfriends) who were either in open-marriages or single. And I learned a lot about loving (wife's), sharing, technique, and massively pleasurable sex.

So bottom line, we expect each other to have mind-blowing orgasms with our swing partners.

And when our weekend's done, our couple friends usually stand outside, arm-in-arm and wave, and we wave out the window as we leave for home, usually with wife's head on my shoulder.

Sorry, The Fuse. It was late last night and I misread your question.

To address what questions are off limits, we have a bedrock principle which seems to work for us that goes: A marriage can survive anything except dishonesty.

So all questions are kosher. And we especially talk about our swing sex and associated feelings a lot. (It usually ends up getting us hot and bothered for each other.)

Occassionally questions are such that we can't give the right answer or go to the depth that the question requires with a hip-shot answer, so I (or she) might say, "I have to think about that." And we do come back to it.

If one of us is having a bad day and asks a question that's not designed to communicate, but rather attack, the questionee will call the questioner on that and say, "Is that a real question, or just an attack?"

If it is an attack, we'll both try to figure out what's driving the anger behind it.

But as most swingers contend, swinging just doesn't work without a trusting, honest relationship.

clutch said:

Sorry, The Fuse. It was late last night and I misread your question.

Not your fault . It was poorly phrased.

clutch said:

If one of us is having a bad day and asks a question that's not designed to communicate, but rather attack, the questionee will call the questioner on that and say, "Is that a real question, or just an attack?"

 

If it is an attack, we'll both try to figure out what's driving the anger behind it.

 

That's terrific, I love it!

Anyone else ever hear (or ask) those doozies that just scream, "Why would you even ask that"? I know there are more out there.

Those "attack" questions usually happen more at work than at home for me. Just last week I was questioned on why I chose the order of tasks to do that I did. The question was, "don't you think this was more important to do than that at this time of day?" I just stared at my boss and said, "I have no idea how to answer that question, especially because no harm came from the order I chose to do those tasks."

Can you tell I work for a micro-manager??

Like I said before, it's not that I can't ask questions and get honest answers about anything from Mr. Fun, because I can. No question. There are some things I choose NOT to ask about, because there is no way for Mr. Fun to answer the question without me feeling some sort of hurt. I don't need to know every little, tiny, morsel about Mr. Fun's past. I don't want to dwell on insignificant things that have nothing to do with the here and now. I don't NEED to know such things as the total of partners he's had, for example. I don't care. And those things just make me take time to analyze and frankly, it's not important.

I don't want to ask any question (intentionally) that would scream "why would you ask that?"

Three couples?? Hmmm...sounds like the Fuse has the makings of an orgy .

We don't think any question is off limits, just don't get upset when we answer brutally honest.

I think it's just as important for the person asking the question to think before they ask.... and realize that maybe they would have been better off not asking. Ask yourself, do I really want to know the answer to that?

Another good one..."how many sexual partners have you had?" or even to another swinging couple "how many couple have you played with?".

"Who are you going out with?" is a question we've been asked by another couple.

lustylearning said:

"Who are you going out with?" is a question we've been asked by another couple.

What does that even mean?

Two weekends ago my wife asked me, "what do you like about ?" The question caught me totally out of the blue, they are a couple that we have been full swap with for over a year. Yes, I enjoy being with her, as my wife enjoys being with him, but she said "The look on your face was priceless." I felt that I was screwed no matter how I answered the question. So I didn't. Yeah, I like being with her, but I don't have any emotional feelings for her. Gadzooks, the landmines that we step on now and again. It will all work out. Unfortunately, I feel that it bleed over into our weekend in PA.

JustAskJulie said:

What does that even mean?

lol, something akin to "Who are you doing tonight?"

lol, something akin to "Who are you doing tonight?"

that's better than my thought. My thought was akin to the middle school "who are you going with?" question (middle school version of dating).

"Who are you doing tonight?"

That depends.... are you available?

I was looking around today I found this thread. after reading and learning a lot. I have find threads about talking / having open honest communications with your (SO) .. but now I find this one about ( Some questions are best unasked ) if i'm going to be 100 % open and honest with my wife and her with me. I feel if she asking me a question about the way I feel about something or someone, I need to be truthfull and 100% honest as I can, and if that brings up more questions. so be it.. I have read post after post ( communications ) is the #1 thing..

now for the questions? am I the best you have very had?? is this as in bed? or as a lover? or as your ( SO )? .. hell I'll answer that one "YES"!! "YES"!! and "YES " !!!!!

I feel if she asking me a question about the way I feel about something or someone, I need to be truthfull and 100% honest as I can, and if that brings up more questions. so be it.. I have read post after post ( communications ) is the #1 thing..

I think the real point here is the intent behind a question like that. Someone asking a question like "Do I look fat in these jeans" is almost always coming from a place of low self esteem and looking for reassurance. The same goes with a question like "Am I the best lover you have ever had". It isn't that the question shouldn't be asked because you shouldn't be truthful, it's that what you need to be truthful about is the fact that at this point in time the question-asker is feeling insecure/low self esteem/unsure etc. for whatever reason. That is the topic that needs to be discussed openly, not whether you look fat in those jeans.

Recently we were asked how many people we've had sex with. I was not happy at being asked that.

We've even recently all but been asked, "Why don't you want to swing with me? What did I do wrong? Was it x?"

I think the real point here is the intent behind a question like that. Someone asking a question like "Do I look fat in these jeans" is almost always coming from a place of low self esteem and looking for reassurance. The same goes with a question like "Am I the best lover you have ever had". It isn't that the question shouldn't be asked because you shouldn't be truthful, it's that what you need to be truthful about is the fact that at this point in time the question-asker is feeling insecure/low self esteem/unsure etc. for whatever reason. That is the topic that needs to be discussed openly, not whether you look fat in those jeans.

Slevin

That is an interesting take and to a point, I would have to agree. Unfortunately, my responce to the former had me sleeping int he guest room when I was with my Ex. My reply was, "No! THOSE JEANS do not make you look fat!"

As for the question of being the best lover. I have asked Mrs. CXXC this question. My intention or desire is not to be placated by some platitue or ego stroke. I want to know the truth of the matter. If I am NOT her best lover, I will ask what it is that I am either lacking in ability or not doing. Mrs. CXXC and I are completely honest and up front with one another and I will tell her of things that she is not the best at when asked.

This honesty is a tool with which we gain insight and the abiltiy to better ourselves in more ways than just sex.

I guess I am a little odd in this.

Slevin

 

That is an interesting take and to a point, I would have to agree. Unfortunately, my responce to the former had me sleeping int he guest room when I was with my Ex. My reply was, "No! THOSE JEANS do not make you look fat!"

As for the question of being the best lover. I have asked Mrs. CXXC this question. My intention or desire is not to be placated by some platitue or ego stroke. I want to know the truth of the matter. If I am NOT her best lover, I will ask what it is that I am either lacking in ability or not doing. Mrs. CXXC and I are completely honest and up front with one another and I will tell her of things that she is not the best at when asked.

This honesty is a tool with which we gain insight and the abiltiy to better ourselves in more ways than just sex.

 

I guess I am a little odd in this.

For sure there are exceptions to the motivation behind a question like that. I think they're fairly uncommon, but there are definitely exceptions. I'm like you in that I want to learn new things to help me pleasure her and if someone we play with did something that she liked that I don't do, well I want to know so I can throw it in my toolbox I'd ask it in a different manner though more focused on whether anyone we've been with has done anything that she really enjoyed etc.

Funny answer to the fat jeans question! I always got a kick out of: "It's not the jeans that make you look fat....". Not that I've ever actually said it

The Fuse said:

Recently we were asked how many people we've had sex with. I was not happy at being asked that.

 

We've even recently all but been asked, "Why don't you want to swing with me? What did I do wrong? Was it x?"

We have been asked questions of this same character, invariably from people new to the lifestyle. But we do not believe newness can be offered as an excuse. Even if you are not aware of the etiquette, it is poor form.

For sure there are exceptions to the motivation behind a question like that. I think they're fairly uncommon, but there are definitely exceptions. I'm like you in that I want to learn new things to help me pleasure her and if someone we play with did something that she liked that I don't do, well I want to know so I can throw it in my toolbox I'd ask it in a different manner though more focused on whether anyone we've been with has done anything that she really enjoyed etc.

 

Funny answer to the fat jeans question! I always got a kick out of: "It's not the jeans that make you look fat....". Not that I've ever actually said it

I guess it would be safe to asume that I am not the normal individual in the crown. I most certainly don't look it, so why act it?

Like you, it is my deepest desire to learn and know all that I can in the ways of pleasing my wife. I truly hope she finds a lover that does somehting new or different that she REALLY enjoys. It makes me a better loverin the long run.

As to the "Fat in the Jeans" quesiton. I have a problem. I have been told by several that I say what most people think. This has gotten me in trouble before. SO, if they don't REALLY want the answer, DONT ASK! I simply cannot help myself!

CXXC said:

 

Like you, it is my deepest desire to learn and know all that I can in the ways of pleasing my wife. I truly hope she finds a lover that does something new or different that she REALLY enjoys. It makes me a better lover in the long run.

 

As to the "Fat in the Jeans" question. I have a problem. I have been told by several that I say what most people think. This has gotten me in trouble before. SO, if they don't REALLY want the answer, DON'T ASK! I simply cannot help myself!

now I like that one... lol .... it is just me but ... I think if you ask a question. your looking for an answer.. now with that .. the WAY the question is asked (in what voice/attitude it is asked..) like "why won't you play with us?" There are times I think you should tell the person the answer.. ( you smell... and you need a bath)... you don't have to be rude with your answer... but if no one tells then they will never figure it out... there are some people that just don't get it sometimes..

For the "do I look fat in this?" now let me say... I LIKE BIGGER GIRLS, but I have seen some that don't dress for their size...

I think there comes a point that I have to tell the truth .. Even if you don't like the answer... (sorry but that is just me)

Trucker

I have to agree with you. People should be honest with their questions. A woman does not really want us to answer the question with truth about the jeans. She is actually asking if she looks good in them. However, our answers are most always ignored, the jeans come off and she storms back into the closet in search of another outfit. The game continues until she finds something that is both flattering and comfortable.

If everyone was honest in the lifestyle, there would be so much less frustration. I illustrate my point with a tale from one of the clubs we visit.

While at the club, I noticed a fairly young and attractive couple sitting at a table. Through out the evening I noticed that very few people had stopped to speak with them. I could tell they were rather bored.

I stopped by and greeted them roughly 3/4s into the evening. I asked if they had been to the club before. They had. I asked if they were new to the Lifestyle. They were not. I mentioned that they looked bored. They were.

the issue they had was that neither of them had the courage to approach. Those who approached them were either not appealing to them or picked up on the bored and frustrated vibe.

Had these two been honest with themselves and others, they would have had a fantastic time. They did not approach others. They did not speak the truth of their desires with those they saw. They were not honest with themselves in the ability and desire to break free from fear of rejection.

Honesty, or the lack of, has only caused frustration, angst, loss and missed opportunity. honesty, when used with tact, will save you in virtually every situation.

WOW! I am on a roll today with my rants!!!

CXXC

you go,, I'm in the same boot here.. I feel if you cant be 100 % honest with your self.. HOW can you be with ether's??

I'm sorry if I come off pig headed.. but being 100% honest with your self is a must.. not just in the lifestyle but in life as a rule..

ask me anything .. if I feel that it is going to make anyone feel bad about them self? I will try to put it in a way that wont hurt as mush..

Trucker

Honesty IS the best.........

There is the need for specific tact and decorum. But if a question is asked with the intent to garner the truth, WHY HOLD BACK!