We both enjoy MFM, he wants a FMF but it just doesn't interest me

Hi there :-)

Well, my boyfriend really wants to have a FMF. We've had several MFM's, so this seems like the next logical step. But I feel a little bad, because when it came to the MFM's, everyone was excited and so into it. My SO said he loved seeing me with another man, and he was a little bi-curious himself. So it was a great experience for everybody.

When it comes to a FMF however...I just can't seem to drum up any kind of excitement. My boyfriend wants to see me and another girl mess around, but that has about as much appeal to me as washing dishes. I tried to explain this to him, that I'm not bi and have not the slightest desire to be intimate with a woman. I tried, for my boyfriend's sake, to have a girl/girl fantasy, but there is just zero appeal.

Another thing is that, while so many on here talk about the thrill of seeing their partner with another person, the idea of that just...does nothing for me. I'd like him to have the experience of being with another woman because I know he'd love it, but the idea doesn't really send me into orbit. I'd be willing to just sit in a chair or something and watch him and another girl for his sake, but he wants me to be part of the action as well, and the whole idea just seems...boring. Really boring. However, I do love watching him with another man, though. Which doesn't help him too much here.

So what should I do? I know that I got to have my cake and eat it too, and now it looks like I'm trying to stop him from having his fun. He wants to see me with another girl so badly, which I understand...but it is starting to piss me off that he won't let go of his wishful thinking and keeps on insisting that I am bi and just don't want to admit it I wouldn't want to get into something with another girl and become totally bored and make the whole thing completely half-ass - not to mention how unfair it would be to the other woman, who'd be expecting a genuinely bi lady.

Is it possible that once I get into it, I might like? I can see where it would turn me on to see my boyfriend getting turned on, but isn't the point of a threesome that every participant is equally excited? I feel like I'm robbing him because I'm not into girls or into seeing him with girls. Is this my fault? I don't think it is, but I feel really guilty nonetheless. Any advice?

Wait a minute here. You can have a FMF threesome without the women playing with each other. We do it regularly. Muffy is straight, her friend is straight, and I am straight. We still play as a threesome. Not hard to do at all, nothing limits you but your imagination. How bout you take turns licking his cock, or one licks one side and one licks the other. How bout he lies on his back and you ride his cock while the friend rides his face or vice versa. Or, my all time favorite, you two ladies lie side by side, he lies on his side below you, and he licks one of you and fucks the other. I have achieved simultanious orgasms for the ladies several times that way. They love it, I love it. And no bi play necessary.

As far as not being turned on by watching him, if you are a particapant instead of an observer, that problem is off the table.

That's my two cents worth anyway,

Chip

I am with you on this one. I have no desire to be with another women. I know Dog has mentioned it, but he doesn't push. I have in my mind agreed that I will have light touching in a 4some. I can not imagine myself going south on another women. I have tried, like you to have a fantasy, but as soon as that part comes my mind wonders elsewhere. Sometimes I feel completely alone in this lifestyle because all the couples who email us are either bi or bi-curious.

I guess I am no help for you other then, stand your ground. If you are not comfortable with GOG sex. Don't do it. But a threesome for your mans pleasure like chip and muffy suggested does sound interesting. I would love for Dog to be spoiled like that.

But I don't think that is what your man is getting at. He wants to see you with another women. right?

Just stand your ground. or try light play and see what happens. Like you said you never know.

Your friend,

Prettylady

If you aren't bi then you just aren't. You will just have to make your boyfriend understand that. Even though their has been an explosion in the amount of bi women in swinging in the last few years, the majority are still straight. One thing you will hear from the bi girls often when you get into swinging is that they universally hate women who try to do the bi thing because their boyfriend wants them to. It would be no fun for you, no fun for the other woman, and in the end, no fun for your boyfriend. Have you guys considered a couple? that way you both get some action. The other option is for both of you to play with your boyfriend, their is no rule that says the girls have to play with each other, just like the guys rarely play with each other in an MFM.

I agree with the others. Stand your ground. If you're not into the bi thing, then don't do it. Just tell your boyfriend to get over it.

Like Chip said, you can still have a threesome, which sounds like a lot of fun. If you are ok with him playing separate, try going to a club where he can play with another woman while you hang out, dance and socialize. Better yet, find a couple and swap. There are lots of options for you, just talk about them with your boyfriend.

Good luck.

~SS

Here's a thought. Invite a woman to be with him and you explain that you'll just sit and watch. After a while, you might just find yourself a bit horny and wanting to join in somehow. It is a bit hard to watch two people writhing about in pleasure and not get a bit interested.

Make no promises about anything except that you'll be there to watch. After that, see how you felt and if you want to proceed or not. At least he'll know that you gave it somewhat of a try and he got a little bit of strange.

SableOnBlond, you are overanalyzing this, and I think from what you've said your boyfriend is pushing you to be something you are not... bi.

First, there doesn't have to be any more FF action in a FMF then there does MM action in a MFM situation. I've been in MFM's and there hasn't been an bi action going on. Just because it's two women doesn't mean they have to play with each other. Just make it clear up front the other woman that you are not bi and that this is all about him.

Second, you should never be coerced into something you don't want to do. Your boyfriend has to accept that. There is no discussion about it. No means no. Continuted prodding will just cause you to develop resentment toward him for it and really take all the fun out of it if it does happen.

Third, for the record, I've had FMF's and I really prefer MFM's. To me, they are a bigger turn-on. The FMF is good, but for me MFM's are better. Maybe I'm just more of a giver then taker.

Fourth, finding a partner for a FMF is not as easy as finding a single male for a MFM. It may be awhile before it happens unless you already have a candidate lined-up.

You might be the biggest source of your frustration and not realize it. In the majority of your post you discuss not being able to get into being with a woman. Then there is one sentence at the end of the post where you say that seeing something turn your boyfriend on turns you on. It sounds as if everyone would be turned on and having fun, so where is the problem?

... Even though their has been an explosion in the amount of bi women in swinging in the last few years, the majority are still straight. ...

Judging from SLS profiles, the majority of women are either bisexual or bi-curious. If you count the bi-curious as straight, about half are bisexual. And less than 20% of the women describe themselves as straight.

One could contend, however, that a large portion of women on SLS are being deceptive - or that SLS is not representative of the general swinging population.

Personally, I think every women should try 'it' at least once. Doing it for your husband is not a bad reason - just let your female partner know that it is an experiment for you, and that you might not enjoy it as much as you hope. As in all sexual matters, you can stop at any time.

Judging from SLS profiles, the majority of women are either bisexual or bi-curious. If you count the bi-curious as straight, about half are bisexual. And less than 20% of the women describe themselves as straight.

 

One could contend, however, that a large portion of women on SLS are being deceptive - or that SLS is not representative of the general swinging population.

I think a lot of the profiles on SLS are written by wishfull thinking husbands. I will say that at the clubs it is probably getting close to 50% if you include the bi-curious and bi-friendly.

Personally, I think every women should try 'it' at least once. Doing it for your husband is not a bad reason - just let your female partner know that it is an experiment for you, and that you might not enjoy it as much as you hope. As in all sexual matters, you can stop at any time.

Why do you think everyone should try it? If you know your not bi and find the idea of playing with someone of the same sex repulsive, why would you do it? I cannot imagine that any bi woman would have a good time with someone who is not Bi but is playing with her anyway to please her husband. What you seem to be saying is that women that say they are not Bi are not really sure about it, or that if they tried it they might somehow "see the light" and change their mind. I can assure you that is not the case, my wife has absolutely no interest playing with women, and their is nothing anyone can do that is going to convert her. I just do not believe that anyone should pressure their spouse into doing something they are not comfortable with.

2jersey said:

Personally, I think every women should try 'it' at least once. Doing it for your husband is not a bad reason

Following is a quote by EvilMJ (hope you don't mind MJ) from the thread "What are your hangups?" that I think gives a very good reason why girls that know they are straight shouldn't pretend to be bi. This is good example from the other woman's point of view.

"I am sure I have said this one 100 times before. But women who pretend they are bi sexual for what ever reason (hubby is pressuring them, they have convinced themselves they are bi) but after spending all your time getting to know them and making plans, you find out they are not even the least bit bi."

good times said:

I think a lot of the profiles on SLS are written by wishful thinking husbands. I will say that at the clubs it is probably getting close to 50% if you include the bi-curious and bi-friendly.

 

Why do you think everyone should try it? If you know your not bi and find the idea of playing with someone of the same sex repulsive, why would you do it? I cannot imagine that any bi woman would have a good time with someone who is not Bi but is playing with her anyway to please her husband. What you seem to be saying is that women that say they are not Bi are not really sure about it, or that if they tried it they might somehow "see the light" and change their mind. I can assure you that is not the case, my wife has absolutely no interest playing with women, and their is nothing anyone can do that is going to convert her. I just do not believe that anyone should pressure their spouse into doing something they are not comfortable with.

My recommendation (that swinging women should try same gender sex at some point in their life) applies to women who do NOT find the idea repulsive to the point of risking any real psychological harm. For women (such as OP) who are merely bored (as opposed to 'repulsed') by the idea I think it is worth trying. If nothing else, women who are willing to experiment will learn some valuable lessons about their own sexuality. Most will not be repulsed by some slow paced activity (they can enforce whatever limits they choose). And if their mate enjoys watching, BRAVO! - sex will probably be better when they get home.

Following is a quote by EvilMJ (hope you don't mind MJ) from the thread "What are your hangups?" that I think gives a very good reason why girls that know they are straight shouldn't pretend to be bi. This is good example from the other womans point of view.

 

"I am sure I have said this one 100 times before. But women who pretend they are bi sexual for what ever reason (hubby is pressuring them, they have convinced themselves they are bi) but after spending all your time getting to know them and making plans, you find out they are not even the least bit bi."

I'm against all forms of deception - including pretending to be Bi (or pretending to be straight).

I don't think you should try it if you don't want to, and he shouldn't be asking when he knows how you feel. I'd suggest you just straight out tell him that his insistence on it is beginning to turn you off on the whole thing. I would have loved to see her with another woman but she had, as you said, zero interest and I never asked her to. If you ever do try it, it should be when you feel a genuine interest yourself.

Wow - thanks everyone for your advice, I didn't expect so much!

Yes, I wouldn't say I am repulsed at the thought of sex with another woman, it just doesn't "do" it for me. I have kissed and done a tiny bit of fooling around with one of my good female friends a few years ago, but there's just nothing there. And yeah, I don't want to lead on any truly bi-sexual gals and disappoint anyone.

I liked the idea that it is possible to have a FMF without the two women necessarily interacting. But is it really easy to find a girl who is interested in that? My SO wants me to be responsible for finding one, which I'm not exactly motivated to do anyway.

Then there is one sentence at the end of the post where you say that seeing something turn your boyfriend on turns you on. It sounds as if everyone would be turned on and having fun, so where is the problem?

Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say that seeing my boyfriend turned on would make me happy for him...although I'm not sure about turned on myself. I don't think it would make me want to jump in there and join the action. Argghh. I hate this because I feel like I owe him another woman now, almost like it's on my to-do list of chores. And that makes me feel SO selfish. It sounds incredibly naive, but when we started doing MFM's, I thought that was going to be the extent of it. He never said anything at first about eventually wanting to play with another woman. Arrrgggh. Maybe he figured from the start that if he let me play with other men, then I'd turn around and let him do the same with women. I don't know. I don't want to stop him, but I'm just not jumping up and down.

Finding a female for your guy is pretty hard, they are rare, as most single females that we have met are primarily into the women.

Have you guys considered a couple, then you can both play but avoid the same sex interaction, and couples are a lot easier to find?

Wow - thanks everyone for your advice, I didn't expect so much!

 

Yes, I wouldn't say I am repulsed at the thought of sex with another woman, it just doesn't "do" it for me. I have kissed and done a tiny bit of fooling around with one of my good female friends a few years ago, but there's just nothing there. And yeah, I don't want to lead on any truly bi-sexual gals and disappoint anyone.

 

I liked the idea that it is possible to have a FMF without the two women necessarily interacting. But is it really easy to find a girl who is interested in that? My SO wants me to be responsible for finding one, which I'm not exactly motivated to do anyway.

 

 

 

 

Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say that seeing my boyfriend turned on would make me happy for him...although I'm not sure about turned on myself. I don't think it would make me want to jump in there and join the action. Argghh. I hate this because I feel like I owe him another woman now, almost like it's on my to-do list of chores. And that makes me feel SO selfish. It sounds incredibly naive, but when we started doing MFM's, I thought that was going to be the extent of it. He never said anything at first about eventually wanting to play with another woman. Arrrgggh. Maybe he figured from the start that if he let me play with other men, then I'd turn around and let him do the same with women. I don't know. I don't want to stop him, but I'm just not jumping up and down.

 

You really need to start being honest. It may be your first post, not sure and it isn't the point. The point is on 10-30-05 you tell us your boyfriend wants a MFF, go check Threesome Trouble to refresh your memory. After refreshing your memory with that post why don't you come back and tell us the real problem. I think you called it making "Loose Promises", whatever you call it it is dishonest.

Hi Bill&Sabrina, I don't know what you're getting at but I'm not being dishonest...?

Yes, my boyfriend first brought up the idea of a FMF sometime last year, which was an insane, spaced-out year, and I was pretty much like, "Yeah, okay, sure." He dropped the idea, and for the longest time I thought it was just a lark.

It has only been fairly recently that he's brought up the topic again - but this time is more persistent about it. And originally, I did make the mistake of being non-commital. I've always wanted to think of myself as this crazysexy kind of girl who'd be up for anything. But it wasn't until after I started giving it a lot of thought that I realized I am just not into other women, nor really into the idea of having another girl in bed. And I've tried explaining this to him, and apologizing for getting his hopes up.

But the thing is, he didn't make any mention of wanting to have a FMF until after we'd had several MFM's, and I had assumed that was all he was interested in...

The funniest part of all of this is that I spent the past several months almost convinced that my boyfriend is gay. But now his interest in women seems to have resurged from out of nowhere, so he always keeps me guessing. I mean, we haven't had a threesome in nearly a year, right? But ever since our last one he still would talk all the time about having another MFM. Mostly what he talked about was wanting to have sex with his male friend, really it was all he could seem to talk about for the longest time, he was totally obsessed. No talk at all about any other women, hell I practically wasn't even in the picture. Not only that, but he wasn't even able to have sex with me for a spell there. I was really getting worried

It wasn't until after he had set up and then apparently forgot (?) about a threesome in June that he all of a sudden switched gears. He isn't talking about having sex with his friend anymore, only mentioned another MFM once in the past couple of months, and now seems to be preoccupied with only women now, the more the merrier. Which has really thrown me off. He goes from talking non-stop about wanting to sleep with his guy friend to wanting two women. I guess it is possible that he is just turned on by EVERYthing. I've never seen anyone like this before

I'm wondering if maybe he did do something with his friend, and satisfied that urge, so now he's swung back to the other sex as far as interest goes. Who knows? But I want to stay true to myself and find a way to make him happy at the same time.

Communication is key and it strikes me that you guys are simply not communicating enough - not just you, the female, but also your boyfriend. He is not letting you know what he wants clearly, without ambiguity. He is perfectly within his rights to desire an FMF - but it is up to both of you as a couple to determine whether it's appropriate. If you don't really care if he has sex with another female and your biggest worry is that you might have to participate with her and that would bore you - then you have little to worry about - just state that as a condition of play - that girl/girl play is not welcome, that you are not interested in that. It will be more difficult to find a straight girl who will swing with him - but it's not impossible.

That said, are you sure there are no other problems with regards to his new request? Are you sure that you don't mind him having sex with another girl? He should have communicated from before that he was interested in more than just MFM - but like you said this was just a recent thing for him.

Also, how do you feel about a straight couple - where you would play with another man, and he would play with the other woman? Doesn't this solve the issue?

Actually I just read the other thread where more details were expressed - my conclusion, these guys do not need to be swinging .. there's way too much emotional drama going on. Most swingers I know including us would stay far far away from this kind of drama.

You give me the feeling that you are dishonest, because you admit to making "loose promises". How would you feel about someone who admits to telling someone one thing when they mean the total opposite? You also mention feeling guilty about what you have done. What reason do you have to feel guilty? Is it that you haven't done something you told him you would? As I have read your posts I get the impression you aren't laying everything out to your boyfriend, or us. If I am wrong just chalk me up as another ass on a message board and ignore me.

Bill

Hey, thanks guys.

Actually I just read the other thread where more details were expressed - my conclusion, these guys do not need to be swinging .. there's way too much emotional drama going on.

Yes, but my old post was from nearly a year ago. The issues I had then aren't relevant now, and I am not the same person at all. I did a lot of partying back then, but ever since January have stopped, so I've got my head screwed on a little tighter, and have taken more control over my life.

Also, how do you feel about a straight couple - where you would play with another man, and he would play with the other woman? Doesn't this solve the issue?

Well, here is the trouble with that. Both my boyfriend and I are the type of people who take a looong time to open up and let others in. We aren't social or flirty, nor do we particulary enjoy meeting new people. I suspect that going out to clubs/parties or attempting to meet a couple online would result in a lot of uncomfortableness. That is why I prefer to swing with people we know. (I know that is usually strongly discouraged). I don't really like the idea of going out and looking expressly for people to swing with. I'd rather it be something that just "happens" with those I am already close to.

You give me the feeling that you are dishonest, because you admit to making "loose promises".

When did I do this? Was this in my post from last year? I admit that I initially tried to wave off my boyfriend's ideas about a FMF by saying "Yeah, okay, sure." Mostly because I knew it wasn't going to happen. He is even worse than I am when it comes to meeting new people. And then it was recently, when he brought it up again, that I realized it just wasn't my cup of tea. So I did tell him, straight out, that I wasn't interested.

What I feel guilty about is that I got to have the experience of two men, but I sometimes feel like I'm cheating him by not being bi and not being excited about sharing him with another woman. He wants me to be just like those girls on the Girls Gone Wild infomercials and I'm not. I really think that when he got me to do a MFM he was excited and thought I would be open to absolutely anything. And now I'm not panning out to be quite the wild child he imagined. And I feel a little guilty as well because he is so good to me, does everything in the world for me, and sometimes I wonder if I should be able to find it within myself to just DO this for him, since it the idea makes him so excited.

It is true that I am probably not as in to swinging as most of you here, but my problems fall a little in that area, and it is definetly easier to ask for advice here rather than a vanilla relationship board! And if I had to classify myself, I'd probably lean more toward being a poly than a swinger. But I always appreciate everyone for taking the time to help out and share wisdom.

I think some of the responses to your delimna, (sp), see it as a black and white issue, one way or the other, and you've expressed every feeling, idea, reservation, etc and etc, and if you say one little thing that doesn't fit a perfect narrative, you become indicted. It took me a while to find out that my wife enjoyed the attention of another male, but she didn't so much enjoy seeing me with another woman. And she felt guilty about that. I was able to convince her, because I truly felt, that I was fine with that. I was just so fulfilled with her afterward, and watching her, and enjoying her enjoyment. It wasn't selfishness on her part, it was just the way she felt about it.

If something isn't right for you, it won't get right because someone else wants it to. I derived my pleasure from her.

Rob

Awwww, that is really sweet Rob. Thanks for your response!

I am with you on this one. I have no desire to be with another women. I know Dog has mentioned it, but he doesn't push. I have in my mind agreed that I will have light touching in a 4some. I can not imagine myself going south on another women. I have tried, like you to have a fantasy, but as soon as that part comes my mind wonders elsewhere. Sometimes I feel completely alone in this lifestyle because all the couples who email us are either bi or bi-curious.

Wow, when I read this I said how much I relate. I was just saying the other day that being a straight female seems to be more of a liability than an asset in this lifestyle. I just can't be someone I'm not, but it does pose difficult since so many women are bi curious or bisexual.

Hi SableOnBlond, it seems to me that you two could resolve a lot of this just by being really open with each other. Tell him everything that's on your mind, and how you feel. Ask him to tell you everything that's on his mind, too.

Sometimes when it comes to fantasy/taboo/kinky things, some men have all kinds of things going on in their heads that they want to try, but they don't tell their partner all of it. They decide in kind of a calculated way that they'll spring Step #1 on her, see how that goes, groom her in that thing, and then when that flies, he'll ask her to do Step #2 for him. He can spend years doing this, before she finally learns his real agenda, which is Step #7. From reading many message boards and men's posts, this is the way some men operate. It often starts with the classic question, "How can I get my wife to ____?", but he'll never ask her directly for that - he wants to groom her for it with smaller steps, first. The men aren't being straight with their entire agenda. The women suspect there's a lot more, but don't dig for the answers. Maybe they're afraid to know - so, they give mixed messages and they waffle back and forth.

It's best to just open the topic WIDE open with each other and learn it all.

It sounds like you don't really know the degree of your boyfriend's bi interest. You were even worried when he showed so much interest in his male friend. Then, he boomeranged and is now showing tons of interest in being with other women. You seem confused by this. Have you really talked about this with him? Asked him more about his sexuality and desires? You need to know what makes him tick and what's going on with him.

Both my boyfriend and I are the type of people who take a looong time to open up and let others in. We aren't social or flirty, nor do we particulary enjoy meeting new people. I suspect that going out to clubs/parties or attempting to meet a couple online would result in a lot of uncomfortableness. That is why I prefer to swing with people we know. (I know that is usually strongly discouraged). I don't really like the idea of going out and looking expressly for people to swing with. I'd rather it be something that just "happens" with those I am already close to.

Does your boyfriend really know that you don't want to go to clubs/socials or online to meet people?

Does he know that you want to be with people you already know? Even people you want to feel close with?

Does he know that you want to leave it to chance (it "just happens"), and that you don't want to LOOK for people to swing with?

What I feel guilty about is that I got to have the experience of two men, but I sometimes feel like I'm cheating him by not being bi and not being excited about sharing him with another woman.

No two people are exactly alike. We are ALL individuals. Even the closest couple here have their own unique desires and don't see eye-to-eye on everything. If you were bi and he were totally straight, would you imagine him feeling guilty for not wanting to have a MM experience just for your sake? You're not cheating him.

He wants me to be just like those girls on the Girls Gone Wild infomercials and I'm not. I really think that when he got me to do a MFM he was excited and thought I would be open to absolutely anything. And now I'm not panning out to be quite the wild child he imagined.

It's immature for a man to want you to be somebody you're not. Girls in infomercials aren't "real". That's as lame as a man seeing a certain porno flick, and being disappointed that his woman isn't the nympho do-anything porn star. If he thought the MFM was a bargaining chip to get you to do other things that he didn't even mention at the time, that's a manipulation. So, you're not "panning out" to be what he imagined that he wanted to turn you into....too bad for him. You do not owe him that. Be yourself, know what YOU want and don't want. You're not his puppet on a string.

And I feel a little guilty as well because he is so good to me, does everything in the world for me, and sometimes I wonder if I should be able to find it within myself to just DO this for him, since it the idea makes him so excited.

No matter what he does for you, compromising yourself just to please him is never a good choice. If you do something for him that you have no desire to do only to please him, in the end it will only cause you to feel resentment toward him for expecting this of you. If he can't love and accept you just the way you are, that's his problem. So, the idea makes him excited. A man who truly loves you won't expect you to do anything that doesn't make you excited, too.

And if I had to classify myself, I'd probably lean more toward being a poly than a swinger.

Earlier in this post you were using the term swinger, and swinger terminology - but here is a new truth about you. You're not really a swinger. Have you told your boyfriend this fact really clearly? You want to be with someone you feel close to. You see yourself as poly. (This is a good start, discovering yourself and knowing what you want.) I think this is something else you need to talk a lot more about with him.

You need to learn to be a confident enough person to:

(1) know who you are and are not, and don't compromise who you are for anybody. (For example, you're not a Girl Gone Wild video and you never will be.)

(2) know what your sexual and emotional desires are, and if you don't like something, or don't think you want to do something, state it clearly and plainly.

(3) ask your partner everything about what they like. Ask for detail & clarification about what they ask you for. Learn what makes him tick. Don't spend even one night just worrying about what he's thinking or desiring...ask him.

Best wishes!

I'm wondering if maybe he did do something with his friend, and satisfied that urge, so now he's swung back to the other sex as far as interest goes. Who knows? But I want to stay true to myself and find a way to make him happy at the same time.

You suspect him of cheating on you with another guy - it seems that you should deal with this issue before you continue any discussion regarding swinging.

Tybee Swing, thank you for taking the time to make such a long response! You know, I think the truth is that I am afraid to know just what is going on in my SO's head, and what his desires are. I suspect that what we want are two different things. I think ideally I'd like to have an open relationship. And not so I can get out there and be shagging a different guy every night, either. But he isn't very receptive to this idea, as he seems to think that if given the opprotunity, then I would be out there prowling around every night I guess he is just afraid of losing me, and wants our swinging to be something that he can keep an eye on, and have some control over. Which I can understand.

2jersey - Well actually, it wouldn't be cheating. He asked me straight out a couple of months ago if it was okay for him to have sex with his friend, and I told him I didn't mind. Because truthfully, I don't. Like I said above, the idea of an open relationship is cool with me. I told him several times that I don't care what he does when I'm not around. Although, I really find it hard to believe that he actually DID do anything. He's so reserved, I can't imagine him actually coming onto his friend by himself, without me there to intiate things. And I'm really not about to ask him anyway, since if he wanted to talk about it with me than he would.

Don't get me wrong though, if he had sex with a stranger then I would want to know about it. But with his friend, it is dramatically different. They share their own type of bond, and have been friends for much longer than I've been around, so to me whatever goes on between them is their business.

I guess as Tybee Swing said I'm not technically a swinger, so I apologize for clogging up the place with my posts. But I really appreciate everyone's words and it certainly DID help. I'll refrain from posting anymore, but I'll definetly still hang around to read and comment

Tybee Swing, thank you for taking the time to make such a long response! You know, I think the truth is that I am afraid to know just what is going on in my SO's head, and what his desires are. I suspect that what we want are two different things.

You're welcome! I hope you can break through feeling afraid to know what's really in his head, and open up the talking. Even if you discover that you are on totally different paths, knowing this truth is so much better than averting your eyes and pretending you're in sync. Some women are afraid to face things and lie to themselves for years, wasting a lot of time. Trust me, I've learned that from past experience. It takes courage to face facts and seek truth head-on, but life is so much richer when you do.

By the way, about him and his male friend - you have every right to know what is going on in his head about him, what they do or have done together sexually, etc. How can you ever really know your boyfriend, if you don't talk about all of these intimate things? You thought for awhile he might be gay because of his fascination with the guy, but no sex or lack of sex with you. It does concern you. If you want to get close to your bf and really understand him, don't you want to know where his heart & mind is? Just my humble opinion, but the fact that he's known his friend longer than you doesn't matter. You're still his girlfriend.

I guess as Tybee Swing said I'm not technically a swinger, so I apologize for clogging up the place with my posts. But I really appreciate everyone's words and it certainly DID help. I'll refrain from posting anymore, but I'll definetly still hang around to read and comment

Please don't think that, this board isn't only for technical swingers. There are all kinds of people here, including poly, and people who feel they're some combination of swing and poly. There's room for everybody here.

Hello again, sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread. I've been busy pouring through a lot of the older threads, very interesting.

By the way, about him and his male friend - you have every right to know what is going on in his head about him, what they do or have done together sexually, etc. How can you ever really know your boyfriend, if you don't talk about all of these intimate things?

Well, my feeling is that what my SO does when I'm not around isn't any of my business. I don't worry or care about what he is doing out there. I go about my day, doing my thing. Then when we get together that is the only time that matters to me. Maybe that sounds strange? I don't know. I don't look at my relationship as two people getting together and becoming one. I need my freedom and free time too much. I look at it more as two separate people doing their separate things, and coming together when it's mutually beneficial for them. We do share a deeper bond and friendship than I've ever had with anybody else. But I don't like to be tied down in any way, or necessarily tied to anyone. I love knowing that we are always going to meet up at the end of the day. He's my rock. But I don't want to know everything there is to know about him. I guess I prefer some mystery

Life is really funny. No longer am I feeling at all guilty about our MFM's. Last night the three of us were together and I was kind of blown away when I realized my boyfriend wanted something to happen! I was being kind of playful with his friend, but then I stopped because I thought that might upset my boyfriend. Little did I know! It was driving him crazy, and for the first time he was the one who came right out and said he wanted to play. I guess he was hanging back and waiting to see if *I* was interested. It ended up being the greatest night ever, for everyone. Then later he told me how much he loved sharing me with someone else. So now I don't have to feel bad anymore Communication is definetly key, as you all preach. But I realized you can also communicate through body language just as much as with words...I prefer to do it that way, anyway.

Well, I don't know if the FMF thing is resolved or not. But at least now I can stop feeling like I'm being selfish. Thanks folks

Hi there :-)

 

Well, my boyfriend really wants to have a FMF. We've had several MFM's, so this seems like the next logical step. But I feel a little bad, because when it came to the MFM's, everyone was excited and so into it. My SO said he loved seeing me with another man, and he was a little bi-curious himself. So it was a great experience for everybody.

 

When it comes to a FMF however...I just can't seem to drum up any kind of excitement. My boyfriend wants to see me and another girl mess around, but that has about as much appeal to me as washing dishes. I tried to explain this to him, that I'm not bi and have not the slightest desire to be intimate with a woman. I tried, for my boyfriend's sake, to have a girl/girl fantasy, but there is just zero appeal.

 

Another thing is that, while so many on here talk about the thrill of seeing their partner with another person, the idea of that just...does nothing for me. I'd like him to have the experience of being with another woman because I know he'd love it, but the idea doesn't really send me into orbit. I'd be willing to just sit in a chair or something and watch him and another girl for his sake, but he wants me to be part of the action as well, and the whole idea just seems...boring. Really boring. However, I do love watching him with another man, though. Which doesn't help him too much here.

 

So what should I do? I know that I got to have my cake and eat it too, and now it looks like I'm trying to stop him from having his fun. He wants to see me with another girl so badly, which I understand...but it is starting to piss me off that he won't let go of his wishful thinking and keeps on insisting that I am bi and just don't want to admit it I wouldn't want to get into something with another girl and become totally bored and make the whole thing completely half-ass - not to mention how unfair it would be to the other woman, who'd be expecting a genuinely bi lady.

 

Is it possible that once I get into it, I might like? I can see where it would turn me on to see my boyfriend getting turned on, but isn't the point of a threesome that every participant is equally excited? I feel like I'm robbing him because I'm not into girls or into seeing him with girls. Is this my fault? I don't think it is, but I feel really guilty nonetheless. Any advice?

You sound a LOT like my wife! She has zero interest in being with another woman. Also, the sight of me with another woman does little for her at all. She does like to see me with another man. My play with another man rarely goes beyond oral play. As I read someone said this in another post, they were talking about being biSEXUAL. Meaning that they just loved to have sex with the same sex, but were not attracted to them or wanted to be in a relationship with them. My wife knows this and it drives her crazy!! So MFM is her idea of a great time because everyone plays with everyone.

Now for the FMF thing. I will say we have had more MFM than anything else. We have even had a few MFMF action. The few FMF we have had has more to do with my wife doing this for me out of love. The last time we had this type of action my wife was giving my oral sex. The other woman came up from behind her and started to give her oral sex. That ended things then and there. But I understood, because we laid out the rules. The other woman kept saying “Lots of women say no FF play but change as things get going.” My wife said “not this woman”.

You sound a LOT like my wife! She has zero interest in being with another woman. Also, the sight of me with another woman does little for her at all. She does like to see me with another man. My play with another man rarely goes beyond oral play. As I read someone said this in another post, they were talking about being biSEXUAL. Meaning that they just loved to have sex with the same sex, but were not attracted to them or wanted to be in a relationship with them. My wife knows this and it drives her crazy!! So MFM is her idea of a great time because everyone plays with everyone.

 

Now for the FMF thing. I will say we have had more MFM than anything else. We have even had a few MFMF action. The few FMF we have had has more to do with my wife doing this for me out of love. The last time we had this type of action my wife was giving my oral sex. The other woman came up from behind her and started to give her oral sex. That ended things then and there. But I understood, because we laid out the rules. The other woman kept saying “Lots of women say no FF play but change as things get going.” My wife said “not this woman”.

I've been lurking on these boards off and on for a few years now. And I have to say that on some level I am the same way.

In theory, watching my SO with another female should be a turn on. Why? Because I know he will be enjoying himself, and that I like to see. However, the more practical side of me doesn't want to see it no matter how much I know he would enjoy himself. And me and the other girl playing together? I'm sure that would send him through the roof.

I will admit that I am a tiny bit bi-curious, but it has to be with the right person. However, going into the situation the other female has to know and agree to the guidelines. If something happened like what you are describing, that would have brought things to a screeching halt.

Anyway, to the OP.

Do what you are comfortable with and don't try to be something you are not. Too many men see the girls gone wild stuff and see too many pornos where the chicks are all over each other during a FMF and on some level I'm sure they think that there is a latent lesbian hiding in all of us. Pity that someone needs to bring them crashing back to reality. *lol*

HTH and good luck,

I've been lurking on these boards off and on for a few years now. And I have to say that on some level I am the same way.

 

In theory, watching my SO with another female should be a turn on. Why? Because I know he will be enjoying himself, and that I like to see. However, the more practical side of me doesn't want to see it no matter how much I know he would enjoy himself. And me and the other girl playing together? I'm sure that would send him through the roof.

 

I will admit that I am a tiny bit bi-curious, but it has to be with the right person. However, going into the situation the other female has to know and agree to the guidelines. If something happened like what you are describing, that would have brought things to a screeching halt.

 

Anyway, to the OP.

 

Do what you are comfortable with and don't try to be something you are not. Too many men see the girls gone wild stuff and see too many pornos where the chicks are all over each other during a FMF and on some level I'm sure they think that there is a latent lesbian hiding in all of us. Pity that someone needs to bring them crashing back to reality. *lol*

 

HTH and good luck,

Well said my friend! Welcome to the board. You raise a lot of good points in your post. I think a lot of guys see through porn movies and girls gone wild that female on female = HOT! It has been programmed into us that this should be the way it is. Even the women get a little of this programming as well. I remember my wife and I talking about me being “bi”. My wife almost felt guilty because she did not feel the same way. She said something like “two women together is what everyone wants to see. But two guys will make you gay in most people’s mind.” But I will say this, sorry guys, but women tend to be a little more open to two guys being together. I have read a lot more post with women saying “I wish my husband or boyfriend would do something like that! I think it is hot, but he would never in a million years because he tells me he ain’t gay.” :rollseyes

Again, welcome. Hope to hear from you again somewhere out there on the message board.

Ok, here goes. I was one of those "never in a million years," until a fairly recent encounter with a wonderful couple I had known for some time. She wanted to see her husband and I do oral on each other. We did. She loved it, a lot. Turns out we did too, partly for what it was, and partly because of her enthusiastic enjoyment.

I don't feel any different about me or them. It was simply another one of those very memorable things that can happen in this lifestyle.

Rob

Ok, here goes. I was one of those "never in a million years," until a fairly recent encounter with a wonderful couple I had known for some time. She wanted to see her husband and I do oral on each other. We did. She loved it, a lot. Turns out we did too, partly for what it was, and partly because of her enthusiastic enjoyment.

 

I don't feel any different about me or them. It was simply another one of those very memorable things that can happen in this lifestyle.

 

Rob

Yeah, see I can understand this if the wife is really into voyeur. However, I've found (in my limited experience I'll admit) that most of the wives that want to watch are there more to inspect lol than enjoy. I just cannot do that!