What are your thoughts on being 'exclusive' with another couple?

Exclusive that is?

I'm wondering how many couples here are exclusive? What are your thoughts on being exclusive regardless if you or not? Pros/Cons?

I'm sorry, I don't think I understand your question. Could you elaborate on what you mean by exclusive?

We were exclusive with one couple for two years. We played in almost everyway imaginable. 4somes, MMF threesomes, some heavy flirting when we were alone with the other spouse doing some errand or something. We also shared alot of "vanilla" time and have stayed good friends even though they have left the lifestyle.

I think it works for some and not for others. Like we always say you get what you want from this lifestyle. There is usually someone to share your desires or beliefs with.

We were in a exclusive relationship for about 6 months. Meaning that we would only swing with this one couple and they would only swing with us.

We had a great time with this couple, but I would never advise anyone to do this. Things were great for us in the beginning, then everyone's emotions got mixed up. Yes, we loved each other and told each other that. The problems started when the other couple were spending all their free time with us and not enough time with each other. This was due to their jobs and wanting to be with us and not enough time to do both.

We all decided that we should just end the exclusive relationship and only see each other when we could. Then something happened, I am still not sure what it was. They called us one day and said they never wanted to see us again! The only thing we can think of for the change in their feelings was that everyone was getting too close, and it was hurting their marriage. We never wanted that. So sadly, we do not speak to this couple anymore. That is their choice, not ours. We would love to be "just friends" with them, but they have made their choice and we have moved on.

It was a very painful lesson we learned. NEVER let you emotions get involved in the Lifestyle. We thought we were making life long friends, but I guess it was not to be.

So, my vote would have to be, NO, do not be in a exclusive relationship. Too much can happen and everyone can end up getting hurt.

At this point in hubby and I's swinging life, we have only one couple that we really want to swing with. We are not being exclusive, it's just that we dont feel like going thru the whole meet and greet thing right now, we are not putting much energy into meeting new couples right now. But if this one couple were to have a house party or invite us over.... We would be there!! We consider them our friends as well... if we never had sex with them again, it would be OK with us because they are more than just sex objects to us. I dont know if they realize that is how we feel or not, although I hope they do.

I'm sorry, I don't think I understand your question. Could you elaborate on what you mean by exclusive?

Exclusive as in only with one couple during a certain time frame based on personal choice.

The reason i posted this thread was because we found out some friends of ours have went exclusive with another couple.

Frankly, I was really surprised that our friends choose this.

In a way our feelings were hurt, because we really liked them a lot! But for few months there was hardly any communication. We had felt as if we had done something wrong but could not figure out what it was. Well, the other night the male couple im's me and tells me out of nowhere that they had met this other couple 6 months ago and are complety exclusive with them now. He described it as wonderful, and how great it is. I guess they are together every night, and going on vacation and such. I'm glad for them that they are happy, but at the same time I wish they would have told us sooner! Because, all this time we felt bad and was wondering if we had did something wrong! Another thing had bothered me about this situation because they had mentioned this other couple months ago and they actually were badmouthing them! So it seemed pretty hypocritical!

Being exclusive is something we have never really wanted. I feel too many emotions would be involved. On the pro side, it would be nice to not have to go to clubs or do meet n greets to find that so called "perfect couple".

Sounds too much like, "will you go out with me". No thanks....... :rollseyes

There's no way we would be exclusively with just one couple. As far as we can see that is the fast track to too much emotional involvement with all of the potential for disaster that that entails. We happily play with one couple on a regular basis, but we play with others as well.

CB

I believe that if we found such a couple....yesssssssss! While variety may be the spics of life; consistantsy is sometimes good too. Its just difficult to find in this lifestyle.

Cheers.

freakykitten said:

Another thing had bothered me about this situation because they had mentioned this other couple months ago and they actually were badmouthing them! So it seemed pretty hypocritical!

People make amends...

It happens.

I have said some nasty things about people who have gone on to be great friends. There is nothing hypocritical about a change of heart.

That said, if a couple came a long that really rocked our boat, I could see us spending so much time with them that we were, in effect, exclusive. But - I think if the idea of "exclusive" ever was voiced, it would freak us out. Like RW said, sounds too much like "going out".

We find the thrill in the variety. If we wanted exclusivity we'd only play with each other. This is a sexual thing for us and limiting ourselves to one couple would be too much like a real relationship..not just a play friendship.

Aw, I understand now. head bang

I agree with what some others have said, we may just play with one couple for a time but if they approached us to just play with them exclusively it would probably freak us out to the point of not playing with them anymore.

You know, this board is so resourceful. I am finding answers to all of my questions here and I'm loving it. What better way to have questions answered than to talk to those most experienced in the lifestyle.

OK, so we're new to this and had our first encounter with another couple not that long ago. We're quite happy that we're not looking elsewhere. They have also stated that they are not looking for anyone else in our city. But that doesn't exclude other cities or towns does it?

I've pondered this and thought that we can't possibly ask them not to see others, that's their choice. But in my mind I would like them not to see others. I've contemplated that this might be a problem if we get emotionally attached. I mean, we can all say that we won't but you never know when cupid's arrow is going to strike, right? That's the last thing that we want to happen.

So now I have an answer to something that has been on my mind for a bit and I'm happy now because I see that so many of you don't think that being exclusive to another couple is a good idea. I also see your reasoning behind this as well.

Thank you

T

Atilla,

For some of us its worked out quite well. It depends on if you and your partner and them if it works. For some of us it works well for others it doesnt but it is sure a comfort factor to know the other couple is only being with you at the time especially in regards to D/D.

Over time with the couple we were exclusive with we built up a friendship that allowed trust which led to a variety of things happening for us.

For some they dont like it for others some do. We each take from this lifestyle what we want and we have found if you search long enough you will find people who want the same things out of this.

 

I've pondered this and thought that we can't possibly ask them not to see others, that's their choice. But in my mind I would like them not to see others. I've contemplated that this might be a problem if we get emotionally attached.

T

This is how we started our exclusive relationship. The guy of our couple said that he was jealous when he saw me with other guys at the club. And I had the same problem watching him with someone else. That should have been our first clue that we were already too emotionally attached. Now we keep our emotions to ourselves and not let them get the best of us.

This is how we started our exclusive relationship. The guy of our couple said that he was jealous when he saw me with other guys at the club. And I had the same problem watching him with someone else. That should have been our first clue that we were already too emotionally attached. Now we keep our emotions to ourselves and not let them get the best of us.

-B

To me, I think exclusivity is a little more leaning towards the polyamory side of things than swinging. I can't, personally, see ever being comfortable in that situation.

The main idea of this thread is to discuss a question that is prevalent to our swinging activities right now.

Some background on the issue: About two months ago we entered a relationship with a newbie couple from SN. They knew that although we were not extremely active with others, we did have a history with multiple couples in our past. They accepted this at first, however, they were more interested or comfortable with an exclusive relationship. You know how it goes..... the chemistry Freight Train took its course and this difference fell to the wayside as all of us were sooooo busy ripping each others clothes off. Simply put, we ended up in a exclusive relationship to protect this new relationship. We did not think that this was going to be a problem with us. We had a few successful couples in the past, and it is true that when we have a steady couple, we are not typically tempted to go outside of that circle, but it never has been been THE RULE. I am sure you can guess the rest. As soon as we signed up... everybody.... everybody that we would enjoy playing with started to call. We had a total of four offers in the two months. Four offers is crazy if you knew our history.

What are your thoughts on exclusive relationship? Your experience, comments, or thoughts.

We had a single male that we would regularly see. We told him that we expected that if he was going to be with others to let us know so we could decide if we wanted to continue. We would have no hard feelings and fully expected him at sometime to say he wants to move on. there would be no hard feelings. We were just more comfortable with somebody that was not going from couple to couple.

So as long as it is agreed upon by all parties we believe it is fine.

Honesty!

It wouldn't be our cup of tea. We've never been exclusive with any other couples and we wouldn't want to go there. Fortunately nobody has suggested that we should do that.

We got into swinging for the variety and the fun. Taking out the variety would take out more than half the fun for us.

CB & Red

I think it is understood that when you are seeing a 'regular' couple that it goes without saying that you would become somewhat 'exclusive'. But all the way exclusive? I can't see it. We have a couple that really wanted it to be that way, so much so that they even spread some really ugly rumors about us at our club. Additionally, when we broke it off with them it was horrific. They were also Newbies.

In my opinion, exclusivity breeds jealousy and contempt more then it doesn't. It seems polyamorous to me, and we aren't interested in it to be honest.

We didn't become swingers to be monogomous with anyone.

Now, that being said... I think it is appropriate to figure out what works best for you, then discuss it with them. I have found that the newer couples sorta get comfortable with the idea of exclusivity, because it is safer from a physical and social perspective. If they are exclusive to you, they don't have to go searching for other couples, etc, etc...

You may want to suggest including them in your plans to meet other friends. I don't know how you two prefer to play, but I love it when our friends are our friends, friends, too. A group of friends is more fun. And once your newbie couple gets a taste of what more lies ahead, they may decided that complete exclusivity is not the way to go.

All in all, I think it should be something that is discussed among all of you.

Our take on it is this: if we're not "exclusive" with each other, why the heck would we be exclusive with another couple? We do have our regular "friends", but we know they play with others and they know that we do to. If you both are comfortable with being exclusive with them, that's great, but I know we would tell them that we weren't interested in that and let them decide whether that was a deal-breaker for them.

Pepper

I think it is understood that when you are seeing a 'regular' couple that it goes without saying that you would become somewhat 'exclusive'. But all the way exclusive? I can't see it. They were also Newbies.

 

In my opinion, exclusivity breeds jealousy and contempt more then it doesn't. It seems polyamorous to me, and we aren't interested in it to be honest.

 

We didn't become swingers to be monogomous with anyone.

 

Now, that being said... I think it is appropriate to figure out what works best for you, then discuss it with them. I have found that the newer couples sorta get comfortable with the idea of exclusivity, because it is safer from a physical and social perspective. If they are exclusive to you, they don't have to go searching for other couples, etc, etc...

 

You may want to suggest including them in your plans to meet other friends. I don't know how you two prefer to play, but I love it when our friends are our friends, friends, too. A group of friends is more fun. And once your newbie couple gets a taste of what more lies ahead, they may decided that complete exclusivity is not the way to go.

 

All in all, I think it should be something that is discussed among all of you.

Dito We also like friends who are friends friends too and are working towards a group of friends. Never thought we'd be hosting swinger events but we have been tossing around the idea of introducing a few couples to one another at a low key get together.

-D

NorthIndyCpl wrote:

You may want to suggest including them in your plans to meet other friends. I don't know how you two prefer to play, but I love it when our friends are our friends, friends, too. A group of friends is more fun. And once your newbie couple gets a taste of what more lies ahead, they may decided that complete exclusivity is not the way to go.

I think this is great advice. The next time y'all play with them simply tell them you know a cool couple you'd like them to meet. ...or throw a vanilla party and invite both couples.

Mr. Alura

As northindycpl indicated, your relationship with this couple sounds more polyamorous than anything else. The main reason we swing is because we enjoy the variety of partners, so an exclusive relationship would not work for us. Although we have a circle of friends that we play with on a regular basis, we will always be open to playing with new couples.

Been there, done that, will never do it again!

We met a couple that all 4 of us clicked. Everyone got along in and out of bed. It took us about 2 months before we decided to be exclusive. And it is funny, jealousy is what led us to go exclusive. We were not jealous of seeing our spouse with someone else, we (all 4 of us) were jealous at seeing our swing partner with someone else. To make a long story short, it lasted 6 months and ended very badly. The other couple started having problems with their relationship, and they, rightfully so called it quits. They still swing but not with us. We are trying to get back to the friendship that all of us felt, but it is very hard.

That is the biggest red flag we have in this!!!!

The other couple's lady has jealousy to the idea of me swinging with another!!! I excluded this because it is another issue and would complicate the discussion on exclusiveness. As you can imagine, it is a big red flag for us.

Has any one else experienced jealousy, not with your primary other, but with your swinging partner?

I would say that if someone suggested to us that we play only with them exclusively that that would be the last time we played with them. we try to always be pretty up front about it and tell our play partners that we don't do exclusive nor do we expect anyone to only play with us.

We one time had a couple that we had played with a couple of times show up at the club and sit down at our table where we were talking to another couple. The female half of this couple soon figured out that we were making plans to play with the couple we were talking to when they arrived and did not intend to play with them now that they had shown up. After about a half an hour this women seemed to be getting more agitated by the minute and it was obvious she was jealous of this other couple. Well, after about an hour she jumped up in tears and drags her husband out the door and we haven't seen them since. And that is fine with me, I don't have any room for that, and we thought it was very wierd that she would act that way.

Our take on it is this: if we're not "exclusive" with each other, why the heck would we be exclusive with another couple?

Pepper

We agree! Variety is one of the things we enjoy most about playing with others. We have no interest.....ok, we would never even consider being someone's exclusive swing partners, nor would we want or expect them to be our exclusive swing partners. We have run into people at the club that we have played with at some time that showed some jealousy when we disapeared with others. Not sure if they really expected us to play only with them, or were just disapointed. It seemed to be short lived, and we have played with them since with no issues.

It does seem to work for many people. You are the only ones that can make that decision for yourselves.

Greg & Cheryl and Good Times, you are such total sluts! If you keep it it up you will get a bad reputation if you haven't already-shame on you. We believe that when you meet the right couple and start going steady... excuse me...swinging steady, you should be faithful to that couple, if it doesen't work out, you should break up with them before you start fooling around with another couple. We are decent swingers with high morals! We never sleep with another couple until at least a month after we start dating them and after we are convinced they aren't just using us for sex. Well-a few times we had sex with another couple on the first night-but that's cause we got really drunk and they just took advantage of us. Soulmates-if your relationship with this couple isn't working out-You need to let them know how you feel and if necessary, move on. Don't be lead them on, you could break their hearts. Cheating-whether between singles or couples is wrong. If you act like whores like Greg & Cheryl, decent swingers will lose respect for you!!

LOL!!!!

Hi De anf Ci,

you guys are too funny. I love your post

dayhiker

We are decent swingers with high morals! We never sleep with another couple until at least a month after we start dating them and after we are convinced they aren't just using us for sex. Well-a few times we had sex with another couple on the first night-but that's cause we got really drunk and they just took advantage of us.

De and Ci.... You are too funny... LOL.... You had us believing that you had gone off the deep end until we got to this.... LOL :lol: We must still be tired from the night of fun and frolic we had last night at the club....

Greg & Cheryl and Good Times, you are such total sluts!

I feel so slutty now.......feels kinda good.

Good Times and Greg & Sheryl, I assume you know I was just kidding!

Swinging and Exclusive just don't seem to go together in our book. Oxymoron perhaps....

De and Ci wrote:

Swinging and Exclusive just don't seem to go together in our book.

They are kinda oxymorons, eh?

I think a lot of swingers, especially those just starting out, try for an exclusive friendship just so they can play freely without condoms and not worry (too much) about STD's. I know that was our idea.

Once Mrs. Alura and I were driving home after a play date at another couple's house. I asked her, "How was sex with Mr. Playmate tonight?"

"Just like 'ol married folks, Babe!" she replied.

We suggested to the other couple that we try to add a third couple. They were enthusistic. We never found another couple, though.

"Same 'ol, same 'ol," I guess.

Mr. Alura

We absolutely love it when we find couples that we can stay with...but we will never be exclusive nor will we ask for it. Not a good fit with us either.

Male D

"It's safer"

"It's more comfortable for us"

"We know what to expect".

"Why do you need to be with anyone else?"

"We'll be at that party, check in with us about who to play with".

"We'll ruin your F***ing life"

All of the above are verbatim quotes from couples I've been involved with.

All relating to a request or expectation to be exclusive.

Some were honest and sincere some downright scary.

I enjoy the variety and dynamic of swinging. The wonders of the various people, not just sexually but as individuals and as a couple.

"We'll ruin your F***ing life"

Someone actually told you that? I'd be tempted to ruin theirs first!

Male D

Someone actually told you that? I'd be tempted to ruin theirs first!

 

Male D

No joke.

The woman in the couple was getting a bit too attached and I started backing away. (She's the one who wanted me to be exclusive with the couple)

Next thing it was emails and phone call threats to out me as a swinger.

(that's when the comment came)

Then the calls wondering whether the stories the upset couple were telling about me were true (I was a married cheater, I had aids, I was telling stories on everyone) you know, the usual when you want to poison the well.

All this amongst a group of 4 or 5 couples and a few singles who had been playing together for about 2 years.

Fortunately the only well they poisoned was their own. Turns out that this kind of discord had been rumbling with them for about 6 mo. I was just unaware of it. Shortly after all this the couple dropped out of sight and no one heard much about them after that.

That ol' universe, she's a funny place . . . ya' pitch out that negative and it seems to always end up back in your lap.

I work (with REAL difficulty sometimes) to "maintain an even strain" and usually things will work out.

I think the problem with going exclusive is that you can get jealousy issues with 'your' couple. We were exclusive with a couple for about a year. Luckily we survived the ugly stages and are still good friends, just no longer exclusive.

Our only issue is condoms. When exclusive we did bareback with them and still do. They are a good deal more active than us and while they swear they use condoms with all the other couples they are with I have my doubts.

What a tangled web we weave eh?

Update: We have definitely jumped off the exclusivity wagon. We went to our first swing party on invite from an old couple of ours.... well, good ol' times won out. We definitely will never go that route again. Our regular couple who we were exclusive with has dropped off the face of the earth due to their own issues. We figure that when and if they ever want to get together again we will make it clear that we are not following and have not followed this constraint. As of now, when we speak or chat, it is none of their business. If they wish to re-hook up we will tell them and see if it is a deal-breaker for them.

Soulmates

Exclucivity in swinging, to me, seems a little close to the border of polyamory. Granted there may not be "love" there, but it just seems a little too close for me.

It can be tempting to be 'exclusive',but basically swinging is a desire to be promiscuous,to seek and find delicious and delightful variety.It is also the pleasure of the hunt.

we have one guy who is very happy being exclusive to us but thats only because he has very limited chances for sex,and we (or I)am giving him all he needs and can handle.I know thats not being truly exclusive,and he knows we are not restricting ourselves to him.Should he desire that I would have to deny him.Or convince him to join in(yes please).

so my vote? exclusivity is not on.

In a nutshell, and it has been said before ... why would we be "exclusive" with anyone else when we aren't exclusive with each other?

That is just bizarre to me that people will do that. :rollseyes