Problems finding swing playmates - Are we too picky?

Hi! A question for all the guru's . We have done the SLS ad, went to a lifestyle club and been to a few socials. It seems as though we can not find the right couple. Either I am attracted to the female or Jenn is attracted to the male half..but never mutual attraction as of yet. Is this common for newbies or is this a typical scenario? Just wondering if anyone else has gone through this. We have talked about this and both know we are not going to take one for the team. The searching is fun though. Any input or advice will be greatly appreciated.

the fun IS in the search but make sure of the reason you dont like the other half. Is it, you or her are afraid of the actual swing ?

but keep searching.

James ~

Our situation is the same. It took nine months of daily searching before we agreed on a couple.

If you both have different tastes in people, or one is more particular than the other, then it will be even more challenging.

I think many couples deal with this. It can be a hard to find a match among all four.

Good luck.

LM

I think many couples deal with this. It can be a hard to find a match among all four.LM

Keep looking it takes a while. Many times once you agree on looks you don't click with them personality wise. Also it depends on what you're looking to do with the couple. We play with couples on different levels such as same room sex, ladies play around a bit and gentlemen with their own partner and very very seldom full swap. For us it is very difficult to find a couple that we would full swap with. Hope this helps!

-D

The most carefully considered advice that I (Michael) might give is that the SLS advertisement gets you only part way to the goal. The last ten yards are gained by having a definite strategy for arranging a meeting. We sort through the hesitant, the undecided and the "pretends" by offering a cell phone number and inviting a call. The call sometimes comes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes not at all. People who are really engaged in the lifestyle and who are genuinely attracted to you will call.

The most carefully considered advice that I (Michael) might give is that the SLS advertisement gets you only part way to the goal. The last ten yards are gained by having a definite strategy for arranging a meeting. We sort through the hesitant, the undecided and the "pretends" by offering a cell phone number and inviting a call. The call sometimes comes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes not at all. People who are really engaged in the lifestyle and who are genuinely attracted to you will call.

VERY true.

I couldn't count how many times we set up a phone call...and no one calls.

This was a few years ago. Now it seems better for some reason, or maybe we are just better at sorting the fakes.

People who are really engaged in the lifestyle and who are genuinely attracted to you will call.

I'll presume here that you are referring to a couple-to-couple situation. Because, in general, my tack as a single is very different.

Never wanting to appear to be "the pushy single"... I will not initiate a telephone call. If a couple shares their phone number with me, and I feel comfortable enough to give them mine as well... I will wait for their call.

Still... the outcome in many of my situations too, is that they don't call. Or if they do, then that's all they want to do... talk back and forth ad infinitum. If a couple wants to meet me, they make the first move and ask me for a meet. I never will.

I'll presume here that you are referring to a couple-to-couple situation. Because, in general, my tack as a single is very different.

 

Never wanting to appear to be "the pushy single"... I will not initiate a telephone call. If a couple shares their phone number with me, and I feel comfortable enough to give them mine as well... I will wait for their call.

 

Still... the outcome in many of my situations too, is that they don't call. Or if they do, then that's all they want to do... talk back and forth ad infinitum. If a couple wants to meet me, they make the first move and ask me for a meet. I never will.

Hmmm. You're right, of course. The tactic used by a single person might have to be different. In our society the forward female especially is percieved as "too easy". As for the "no call" situation, I think you'll agree that it indicates a lack of real interest and avoids the alternative situation of endless e-mail exchange. JoAnn and I too have experienced the person who wants to call only when he feels lonely. That situation we have yet to overcome. None of these lonely souls has yet turned into a real pest. They tend to fade from view after a while.

I think it's fairly typical of new couples. Over time, we are both more willing to perhaps entertain the possibility of playing with people that at first we may not have played with. Not taking one for the team, but we've learned that you can have a really good time with people that you may not initially consider. After all, you're looking for play partners....we don't use the same criteria that we looked for in marriage partners.

Also, I think it's harder to find someone online than it is to meet people in real life. I know we have some really good friends that if we'd seen them in an ad, we wouldn't have contacted them, but with meeting in person, there was a lot more of an attraction.

As you get some experience, you probably will reach a happy medium. Good luck searching!

Pepper

Hi James,

Why not just let the ladies choose, and enjoy the ride?

M

in a marriage it should be both a mutual agreement between you and your spouse and the other couple if its not an agreeable union then dont. if all parties dont agree then its not for me

J&J -

We are kind of going thru the same thing right now. We have talked to a lot of couples and they all seem nice. So far there have been no amazing "sparks" to speak of. I was wondering if any of you mentors on here would recommending the "just do it" approach if we think the couple meets our requirements but we don't feel that little tingle of sexual excitement with them - just for the first little bit until our feet are wet (so to speak...) - I don't think it's because we are nervous or anything like that, I just think it will take sometime to find that right chemistry. In the meantime, what about practice for the sake of practice??? Or is that a pretty clinical approach and we should wait for the "right" couple?!

Getting well acquainted is much of the enjoyment for Mrs. Mr. too likes a level of comfort to go with sharing. This means that meeting isn't pressured. On the other hand, the pace and outcome are no more certain than any date might be. And four can be a complicated date! J&J, maybe try just three, or more than four? Less balance to mess with then.

Another tack... Thinking "couple" is a habit, and a good one in so many respects, for those of us who are couples. But we're individuals too, and enjoy any occasion, or not, for our own reasons. What we're about here - comfort, lust, and fun - invites imagination, moods, poses, from each participant. It's a freeing experience. It's you as much as you partner(s). Do y'all think that you are making too much of initial "attraction" as a qualifier?

Sorry that it's questions and not answers, exactly, but this is a much visited and always engaging topic. Also, Pepper & Drew got a good grip on it re: meeting people in person is much more natural and comfortable. Heck, "meet and greet" is just what we all used to do anyhow, before it had a name.

We are probably in the minority on how we do things but we do play separately from time to time. Of course when I say this, I mean we are in the general vicinity of one another, at a dance (everyone has a hotel room) or at a house party, or at home. Because there are times when one is attractrive but the other just isn't doing it for hubby or myself. However, we would only do this if we are comfortable with that person. I have played with a couple that I wasn't entirely attracted to the husband and it did not work out at all. He and I just didn't click no matter how hard we tried. So now I have no problem if the wife and hubby want to play, but I just don't want to play with him.

It isn't always easy to find that perfect couple and it is okay to be picky, don't rush into somethign that is going to be a mistake and do what makes you most comfortable

...but we don't feel that little tingle of sexual excitement with them...

Lovedocs' and Evil's posts evoked one more thought: the occasion and the environment. Some times and places feel sexy, and some acquire it. One of us had the good fortune to be part of a network of mostly couples who met from time to time - sometimes a few people, but often a dozen or more. There were only a few locations - large homes in rural settings mostly - that could accommodate us comfortably. By the time that we joined, the group had a history together. Into that reassuring atmosphere we were escorted and accepted. When some of us met at other times and places, even in social or occupational situations, we'd speak of the times that we were all together, and were soon atingle.

Initiating, couple to couple, without a shared history and locale, maybe does call for an uncommon degree of attraction.

Hi James,

 

Why not just let the ladies choose, and enjoy the ride?

 

M

This topic seems to have run it's course, but I have to confirm the comment by Four Aces -- let the ladies choose. The result is seldom disappointing.

Why not just let the ladies choose, and enjoy the ride?

LOL

sounds good to me...

it is possible to be too picky, it doesnt have to be a perfect situation for us

jana

I could have written this post. What's more is, we are "mourning" the loss of a potentially PERFECT foursome. We all had some issues - yes, DRAMA our first time in the water - and now I think we all WANT to get past it but don't really know how because of hurt pride and feeling awkward. So we are out there looking, anyway....just in case. But we are finding it next to impossible to find another couple to whom we both are attracted, whose lifestyle (kids, nonsmokers, don't dance or party a lot) matches our own, and who live close enough to us to be friends with and do things with regularly.

same with us wolfnblu.

hey guys

no, your not being too picky. physical attraction as well as personality attractive to both is often difficult to find. we are not turned on by those who immediately offer a cell number and other personal information because we tend to worry about those who give out their personal information so quickly since discreetness is something we like to see from the couples we meet. more than once we have chatted with a couple only to have them send a reject mail within two weeks because our schedule didn't free up fast enough for them which of course indicated they were not so perfect after all. make no promises, be polite and you will find the couple that suits both of you.

This is a really interesting post, and I'm (of course) going to offer my own 2 cents worth.

For John and I, there are a number of levels we are open to exploring. That is to say, there are many different types of people we are interested in having "relatonships" with, and not all are sexual in nature.

See, it goes to the reasons why we swing, and what we're looking for in our experiences. We've found that with our "regular friends" there is a communication barrier between us, in that we don't feel comfortable telling our "regular friends" about our private lives, out of a concern that they may judge us harshly for it. Our friends are valuable to us, and we don't want to make them run like the wind or feel we're "coming on to them" if we discuss what we do. So, there's always that barrier in place...

"Will they think of us the same way if they know?"

So, part of our search includes meeting people who are of "like minds", whether or not we want to have sex with them. We're looking for couples we can go out to dinner with, have a nice bottle of wine with, chat with, without the fear of reprisal.

We actually gave this a lot of thoughts, and for the purposes of making it easier, we came up with 4 categories of friendships we'd like to develop in the "swinging community". We labeled them "Friends, Partners, Swingers, and Playmates". We posted a full explanation on our blog (see profile if you want to check it out) but here's a rundown of why we feel it's important for us to categorize the types of relationships we are willing to explore...

Why are “levels” important? For several reasons.

1. First, we can quickly rate a couple immediately after a first meeting. This gives us an immediate understanding of what the other feels about the couple, without going into long explanations. (Like many couples I’m sure, we tend to leave a first meeting immediately talking about how we liked the other couple, what we didn’t like, or whether there’s potential there or not.)

Sometimes, we can “click” with another couple for one reason or another. But trying to explain it in words can be a bit of a challenge. And we certainly can’t read minds. So giving a couple a “score,” so to speak, we can immediately tell where the couple stands in our search, and where they could be if anywhere.

Do we want to take it further? Do we want to meet them again, perhaps in a more relaxed setting? (For example, some couples opt for a coffee, others for drinks or dinner. They may start off with coffees or even drinks, but would like a “second date” with us, perhaps have dinner or meet in another neutral location before they — or we — decide.)

2.Second, first impressions are important. But first encounters are never comprehensive. What I mean is, we always want to meet couples first just to see if there’s any chemistry. We need to feel good about the couple, and with the couple, before we take it any further. Although our Adult Friend Finder profile does indicate everything about us and everything we look for in a couple, some couples tell us what they are looking for — which may or may not be the same.

But most couples, I believe, are like us. You see, we are always conservative in what and how we say things, especially during that first encounter, to make sure we don’t throw the other couple off because of something we said.

If there’s chemistry, many couples are open the very first time and we know exactly what kind of people they are right off the bat. But sometimes, the chemistry is somewhat muted because some couples are nervous and need more than a first encounter to dive into unchartered territories.

Therefore, some couples may seem to be in one category at first, but they may turn out — or evolve to — a whole new one in the future. So by having “categories” by which we rate couples, we can easily tell where there’s potential (or potential for change). A first encounter might lead to a level two, which can eventually lead to a level three or even four once the couple feels more relaxed and accustomed to us.

3. Third, we have the opportunity to talk about these categories (in an indirect way) with the couples we meet. This is not just to see if there is any potential, but it’s also a great icebreaker — and can even open the other couple more if they’re whitholding for some of the same, nervous reasons we do during a first-time encounter.

For example, one couple we met never went past the first meeting. Nothing clicked. There was no chemistry whatsoever. And the conversation — the entire discussion, in fact — did not have one single word that included (or implied) anything sexual in any way. Very conservative. Very muted. Very humdrum.

But another couple, on the other hand, were fun and completely open with us. They were bubbly and full of life. They were great conversationalists and even spoke about some of their fantasies before we did.

So knowing that they are starting to open up with us but might be holding back a bit, we introduced our categories into the conversation (not directly, of course, for fear other couples would feel we are judging them, but you get the drift), and that opened the floodgates.

Literally.

So, for us, we're just as interested in having non sexual relationships with people who are like us and are open in their relationship, as we are interested in having sex with others. It's all a matter of chemistry for us.

We aren't as picky as some others might be, because we view each couple we meet as someone we at least have one thing in common with...we are all involved with open relationships, and it is nice to simply have someone we can talk to about it.

Of course, "clicking" with someone on a sexual level is different, and all 4 must be in synch for it to work.

We look at that difficulty as a good thing. In our thoughts, you can't be too picky. Afterall, every person you sleep with is someone who you are trusting your life with. Even though we've met a lot of people who are willing to blow that fact off, we just can't. So, the way we see it- the more picky you are, the less people you play with- the less people you play with, the safer you are. So, the fact that we have differing tastes is whats made it so that we have had a few very good experiences and made a few very good friends, but have not spread ourselves around too much... if we agreed every time we would have been with 3 times as many people as we have.

I don't mean to make it sound like we only play with Barbie and Ken... in fact, we have yet to play with a Barbie and Ken because they usually don't make it past the initial personality test. LOL...

Because we've been so picky, we have not been disappointed. Something I cannot say for a few of our less picky friends.

Afterall, every person you sleep with is someone who you are trusting your life with.

Absolutely!

John and I are super picky about who we decide we're going to take things to the next level with. We were choosy before we got together (which is how we ended up together in the first place) so why would we throw out our selectiveness now, just because we're swingers?

In fact, being even more selective is important, for a variety of safety reasons. And not to forget our primary reason for doing this is to meet people who, like us, are intelligent, professional, passionate, and most importantly, madly in love with each other. That's the type of couple I could see spending quality time with, both in and out of the bedroom.

What I was referring to is classifying which levels people could possibly reach with us. So, each and every couple we meet has a potential to have a relationship with us, even if only in stage one...friends.

Sounds like you might be picky and that is a good thing. We are in the same boat but if you just wait you will find the right combination for you both. If you rush into something you may regret your decision. Oh Yes and we dicided a long time ago that we DO NOT TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.LOL