Being 'selective' stinks

I’ve decided that being picky or ‘selective’ in swinger PC speak really just sucks. We are looking for a certain set of traits in both personality and looks which limits us to only a small subset of swingers, then added to that they have to like us, so when all is said and done we have one maybe out of 20 some emails. Even in a major metropolitan area like we are in, you burn though the available swingers fast.

On the flip side we have old friends who are much less selective than we are. They tend to do more, and seem to have more fun in the lifestyle by a good margin. When I've met the couples they have played with, most would not be in our strike zone.

Now this isn’t a whine really, we can’t change what is attractive to us. I, the male, am more selective than she is. I’ve never been after perfection but I’m looking for a body type, personality, and education that is hard to find all three in. She is a bit more liberal in her tastes, but even so can be picky in her own right.

So where am I going with this? Well out of curiosity and as a discussion topic.

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

I think we're fairly picky.

I think that I (female) might be a little bit pickier than he is, but not much. I take that back - it's about equal. We both need to be physically attracted and we both need to feel comfortable around them, easy conversation, etc. We need to like them, even if we've only known them for an hour before play. Best of all are people we can laugh with, the kind that we could become friends with.

Yes, we definitely play with people we wouldn't date. This isn't dating....swinging is sex for fun. In fact, I've become increasingly irritated in how couples make all of this so much harder by choosing fuck buddies based on their DATING criteria. It took me years to find my wonderful soulmate, Mr. Tybee. That is special and totally separate from the process of finding fun friends to fuck with. Soulmates/dating/love/romance is not anywhere near the same game to me as finding swing partners....not even remotely the same.

I’ve never been after perfection but I’m looking for a body type, personality, and education that is hard to find all three in.

I'm very curious...what is the type you're most interested in?

 

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

First let me say that we are fairly liberal in who we play with....but at the same time we don't feel we've ever taken one for the team.

I (Jayson) am probably more picky than Lisa is, which is really kind of interesting, since Lisa could have just about any man she wanted. I, on the other hand am 47 with some gray hair, and need to lose weight. As for looks though I'm an average looking guy...so not dog ugly or repulsive or anything.

Maybe I'm lucky that I have Lisa and her good looks opens up more possibilities for me. Maybe the other couple is so hot for Lisa (she is bi) that the lady of the other couple doesn't mind being with me.

We also mostly play at on premise clubs, love exhibitionism and voyeurism, and maybe this helps us out, since we don't mind getting naked and doing "it" in front of others. Oftentimes that seems to be an invitation for someone to join us.

Lisa has been much more "satisfied" by men who are probably over 40, and not a muscle bound young stud.

Yes we've played with couples that we'd never date if we were vanilla. But then we tend to be with younger couples, and I'd never date someone so young in the real world.

Tammy is definately more picky than I am. Seems like she's getting pickier these days too But my glass is always half full, so I can usually(definately not always lol) find something sexy/attractive with a woman to be interested in her. But the problem with us is, Tam is such a natural flirt, it's hard to get a read on her intentions as the night progresses :rollseyes. I have to pull her out to the dance floor and ask her if she's really interested in the husband Other times, she'll surprise me and ask if we're all ready to go to our room I've quit trying to figure her out Now when we go to the dances, I leave all expectations at home....other than having a fun time out partying together. And it works out that we play maybe half the time.

Brett

Tammy is definately more picky than I am. Seems like she's getting pickier these days too But my glass is always half full, so I can usually(definately not always lol) find something sexy/attractive with a woman to be interested in her. But the problem with us is, Tam is such a natural flirt, it's hard to get a read on her intentions as the night progresses :rollseyes. I have to pull her out to the dance floor and ask her if she's really interested in the husband Other times, she'll surprise me and ask if we're all ready to go to our room I've quit trying to figure her out Now when we go to the dances, I leave all expectations at home....other than having a fun time out partying together. And it works out that we play maybe half the time.

 

Brett

Brett, I couldn't have described us better than you just did. There is one small difference though Mr. GT is the picky one.

Just last weekend I saw a couple that I thought was attractive and Mr. GT said no. A half hour later he is playing grab-ass with the girl. I had to pull him into another room and ask him again what his intentions were because I had been avoiding the husband all night. He says, still no, just flirting. I just go along for the ride, with veto power of course.

I’ve decided that being picky or ‘selective’ in swinger PC speak really just sucks. We are looking for a certain set of traits in both personality and looks which limits us to only a small subset of swingers, then added to that they have to like us, so when all is said and done we have one maybe out of 20 some emails. Even in a major metropolitan area like we are in, you burn though the available swingers fast.

Great thread!

This is something I've thought about a bit as well. We're still new, having only been at this a few months. I'd consider us somewhat selective. There are new couples signing up all the time, but I wonder how long it would take before we're in the same boat. There are a few couples we've seen multiple times, and hope to keep those things going. But realistically, sooner or later people will leave our lives.

On the flip side we have old friends who are much less selective than we are. They tend to do more, and seem to have more fun in the lifestyle by a good margin. When I've met the couples they have played with, most would not be in our strike zone.

 

Now this isn’t a whine really, we can’t change what is attractive to us. I, the male, am more selective than she is. I’ve never been after perfection but I’m looking for a body type, personality, and education that is hard to find all three in. She is a bit more liberal in her tastes, but even so can be picky in her own right.

I'd put it a slightly different way... it's hard to change what we find unattractive, whether it's a big belly, bad teeth, or cocky attitude. There's effectively a floor on the level of attractiveness that each of us can be turned on by, when the potential playmates have personalities and attitudes we like.

I am curious about the selectivity on education, though. You're not hiring them, are you? Mr. Fuse and I both have advanced degrees in technical fields, but I couldn't care less whether my playmates can count in hex, diagram a sentence, or quote Whitman. We do care that they are somewhat intelligent and have active minds, but if they haven't finished high school, I don't give a hoot -- as long as they are old enough to have done so .

So where am I going with this? Well out of curiosity and as a discussion topic.

 

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Yes, although I'm still using the term "selective" . I'm not disillusioned about it yet.

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

Definitely me, the female. Mr. Fuse is, well, a guy. Plus as has been discussed often, there are a lot of mis-matched couples out there. We just went to a club last Saturday for the first time. Man oh man, there were so many stereotypical couples where the woman was hot and put together, and the guy was nowhere near as attractive. Mr. Fuse liked several women, but there was only one guy I liked. Most of the women I liked more than the men .

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

No and yes. Looks-wise, no. As I wrote above, there's a certain floor on looks, and it was the same thing when I was in the vanilla dating scene.

For personality, attitude and education, we are much more flexible, as I also wrote above. We like meeting people who are unlike those in our vanilla social groups, and playing with them. But I would not have dated them (except just casually). For a more serious vanilla relationship, other things would have come into play (no pun intended), like education, future prospects, "book" smarts, family, political values, the overall paradigm one lives in, etc. But to hang out with people and enjoy their company and have steamy sex, it's just personality, attitude and physical attraction for us.

I just go along for the ride, with veto power of course.

....that's exactly how I feel, Mrs GT.

Brett

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

1. Overall the both of us are fairly picky when it comes to choosing play partners. It actually bothers us when people want to jump right into meeting and often times wanting to play that day/night because we want to at least get of feel of who's who and what's what. Usually, if the male is running the show or the female and if there is truly a genuine interest in us both by all parties involved because we have been burned with the "socially bisexual" game before. Or, "couples" using the female to lure us in for the male. So, through this "process" we usually find people that have a real interest in us and not just wanting to hit the hay right off.

2. Being a female couple.. ..We are both picky. Actually, one more than the other. For example: If, one finds a couple attractive the other may think the male is not appealing. It's a weird process for us when finding people.

3. No. We don't. And, it's so that we know the both of us would be comfortable and have a good time. We feel that we may have "taken one for the team" in our private lifes but when it comes to living in a world of fantasy (if that is the best way to describe the lifestyle) we should follow through and not settle.

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Absolutely, wish I weren't as picky as I am, but that is just the way I am wired I guess.

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

As she has already noted, my strike zone is much narrower than Mrs. GT's.

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

Yes, my strike zone in swinging is pretty narrow but back in my dating days I was even pickier. In fact, my dating strike zone was miniscule compared to my play strike zone. I think that is because the goal is different though. When I was dating, I wouldn't date someone that I didn't think their was a possibility of having a long term relationship with. In swinging it is much simpler, the only criteria is if the woman and I have an attraction and interact in a way that is sexually stimulating.

A year ago we were told (by the male of a couple we didn't play with but the couple has been swingers over 10 yrs).. "You know how someone is attractive to you, but then you get to know them and they aren't anymore? Well.....fuck them all fast before that happens and you will have more fun"......

I (the female) still kinda like to talk a bit first but it depends cuz we like group room play and sometimes things just flow and happen in the right group.

I'd have to say neither of us consider ourselves picky, except in one way....the other people HAVE to want to just have FUN.

S

Selective is what we are and what we will remain. We don't compromise for the sake of numbers. There are always new swingers out there, just socialize, visit different clubs, go on road trips and enjoy.....

I never regret being selective but I have regreted a few occasions when I wasn't...

Selective is what we are and what we will remain. We don't compromise for the sake of numbers. There are always new swingers out there, just socialize, visit different clubs, go on road trips and enjoy.....

 

I never regret being selective but I have regreted a few occasions when I wasn't...

Dito Amanda! It's not about numbers if that were the case all the money we've spent on this activity could have gone to many professional sex-perts. Now those would be big numbers!

I admit I can be very selective. But it is not all physically based, it is also personality as well. I find a man who is personable, outgoing and fun very appealing and he doesn't have to look like movie star either. But there are some definate turn offs:

• No spark/attraction
  
• Bad hygiene
  
• Someone who is WAY too forward, way too soon
  
• Is too quiet, no conversation, does not make me feel attractive in anyway
  

Personality is a big thing for me and you can be a hot bod but if there is no personality it isn't going to work. Hubby is less picky than I am, but we have still managed to find some nice partners.

In fact if you look at the men of the couples that I have chosen to play with you will probably see a pattern and most of them are big flirts who like to have a fun.

There is nothing wrong in being picky, except when you get so picky that you limit yourself to the point of hardly having anyone fun and not finding suitable partners.

Just some clarifications so the thread doesn't necessarily become about what we the Chicups find attractive, and stays on the more general course.

Education: When I bring up education I don't expect them to have PhD's, but I do expect them to be able to string two sentences together and use semi-proper grammar and pronunciation. Very intelligent and educated women are in fact a turn on for me, Mrs. Chicup has an IQ of 156. On the other hand I didn't know she had an IQ like that when I first had sex with her WAY back when so its not a requirement

The 'date' question: I didn't phrase that well. Instead of date what I should have said was something more like 'Would you have sex with someone in swinging that you wouldn't have sex with were you a single'. Dating implies a long term relationship.

Would you have sex with someone in swinging that you wouldn't have sex with were you a single'.

Chicup,

If I were single and just looking for sex...I'd have sex with anyone I met at a club that seemed like fun. Pretty much like we do now.

If I were looking for a more long term relationship, then all the married guys and gals are off the table.

Some of the BEST sex I've ever enjoyed with semi-strangers were not physically appealing but they sure knew what to do.

S

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

I the female half am more picky than mr. Curious. He is your typical Human where its nice to get a great body, great sense of humor, well rounded person BUT as we alllllllll know its not like that very often in the Vanilla world so its even harder in the Lifestyle to find, So he is perfectly ok with a great sense of humor and personality and he will forgo any body type (within reason) I on the other hand being a woman of Bigger stature have big ol issues, I have been called a Hypocrite among other things because I do not prefer being with bigger guys I like Skinny not even Muscles just plain ol skinny and because of this I have turned away many people (not to say that if Mr Muscles walked in and said hey baby lets go I would turn him down) BUT its not my preference so yes I am picky much more than Mr curious BUT I still get mine so its A ok

The 'date' question: I didn't phrase that well. Instead of date what I should have said was something more like 'Would you have sex with someone in swinging that you wouldn't have sex with were you a single'. Dating implies a long term relationship.

This clarification helps a lot.

For simply recreational sex, married or single (I was single-again from age 39 - early 40's), I would choose the same now with swinging as I did when single -- more open to different types than what I would date. I had my first FMF while I was single a few years ago, and I wouldn't have dated or married the husband of the couple I was with (if he'd been available). He was very nice (intelligent, personable, well groomed, sexually skilled), the experience was very good and quite memorable for me, but he was not at all my type physically.

21 years ago, when I was last single I was very picky and, as I said before, I wouldn't have sex with anyone unless they had long term potential. That is probably why I had only a couple of other sex partners before Mrs. GT. If I were to become single again for some reason, I would probably be no pickier than I am now in swinging.

Well.....fuck them all fast before that happens and you will have more fun"......

Or as they might say in the military: Fuck 'em all, let god sort 'em out.

We're not very picky. Hey... it's meaningless sex.... for FUN!

But to each their own.

I’ve never been after perfection but I’m looking for a body type, personality, and education that is hard to find all three in.

Hey Chicup I have an education, a personality, an a body type!!!

3 for 3

I too am probably going to be picky when my time comes

Your friend,

Prettylady

Do you think of yourself as picky?

On-line, yes because there is no "vibe" to go off of. We pretty much have given up with meeting folks on-line because a few pictures and paragraphs don't tell us enough about them to know if we'd be interested or not. In person; however, we are moderately picky in that we won't go with just anyone but our "standards" are much more relaxed and it's more about having fun.

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

We're pretty much on the same page.

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

Yes, but not extreme cases.

Hubby is the more selective of the two of us. I enjoy men who are a little bigger, but I'm flexible (well, physically too lol) Hubby prefers a particular type of woman. The tough part is when I've contacted a couple, really like the gentleman and he vetoes due to the woman

A personality is a must though for me at least and I believe with hubby as well. That's just part of the turn on for us.

Whether you are or aren't selective - if you are comfortable with it, that's all that matters!

Hubby prefers a particular type of woman.

I am so interested and curious about this. What is the one particular type he's only interested in?

Do you think of yourself as picky?

Is it the male half of the couple or female half that is the most picky?

Do you play with couples who’s other half you wouldn’t date if you were vanilla?

Mr. WS

I am so interested and curious about this. What is the one particular type he's only interested in?

Maybe 'particular type' is not the right phrase... there are certain qualities he wants the ladies to have... One of them is to take pride in their appearance. Not that they have to be stick thin, but at least take care of themselves. He likes a 'cute' woman.

He likes things that aren't quite describable (hmm, did I make a new word? lol), but I usually know them when I see them (or he points them out to me).

Recently we met a couple where I've hit it off with the male and female (though it's a straight couple) but he just was not attracted to the female, so it was a no-go

I being a single male who is bi-adventurous /(tri-sexual?) am less picky when looking for couples than if I was looking for someone to date...

As far as you’re rephrasing the question Chicup (for basic pickup and sex), since I never tried to picking up a single for a quick lay I don't know... my guess is that my standards are about the same... I need some looks (can't be a 'dog' and with rare exception no larger than Wal-Mart’s BBW sizes); must be clean (no hard drugs, diseases, and recently showered), can utter educated sentences (more than "I'm free do you want to phuck?" and shouldn’t use pejoratives in ever sentence... ); and the couple must come off as they both want the thing to happen (if one looks hesitant/or doesn't chat online without good reason)... Otherwise, I move on.

Maybe 'particular type' is not the right phrase... there are certain qualities he wants the ladies to have... One of them is to take pride in their appearance. Not that they have to be stick thin, but at least take care of themselves. He likes a 'cute' woman.

 

He likes things that aren't quite describable (hmm, did I make a new word? lol), but I usually know them when I see them (or he points them out to me).

 

Recently we met a couple where I've hit it off with the male and female (though it's a straight couple) but he just was not attracted to the female, so it was a no-go

Thanks for the explanation! I totally relate to the way your hubbie picks them...it's the same for me. I am attracted to different "types", but certainly those who take pride in their appearance and grooming. There's got to be that certain chemistry spark to set off my "interested" button, which isn't as easy to define.

Some men are only attracted to certain hair colors or breast size, or some other particular feature or set of features like that. This is what I envisioned being a "particular type only" kind of guy. We know of one guy in our area who writes in great detail in their profile how only women with very small breasts need apply, and no others will be considered. LOL We met them at a gathering and recognized them from their profile. He was unattractive. His wife was the only woman at the whole event that he would have considered - she was very skinny and probably AA cup. Everybody else had bigger boobs and were not worthy. Poor guy, destined to be a lonely swinger!

I might have a chance with that guy Tybee - I'm barely a b cup!!! lol

I might have a chance with that guy Tybee - I'm barely a b cup!!! lol

I'm sorry sweetheart, but you are far too curvy for this guy!! But trust me - you didn't miss out on anything.

I am far less selective/picky than she is when choosing playmates. Neither of us is as picky as we would be if we were dating though. I'm more the "She's attractive because of hair/smile/eyes/laugh" while she is the exact opposite and has a hard time over looking things she finds unattractive. Neither of us have a particular "type" we must have either. After the first impression we just go by vibe. There are also levels of attractiveness that can change based on personality and sense of humour.

We've only had one threesome and are just beginning the search for a couple, but I don't think looks are as important as how comfortable you feel with a person. I had lots of great phone sex with the guy we chose and he met us as an anniversary present to ourselves. He came well dressed and brought along a bottle of champagne. We had a few drinks before going to our hotel room. I think it was just that he looked at me as if he really wanted me. Shared desire is a key thing. I got really hot knowing he wanted me and that hubby was sitting there excited and with a huge grin. We already knew what each other wanted and enjoyed as well because of our phone conversations so there were absolutely no awkward moments. I think someone would really have to be rude or very ugly for that to play a major role. To me, it is more about shared desire and compatability of sexual preferences. Maybe I'll get picky if we have a bad experience, but for now I'm all for being as open minded as possible.

S

(Post #19 ) We do not get the chance to be selective. I am a bigger girl and because of that we don't get to many responses. Even though I am very smart and fun and pretty, alot of people see BBW and immediatly turn the other way. Thats ok with me because when I do get this extra weight off I will be one of the "beautiful ones" again and boy will they be sorry!!

Minnie

(Post #19 ) We do not get the chance to be selective. I am a bigger girl...

Hey now, don't sell yourself short. A lot of people like BBWs. The number of responses to your ad does not accurately calculate the number of potential admirers that you would have in person. I think internet ads are a difficult and strange way to meet people anyway.

I'm about ready to discontinue our ad because we prefer to meet people in person where there's more than a few pictures and awkward paragraphs to go on.

I am not a BBW but have been known to be very BBW friendly. *wiggles eyebrows*

I would guess that there is a correlation between the degree of friendship people look for before play, and how selective they are.

We are getting to a point were we have enough friends we have met that we enjoy being around vertically as much as horizontally (true friends) that we are becoming much more selective about who we will meet with 2-on-2. But it’s more a factor of who we want to spend time with than who we will have sex with. I differentiate that because we will have sex with people that we would not other wise hang out with, if they surpass the “minimum requirements”; good grooming and hygiene, moderate attractiveness, an obvious attraction to us, a good relationship with each other, and friendliness.

Don’t get me wrong. If someone meets just the minimums we won’t have sex with them. But if they meet the minimums AND are funny, sexy, really nice, and/or intellectually stimulating…we have a good chance of ending up naked with them (at least once).

We definitely have sex with people we would not have dated. Just like we will have sex with people that we might not become true friends with.

When it comes to just sex N was pickier at first. We were about the same after a month or two. I have been slightly pickier lately. Go figure???

Mr.

Edited to add "(at least once)" to third paragraph

Hi,

And thanks for the response. Being novices, I guess we just haven't come across what you are talking about. I can't imagine having to deal with someone with poor hygeine etc. Uggh! I also can't imagine a large number of encounters, which would of course increase the risk of undesireable characters. We had one threesome (MFM) 15 years ago and just decided to try something new again. Hopefully, all will go well, and we'll meet a great couple to play with. Our first experience was great! It hasn't been from lack of interest, but from a hectic lifestyle. I can also see how you could become pickier with time when the initial thrill wears down a little. Right now, just thinking about all the fun scenerios has us jumping into bed 4 times a day. LOL.

Thanks again,

NJ_couple_fun

My hubby is a perverse mix of pickiness and perfectly capable of sexing up anyone with a stable core body temp. I, on the other hand, have a laundry list of items the person would have to adhere to in order for me to feel comfy. Personality and intellect are SO IMPORTANT to me that the stereotypically unattractive person can make me swoon and get goosebumps if they have a captivating personality and keen mind. Of course, I have not had occasion to test whether my attraction translates to the bedroom but I think it will.

The only way I'm selective is,"what kind of guy I want my Pretttylady to play with". This is going to sound down right BAD,but here it is in a nutshell."WEIGHT ISSUES" I guess that also goes for me too!!! Since both of us are in above avg shape for our age brackets we tend to look for they same. We are not looking for the Barbie and Ken type but shape and SIZE does matter!!! If I have offended anyone and I know I have . I apologize but that is the way I am!!!

I call them as I see them and at least that makes and keeps me HONEST to me and everyone.