Looking for friendship more than sex, where to find it?

It's very difficult sorting through this bombardment of "no strings attached sexual encounters" to find REAL people who just want to go out and have a good time. We don't want to go out with a couple who would think a night not ending in sex is "incomplete." There is of course a sexual side to it, but more than that we want to hang out with a couple that we can feel like we aren't making uncomfortable with our intimacy (the way that we make our friends feel uncomfortable with it).

 

If we were single, we wouldn't be the people to fuck on the first date unless something really special happened, and we apply the same idea to swinging.

 

Should we look for a more experienced couple that can be patient with us? A new to swinging couple that we could explore this with together? Would it be better to look online, at an off-site, or an on-site?

 

Thanks a lot for your help and advice!

Hey, look back through these threads and also the "introduction" threads and you're going to find a lot of couples just like yourselves.

 

I think it's great to become friends first! And, a lot of other folks do too!

 

Good luck and enjoy,

Rich

Everyone has a different spin on this and here's our's. We are here for the sex and if we become friends even better. When we go out there's intent but never an expectation. We make sure those we are going out with are not wasting our time with wanting to be friends only. For us that is "posing", wanting to be in the lifestyle but not wanting to do the lifestyle. We can read the profiles and tell if friends are what the other couple is looking for and we avoid those. We respect other's who want to be friends and we've made quite a few friends in the lifestyle but that's not why we are here.

...We make sure those we are going out with are not wasting our time with wanting to be friends only. For us that is "posing", wanting to be in the lifestyle but not wanting to do the lifestyle. We can read the profiles and tell if friends are what the other couple is looking for and we avoid those...

"Posing" is a great word choice. We also avoid these people. You may think that sounds like we are therefore looking for cold, hard sex, and that's all, but it's far from it. We take great care in who we choose to meet and our ideal is to find a few couples we could enjoy a longterm swing relation with. Such people we hope would become our friends.

 

In the two years we've been swinging I have learned that swingers are as varied as non-swingers: you like some, adore some, and detest others. Some swingers tip-toe into swinging but seem hesitant to really indulge and those are the people we avoid; their profiles stress becoming good friends first, doing family outings, barbecues, etc. For these people getting to know you well before sex could mean many dates before even soft play begins, IF it happens at all. If this is what you want (but I don't think it is) they are out there. The more profiles you read the more adept you'll become at spotting these couples.

 

I feel most swingers understand that sex isn't expected on the first meet. You can make your wishes known in your profile. Let others understand in your profile how you see swinging as being satisfying to you. I've looked at your myspace page and I think you'd do a great job of communicating your desires in an ad profile. Focus on being approachable, fun, friendly...unless you're not any of these things.

 

Meeting in person, at a club, can be ideal because you get an instant take on people. Give it a try and see if you like the club scene. That environment isn't right for everyone; some people prefer more personal meetings in quieter places, one on one.

 

Experienced couples aren't necessarily patient, so don't make that presumption. Newbies can be clumsy and nervous but great fun to pair up with. Heck, you can both go in laughing at yourselves, if your sense of humor is a match, it's a great way to reduce nervousness.

 

Good luck and Welcome to the Board!

 

LM

Thanks for the advice!

 

It's important to me that we don't come off as "posers."

 

I'm very aggressive and open on dates. First intellectually, then emotionally, and finally physically. I almost always end up in the sack with a girl on the first date, but that has never been my goal. It was a natural progression. We wouldn't want to meet a couple that would be too forward, but just as much wouldn't want to meet a couple that held back.

 

It's about being "in the moment" and that means not thinking "when are they gonna want to fuck?" Just a state of mind where nothing is expected.

We found we talked with more real people, saw more real sex, and got involved more with others at clubs. We have been to many of them now and think it is the quickest way to meet others and get to know what you like.

 

Good luck!

 

S

Dito those above.

 

We have found that someone who is a lot of fun for sex is not often someone we would enjoy just hanging out with. In fact, in the slightly over three years we have been actively swinging we have only met a few couples that we also enjoy spending time with outside of the bedroom. It is not that we don't want to become friends outside of swinging with these people, it is just that we find them attractive and sexually exciting but other than that we don't have much in common. So we have come to realize that just because we get along great for sex doesn't mean we would enjoy doing anything else with them. Thats why we enjoy the clubs better than the internet add sights. It seems like the people that go to clubs are much more into "sex first then we will see where it goes", whereas, on the add sights it seems like a larger percentage of the people are more into "lets get to be friends and then see where it goes". The problem with the later is that it rarely gets to sex because, lets face it, most people are pretty descriminating about who they can be friends with, which pretty much means they never get far enough along to get to the sex part.

 

I'm very aggressive and open on dates. First intellectually, then emotionally, and finally physically...It was a natural progression...It's about being "in the moment" and that means not thinking "when are they gonna want to fuck?" Just a state of mind where nothing is expected.

You are speaking my language, kharnal!

 

For me, the clubs haven't tickled that spot that takes me to the greatest heights...not much intellectual and emotinal stimulation on a dance floor. There's plenty of physical stimulation at clubs, your senses will be bombarded. That gets most swingers motors revving. For me it becomes a buzz that turns to crazy madness, or humdrum watching everyone "doing their thing" in front of you; nothing is subtle at a club. There is nothing intimate about the club experience for me. And I like intimacy.

 

Mr LM and I have tried the clubs on four occasions and we will continue to give it a go now and then if we have nothing better to do or want to flirt around, but it just doesn't have the seduction or sexual stimulation of meeting one appealing couple for drinks and feeling each other's minds up.

 

I've elaborated more than I expected.

 

Maybe it was this statement that prompted it:

 

 

It seems like the people that go to clubs are much more into "sex first then we will see where it goes"...

 

Thanks good times!

 

LM

Maybe it was this statement that prompted it:

 

 

 

Thanks good times!

 

LM

You are very welcome LM, and I'm sure you already know, I would enjoy "feeling your mind up" anytime.

We don't care either way really... If a couple are "posers" and just wants to be friends, that's cool with us as long as we actually enjoy being around them. It's not like they are "wasting our time", we like making new friends and it's not like we are counting on them to have sex with us - we know where and how to get sex if we want it.

We have found some that are just on the fringes of the lifestyle, the people that want to be a part of it without actually being a part of it. And we have because we are the friendly sort we are we have become friends with them some, even if it is just a sexier version of a vanilla date.

 

We have also been with some newbies without any drama, and been on multiple dates before anything happened. Sometimes it happens on the first date. It all just depends on the people involved and the vibes between everyone.

 

So we just play it by ear, not expecting anything other then meeting a new couple when we go out. If more happens, great, if it doesn't we still had a good time going out. So the evening is never a waste. But, we wouldn't want to keep dating a couple with the promise of sex and it never happens. If it won't happen then we need to all agree it won't and then be friends outside of sex and not drag it out.

 

Mr. WS

Part of Kharnal's post,the thread titled 'not just in it for the sex'......

 

 

" If we were single, we wouldn't be the people to fuck on the first date unless something really special happened, and we apply the same idea to swinging."

 

We are in it ONLY for the sex.If we make a friend on the way,thats fine.When we choose a guy to join us it is because I desire him sexually.....as if I was still single.The normal criteria exists.I see him,I fancy him,I talk with him and decide if there is any rapport.Mixed in with all the chat are the little questions regarding his attitude to our intentions.

 

However,the point is we are talking to him with sex in mind.Not to create a new friend.Thus,swinging ,for us is only for sex.

I think our personal ad should say something like "Cute couple looking for more than just masturbating using another person's genitals." HAHA.

 

I wouldn't call another couple "friends" though, I don't have sex with my friends. I wouldn't know what to call them before I called them "lovers."

Got to agree with sweet candy and good times on this. Swinging to us is about sex and lust and all the other things mama told you are bad. Some of our best swinging expierences have been with people we have nothing in common with and would never invite over for a bar-b-q. By the way we are both the type that would and have fucked on the first date.