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Daddy'sGirl

Broken Hearted - Bad Experience with Single Female

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Help Us please. This is a long story and I apologize in advance.

 

My husband and I share our fantasies. My fantasy has always been to be with another woman. Lately I have fantasized about seeing my husband have sex with another woman. It is only fantasy and only because I saw how much it turned him on. We NEVER discussed doing it real life. My husband btw is in the military and right now stationed on the West Coast we only see each other 2 times a year...we have phone sex all the time and most often the fantasy is about a 3some.

 

To make a long story short.I went to see him last week. We went out drinking. A lady started talking to me I was quite drunk. She kissed me...and I kissed her back. She lifted her shirt and I touched her breast. My husband was like what's going on here?? I felt really embarrassed and told him I only wanted to be with Him. Well I am submissive to Him the rest of the night he told me to sit at his side and I didn't move. When it was time to go we left. I never spoke to the lady again.

 

As we walked out I saw her parked in a car. My husband said she was giving us a ride. I said no please let's just walk. I was afraid to go further. He said just get in.

 

We went home. I fell onto the bed. He told me take of my clothes, he was going to give me what I wanted. I did as he said but I passed out. I woke up and could hear them having sex. I felt sick. Not aroused. I totally didn't expect that.

 

I walked out in a sheet and I saw them. I ran to the back room and I felt sick. The lady got up I guess and tried to get back to the room. She was yelling she wanted to Dominate me. My husband said no. She was yelling, I could hear her yelling and finally she said she would call rape. My husband told me call 911 and he pushed her out of the apartment. The police came.B ut no charges were filed as I was an eyewitness.

 

The problem is I am so heart broken from what I saw. My Husband says I started it by kissing her. That we are both at fault. But I can't get the vision out of my head. I feel sick each time I think about it. I wonder does he compare her to me? He didn't use a condom...He said he didn't cum in her.

 

I feel devastated but I agree it is partially my fault. Was he giving me what I wanted??? If so how come he was fucking her while I was passed out?

 

Am I being overly sensitive? Will this feeling go away? Anyone anyone who can help me process this I beg you please please help me. My stomach feels sick just thinking about it. I love my husband. I know he loves me. We were all very drunk. How can i get this vision out of my head? Please help me.

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Wow. This is a threesome gone very, very wrong. Although you both had fantasized about it many times, it doesn't sound like you ever really talked about the what-if it happened, and what you would want to happen, and about what your comfortable with, therefore laying down some ground rules on what is okay and what isn't.

 

This is an extreme case of miscommunication, or more likely no communication. You now need to back-up and talk with your husband about what happened, what you thought would happen if the opportunity ever presented itself, and how you two got so far off track.

 

The condom, the cumming in her or not; those are secondary issues. Stuff that would have been covered in the conversations about how it would go down if it ever did. The real issue here straightening-out stuff like how you got to that point so it never happens again. It sounds like your husband rose to the occasion when the chips were down.

 

Sometimes the fantasy is better then the reality. The reality is harder to accept, which is one reason there aren't more swingers. It sounds like you knew this may be the case going into it that evening, but from your story your husband was pushing the matter a bit too much. From you side of it I'd say he needed to respect your wishes a bit more. He needed to listen to you, not just hear you.

 

From here, talk. Talk and then talk some more. You'll work through it. It sounds like you have a good relationship from this brief post. A big part is to not blame each other, it was both your faults for not communicating better. So accept that, talk about where to go from here, and most importantly, forgive wholey and unconditionally, and move-on.

 

Good luck.

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this is the Mrs, hi there. I don't know if anything I say can help, but I will certainly share with you some of what we have done.

 

First off, I don't think it sounds like all this was discussed very much, rules, wants, expectations, etc..

 

I wouldn't blame yourself or your spouse for that, y'all had a heat of the moment and jumped in, or did you feel completely submissive to all this?

If by chance he was demanding, unless that's something you enjoy, darlin' I don't know what to say to that except you don't need to be swinging with a demanding controlling partner....EVER :nono:

 

We too have gotten too drunk and one of us ends up passing out, not good. In the beginning it was very hard for the spouse who passed out to get the visions or thoughts out of our mind. Now we have a comfort level of it being ok to do so, with prior discussion of the event.

 

About trying to get the image out of your head...well we got passed it with good experiences outweighing the bad. Neither of us had any previous experience swinging, and nor did we know what to expect as far as our emotions. As time goes by our rules tend to change a bit, but it's all COMMUNICATION

 

The people on this site are wonderful folks with great advice. I don't think he wanted the other woman initially, until he thought it was something you wanted, and he tried to give that to you. A bit rough in my opinion, but too something y'all have to talk about.

 

talk talk talk and talk some more....

 

good luck sweety, hope you feel better soon :kissface:

 

xoxoxoxo

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Nothing but time and communication will fix it. Be patient and don't make yourself any more miserable.

 

Your story points out exactly what I have told others who wanted to experience recreational sex for the first time as a couple. It's critical to make all decisions together, when you are sober, and stay sober when you play. If you won't do it sober, you have no business doing it.

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WS has given you wonderful advice. Please, heed it.

 

Military service is an intense experience. You never get "past" it; you simply learn to live with it. For some, it identifies them for the remainder of their lives. The rest of us accept it as a chapter in our lives...

 

Your husband is in the "active" stage. He's surrounded by guys with "hormones" which are, all but completely, out of control when he's on duty. (You've got to have this or the government would never be able to get young men, and women, to do the work of "war". We "older" fellows would likely say, "Let's crack a beer and talk about this for a while..." :) )

 

When he comes home to you, the intensity is still there. The "brain" is not completely engaged...something else is talking to him, if you see my meaning. Kind of a "live for the moment" sort of attitude.

 

(He will, hopefully, grow out of this stage when he rejoins the rest of us. He will regret his behavior and become "normal", whatever that may be.)

 

This isn't about "swinging"...yet. It merely sounds like it...sort of.

 

Talk to him. Share your feelings. Frankly, get him thinking about you rather than about anything else. Once his priority is his wife, I'm thinking everything else will fall into place.

 

Best of luck to you both...

 

Van

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Thank You All for the time you have taken to respond.

 

When we went out that night the thought of being with someone else wasn't in either of our minds. Alcohol played a major point in the actions that followed...the lack of communication...and the impulsive choice my husband made to have sex with that woman. We both understand we made a mistake together and that we will work through it.

 

Somehow the fact that he had sex with another woman while his wife was passed out in the bedroom is not the issue for Him. It is the fact that she flipped out...got physical in her attempts to get to me and then had to be put out of the apartment. The rest of it he doesn't even seem concerned about.

 

For me I am in an amazing conflict.

1. I feel shocked and numb to have witnessed my husband having sex with someone else. My insecurities are rising 100% to the surface and yet...

2. Somehow I feel cheated out of MY experience after all this was supposed to be MY fantasy and yet I played absolutely no part in it.

 

I really appreciation the kindness and tact you all have shown in responding to my post. I do feel relieved to know that this image burned in my head will fade in time. Thank You all so much again and again.

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Hi DaddysGirl, welcome to the board.

 

It sounds like you both had a major miscommunication. (Duh, intuition897!) I'm getting the impression that you guys are maybe into domination stuff? A little bit? A lot? Well, I think even if you are, the fact remains that sex was used as a weapon in this case. Was he acting maliciously when he told you to to 'just get in the car', 'take off your clothes', and get ready because he was 'giving you what you wanted'. Was he pissed off when he said this? Was he actually trying to degrade you in some way? Or was he actually interested in seeing your fantasy fulfilled? There are a lot of grey areas here that need to be cleared up.

 

He was absolutely in the wrong screwing this other woman while you were passed out :nono: And I think the fact that he shifts the focus away from that and onto the other woman's nasty behaviour is evidence to that. Ok, it's possible he doesn't realize just how scarring that was for you to witness. What seemed like innocent flirtation between you and she at the bar, apparently was more significant in your husband's mind. Fantasy is great, but boy! you just never know how the green monster will rear it's ugly head when it becomes reality. His inebriated state might have aggravated the jealousy he felt at seeing you becoming sexual with another person (regardless of gender), and might've aggravated his desire to retaliate by having sex with her.

 

*sigh* This is a classic example of why swinging/non-monogamy and heavy alcohol consumption just don't mix! If I were you DaddysGirl, the first thing you and he will need to do is determine that you're both actually sorry for what happened. Seems like it would be a no-brainer, but maybe you're angry at one another for denying the other something that you feel you have a right to?? Gotta get that part figured out first. Then decide whether you really are ready to get to work healing from this. Again, seems obvious, but perhaps you're not finished feeling totally hurt by it. Mourning, if you will. When you're ready, I'd get to the bottom of his motivation to do this, and you need to get to the bottom of your feelings as well. Then y'all need to sit down and share what you've learned. It's heartbreaking when things like this happen, but it was a mistake. Put your heads together and think of why it happened. This is not about pointing fingers and someone being more to blame than the other; it's about realizing what steps could have and should have been taken to prevent this from happening. Then you need to assimilate what you've learned into future practice, so that it doesn't happen again. It's a exercise in honest self-appraisal, and an exercise in self-accountability. Both of you made mistakes, you need to claim them as your own.

 

Boy I sure hope you guys get through this. It'll be rough for a while, but if you both really want to, you can work it out. It's like a broken bone: It hurts like hell, but set it straight (which, again, hurts like hell) and once it's knit, it'll be doubly strong and will never break in the same place again.

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"Shouldadones" don't count, Daddy'sGirl. Nothing can be done to change the past. Don't dwell on it. You need to put it out of your mind. One mental exercise that might help: If you start to think of the painful events, replace the thought of something pleasant to think about. In my case, it would probably be kissing Mrs. Alura. :)

 

The more you talk with your husband about your feelings the more the memory will fade, as well. Communicate about everything, not just swinging. Try to tune your minds to each other on all things.

 

It sounds like y'all are well on your way!

 

Good luck!

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Intuition..hello and thanks for your post. I never thought about it like that. Maybe he was jealous... :sad:

 

And yes our relationship is D/s has been from day 1. He is my Master and my Husband...But he is very loving towards me generally...and doesn't tend to make me do anything I dont want to do. Generally if I get drunk he is sober looking out for me...so when he told me to sit down by his side I thought the situation with the woman had been squelched and he wanted me to stay away from Her. I obeyed like I always do. So when we left the bar and he was putting me into her car it was like...huh? He says I started the ball rolling when I responded to her kiss and in view of my fantasies he apparently started setting something up with her.

 

After they had sex she wanted to Dominate me...I heard her yelling and trying to push him out of the way he kept saying "No not like that" and "YOU won't come between me and my wife"...and then she said she would call rape ..etc. I was talking to the police before I even got to process the fact that I had seen my husband inside some other woman :sad:

 

I think you are all right I have to get that thought out of my mind...replace it with something else...I don't know why he chose to fuck that lady, she is not his type physically at all. She was much older than us and very skinny...not his type. I think it was the alcohol or she was pushing it. I don't really know, he just says he thought I would like it...but how could I when I was out cold? The more I think about it...the sadder I get.

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Hiya Daddy'sGirl......

 

(Sorry, that name makes me shudder)

 

I/We don't have enough experience to give any advice here, only thoughts I guess...This all seems too weird. You are married right? This is your life's partner, right? So, okay, you're a sub. How does that allow him to "socialize" with someone while he's on the west coast any you're in Boston while he's arranging to have himself and this "woman" seduce you? I don't get it. You were set up by your hubby.

 

Here are a few thoughts...(okay, this is advice, you caught me)

 

Talk, talk and more talk

Get rid of the alcohol

Set rules you can both live with (yes, they will change as you progress)

Talk, talk and more talk

Have fun?

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head the advice given.

 

Just because you are in a dom/sub relationship it does not mean he owns or controls you. As the sub you have the power to stop things at anytime if you are uncomfortable. Keep that in mind the next time someone starts trying to push you into situations that you are not comfortable with, there is a safety word there for a reason.

 

I hope you guys can learn from this situation so that it does not occur again.

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Boy, you folks sure are easy on her husband. I don't think that this episode had much to do with swinging or BDSM or anything more than a man who demonstrated a total lack of respect for the woman he supposedly loves and only sees twice a year. What should have been a rare and special time together turned into pursuit of a target of opportunity.

 

Seems like he has a lot of issues to work through, and so do you. Is counselling at all possible?

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The D/s component of our relationship does not play a part in this as much of some of you seem to think. I am submissive to my husband yes. But He loves me and wants to please me as well.

 

As I continue to reflect on this horrible mistake...I can accept what was stated in the first few posts. This is a prime example of what can happen when people don't clearly communicate. We did not preplan this, we never ever discussed doing this for real...(when we went out there was no intention what so ever to pick up some random stranger and bring her home). Add alcohol to the mix and my flirting with this woman (whom neither of us know, even to this day, we don't know her name I am ashamed to say) and as my husband says I got the ball rolling...and I accept responsibility for that.

 

I continue though to have difficulty understanding why he would sleep with the woman with me passed out if he in fact was trying to fulfill my fantasy...some of the suggestions made here seem plausible...but when I put it in the context of the entire course of events it doesn't make sense how my responding to another woman's kiss created a scenario which ends up with my husband inside of her.

 

Everyday I wake up and hope this will make sense and I can move on...but I still can't accept what happened...in time I pray I will.

 

I am curious what he must be thinking...he is out to sea and we can't talk right now. What is going on in his head...I wonder if having another woman whet his appetite for more. Can I trust him now...technically he did not cheat on me and as I said that woman is not his physical type at all...but does he fantasize about her? Compare us...?

 

He says he never wants to do this again...not even fantasize about it...to put it out of my head. But again, his focus is on the woman accusing him of raping her and the resulting police involvement...the fact that he had sex with another woman doesn't seem to phase him at all.

 

God every time I think or write it, I feel like I will faint. Please I would love to hear from any men who may read this what do you think maybe going on his head.

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I am curious what he must be thinking...he is out to sea and we can't talk right now. What is going on in his head...I wonder if having another woman whet his appetite for more. Can I trust him now...technically he did not cheat on me and as I said that woman is not his physical type at all...but does he fantasize about her? Compare us...?

 

He says he never wants to do this again...not even fantasize about it...to put it out of my head.

 

These are all questions and fears that even the best-prepared swinger has the first time he or she faces the reality of his or her partner having sex with someone else. Will my heart be safe? Will he forget about me? Will I ever be enough for him again? Remember, the agony of these things rattling around in your head is amplified because you and he didn't discuss anything! NONE of these questions were ever addressed or answered before-hand. After it was said and done, neither of you were prepared for the emotional aftermath. All you wanted to do was bury it, make it go away...and not talk about it anymore. Unfortunately, the only way to get rid of it is to do just that: talk about it. Even if we know someone loves us, we still need to hear it. We need to hear their heart in their voice. We need to see that they are willing to make themselves vulnerable to us.

 

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But again, his focus is on the woman accusing him of raping her and the resulting police involvement...the fact that he had sex with another woman doesn't seem to phase him at all.

 

My initial post suggested that perhaps he had sex with her as an act of retaliation for the jealousy that you caused him to feel by flirting and kissing the other woman. I know I'm all over the place with this, but we don't know and can't fully appreciate all the circumstances, so we're just going on what you've told us. It would be helpful if your H could add his side of things to this thread sometime in the future. Now with that in mind, it's hard to say just what happened between him and her. Alcohol really screws up our judgment (obviously) and causes us to do and say things that we wouldn't normally. It sounds like she's a bit of a bitch, though. From what you wrote in your 2nd post, she wanted to Dominate you in such a way as to cuckold you (if that applies to the female sex). As in, "I'm gonna screw your man's brains out, make him want me more than you, and I'm gonna make you watch!" Your H said, "No, not like that." to her. This, to me, has B-I-T-C-H written all over it. Well, I'd say her sorry attitude reeks of low self-esteem and a massive ego, so go ahead and feel sorry for her. I'd still be a little pissed off at her arrogance, though. Of course, it doesn't explain or excuse why your H was receptive to her (aggressive) advances.

 

The other explanation for his ignoring the penis-in-the-wrong-pussy issue might be that for him, it truly was not cheating. You knew that it was a sexually charged situation. No boundaries were set whatsoever, and given the fantasy realm everyone was in at the time, it did not seem inappropriate for him to indulge a fantasy of his, as you were open to indulging yours (Exhibit A: the kissing and flirting scene at the bar). Maybe he really had no idea that sex with her was off-limits. I know it must be difficult to deal with, especially with him away; the miles make him seem even more emotionally unavailable. I would suggest that, as soon as humanly possible, you tell him that you and he need to have a very serious discussion about what happened that night. And no, you don't want to drop it because you can't. There are unresolved issues that MUST be discussed. Do not let this go until you are both satisfied that all the relevant issues have been on the table and resolved.

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You asked to hear what other men might think is going on in his head. Well, I can't speak for him, or any other men, but I can speak for me and how it would affect me.

 

First, men are far less inclined to equate sex with love and that's my case. I've had fantastic sex partners, but had absolutely no interest in them beyond that. When I have sex with my wife, we are making love, but when I'm with another woman, it's merely recreation. Because it's so easy for me to maintain that distinction, I would find it very difficult to comprehend why my wife would think differently. When my wife is having sex with another man, I know she's doing it for physical pleasure and it never enters my mind that I'm competing with him. If he's providing sexual satisfaction that I can't give her, that's great! She has often said she can't imagine how she could be so lucky to be married to someone who loves her, yet lets her scratch an erotic itch when needed.

 

If my selfish fears are used as a barrier to my wife's pleasure, and if I believe that's the only way I can keep her, I deserve to lose her. There are men I wouldn't want her to be with and we always approve the other's playmates before doing anything, but ultimately, her decision to stay with me will not depend on my permission or objection to her sexual desires.

 

There are no innocent parties in your story and if I was in the same situation, I would tell my wife that it was a stupid decision on everyone's part and figure out a way to make sure it didn't happen again. I would really be ticked if it was held over my head as a club every time we had a disagreement. I would also be irritated by lots of tears and agonizing. Talk....don't whine. That would drive a wedge between us far faster than the quality, or perceived quality of any sexual experience.

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in our opinion there are a few things not really being said here.

 

1: alcohol does not create an alternate personality that is not already there. Yes, it may help in showing true colors, but a good person is still a good person when they are drinking, a controlling abusive person is sick and needs help rather they drink or not.

 

2: it sounds like when he told you to "sit down", he being your "master" as you said in your post, he knew what he was planning and wanted

all of the CONTROL over the situation, as any Master would :nono: Yes it also sounds like he does love you, he didn't want the other woman

to dominate you in a bad way, men that abuse their wives also say they love them and will protect them in most situations BUT THEY STILL NEED THEIR CONTROL

 

3: what about the issues not mentioned. What if she gets pregnant? What if she was really a married woman? What if she has VD?

 

4: if he is at sea, we suggest start writing letters asap, this isn't going to be easier in time when he gets home. You are stuck at home until then with all this going through your mind and heart, if ya'll can write to each other it's still at least COMMUNICATION

 

Maybe we are way off here, and sorry if this upsets you, but something doesn't sound right to us.

 

good luck to you both

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...Please I would love to hear from any men who may read this what do you think maybe going on his head....

Daddy'sGirl,

Here is one mans take on this. I have been following this thread with great empathy toward you, I must say that I think that intuition897 has already covered many of my own intuitions and musings about what happened. There is a key part of the puzzle missing.

 

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As we walked out I saw her parked in a car. My husband said she was giving us a ride.

At some point, your husband and this woman had to have agreed and planned, without your input or consent it appears, to have you both go with her. Who's idea was that? Your husband, or hers?

 

Some observations:

 

If you only see each other a couple of times a year, I find it difficult to see how the brief period of time you two had to reunite would have been enough for you two to reconnect as a couple. I am thinking this played some role.

 

Boundaries and limitations play a huge part in both the swinging world, and the D/s world, yet it is striking how they seem completely absent in this event. How much alcohol was a factor in that is difficult to gauge, it was surely huge, but not the whole story.

 

It is obvious to me that this other woman had less than zero respect either for you two as individuals, or for your relationship. Your description of her role has a palpable malevolence to it. In addition to your mistakes as a couple, and regardless of your husbands role, it is my thinking she victimized, and took advantage both of you and your intoxicated states. The unfortunate inclusion of this person into your private life not only amplified any existing underlying difficulties between you two, but created new ones. No self and other respecting person, swinger or not, would have agreed or suggested to include themselves in that encounter.

 

Your state that you made your wishes know, you wanted to walk home, not go with her...etc. Yet your husband willfully ignored you. You said stop. He did not. A violation in both D/s and swinging.

In my mind, this is a way bigger issue between you two than the fact that he fucked her, and probably underlies how he could come to do that. This mental stance, in that moment, of disrespect for you combined with her disrespect for you both set that up.

 

Of all the transgressions, it seem to me yours was minor compared to your husband's and that woman's. I feel you have a right to be pissed.

 

Yes, I can very much understand that for you, him being in her is a horrid, painful thing to go through. But he says otherwise.... baffling. I would seem that any issue this painful for you would HAVE to be one for him too., weather he understood why it was or not, weather he 'gets it" or not. His blowing this off would not fly with me.

 

What is going on in his head. I do not know, but this is what I hope: Fear.

 

He knows he screwed up, and he may well be down on himself, so much so he cannot right now face his own transgression, or take responsibility, as you did for your transgression of physically flirting with that other woman to begin with. This fear and shame could be very amplified in him, since he failed to protect you, as a good Master must. It is my guess he knows this. That he let himself fall victim to this other woman maybe even further amplifies this.. making him feel he cannot even take care of himself. I think he is in denial about everything. It is also my hunch that intuition897's hunch about using her as a weapon is correct... a very alcohol infused mix of jealousy, anger, fantasy, sex and domination combined in such a way he was prey to his own demons and this...bitch.

 

Daddy'sGirl, you will get past this, remember that. Bide you time.. trying to make sense out of this will be imposable until your husband is ready to face his part in this.

 

Usually I think communication and processing needs to be immediate. But, your husbands refusal to look at his actions with this women makes me think this is a situation that needs another option.

 

I think that perhaps NO communication for a while may be needed for you both to honestly reflect on what happened, and perhaps clearly, calmly and dispassionately analyze the events only... not their meaning, or causes. Who did what, when where, and in what timeline... as many times as I read your posts, those things are not that clear to me. The first thing you need to do to break down denial is to be convinced of the fact... he is trying to make that fact .."go away." There so many things going on here, it is hard to sort out. Picking at this sore right now may not be a good thing. He needs to untangle some things for himself before he is ready to to deal with your relationship I am guessing..

 

If it is any consolation to you, and if you KNOW you love each other, what I would be sure of is that he is not fantasizing about that event, comparing her to you.. unless it is to sadly ponder how much better you are than she could ever be and what a mess he made, he is most likely trying very hard to block out the whole thing, if he is a good man it probably is very painful for him. But his pain is about his failure on all levels...which may be why he is minimizing his sex with her and your pain about that.

 

But at some time when you are both ready, (a week perhaps) you will have to resolve all of this, and he will honestly HAVE to take responsibility for his part...including what he did with her, why he did... and how that affected you.

Take care.

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Sunswept said:
Daddy'sGirl,

 

If it is any consolation to you, and if you KNOW you love each other, what I would be sure of is that he is not fantasizing about that event, comparing her to you.. unless it is to sadly ponder how much better you are than she could ever be and what a mess he made, he is most likely trying very hard to block out the whole thing, if he is a good man it probably is very painful for him. But his pain is about his failure on all levels...which may be why he is minimizing his sex with her and your pain about that.

 

But at some time when you are both ready, (a week perhaps) you will have to resolve all of this, and he will honestly HAVE to take responsibility for his part...including what he did with her, why he did... and how that affected you.

Take care.

 

Thank You so much for Your post...it somehow is a healing balm on a very painful and open wound. I am crying but these feel like better tears somehow. I am too overwhelmed to speak. Thank You doesn't seem quite enough...but thank You. I will talk with him tomorrow, he will be in port. I will let You all know how it goes. Thank You all again sooo much.

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I must apologize. I had meant to include something in my post that reflected what Sunswept so sensitively said. He is absolutely right. In the end, the pain you feel is in your own mind, and you are the one who will ultimately control it and heal it. I'm sure your husband is a decent man, a man with a conscience. Even if he's not facing it right now, I'm sure he knows he screwed up royally. Try to look at the situation objectively and see that he is reacting to his bad behaviour in his way, and you are reacting to it in your way. Rest assured, any sexual experience with another woman - even if she was his type to a T - would pale in comparison. You have more to offer him than just sex, and he knows it. You have substance. You're like a diamond in a sea of cut glass beads. They all sparkle in the light, but only you have the beloved flaws that he knows so well, that make you the genuine article and infinitely more valuable to him. These other women do not know him nor do they love him the way you do. There's no sense of 'home' and 'safety' with anyone but you. For Mr. intuition and I, this is what makes our lifestyle so great.

 

Sunswept said:
What is going on in his head. I do not know, but this is what I hope: Fear.

 

He knows he screwed up, and he may well be down on himself, so much so he cannot right now face his own transgression, or take responsibility, as you did for your transgression of physically flirting with that other woman to begin with. This fear and shame could be very amplified in him, since he failed to protect you, as a good Master must. It is my guess he knows this. That he let himself fall victim to this other woman maybe even further amplifies this.. making him feel he cannot even take care of himself. I think he is in denial about everything. It is also my hunch that intuition897's hunch about using her as a weapon is correct... a very alcohol infused mix of jealousy, anger, fantasy, sex and domination combined in such a way he was prey to his own demons and this...bitch.

BTW, Sunswept, those were some very astute observations. I'm hoping that Mr. Daddy'sGirl might possibly add to this thread if he gets the chance. I would be very interested in hearing his point of view.

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Daddy'sGirl,

Here is one mans take on this. I have been following this thread with great empathy toward you, I must say that I think that intuition897 has already covered many of my own intuitions and musings about what happened. There is a key part of the puzzle missing.

 

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As we walked out I saw her parked in a car. My husband said she was giving us a ride.

 

 

I have to say double dog Dito on this one. It seems like there was something going on that you were not aware of. When did they make these plans?

 

You also showed your reluctance and asked to walk...right there should have been the end of the situation for me. You have every right to feel the way you do. Putting everything aside, if your husband voiced his objections to you kissing and fondling this woman's breasts, because he was uncomfortable with it, would you have stopped? Wouldn't you say the feelings you have about seeing your husband with this other woman is the feelings of being cheated on? In my book, that is exactly what happened. He was going to experience someone else regardless of your feelings.

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[ Putting everything aside, if your husband voiced his objections to you kissing and fondling this woman's breasts, because he was unconfortable with it, would you have stopped? .

Yes..he asked me after I kissed her and touched her"What is going on..what do you want to do here?'I told Him I only wanted to be with Him.From that point on I sat by his side and we never mentioned it again..nor did I speak to the woman again.It is obvious to me however that they continued to speak.I really need to talk to HIm.I was sharing the blame with him 50/50 and yet in my heart I really felt he had acted on some other impulse that even though he said he was"Giving me what I wanted" did not include me.I need for Him to tell me why did he go foward with having sex with her.Even if the answer hurts.We have not discussed this at all.He wanted to have sex the following morning..like nothing happened..I couldnt bring myself to look at his d*ck never mind touch it.He said "what you dont want it any more??" He tried to pull my hand down and said"Its still yours" I refused I asked him if he had used a condom which I knew he hadnt because we dont use them..he said no.He said I will get tested..and I cried again.he held me but I couldnt bear the thought of letting his d*ck touch me.We spent the day together talking about it over and over but never about the sex part but about him trying to give me what I wanted...He said he didnt stop when he saw me in the hallway because he thought I would like to watch :( Then he kept talking about how crazy she was and about the police and thank God I was there as a witness..blah blah blah..I felt embarrassed somehow to ask Him about the sex..He kept saying I had started it...but in my heart I knew anything I did not HAVE to end with Him f*cking her and yet I stayed silent because I felt ashamed.I know now I have to ask Him why he chose to do this..really I cant move on until he takes responsibility for this..I know I am rambling and really YOu cant know how much this helps..he wanted me to leave it all in Seattle when I came Home to forget it..I was trying so hard and I couldnt...I googled the question 3some and regret and found this board..and Thank God for You all and Your patience with me.....The advice and the caring....Thank You so much.

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I have followed this thread with some interest...and finally will post a few of my thoughts.

 

I do not think that any couple who only sees each other a few times a year for brief periods should even consider swinging in any shape or form. There is no way you have enough time to reconnect with each other least of all put another person or more into the mix...someone would have to move closer to the other...phone sex or not...that is not a healthy relationship for swinging..

 

I don't think she was a stranger. That to me is too handy. I think she knew about your relationship..hence her screaming she wanted to *dominate you*...she knew how your relationship worked.

 

You guys need some serious talking....serious about where you are going with this whole relationship.

 

His *it still belongs to you* would get Mr. Midnight kicked out the house after a stunt like that...maybe with Mr. Happy still attached, maybe not.. :nono:

 

But I would sit and think very hard about this whole relationship, marriage or not if it is going somewhere healthy you want it too. Because I would see repeat performances of this if it was me.

 

If he is the dominate one, the I say all do all type, and you are the submissive one..and you don't want to be..then you need to think about where it can all end up at.

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...but thank You..I will talk with Him tomorrow he will be in port..I will let You all know how it goes...

Daddy'sGirl, you are most welcome for your kind thanks, i hope it is deserved, please do keep us informed. As you have seen, there are many thoughtful and insightful and experienced people here that will listen to you,

 

intuition897 said:
.... those were some very astute observations. I'm hoping that Mr. Daddy'sGirl might possibly add to this thread if he gets the chance. I would be very interested in hearing his point of view.

Thx, jeez..I sure hope so, but there is such a complex of confusions here, I am making an assumption that Mr. Daddy'sGirl is basically a good guy, and wants to be a good Dom, and knows what that means. I am just putting down how I have felt in the past when I have been a damn fool. I too would like to hear Mr. Daddy'sGirl's point of view. That he made a mistake, and in my view he did, is not important compared to his willingness to own it and deal with it.

 

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It is obvious to me however that they continued to speak. I really need to talk to HIm.

Daddy'sGirl, I know all this must hurt like hell, I am hoping you can set aside all that hurt for a bit, gather your strength, and construct a list of Who was Where and When. What were they doing. Where were you sitting? Where was he sitting? Where was she sitting. etc. moment by moment. You need to gather the facts as you remember them. It sounds like you do not know the answer to the question I asked, "who's idea was it for you both go with her. Who's idea was that? Your husband, or hers?" You need to find this out, or at least ask this, you can see why this such an important question.

 

Here is a little trick, sometime when negative emotions are so strong they cloud my awareness, I imagine I am in a movie theatre, and I am just sitting there watching what happened as if it was on a screen, I see myself and the others in my mind as if "they" were just actors, as if I am just watching a movie. That allows me the "emotional room" to see things I would be too upset to notice, it allows me to see the whole story.

 

This whole "I was just giving you your fantasy" deal. You already see how self-serving that is. You already see the paradoxes that arise if that was actually the case. How can that be if you were nearly.. or were passed out?

Think of this as an onion... this story is just the skin that covers the layers of what is really important here. And what is important is for your husband to acknowledge that what he did hurt you, his motivations, be they good or be they subverted by the situation, are irrelevant until he can own his actions.

 

midnight hour brings up a disturbing thought but it may be important.

midnight hour said:
..I don't think she was a stranger. That to me is too handy. I think she knew about your relationship..hence her screaming she wanted to *dominate you*...she knew how your relationship worked.

This is definitely another question to be answered. Also, was this woman in the service? Exactly where were you, where was she and where was your husband immediately prior to, and during the time she came up and started talking to you, and exposed herself to you. What were you two talking about?? Did it seem like she somehow knew you? What did you feel when she first approached you?

 

DaddysGirl, perhaps you can put together a list of questions and write them down, so when you discuss this you will have a guide to get some important answers when you talk to your husband.

 

I have a few questions. You say you have always had a D/s relationship. Were you trained as a submissive, was your hubby ever trained as a Dom? How did you get into that lifestyle? Did you do that together... or come from other D/s relationships? What is your understanding of what it is to be a submissive? What is your understanding of what it is to be a Dom? Is your relationship Master/Slave or TPE or Dom/submissive? I assume the latter from your nickname, Daddy'sGirl? How M are you? How S is he?

 

Do you have a way to take a "time out" from that power exchange and return to equal power? I really feel now is a time you must take your power back. No matter how or why it happened, your Dom, Him, has misused the power that you have given him. The D/s framework has been broken here, and is just another confusing layer at this point, and is a barrier now in repairing the damage that has been been done. Have you asked about this on any BDSM boards?

 

Daddy'sGirl, believe in your own strength. Remember you have choices. A submissive merely gives away her great power to her Dom as a gift, you can always take it back in an emergency... or at your will at any time. You need to do this, process everything and rebuild trust. I am sure all the people here would be willing to answer not only your questions, but your husbands too.

Take care, I so hope your talk with your husband goes well.

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"we only see each other 2 times a year" !!! Do u think he didn't do that before while he is far from u?? I Doubt any man can stand whole year without having sex !!! Just my opinion.

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Guest newoneshere2

I too have been following this closely and i have a couple of questions before i add my 2 cents... how old is he, how long have you two been separated geographically and finally how long has he been in the Navy / Marine Corps ? I ask these as i have been both a single sailor and a married sailor for a number of years and know that there are some underlying factors that are unique to our brothers in arms abroad.

 

P.S. hang in there you are headed down the right path...it just isn't easy but you will not believe how strong you will be in the end!!!

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newoneshere2 said:
I too have been following this closely and i have a couple of questions before i add my 2 cents................... how old is he, how long have you two been separated geographically and finally how long has he been in the Navy / Marine Corps ? I ask these as i have been both a single sailor and a married sailor for a number of years and know that there are some underlying factors that are unique to our brothers in arms abroad.

 

Mr. newoneshere2 (1%er)

 

P.S. hang in there you are headed down the right path...it just isn't easy but you will not believe how strong you will be in the end !!!

He is 34. I am 39. He is a Career Sailor...second marriage for both. He has been a Geo for 2 years and 3 months. We have been together for 7 years...married 11/27/04. I have a career and didn't want to move.

 

For the record in my gut I really trust my husband has been loyal to me. He has the ability to turn off his sex drive...when he is underway he has no contact with women for long stretches so this isn't so new. I will be talking to him tonight and will update.

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intuition897 said:
Rest assured, any sexual experience with another woman - even if she was his type to a T - would pale in comparison. You have more to offer him than just sex, and he knows it. You have substance. You're like a diamond in a sea of cut glass beads. They all sparkle in the light, but only you have the beloved flaws that he knows so well, that make you the genuine article and infinitely more valuable to him. These other women do not know him nor do they love him the way you do. There's no sense of 'home' and 'safety' with anyone but you. For Mr. intuition and I, this is what makes our lifestyle so great.

 

Those words are so beautiful. I come back to this thread all the time just to read them again and again....

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Sunswept said:

I have a few questions. You say you have always had a D/s relationship. Were you trained as a submissive, was your hubby ever trained as a Dom? How did you get into that lifestyle? Did you do that together... or come from other D/s relationships? What is your understanding of what it is to be a submissive? What is your understanding of what it is to be a Dom? Is your relationship Master/Slave or TPE or Dom/submissive? I assume the latter from your nickname, Daddy'sGirl? How M are you? How S is he?

 

I have been trained as a submissive...my husband is just naturally Dominant. I have called him Master but most often Daddy and this is the way we interact mostly. Again, this has happened naturally nothing formal. I have no safe words with my husband, he loves me and takes care of me I trust him with all that I have.

 

I am his slave in my heart but I don't think he would agree that he owns me. This is the first time we have been together that he has ever pushed anything this far especially if I have resisted it....he was very drunk also...because we weren't driving he really let loose.

 

At this point I need to talk to him to piece together the rest of that night...it happened Friday. I left Saturday, traveled through Sunday, and he got underway on Monday...so we now have had 3 days alone to digest this separately. I honestly thought I could leave it behind in Seattle as the plane took off it would stay...but as you can tell it is still unresolved.

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I have been trained as a submissive...my husband is just naturally Dominant. I have called him Master but most often Daddy and this is the way we interact mostly. Again, this has happened naturally nothing formal. I have no safe words with my husband, he loves me and takes care of me I trust him with all that I have.

 

I am his slave in my heart but I don't think he would agree that he owns me.

 

Daddy'sGirl,

As a trained submissive, and that you are giving him so much of your power..slave.. which amounts to TPE, (no safe word) surely you can see that he needs to have a very solid understanding of power exchange to be able to 1) accept and 2) shoulder the responsibility you have given him? He does not agree that he owns you.. but you are giving him ownership..do you see the unbalance in the power exchanges here?

 

I would invite you to consider stepping back to submissive.. or to a level that matches his understanding and commitment to D/s?? This is not about love, this is about power exchange. You gave him your power. Even though you objected, you obeyed him, and he ended up misusing that. I am not sure it is wise for a sub to give her Dom any more or her than he can handle. Yes, he ended up physically protecting you physically from that woman... but do you see how he totally failed at protecting you emotionally? And that if he can not see or understand how important that is, that he has much more to learn before you can be slave (or even sub) to him? Just as in swinging, in D/s there needs to be clarity, communication, trust, and you must be on the same page. Also do you see an experienced Dom would never allow himself to become incapacitated to the point he could no longer protect, in every way, his sub? Everyone can make mistakes, what counts is how you both move forward to clarify and correct the issues you have discovered.

 

My best wishes on this to you and your husband!

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Thank You All for your kindness and support through a very difficult time in our marriage. I spoke with my Husband yesterday. I was going to continue to gloss over the sex part of what happened between Him and that other woman until I came to this board. So many of you emphasized that the only way to truly get beyond this event was to talk about it. Thanks to great advice from this board I approached my husband and first just asked Him to fill in the blanks for me. Through this initial discussion I was able to see clearly (like a movie) the events of the whole evening and several missing pieces of the puzzle.

 

Discussion Act 1

We went back over what had initiated the situation. I drunkenly (mistake 1a) responded to the kiss of a strange woman in a bar and after she lifted her blouse to show me her body I touched her breast (Mistake 1b)

 

1. My husband had told this woman in the bar that I was submissive to Him.

2. She stated quite clearly that she wanted to have sex with me (to my husband).

3. My husband was aroused after watching me kiss this woman and thought I was letting Him know I wanted this. We never discussed anything (mistake number 2).

4. After he told me to sit they continued to talk and to make an arrangements. (He says he doesn't remember saying I wanted to walk home).

5. When we were in the car we were with her friend after dropping Him off my husband got into the front seat, I was already passed out in the back.

6. They continued to clarify the roles. Discussed that they were both Dominant and who would Dominate me. My husband telling her only he would Dominate me.

7. We get home..I pass out in the bed.

8. He says he can't clearly remember what happened between the time he left me on the bed and she started going crazy. Although he acknowledged they had sex.

 

Discussion Act 2

 

Ok, so now I got mad. I said this act had nothing to do with me and yet you keep telling me this is my fault? I started the ball rolling? Did you know I was passed out when you left me? He says yes. Then why did you start having sex with her if this was about me? He got very defensive and said ok so you want me to admit I made the biggest mistake of all, Fine I did!! Look I can't change what happened I wish I could but I can't I am sorry I can't. At this point I told him this became HIS experience not mine. He admitted that was true. He said he was responding to everything before....But I stopped him again and said, No at any point you could have stopped you are an adult. He admitted that was true. He was very upset at this point saying over and over He was sorry. I said I want to know what happened. He said...she said let's fuck first and then we will go to her. He says he was so aroused and intoxicated he didn't think about anything. Even when he saw me he didn't stop even when he knew I had gone back into the bedroom he was too caught up. I told Him how bad that hurt me. He started to cry. He said he was so sorry. I wanted to know every detail of the sex. Who did what to whom and how long did it last and did he cum. (This is important to me because my Husband takes so long to cum in me and I always think its because my pussy doesn't satisfy Him and if he came in her my own insecurities rearing their ugly head). He told me everything and strangely enough that helped (and no he didn't cum he was saving that for me he said). I said so what happened after the sex? He said she completely changed personalities and said she was going to Dominate me. My husband said no that wasn't the arrangement. She said that my husband was too weak to have me. That she was going to fuck me and I was going to be hers. He panicked when she started coming down the hall. And of course you all know the rest of the story. He says He wished He could take it back. He said over and over he was sorry, he felt so guilty, did I hate him. please forgive Him. He only wants me, he loves our sex life and my body and our life together. You know what? I believe Him. We both made mistakes that night and now that he admitted what he did and knows how bad it made me feel we apologized to each other and I really felt I could move on. Except the strangest thing happened.

 

Discussion Act 3

I got pissed again. I got pissed because he had experienced a "fantasy" and he had left me out. I got pissed because it was MY fantasy DAMMIT and I didn't even get to experience it. I was so angry... (does that even make any damn sense?) He said no way we are doing that again, let's not open that box. I said WTF??? You already opened the box you screwed another woman. We have already "gone there" or you have anyway...so he says so are you saying you really want to try this again? I said yes except this time we will plan every detail, every limitation, every move. I said and you will watch me being pleased by someone else. He said he didn't know if he could do that. That he was worried I might find someone and want to have a relationship with them or another Domme might try and take me from Him. I almost wanted to laugh hearing how stressed out the thought made Him. I told him about the board. He got nervous thinking I was looking for women. Yes at this point I realize I was retaliating. I could see myself doing it but couldn't stop. I wanted Him to hurt and feel insecure just like I did.

 

Discussion

Final Act

We talked for hours about everything no holds barred. I told Him how much You guys actually helped me. He shared his thoughts. Talked about my mixed signals. Talked about his main motivation in all he does it to make me happy. We talked and talked and talked. At the end of the night...I felt closer to my husband than I ever have felt in our relationship. We talked it ALL out. I felt relieved I felt peace. This story will have a happy ending.

 

The End

 

Prologue

After reading so much advice on this board I am really desiring to have this experience with my Husband and doing it the right way.But I will wait and cool off a little bit because somewhere deep inside this may still be a desire to"even the score".

 

Thanks for everything and for putting up with me.... :kissface:

babygirl

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Prologue

After reading so much advice on this board I am really desiring to have this experience with my Husband and doing it the right way.But I will wait and cool off a little bit because somewhere deep inside this may still be a desire to"even the score".

D Girl,

This is the best thing for you to do. You are going through all the emotions that a person who has been cheated on goes through (shock, insecurity, anger, revenge...) I am glad that you are working it out, and it sounds like the walls are falling and the communication between you both is opening up. Please continue to talk about these things, but, do me a favor. You say you believe what your husband says. Do not continue to ask for every detail. You are just opening yourself up for more pain. I wish you both the very best. I hope, in the future, that you both can experience your fantasies and desires together. You are a team in everything that you do.

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After reading so much advice on this board I am really desiring to have this experience with my Husband and doing it the right way.But I will wait and cool off a little bit because somewhere deep inside this may still be a desire to"even the score".

 

This exact scenario has happened to my wife and I. In both directions believe it or not. She started things up with a girl and then passed out and then was we're-getting-divorced pissed off the next day. I've also done the same thing in reverse to her at least once that I know of.

 

In our case, for both of us, the solution was to desensitize and demystify by having more sex adventures, not less. When I passed out and woke up to her fucking a friend of mine I was really hurt and I wanted to know every detail about what I had missed. It's such an extreme and rare thing and I was left out of it. We went forward with that and did other MFM's intentionally so that I could participate. She let me take more control of the situation so that I felt like it was my idea. It made my left-out incident seem like a learning experience instead of some big painful relationship issue. Same thing for her, now that she's seen me with women and been fully involved, the night that I kept going after she passed out doesn't seem like a big deal to her. Not that we're planning on future incidents like that but if accidents happen in the future then it will be way less of an issue.

 

People here will probably tell you that your plan to wait a while is best because you need a strong relationship before you try to swing. I disagree because you've already started so that's a moot issue. Because of what happened you no longer have the option of waiting to start until you're at the perfect planetary alignment point in your relationship. You started. The issue now is whether you can get back on the horse and learn to enjoy it or whether you stew on it and make it more complex in your head for months. Life is just too short for months of tension and insecurity and animosity. My opinion is do it again as soon as you think that you would enjoy it, just make sure that it's set up so that you're the one in control and feeling comfortable this time around. You can be submissive and still be in control if you're with the right people. Raving lunatic exhibitionist drunk dominatrix lady is probably not 'the right people' for you.

 

And don't think it's bad to want to 'even the score'. Spitefulness and extreme tit for tat situations are unproductive but you're right to want some fun too. Assert your sex drive. Your urge to get some of your own since you were too passed out to enjoy the first time is healthy and normal. I didn't really get past my pain until I stopped suppressing the admission that I wanted to have a party for me, too. Once I got that off of my chest and we went out and made some fun adventures for me, as a couple, we were over that whole ordeal.

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TeamSoBe said:
the night that I kept going after she passed out .

 

Thanks so much for your post. It helps to know it is not such a disaster or that we were alone in our mistake. Why did you keep going though? As a man is it simply because of needing to "get off" .Do you completely just tune your partner out at that point? I wish I could understand...But I am taking starlins advice, I won't ask my husband anymore for details, I know it hurts Him what happened...

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D Girl,

You are going through all the emotions that a person who has been cheated on goes through (shock, insecurity, anger, revenge...) .

 

Would you consider it cheating ..even though "I started it"?

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From what I've read I didn't see any reason why it would be your fault, I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Your husband got carried away (to put it nicely) and screwed up big time. It would appear that he is genuinely sorry and also that you don't want to leave him over this. I'd suggest you stick with the plan of giving it a little time to get over it and then try again to fullfill those fantasies. However, no matter how sorry someone might be that doesn't mean they're not going to do it again. You need to communicate very clearly and respect each other completely from this point on and he should be 110% looking out for you and your needs when in any situations like this and if he violates your trust again you'd be a fool to continue with him.

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Would you consider it cheating ..even though "I started it"?

 

Yes I would call it cheating and no you didn't start it in the same way he ended it! If he'd have just kissed and fondled her as you had done, then it may be more understandable & forgivable. He didn't stop, he knew for a fact you were passed out and still chose to take it all the way to intercourse without your input or permission. That is cheating in my book!

Plus making plans with her without telling you shows he's capable of secrecy and not stopping when he saw you were there' shows great disrespect for your feelings, pride & marriage. This is just my opinion,I"m sure others will disagree.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you; I know first hand how much pain & about all of the questions cheating can cause. :sad:

Forgive him if you can(it will take a while to even fully do that) but don't ever forget it completely. That doesn't mean to dwell on it; just be aware that he has the capability/mindset to do it and then tried to turn it back on you; so you feel like HIS choice to screw her was your fault. :nono:

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Why did you keep going though?As a man is it simply because of needing to "get off"?

No I wasn't a robot looking for an orgasm or anything. In my case it was after our combined bachelor/bachelorette party. Hours in a full-contact strip club (Mons Venus, wuhoo!) getting lap dances from beautiful strippers with lots of groping, my future-wife on stage fully naked in front of a bunch of friends and tourists (she made over a hundred in tips that night!) and then a bunch of friends afterward drunk and crazy at a private hot tub party. She and I are in the hot tub and she turns to a friend of mine who was standing next to the tub and pulls his dick out and starts sucking him. She doesn't normally get into that so it was kind of crazy and it says how excited all of us were. I was cautious and reluctant to be too aggressive with anybody like I usually am so I was slower to get into it. The heat of the hot tub and the booze and the late night zonked her out after a while, after she hadn't really done much other than get everybody else moving.

 

The reason why I kept going was probably the same as with your guy, I was bombed out drunk just like my wife and I didn't even realize that she was gone and done. When I first started playing with the woman who I had sex with I didn't know that my girl was out because I was just trying to go with the flow of things and let myself get into the excitement, which I'm normally too cautious to do. By the time that woman and I had sex yes I had realized that my girl was zonked and I had even tried to rouse her. Booze led me to believe that continuing without her would be perfectly appropriate but of course that was just dumb and it wasn't at all. I fessed up the moment she woke up and she was initially alright with it but eventually got very jealous as she thought about it over the next week or two.

 

It wasn't a 'guy thing' that as a woman you can't understand, it was just a human making a dumb decision. A horny girl is capable of the exact same behavior. My horny girl in fact has made the exact same dumb decision. I don't fear secret sexual demons in her that I'll never understand, I just know that she can fuck up and make shitty horny decisions just like I can. And she feels terrible the next day just like I do. Now that I've seen how much it hurt her I'm not likely to make that same decision again because I care for her and I'm wiser now and I'm not just a life support system for a dick.

 

One of the many reasons why it's easy for me to do the right thing by my wife now at times like that is the fact that I know that I'm not passing up a rare and valuable opportunity when a girl comes on to me and my wife is unavailable. I can do the right thing in a stand-up way like a man rather than jumping on a fleeting chance to tap some strange. This, because I know that my wife would love to reward me for my loyalty after she wakes up from being passed out, by setting up another opportunity for me to tap some strange while she's competent to consent. That helps a LOT, I just have no urge to do anything wrong because I know I have the option of doing it right. Right now you're in a situation where it might or might not happen again and that's all up in the air so both of you are tempted and conflicted, wondering whether the fun could be worth the drama. It can be if you spend more effort trying to get the good parts right than on mulling over the bad parts.

 

Do you completely just tune your partner out at that point?

No, personally I have the opposite problem. It's almost impossible for me to tune her out during swinging and have my own fun. I have to fight to try to focus the attention that my play partners deserve rather than just staring at whatever my wife is doing. If I can be that way and this can still happen to me then there's no reason to assume that your husband is eager to tune you out for something better. Maybe he is or maybe he isn't but you can't assume that he's bored of you just because he had fun and went along with an adventure a little too enthusiastically. I really love and lust after my wife and I did what your husband did. Everybody fucks up sometimes. You would have far more reason to worry if he had tried to conceal it from you.

 

Oh and he might not be into telling you all of the details because he simply doesn't remember. He might not be reveling with you in how good the sex was because maybe it wasn't. In my case the sex itself su-hu-hu-hucked. It lasted probably less than a minute, I didn't get off, she didn't get off, it was just bad sex. My wife had a really hard time believing that I wasn't concealing anything from her, that it really truly was just bad, unmentionable sex. I know that she doesn't believe me that it lasted less than a minute and that I didn't enjoy it but really, all true.

 

It sounds like the woman that you guys picked up was a complete fiasco anyway so I wouldn't automatically assume that he loved it and that he's hiding that from you. It sounds like it sucked for him about as much as you. More if you keep punishing him. After he had sex with this woman apparently her head spun around a few times and she started to belittle him and then he had to go into protector mode to keep the crazy bitch from raping you. Think about that one for a minute, that's incredibly shitty sex from a guy's point of view. He doesn't get off, gets belittled by the girl he just stuck it to, then he's dealing with some crazy drunk unsatisfied lesbian lunatic and a jealous hurt wife at the same time. Can't fault the guy for being nervous about trying another adventure like that.

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TEAM SOBE----

 

You are so blunt but absolutely hilarious. You are a very funny guy...and you make me feel relieved because most of what you said is what he said...that it lasted only about 10 minutes, that he doesn't remember the details, and that he didn't cum. So I am going to choose to believe it suuuucked..lol.

 

So tell me do you consider what you did cheating considering your wife got it started with some other guy? Didn't she in some ways contribute to the outcome?

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Sunswept said:
I would invite you to consider stepping back to submissive.. or to a level that matches his understanding and commitment to D/s?? This is not about love, this is about power exchange. You gave him your power. Even though you objected, you obeyed him, and he ended up misusing that. I am not sure it is wise for a sub to give her Dom any more or her than he can handle.

 

Thank You this is very very good advice. I never really thought that I was giving Him more than he can handle but I think you are right. We talked a lot about this topic recently, it is amazing to me how such a miserable situation is teaching us such valuable lessons about our relationship. How much we have kept to ourselves and kept from each other. I am one who always looks for the silver lining in everything. For me I choose to believe this experience will bring us closer and more in tune to each other mentally and spiritually.

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Daddy'sGirl, thanks I'm thrilled if you're entertained, sounds like you need it.

 

Quote
So tell me do you consider what you did cheating considering your wife got it started with some other guy? Didn't she in some ways contribute to the outcome?

Well personally I think that "cheating" is way too simple a word to be applied to the sorts of relationships that you and I are attempting to have with our spouses. "Cheating" is a term from a black-or-white morality mentality that you can't apply to a bunch of people who are exploring the shades of gray in between.

 

In my case I did knowingly violate my future-wife's trust because I knew that she was passed out and I fucked the girl anyway. I didn't think of it as wrong at the time but if you had stopped the party energy and sat me down for five minutes and said "you know you shouldn't do that girl right?" then I would have slurred out "yeah I know okay I won't do it". But that just didn't happen and I violated her trust so call it "cheating" if you want. My wife had the sense to avoid such an emotionally charged word as "cheating" even during the times when she was pissed off. If that word had come up a lot during our conversations afterward then progress would have been much more difficult. Is your goal to assign blame and make somebody pay retribution or is your goal to have a good relationship with your husband and maybe get laid on the side? Your call. If your goal is to assign blame then all three of you are to blame so that doesn't help anybody.

 

The time I passed out, my very horny wife got kind of pressured by my extremely horny best friend (they were rolling on ecstasy at the time, I was sadly in a g-hole) into having sex. But before she would let him fuck her she made him move to the other side of a couch so that there was a visual barrier. So she knew that what she was doing was wrong. Then when I woke up wondering where they were they stopped having sex and concealed it and acted like nothing was up. They told me that they had just been talking. I was still in the mood to see some action and it was actually the first time she had been with anybody else since we had met, I was all excited by what I thought was a big event so they passed it off like they had never had sex and then let me push them together again. I figured it out months later, possibly years later I can barely remember now. I confronted her and she fessed up. Man I was hurt over that because that's a huge violation of trust. Because of how she handled that I really have no way of knowing whether there have been other incidents like that which she was just too chickenshit to tell me about.

 

So that was also "cheating" because it was a violation of trust? Or was it not because I stripped her clothes off for him before I passed out and then begged them to fuck after I woke up? Or is it too gray to call one way or another because we were intentionally exploring the boundaries of appropriateness? Obsessing over whether a word from vanilla morality applies to either of our situations would be pointless. In my case we both focused on learning to include each other in our escapades. Ours was more a problem of learning to synchronize our fun times to each other rather than a problem of am-I-right-to-feel-hurt or whatever. You were right to feel hurt but you would not be right to stew over feeling hurt for months without doing anything productive about it.

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Oh, uh, addendum:

 

Drugs are bad, kids, m'kay?

 

Especially alcohol. Consume around sexy people at your own risk. Mind altering substances and the people who love them share the blame in all of these situations.

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For me I choose to believe this experience will bring us closer and more in tune d to each other mentally and spiritually.

You're right about that. Anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That rule applies to relationships too.

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TeamSoBe said:
My wife had the sense to avoid such an emotionally charged word as "cheating" even during the times when she was pissed off. If that word had come up a lot during our conversations afterward then progress would have been much more difficult. Is your goal to assign blame and make somebody pay retribution or is your goal to have a good relationship with your husband and maybe get laid on the side? Your call. If your goal is to assign blame then all three of you are to blame so that doesn't help anybody.

 

Actually I haven't used that word at all. I was actually pretty shocked to see it used in this thread which is why I have been asking about it. I agree we were all to blame. I am not going to "play" victim or anything close to it. I just really needed to understand what the heck happened before I could begin the process of really letting it go and not having it stuck in my craw for months and months eating away at our marriage and our future happiness.

 

And for the record...yes you are very funny.

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Well, Daddy'sGirl, it looks like you two have come to a good point in all this. Good job! Above all, communication and the truth are the most important ingredients in swinging successfully. The next step is to work on some jealousy issues for both of you, and like you said, possibly some retaliation issues on your part. There are many good threads on the board regarding jealousy. Do a search and you'll find them.

 

Good luck!

 

Mr. WS

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Well no amount of thinking or conversing ever allowed me to 'let it go'. What did was watching my wife take some dick while locking her eyes with mine, and me getting laid with that guy's beautiful wife that same night.

 

Immediately after that I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me and it just didn't seem at all interesting to me to revisit the shitty experiences since there are so many positive experiences in our future. It all just became moot and irrelevant. We've had lots of rough experiences since then but I've learned to see all of them as a learning experience. As long as I trust that she loves me and our relationship is based on a lot more than just sex I'm able to overlook the little bumps in the road.

 

I've noticed, from talking to a few military wives, that experiences like yours seem to be getting more common with our armed forces. Fallout from extended rotations? I'll ask around to see if there are any places online where you can find other geographically separated military couples trying to explore racy sex lives. Swingers can identify with part of what you're going through, but my wife and I are together literally 24/7/365, we're five feet from each other at all times because we live and work together. You have special concerns.

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D Girl

Yes, I consider what your husband did cheating. Did you know when you went out and met this girl, that the end result was that he would fucking her? I am the type of person that thinks "Wow, how would I feel if my husband did that" Being somewhat experienced, if the plan was to have a MFF, and I passed out, if I woke up and found my husband fucking the perspective participant in our adventure, I would consider that he cheated on me, because it was without my knowledege.

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Daddy'sGirl,

I am so glad you two talked about this, and very glad you husband has begun to "own" his part in the events that hurt you. This is as very good thing, the beginning of processing what happened. Mis-steps are greatest teachers!

 

You both are newbies to the swinging world, you will find much information in the beginning swinging section on this forum, I urge you both to read everything on this site about swinging. As far as I can tell, swinging is a fantasy for you both, but not something you have really seriously talked about, as in setting boundaries and limits. What happened to you both with that woman was NOT swinging as I understand swinging.

 

And from what you wrote, seems you both are not yet comfortable seeing the other having sex with someone else. I think your instinct to go slow is a very good one. I think at this point it would be a disaster for you both to pursue any more swinging encounters until you both get a better understanding about what swinging is, and I totally reject the idea that more encounters will improve anything or make you both ready to swing. The event you just went through was a trauma for both of you, and working out problems in a relationship by swinging not only does not work... it is not fair or respectful to your potential swinging partners.

 

Also, you are in another lifestyle, the D/s world. I have experience with that, and all I can say is it takes a lot more than a dominant personality to be a Dom. Most (all) good Doms have experience with submission.. training to be a Dom usually requires the potential Dom be first train as a submissive. Also, the BDSM world and the swinging world are a very volatile mix, and are a bit mutually exclusive since most swingers are not into BDSM. Bottom line here is that there were enough failures in this event within the D/s frame that you both will benefit working on that aspect first, before you attempt to get into swinging...IMHO.

 

I have a few comments:

 

Quote
....

We went back over what had initiated the situation.I drunkenly (mistake 1a) responded to the kiss of a strange woman in a bar and after she lifted her blouse to show me her body I touched her breast (Mistake 1b)

I do not get this, because of what you say below:

 

Quote

1. My husband had told this woman in the bar that I was submissive to Him.

2. She stated quite clearly that she wanted to have sex with me (to my husband)

And this all happened without your input. A big no-no within the swinging frame! You had no choice in selecting the play partner. Not good. Now, from within the D/s frame, an experienced Dom would know better than to do this in this situation.. but I can see how it sort of makes sense for him to "arrange" this experience for you as your master... but this is a perfect example of why swinging...and D/s... can be a tricky and dangerous mix. Even within D/s, this all should have been all discussed BY YOU BOTH at some point before hand.

 

In short, no matter what his intention was for you...this was a setup. I do not see how on earth you can say you made mistakes 1a and 1b when your husband set you up to make this mistake. I am not saying he really realized what he was doing here, again the D/s thing clouds this...but it was THEIR OUTCOME for you to make this mistake! So who really made the mistake here?!!

 

Quote
3. My husband was aroused after watching me kiss this woman and thought I was letting Him know I wanted this. We never discussed anything (mistake number 2)

Daddy'sGirl, this does not square with how he or you acted.."(him- ) whats going on here?? (You- ) I felt really embarrassed and told him I only wanted to be with Him."

How confusing is that? This is deliberate miscommunication on his part! This amounts to him chastising you for something he secretly wanted you to do, him having taken advantage of the pre-existing fantasy HE knew you had.

Your only mistake is that you fell for that.

 

I will stop here for now, in your description I see this same dynamic of him arranging with that woman what would happen next, with you out of the picture, repeating over and over. Not good! And I just want to point out to you that you did not start this IMHO! There was no mistake 1a or 1b. Unless there is more to this you have not told us, he made a mistake by discussing you with that woman and then giving her permission to approach you without your knowledge.

 

The good news is that you both seem like you are willing to discover the lessons that this event had for you both, and you are willing to do what it takes to strengthen your relationship by taking an honest look at things, learning some new things..and making some radical communication changes for the better. If you want to play with others, you will have to get your communications mixed-message free, open, honest... and hopefully more frequent!

 

Another thing... never again try to play with others while intoxicated. If you both need that to get over your inhibitions...you are not ready.

 

Quote
After reading so much advice on this board I am really desiring to have this experience with my Husband and doing it the right way.But I will wait and cool off a little bit because somewhere deep inside this may still be a desire to"even the score".

Thanks for everything and for putting up with me.... :kissface:

babygirl

"even the score"..again, swinging is not the place to work out your relationship issues, or your hurt at seeing him with another woman,. or not getting your fantasy. People that use sex as a weapon cannot swing. I am glad you realize this. And I am glad you want to explore this in the right way. But don't even consider actively swinging until you two have really thought this through, and your communications are not prone to the breakdowns you had in this encounter.

 

I invite you to consider this: You know how you can react if you see him fucking another woman. Do you have any idea of how he will react if he sees you fucking someone other that him?? Or more than one person having sex with you? You do not. He probably does not. You will have to go step by step when you guys are ready to get into this, and you will both have to be crystal clear when you do. Remember, you have not only the obligation to respect each other, you have the obligation to respect the people you will play with. You cannot have big dramas happening in the middle of playtime, its not fair to your playmates.

 

If you swing or not, hope this unfortunate event has actually opened new growth paths for both of you! GO SLOW!

Take care!

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.....How much we have kept to ourselves and kept from each other.

You know, you both are trying to do something that vanilla people cannot even understand... that is not simple for people that are together 247!.. and you are wanting to swing to.. that makes things even less simple. Is there any way you two can spend more time together?

 

Quote
...I am one who always looks for the silver lining in everything. For me I choose to believe this experience will bring us closer and more in tune to each other mentally and spiritually.

That's the spirit! There really is a silver lining in everything! Just be careful not to let the search for that silver lining obscure the reality of the "lesson" .. or you may miss the best part of that silver lining! Does that make sense? There is no failure...there is only feedback.

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Sunswept said:
Is there any way you two can spend more time together?

His tour in Washington ends in May 2006. I live on the East coast so it is not easy to just jet back and forth. The next time we see each other will be in November...Thanks for your words SunSwept they have meant a lot to me.

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