Jump to content
r_poseidon

Single male admitted to being in love with my wife

Recommended Posts

First, if this is in the wrong spot, please move it. I would have put it in situational help, but... the situation is over.

Anyway, the first guy that we met for a MFM 3some, I thought was pretty cool. He talked to me, talked to my better half, no problem. Met after chatting for a few days to have some fun on his lunch break. He got a hotel nearby, life is good. Now she has always thought that the first time she did this, she would have to have a few drinks in her. Not drunk mind you, but enough to be loosened up and not worry. Well... there was no alcohol. We met at the hotel, went into the room. Talked for about 30 minutes, then things started. Anyway, she had a *blast*. Me personally... I was soo hard but also thought I was going to puke as we left to go back home :eek: Yes, I am fine now! ;)

Anyway... after that... he stopped talking to me, but would literally talk to her ALL DAMN DAY. Ignore everything I wrote. Said that he wanted to meet up several times after that, and then when the time came, he just bailed, could not reach him. Then he would get really flirty w/ her, which doesn't bug me. Now we both save convos that we have w/ play partners, just so there are no surprises. Have a seperate email account and everything. So anyway, he starts inviting her out. Without me. The first time, I overlooked this, because they get along well, and he *is* nice to her. Well...it kept happening. So I finally talked to him, he admitted to practiaclly loving her. I told him to basically get off it, and to stop asking her out, she wasn't going. Well... he said ok, no problem. The next day, he is offering to take her out the the bar (now I am 20, and he *KNOWS* I cannot even go), and then go back to his house afterwards!! I got pissed, wrote him about a page long email, and had her cut everything off with him. She wasn't happy, becuase she says that it is all on his end, not hers, that she isn't doing anything. I say that he was utterly disprespectful and trying to undermine me behind my back. Anyway, she agreed. Well the next day, I logged onto the email (it's GMail, so if you aren't familliar w/ that, it has a chat client built in, so once you log in, your IM is on as well)... and he starts writing!!!! :eek:

So now I really don't regret what I did. We agreed that w/ MFM's, I would have the final say, just like if we ever do FMF, *she* will have the final say. It just pissed me off so bad that this guy flat out lied to me, and was constantly making passes at her. Not that I am insecure... but it is soooo disrespectful!!!

So... was I out of line? She still says how she misses talking to him becuase he was nice to her, and she really doesn't talk to her friends anymore, and she doesn't even think about the sex. Course I dunno how that could be, becuase in between all the "I really like you, you should come on over", he is trying to cybersex w/ her. Regardless, whatever she says. But did I do the right thing, or am I overreacting??? If you need to know any more details, just ask! I'll keep this thread on my screen for a while, work sucks today...

Share this post


Link to post

Overreacting????? Hell No!!!

We both ALWAYS have "veto" power for any get together. It sounds like this guy is trying to cross the line. Let me correct that, He HAS crossed the line. We have had MFM's and FMF's and if either of us were to become uncomfortable, that would be the end of it. I would hope that she just misses the fun of it all and not the guy in particular. I think a long talk is in order to let each other know how each feels about another situation like this. Long term realtionships with single play partners can work, but obviously not with a guy like this.

I think you did the right thing and all communication with him should be off. If she has a problem with that, then ya'll really need to talk.

Sorry this is short, but hope it helps.

Share this post


Link to post

Once again, I'm only hearing your side of the story, but from it I would say you are 100% correct in how you feel and have every right to put an end to it. Both of you SHOULD have equal veto power without the other one questioning it, but in reality someone's feel-bads always gets hurt.

 

It sounds like your SO is infatuated with this guy because he is paying so much attention to her and it makes her feel good about herself. I would say she is blinded by it right now, and of course when you say your are uncomfortable with it she is going to get annoyed with you because she thinks you are trying to kill her fun.

 

From what you said this guy is being disrespectful of your relationship. Your SO is oblivious to what is going on because she is too wrapped-up in the fun of being pursued and flirted with by this single male. It happens to the best of us. BUT, the main thing to remember here is: if it doesn't work for either on of you, then it doesn't work for both of you. If you are uncomfortable with the situation then your SO has to break it off with this guy. You doing it just sends the message to her that you don't trust her. On her end, if she is gong to play big girl games SHE NEEDS TO BE A BIG GIRL. She has to break it off completely with this guy. She needs to block his IM and email. Period. If you are uncomfortable then she needs to think of you first. She needs to remember what is more important, your relationship or some momentary euphoria from some funtime-Johnny. There are thousands of other single guys for MFM threesomes. This guy is a dime-a-dozen. There will be more, I promise.

 

I think many newbies go through this kind of scenario though, where one member of the couple gets infatuated with the attention from someone new and it blinds them to the reality of the situation, which is it's just fantasy. It's something you two have to work through. It's something where one person has to put themselves in the shoes of the other and think about how they would feel if the situation were reveresed.

 

This is a speed bump and you will get past it. It sounds to me from this and previous posts that you two didn't wade into swinging, you jumped into the deep end and now are learning to swim. Virtually every post you've made is filled with drama. I think I would paddle back to the shallow end and slow down a little until you get comfortable with where you are, then wade out a little deeper. All the fun will come in time, but at the rate you two seem to be doing it you are dooming yourself to either bad experiences or trouble within your relationship.

 

Mr. WS

Share this post


Link to post

Thank you for the concern, really. And you are right, her main thing was that he made her feel good, on and on. But we did talk, and I have changed some things about me that I guess I needed to.

As for jumping in... ya I can see that from what I have posted, lol!! But we have talked about it also for over a year before anything actually happened, and we have made sure to have very very VERY good communication since that guy. So all in all, maybe this negative situation actually has a positive role, I like to think that it does anyway. :confused:

We have been talking to another local couple tho, and have made it very clear to them that we only want friendship first if anything is to happen. I think we got the "just sex" out of our system, and now since I do all the searching, she gives yays or nays I am focusing on *friends first*.... my thing anyway!

Share this post


Link to post

No, you didn't over react. You were feeling uncomfortable so you called a hault to things.

 

It seems like maybe you got one of the bad apples in single men as he does not seem to respect you at all or your relationship at all.

 

Marked it up to a lesson learned and move on.

 

Just so you know...not all single men are like this. There are good ones out there who will respect you, your partner and your relationship.

 

 

 

Teresa

Share this post


Link to post

I think WesternSwing said it perfectly.

You were not the bad guy here.

Let us know how things work out.

Share this post


Link to post

No you are right on track...

 

My only concern is that you are very young to be swinging (you said 20y/o) and thus your relationship with your sweetie has not likely matured... Without being very secure in each other, how can you swing and not be worried about the other guy?

 

If you are going to have an 'open relationship' and bed others without both of you being present, I would suggest that you not (at this time) *not* do the same guy (or gal) as a 3some first before dating separately.. It seems like you may be easily get jealous (although certainly not in the aforementioned case) and knowing who is doing your sweetie may aggravate your feelings... Once your relationship and trust has matured then this may be an option...

 

...I'm not saying that you shouldn't meet or screen your sweetie's dates before she lays down with him or her, but just not get to become freinds/freindly with them...

 

The other options are that you agree that you that you always play together OR that the non-player is present as a voyeur...

 

Lastly, it may be advisable that the two of you do searching for your dates together using a common email account that you both log into...Other guys are less likely try to play you for a chump if they know both of you will be reading and responding together...

Share this post


Link to post

According to what you said you are definately on track. Now here is where I might get flamed a little.

 

You said you are 20, I have started a thread to try and understand why there is an increase in younger people in the lifestyle. Maybe you can help out here.

 

This is my take on why this might not have worked. At your age (oh my God I am sounding like my grandparents) you should be enjoying either a) being single and fucking your brains out with anything that moves or b) being in a wonderfully romantic relationship, heading to marriage, kids etc...(I know stereotyped and disney)

 

It is what we biologically push towards in our 20's, finding a partner, having children etc. I watched many a single friend in their 20's go on that search for the partner and hearing their bio clock a ticking.

 

Now given that wouldn't that make swinging a little more risky. ie you are likely to run into other 20 year olds that despite their saying they are just in it for the sex are in reality looking for that "mate".

 

P.S. You mentioned several times your partner said she missed him because he was "nice" to her. Is there something we should know about her background that makes this especially significant? As most swing partners would hopefully be "nice" to her.

Share this post


Link to post

I like what Amanda pointed out.

I know at 20 something my maturity wasn't were it would have needed to be for this sort of lifestyle.

I have done the unhappy marriage thing, I have my beautiful kids. I have found a man I trust COMPLETELY. I am ready, I have matured, I know what I want and don't want in life.

I want an honest open relationship were sex can be both fun and intimate.

20 somethings are still for the most part finding themselves.

****Disclaimer**** I know some 20 somethings are mature enough and are comfortable with themselves to handle this lifestyle, but not most.

Your friend,

Prettylady :kissface:

Share this post


Link to post

Lol, sounds really familiar. I know what you mean, but I don't see that as the issue here. I wasn't worried or intimidated by this other guy, I was just angry. I felt that here I was, letting him do one of the things that we keep to ourselves, and he just abused it. There was no worrying or anything, I am very secure w/ myself and in our relationship. We have been thru a *lot* and are still happily together. So personally I don't see this as a questions of being comfortable with myself and mature, I feel that I am. It has to do with somebody going right behind my back, even after we already had a talk about it. We met another guy, and everything is great with him. He still talks to me, still talks to her, no problems at all. Of course, he has been experienced w/ couples also, so he understand boundries and such. But we had a great time, and plan on hanging out more often. I just think I got a bad apple!

Share this post


Link to post

That's the problem with single males. Some of them don't follow rules. It took me two years to get rid of one of our problems. Wifey wasn't near as cooperative as she could have been. It seems to have stopped now. But it sure has turned me off to inviting a single man into our lives.

Share this post


Link to post

With the precaution that I am basing this entirely on your words, I firmly believe that you did the right thing. The best way to improve the way single men in the lifestyle are treated is to police assholes properly. Once you have said no once, you are justified in being as much of a jerk as you wish in enforcing it.

 

Reminds me of a night at a club recently, my wife and I were dancing with a sexy woman, and a guy came up behind my wife and got a little 'friendly' no one said anything until the song ended and the girl dancing with us asked who he was, we had assumed they were together. The only reason he is still walking is I respect the club, but I hope to run into him again some day.

Share this post


Link to post
The only reason he is still walking is I respect the club, but I hope to run into him again some day.

 

Ok I'm really not sure why.

But that comment made me really hot.

I don't advocate violence, but I am really turned on right now.

Your friend,

Prettylady :kissface:

Share this post


Link to post

Amanda69 - sorry, I totally skipped over your post, so this is in response to your comment:

I have been really busy lately, and all this guy does is sit on the messenger, basically saying sweet nothings. So she has been missing that from me (when I say I am busy, I am *VERY* busy... mortgages!). After hearing that, of course, I started multi tasking even more.

As for why we got into this... we were both very sexual people before we met, with our fair share of partners. We clicked immediately. Literally love at 3rd sight! We moved in shortly after, and have been inseperable. I never thought I could do anything like this w/ any of my other girlfriends, and neither could she, with her other boyfriends. We just feel very secure with each other. I admit I was jealous/possessive when we first got together, but when I realized finally that we weren't going to fall apart... that ended. So why I may be younger than the average age... the feelings are probably pretty close to the same thing. Like I said earlier, the first time I saw her with another guy, I was both very horny, but almost physically sick. Not becuase I was worried, but that was my baby dammit! :-) After that tho, it was smooth sailing, as smooth as can be for us newbies! We have a great time, have actually met a couple, and already are good friends. I am going more for the people older (they are 35 and 39) than us, becuase it seems they usually have all their issues worked out better than us young folk! But we are all comfortable around each other, and while nothing sexual has happened yet, I know that my girl would be ok with these people.

So.. that is my long rant, lol.

Share this post


Link to post

Just a ditto from a SM, you did not over react. This guy has some serious problems and your wife needs to be very actively telling him to go away.

 

I've seen this type of behavior from married males and females, it's not exclusively single males that do crap like this but no matter their gender or marital status, kick'm to the curb hard and quick.

Share this post


Link to post
Ok I'm really not sure why.

But that comment made me really hot.

I don't advocate violence, but I am really turned on right now.

Your friend,

Prettylady :kissface:

 

Aw Shucks!

No, I do not think I would not have to touch him, there was an old Happy Days episode where Fonzie had to deal with the fact that Richie had been seen kissing his girlfriend. Fonzie offered to hit him in the face where it would show, or in the gut where it would not show but hurt much worse. Anyone silly/childish/crazy enough to grope random women at a swing club without permission/knowledge as he was, would quickly be reduced to tears trying to make the choice.

 

heh just saw your profile here, makes sense that you understand that violence is not the answer, but sometimes it is the question. /bow

Share this post


Link to post

I just read the OP, so I'm responding to that. Definately, this relationship they are having is not healthy to your relationship with her. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. "Love" is a very confusing and at times deceiving emotion. People have lust, and this can get confused with love very easily. If they haven't broken it off I think it wise that they do immediately. Plus, the disrespect of him going behind your back. I know this first hand. We talked with a unicorn through sls. She liked jay alot (understandable :) ). Now, Jay and I share everything. So, he forwards me the emails she sends him. On 2 separate occasions this individual (my Mama said if I can't say anything nice not to say anything at all lol) invited him to go to the hotel with her behind my back. The first time I didn't say anything, and the 2nd email I sent back to her. The note I sent with it is not for the faint hearted. lol

Share this post


Link to post

No, she has cut everything off completely. Not contact, he has been blocked from the messengers and the email account.

Share this post


Link to post

This type of man makes me mad as hell. You see, I am a single man swinger and this type of man you were talking about gives us single men all a bad name. Sure hope you will not pass judgement on us all single men. We are not all like that, especially me. To me "NO" is what it means and that is to be respected. I have been in a mfm relationship before and it is fun but respect is a total must. You did the right thing and you protected your wife from an oppertunist. He was just using the swinging scene to get a woman, one more mark on his belt of conquest.

 

Good going, good luck!

Share this post


Link to post

As a single swinger I think you did the right thing and ended contact with the offender. Some single swingers (and couples) don't understand the rules, make mistakes and make it harder for couples to invite singles into their lives. Some of us are really a pleasure to get to know and I've several multi-year friendships with couples because I respect them both and keep both engaged at all times.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Similar Content

    • By dccc4fun
      So we are new to swinging for the most part. We've had some experiences in private with other males and females.
       
      We are very interested in going to a swingers club but also nervous at the same time. My husband is worried about boundaries being respected and possibly pushy men. We are a secure couple so that's not the issue, we just don't want to deal with that type of behavior.
       
      Is this a problem we might run into?
    • By lott
      I was wondering how would the man in a couple feel if another man makes his wife have more orgasms than he has and they were also more intense than anything she has ever felt before from sex?.
       
      Do you think this will cause a break in the marriage or will it make it better?
       
      I ask this because I know some techniques that can do exactly what I described but I don't want to cause a rift in a relationship. When I do it with a single woman I don't have to worry about her significant other getting mad at her constantly thinking about the orgasms I gave her but if it's a couple I don't know if this is the same case.
       
      The techniques I use require a lot of exercises on my part to build strength and can't be accomplished in a week and some men might not even feel like doing the work and I'm worried the women might try to cheat with me to get these orgasms and I'm not into that. I really want to try some group sex with this knowledge because I love to see a woman in total ecstasy but I don't know if it's a wise thing to do.
       
      Can anyone help me out?
    • By Robin1302
      Maybe because it is the climate we live in, here in northern Australia (i.e. tropical) but a good number of our swinging friends are naturists/nudists, as indeed we are.
       
      The freedom of enjoying the outdoors sans clothing has certainly enhanced our swinging experience; we have met several couples and singles at our local (legal) free beach, sometimes engaging in activity right there at the beach or in the bush which backs our beach. Or we go home with our new friends.
       
      The only problem is, like at so many nudist beaches, is the large number of men who seem to be voyeurs. They are not even nudists, but they are seen hiding behind trees clothed but with exposed genitals.
       
      We have swung with guys we have met at the beach but only those who are nudists and whom we have approached. Only once have we accepted an offer from a single male who has approached us.
    • By adamgunn
      I'll start. We are a Lifestyle couple. We mostly enjoy foursomes and moresomes.
      However, my wife is also a 'hotwife', and we are happy to have a respectful single male join us for an MFM threesome; my wife will also 'solo' with a single male from time to time.
    • By Exhibitionist
      I know some think single swinging males can be a little... well, too horny, creepy, or desperate. Personally, if you enjoy using a single male in your swinging life, what arouses you about them? Do you enjoy using them as a piece of meat for your pleasure? I've been in threesomes with couples and enjoyed being seen as only another cock to use and play with. It seems that was the thing they wanted most from me. Sometimes they only wanted me to watch and masturbate to them.
×
×
  • Create New...