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curious24
11-04-2005, 01:32 AM
I know I'm a single male so I think I know a lot of the reasons why it is the way it is for me. However, it seems that in the few offers I have had to swing people just get in touch with me for a 'hook up' eventhough I say I would like to find people who want to be friends. My question is are a lot of people in the lifestyle not looking for friends? Are single guys looked at as more of a dime a dozen so who cares about them wanting to have a friendship with the people they meet? Do couples and single females find it easier to find others in the lifestyle that want to be friends as well as play friends?

Carol_Danny
11-04-2005, 01:52 AM
Some people look for friendship, others just for the sex. We're all different, and we all have different reasons for being in the Lifestyle, and have different goals. We are good Friends with a number of single guys we met that we plat with, but I do realize we are not really part of the norm.

Every question you asked can be answered with yes, no, or even maybe! I just depends on the person answering.

-- Danny

northindycpl
11-04-2005, 08:21 AM
I think the answer to your questions are a lot like Danny said. Everyone is going to have a different response to being 'friends' with a single male.

Are you wanting to really be friends? Like go to ballgames and cookouts, or just get together for more than sex on occassion?

Defining what you are looking for, will be your first step in finding it. For us, we wouldn't be opposed to befriending single males, but it, too is a difficult task.

I wonder if it would be easier to be friends with single females?

(I probably gave you no good advice here, but I did try)

fun4Ds
11-04-2005, 09:23 AM
well as for us we have decided no singles just cpls . if it ever came to singles i (MR.fun) certanly would be more interested in things like saftey,discretion,hygien,and #1 my wifes feelings about the person.as for friendships that would depend on you, do we have things in common other than the sex. we are fairly new to the lifestyl. we put our profile up and (bam) many many mails from single males who cant or wont read the profile. so im sorry and maby not ment twards you but single males seem to be a dime a dozen. maby MRS fun will post her views and ad some insight to this. but thanks u gave us something to talk more about .

Greg & Sheryl
11-04-2005, 03:22 PM
You will find people across the entire spectrum in this regard. Some swingers will actively seek friends while others are interested only in finding sex partners. We genuinely enjoy making friends within the lifestyle, but we don't force the issue. We are in the lifestyle primarily for the sex, but if we happen to make friends along the way, we regard that as a wonderful bonus.

curiousduo30
11-04-2005, 08:17 PM
You will find people across the entire spectrum in this regard. Some swingers will actively seek friends while others are interested only in finding sex partners. We genuinely enjoy making friends within the lifestyle, but we don't force the issue. We are in the lifestyle primarily for the sex, but if we happen to make friends along the way, we regard that as a wonderful bonus.

Dito to this post from Greg & Sheryl...

We started out wanting to be friends first with anyone we play with, now, not so much....part of the reason is because we don't want the drama that happens in friendships let alone bed partners...but mostly because that is a hard thing to truly find, good friendships are difficult enough to maintain and cultivate, but add in sex and BAM! everything gets more complicated... It is possible and some people can avoid these issues altogether, and someday we hope to be able to have this type of friends with benefits, but it may not ever happen and we are ok with that....

I do not think that it would make a difference for us if it was a single (male or female) or a couple, drama is a big factor that I think we all (I hope) try to avoid and it can happen with a single male just as easily as a single female or another couple (as we have learned the hard way... ;) )

watcherone
11-04-2005, 10:02 PM
Wife and I do mfm swinging only, its how i want it. We have found that when the single man is right for us it eventually ends up that we become close friends. Who wants a jerk for a friend. If you are mindful of the couples feelings and a real partner in this, you will probably end up with alot of swinging friends to play with. You are the expendible one in the relationship and I know if I or she doesnt like a guys attitude then he doesnt get far with us. The good guys are the ones we hang on to.

Chicup
11-04-2005, 10:57 PM
If you are looking to be friends first as a single male you can forget about it.

We were of the 'friends first' mentality as a couple but that QUICKLY passed as there is very little chance of becomming friends prior to swinging, when your intent IS to swing. Our best friends are swingers, but we were not great friends before we started playing. Hell our friendship really took several months to take hold, I can't imagine that working prior to play. If anything it would be a 'we don't want to play because it might ruin our friendship' situation.

So buck it up, go out and fuck some of these couples and maybe if that works out you will find some friends.

JustAskJulie
11-04-2005, 11:07 PM
I agree that everyone is different. Having played from both the couple and the single female perspective, I've encountered both types from both angles. Although, I will say that as a single female it seemed like I encountered a lot more people who were in a lot more of a hurry to get to bed and skip the friendship (or so it felt). Maybe it was just that they saw the elusive and were making every attempt to grab it before it went away (only to end up pushing it away, sadly).

As a couple, I'd say our encounters were about half and half... well maybe 1/3 and 1/3 with the other 1/3 being those who weren't ready to do anything yet and never should have met us to begin with.

sereneiders
11-04-2005, 11:22 PM
I agree about everyone's personal tastes.

Anyway, it seems much like an odd mix to swing TO make friends... as for me, it would be something very close to craving for attention and love: "i'll give up my ass if you hang out with me and we go to movies"... know what I mean?

I'd say it's like in any other context: you meet people and you start realizing you have things in common and even differences that seems to be appealing to you, that you enjoy these people company, so you find out excuses to meet these people and one day you find yourself talking of them as "my friends". This may happen at work, when doing a sport activity, at the club, when hanging with common friends, and also swinging.

But you wouldn't choose a job because of making friends there, nor swing with the same purpose. Of course, swinging involve a degree of confidence that brings things closer enough as to be one step behind being friends, and you may find out these people you share your bed with are actually friends. But I'd say that's just by coincidence.

Dynamar
11-04-2005, 11:51 PM
I guess I'd say most of the single males I've met have become "very good acquaintances" if that makes any sense. A step or a few above mere acquaintances (obviously, since we've seen each others "bits and pieces"... lol), but perhaps short of friends in the sense of my vanilla friends.

I will say this... last summer, when I had a bad bout with vertigo... no fewer than 5 of the men I'd met and played with in the prior months called regularly (some even daily) to check up on me. That's a real friend thing to do, for sure!

DBL D
11-05-2005, 01:26 AM
We have a couple we play with that we'd love to become better friends with, and think we will.

We have others we just like to keep it to occaisional sex. We may end up not seeing them again at all because something better really did come along.

Since we're really just beginning to tap the waters we still have a lot of folk we need to meet and find out about. You know that you can have sex with someone and like it but you also just know there could be something better out there. We only have so much time. Unless you are real committed to the lifestyle you'll never have time to have a lot of different relationships. Sometimes you meet a couple that sets a new standard for the people you are looking for. You have to drop someone. Some folks know that and never make certain commitments. You probably have done it yourself. Just try to be as positive and attentive as you can. Try to get a real feel for who they are. You may end up not liking them as much as you thought or they may like you more than you like them. Dilemmas everywhere. :eek: Just take it slow and as it comes. Be honest in your communications and eventually, if you're patient, good things should start falling into place for you.

It's about the same as when you and others met for sex...there had to be a connection. Well, some people are looking for other things in their friends besides sex, but it still started with a sexual connection.

Not sure if this made sense as I've had a few pales and Fem D simply wore me out tonight. Surrender Y'all shoulda been there. facelick

Male D

curious24
11-05-2005, 02:43 AM
Thanks for all the replies! One of the reasons why I even asked is that I had been swapping short and sweet messages with this one lady (like one sentence messages and a total of maybe 5 messages). Then out of the blue she asked me if I wanted to join her and another couple. I asked if the other couple had a profile and if so if I could see it. I never heard from her again. I thought that was really strange to say the least.

When I read Chicup's responce something in me seemed to click and go AH HA! It seems maybe I have been approaching this wrong? Ultimately I'd really like to have a friendship with people I play with. At the same time I would like to have a conversation with someone before playing with them you know? I guess I'm just not used to people just saying on the first email come over and fuck. Maybe I should change my expectations?

Spoomonkey
11-05-2005, 03:17 AM
My question is are a lot of people in the lifestyle not looking for friends? Are single guys looked at as more of a dime a dozen so who cares about them wanting to have a friendship with the people they meet?

Just got back from the club... A friend introduced me to a new beer/energy drink... Who the hell thought that up???

So - if I make no sense - it is Budweiser's fault...

Anyway - when we find a single guy worth keeping, we go out of our way to be friends with him. Honestly, we have one single male friend who I would almost put in my will. Single men may be a dime a dozen, but the really good ones are pretty damn rare...

Spoomonkey

happycampersfor
11-10-2005, 11:46 AM
We Both Started Out When We Were Single But Going Together, However Now When We Go To Parties We Meet Singles And It Is Cool With Each Of Us, However Most Of Thegroup Parties We Go To Have A Rule Of Each Meeting Is Through A Game Of Chance, Either Picking Cards, Drawing Names Or Whats Behind The Door. It Makes It Much More Fun As You Never Know Who Wyou Will Be Paried With

sereneiders
11-10-2005, 04:57 PM
One of the reasons why I even asked is that I had been swapping short and sweet messages with this one lady (like one sentence messages and a total of maybe 5 messages). Then out of the blue she asked me if I wanted to join her and another couple. I asked if the other couple had a profile and if so if I could see it. I never heard from her again. I thought that was really strange to say the least.

When I read Chicup's responce something in me seemed to click and go AH HA! It seems maybe I have been approaching this wrong? Ultimately I'd really like to have a friendship with people I play with. At the same time I would like to have a conversation with someone before playing with them you know? I guess I'm just not used to people just saying on the first email come over and fuck. Maybe I should change my expectations?

I misunderstood the original question purpose.

I don't believe you should change your expectatives, and up to me it is a great thing to want to relate with people besides having sex, or have a conversation. Anyway, I wouldn't define that as a friendship, but a nice way to start up, and well, eventualy, that could lead to a friendship.

About what actually happend with this lady, I believe you made a mistake when you asked to know the profiles from the people she was up to introduce you. When she did so, she was showing certain degree of confidence and trust on you, that was enough as to introduce you to third ones, something that could be seen as a friendly attitude and aproach, which in turn were suposed to require a similar attitude from your side, for example, showing her the same degree of confidence and trust in her criteria and motivations to introduce you to her friends.

But when you asked to know their profiles, you exposed that you didn't trusted in her criteria (including the care she may had for you as a friend), thus she may be feeling deprecated.

Anyway, this mistake doesn't seem to be that serious if you take an initiative to fix things up. It's a valuable thing from a friend to know he or she is able to ewognize a mistake, appologize and learn from the experience as to avoid repeating the same mistake, and you may show that.

I believe friendhisp is something worth to fight for, and fighting for it is a way to show your interest and construct the relationship, so, don't give up on this one.