How do we get over this experience? - couple we met may have tried to drug our drinks

My wife and I took a vacation last weekend for our one year anniversary. We stayed in an awesome hotel that has a reputation for swingers. My wife had told me a few weeks ago that she wanted to give me another woman for our anniversary. We had met up with some friends for drinks before dinner. While we were sitting at the bar a couple started talking to my wife. After an hour of talking to them my wife invited them to have dinner with us. During dinner, it came up that my wife wanted to be with a woman that night for me. The woman that we were having dinner with loved the idea. The guy was a little too eager. This is where it turned bad. About every 10 minutes they would say “let’s just take these drinks upstairs”. I started to get very uncomfortable. I did not want the guy to be anywhere near mainly because he was not attractive and was starting to get a little creepy. Just before dinner ended, they motioned for one of their friends to join us. This guy was even sleazier than the first. Soon it turned into a bad used car routine trying to get us upstairs. The second shady guy asked if we wanted to get some air on the balcony. My wife said yes and I did not want her to go alone. While we were outside I just got a really bad vibe. We came right back in to see the woman mixing our wine glasses up. I grabbed wife and walked upstairs to our room.

WOW! That is terrible! I'm so sorry that you had this experience. But you did the right thing, if you feel things aren't right, you need to get out of there. Maybe you should develop a code word or something to signal that things are not right and you need to leave.

~SS

Holy cow how creepy! We had kind of a creepy experience when we were newbies too, and shortly afterwards found this board. We quickly came up with code words, which we actually never had to use after that lol. Nowadays, if something like that ever happened again...I'd look em in the eye and tell them to take a long walk off a short pier. Which I guess could be a code! Especially if they don't get it.....

Rest assured, in our experience most swingers are not like that. We've had great luck meeting fun, hot people who love each other. Hang in there!

Mrs.

At every picnic you get a few ants, and occasionally, a few wasps.

Their behavior wasn't uncommon, but it wasn't the "norm" in the swinging community either. Most experienced couples...probably 95% or so...will sense that you're new to the lifestyle, and offer to "take you under their wing" until you're comfortable proceeding alone. All with no expectations from you, of course.

The other 5% will pounce on you like a junk-yard dog on a bone.

Give it another try. The odds are good that this time, you'll meet some of the "good" couples.

Most experienced couples...probably 95% or so...will sense that you're new to the lifestyle, and offer to "take you under their wing" until you're comfortable proceeding alone. All with no expectations from you, of course.

 

The other 5% will pounce on you like a junk-yard dog on a bone.

 

Give it another try. The odds are good that this time, you'll meet some of the "good" couples.

This is true, 95% of swingers aren't like that. I am so sorry that happened to you, it sounds like you handled it really well, and got the hell out of dodge. I agree you should give it another try, take your time entering into the arena, but definately understand that most swingers aren't pushy , creepy, etc. Pushiness is major turn off for many swingers. I hope this helps...best wishes.

You'll get over it because the second try will be soooo much better.

M.D.

Most swingers aren't like these ones, this is true, but also, that perhaps you two should review your actions as the sight of other swingers expectations and how they may understand the signs both you or you wife gave to them.

You said you were pursuing a FMF encounter, and that you both agreed on that, but you took seat with a couple. There was another guy there, what was you expecting to happen? This guy was supposed to take a drink in the balcony while the three of you was having fun? If so, did you or your wife made this expectation explicit?

To me it doesn't seems so. From your words, it seems your wife got herself carried on, that besides wanting to give you another woman as a "gift" she wanted to explore her own by side with her as well, that she suddenly faced a woman she liked and supposed it would be ok to let things evolve "magically" into the scenario she was fantasizing, aplying a wishfull thinking that made her unaware of the signs this other couple was giving to you two. Since you're a couple CHOOSING to sit with another couple, they had the right to suppose you were looking for a foursome INSTEAD of the original threesome you had in mind, and it is YOUR responsability to avoid missleading other people's expectations.

At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if they gave you implicit sings to ask you if a fivesome could be fine, and your wife gave them back an OK because she was unaware of what was going on in that table!

You went to a swingers place, you'd know you'll meet people with THEIR OWN expectations and with the RIGHT to fulfill them, people aware of the amount of people around you, from where to choose the proper ones to spend your time with because they're the ones able to fulfill YOUR expectations as to suppose that, just by being there, you all have a basic common ground from where to start something that IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE a foursome (and NOT a threesome), unless explicitly stated otherwise from the very begining, something you didn't mentioned you did.

Inside a swingers place there are codes, there are idioms swingers knows and suppose everyone's else is aware of, unless you tell them beforehand you're new and lack of experience, which, from your words, again none of you told them.

As in every new place you fall in, it is YOUR responsability to adapt yourself to the environment, to learn the codes and use the idioms people around are using, and with the SAME meaning they expect you to use it. Taking seat with another couple IS one of these idioms, YOU TWO were the ones who didn't took the efort, or who naively tought these idioms shouldn't be important enough for the people around you. You cannot expect, nor ask people to suddenly throw away the well known idioms and start over from the scratch with the idiom you're purposing to them to use.

You two enter a place where people speak Chinesse, a place labeled as "A Chinesse Place", spend a long time speaking English to people who was speaking back to you in Chinesse, and smiling to them as if you were understanding Chinesse, wich is something very prone to confussions, and then blame on these people because of the confussion?

I don't know what happend afterwards with the drinks, nor endorse it should it happend, but to that point the drinks stuff became irrelevant, unless you want me to believe that shouldn't this happen, you two would have ending up in a room making the fivesome.

I agree, if you were doing everithing right, these people are not representative of the vast majority of the lifestylers. But what I know for sure is that youd did everithing the wrong way, wich allows me tu suppose you could missunderstand a lot of what happend over that table, as to give for granted these guys missbehaved.

And I tell you this because, should you engage into a swinger place again, you will have to learn the codes and understand the idioms, because if you two do again what you already did, even if you were with the most pristine swingers in the face of world, the most likely is that the experience will end up being a nightmare for you.

And for this to happen, you two will have to arrange beforehand what are you looking for, which are the limits, pay attention to each other feelings and reactions and find the ways to ensure you remain in the same page all the time. You failed to do this, you two were not in the same page, facing a couple who seemed to be in the same page between themselves, as to blame them from not being in "the same page", while no one of you two knew in wich page you were.

Swinging can be great, or can be a dissaster. It is a risky activity that you cannot take lightly as if you were choosing the movie at the Blockbuster you want to watch tonight. If you take it lightly, rest ensured things like this experience WILL happen again. It is up to you two to understand the risks you face, and to take preventive measures very seriously. And if you dislike the risk, if you dislike the required effort, don't be so naive to suppose they doesn't exist just because you dislike them, instead... just don't try to swing.

Well, there's the long and short of it.

Great advice, Sereneiders

Male D

Wow, not a good scene but you were able to see that it wasn't going well and left together. That was the perfect response to an uncomfortable situation.

It isn't always easy finding others to play with but persevere you will find them and when you do, you will enjoy it a lot.

We came right back in to see the woman mixing our wine glasses up. I grabbed wife and walked upstairs to our room.

Boy that sounds like a CourtTV movie in the making, glad you bailed safely !!!!

While we were outside I just got a really bad vibe. We came right back in to see the woman mixing our wine glasses up. I grabbed wife and walked upstairs to our room.

OMG!! These people are not swingers! They're rapists! That is, if she was doing what I think she was doing, which was drugging your drinks. I would've taken the wine glasses, said SEE YA, and looked for the nearest cop. I'd be curious to see if they would've tested them somehow to see if they'd been drugged. If they were, these used car salesmen would be in a shitload of trouble.

I've heard about this sort of thing happening. Your instincts were right on target; never ignore them when it comes to your safety! Just take this as a learning experience: NEVER leave your drink unattended (esp. when it comes to any situation where one party or the other might be looking for sex), say goodbye early to pushy, sleazy assholes, and don't just "put up with" the totally unattractive half of a couple just to get at the attractive half. It just ain't worth it.

Don't go to a hotel (where the rooms are sooo accessible and there's an expectation of them being used). Find yourselves a good off-premises swingers club, where there are bouncers to remove the leeches (like the two bozos you dealt with earlier), there are explicitly enforced rules of conduct, and where you'll be much more likely to find experienced playcouples who are in great relationships who are just out having a good time. I'd STILL not leave my drink unattended, but this is just commonsense. Drugs and overindulgence in alcohol are not tolerated at reputable clubs.

Don't use your frightening experience as the yard stick by which to measure the lifestyle. Like I said, they're not swingers, they're rapists. Check out getting started and the FAQ section here on the board. You'll find a much better picture of what the lifestyle is meant to be. Good luck!

You said you were pursuing a FMF encounter, and that you both agreed on that, but you took seat with a couple. There was another guy there, what was you expecting to happen? This guy was supposed to take a drink in the balcony while the three of you was having fun? If so, did you or your wife made this expectation explicit?.

My wife had made it very clear in the beginning that she only wanted a woman to join us. It was what brought up the conversation. I do admit my wife was being VERY naive. She saw that the woman was more than willing and I was getting very turned on. She just lost site of the reality of the situation. My wife is 25 with beautiful new D’s and a fantastic body so I don’t fault the guys for being attracted to her. Just don’t try to rape her.

We had a wonderful talk about it last night and fantastic sex replaying what should have happened. She has not given up her quest to make this happen so it should be a great month trying…….

Would a weekend at Hedonism be too much to start with or should we just try a local club first? We are also a little worried of the social ramifications of being labeled in the lifestyle. I hope I did not offend someone with that but I am mildly successful and would hate to derail a great career by ignorance.

Thank goodness you two got away safe. Really. You seem like half of a nice couple, and I feel badly that you had this experience at all, let alone on your first try.

Intuition is right; those people are rapists. They have probably raped before and will do so again. They belong in jail where they can't harm anyone.

My husband and I have been in the lifestyle for a few months, and we've only met nice people who are in good relationships and respect others.

The off-premise club sounds like a good idea. We've had good luck choosing couples from SLS, and meeting with them once first before considering playing. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up, but if you take a step back you might realize there are red flags you didn't see at first.

Good luck, and best wishes!

My wife had made it very clear in the beginning that she only wanted a woman to join us. It was what brought up the conversation. I do admit my wife was being VERY naive. She saw that the woman was more than willing and I was getting very turned on. She just lost site of the reality of the situation. My wife is 25 with beautiful new D’s and a fantastic body so I don’t fault the guys for being attracted to her. Just don’t try to rape her.

 

We had a wonderful talk about it last night and fantastic sex replaying what should have happened. She has not given up her quest to make this happen so it should be a great month trying…….

 

Would a weekend at Hedonism be too much to start with or should we just try a local club first? We are also a little worried of the social ramifications of being labeled in the lifestyle. I hope I did not offend someone with that but I am mildly successful and would hate to derail a great career by ignorance.

I'd say the place isn't much of a matter for as long as you two are in the same page. Once there, just be honest and up front about what you're looking for, and ask the same from the people around you. If they're not, if they're pushy, or if your guts tells any of you something isn't right, just tell them politelly "well guys, no thanks, we don't feel confortable" and look for someone else.

One usefull thing is to agree beforehand a sign between you and your wife, to let each other know when one of you feels something odd (either from the other people, or from feeling some of you lost the page). Once one of you does the sign, then both of you should act as if you two were just one person to call off the situation. It's exremelly important for you two to understand you two have to act monolitically.

Any misunderstanding you may face about what's going on, any doubt you may have about what the hell the other one is doing, must be clarified PRIVATELLY, without third ones around you, and even less if they was involved in the situation. It is Ok to ask the other people for a break, gat away from them and discuss something privatelly between you two, just to go back there and go on with your original business, without having to provide any explanation.

The golden rule among swingers is "no means no", this mean people have to take a rejection well, and they shouldn't ask "why?" because that would mean they're not taking the rejection but looking for a way to overcome it. So, reject people politely is something valid and expected among lifestylers, try to overcome a rejection, to convince, to argue, to push, is the unwanted behavior. Don't let yourself be missleaded by these people should you meet them.

When you go to a swinger's place, when you meet other swingers, you're not in a casual vanilla meeting, many social rules regarding the expected behavior doesn't apply anymore, because it is supposed that shit happens and the couples have the right to take preventive or corrective measures about it, and that isn't anyone else's business. If someone else have a problem that prevent you from taking these measures, if someone else have a problem with this not being his/her business, then he/she is the one missbehaving.

So, you're not supposed to remain sitting in a table to take some bulshit you didn't asked for in the first place. It is supposed you TWO will call it off or ask for a break to discuss what's going on privatelly. And if you don't call it off nor ask for a break, then you'd be implicitly telling the other guys that you two are up to this bullshit, whatever it were.

People around you expects you to protect your own interests, limits and tastes, to make them clear, and if you don't, no one else will look after them for you.

So, if you two manage to understand this, the place to go will be a matter of personal taste and you two would be doing it ok.

As for the label stuff, many of us are closet lifestylers, that want to preserve ourselves from being publicly labeled. At a club most people you'll find will have the same attitude towards swinging, and will require and valuate discretion. I wouldn't worry too much about this, because even if you were finding someone you know inside the club, well, they will be facing the same problem you face.

Have good luck!

wow! you ran into the worst,and you did the write thing gettin out of there. we have learned to be aware ,we watch each others backs at all times just for that reason. now we have found 99% swingers are just not like that. we also keep a black list of anyone who would do such a thing. we seem to get people asking about this cpl or that cpl and we just dont give out info about anyone unless they are on our shit list and these people would be on it.

My husband and I ran into a similiar problem our first time out of the gate. Our problem was this couple was into drugs, specifically cocaine. You did the right thing by leaving. I have learned that this lifestyle is full of people who are decent, caring and honest people. Probably more honest than those you would find in the vanilla world. People in this lifestyle actually live by their honesty, because that is the only way to have a successful marraige and enjoy the fun you can have here. So don't judge them all by this one bad experience. You will find this experience is not the norm. After the first bad experience we had, we met a couple who we have spent a wonderful fun filled weekend with. It was our first time swinging with this couple, and we are so looking forward to doing this many more times in the future.

I agree that this is good advice, but it's a tad bit confusing and harsh. I know that ignorance is no excuse but come on. No beginner is perfect, mistakes are something that WE as beginners make.