What sort of relationship do you look for when you swing?

In responding today to a post today by bear_n_bunny regarding open marriages vs. swinging, I referred to a related topic that Mrs. LC and I have long wondered about--how most swingers feel about getting to know their playmates vs. just hooking up for sex.

Mrs. LC and I fall somewhere in the middle. We're generally turned off by the prospect of what Erica Jong would have called a "zipless fuck"--nameless, entirely impersonal, etc.--and we avoid situations in that direction. Yet, we have no desire to build a relationship beforehand, either. The prospect of "dating" before playing in hopes that everyone gels on a personal level is something we don't want to deal with. Nor do we particularly want to be friends afterwards. We prefer to keep friends and playmates separate.

For us, if we meet, have dinner and/or drinks, and find basic chemistry exists, then that's all we need--or want, really.

So, we're curious where everyone else stands. Is it necessary for you to be "friends" before you play? Are you on the other end of the spectrum, preferring to play and then say goodbye? Or are you somewhere in the middle? We've seen folks express opinions all over the spectrum, and we're curious about the norm.

Our opinion on this has evolved as we have gained more experience. LC, I think we're about where you are on the question of friendships. We've found that we like the idea of going to the club, meeting someone we hit it off with and having sex. If more of a friendship develops from there, that's fine, but it's not necessary. As you say, 'dating' first seems like an unnecessary complication.

We prefer not to establish a friendship, long term speaking. Though we will under the right circumstances but we proceed slowly in inviting someone into our vanilla world. Things can go from fun to drama quick.

There has to be some connection though. We don't just meet & fuck with out regard to any sort of attraction or chemistry.

We prefer to establish a friendship of somesort but not something that is drawn out to the nth degree. If we meet someone and we like them then we will let things proceed. We have come to realize that a majority of people are in this for the sex and thats all. Fine, we're adults and can handle it just don't kiss and tell. We've maintained a vanilla relationship with a couple we stopped playing with two years ago. And we've been a few notches in the bed post for some. We have to say the part we dislike is the is those who prove the world is really flat and drop off the face of the earth. Hope they have a nice fall.

Having done a bit of pondering myself on the subject of friends first, I have to wonder about semantics. Just as there are many different types of love and hate, there are many types of friends. In mine and Bear's case, we have to enjoy their company, at least long enough to get to the naked part. It helps if there is some wit and intelligence. It's also great to have stuff to talk about in between the naked part. Plus, we liked them to be people we want to spend time with again.

For me, it is about on par with people who I go to lunch with at work. Have switch jobs twice in the last year, I can tell you just how fleeting those friendships tend to be. While we do have friendships now from swinging, where we have gone on weekend outings, that has never really been the goal. So, when the term "friends first is used" what sort of friends are we talking about? The kind to split a pizza with, or the kind to name god parents to kids?

-- Bunny

Your poll didn't have the answer that really applys to us. We prefer to meet for sex, if it goes on to become friendship that is fine with us. We have met a number of peolpe for sex since getting into the lifestyle, of those only one couple has gone on to become friends that we also have sex with.

We voted for "prefer not to establish a friendship, but not out of the question". We have established some "club" friends, but keep all contact to on line, or visits to the club. We prefer to keep our home life seperated from our play life. We'd have to say that one night stands outnumber repeat playmates, although we've found ourselves getting together with certain people at the club we attend more often lately. We definitely aren't opposed to one time meetings. It is important that there is a connection, and an ability to carry on a conversation, but for us, there is no need to establish a friendship, or to maintain contact.

Right now, with very little experience to back it up... I would say "prefer not to establish a friendship, but not out of the question." If it's working, and everyone wants to see each other again (and again), then chances are bonds of a certain degree will develop. Ask me again in a year, though, because I reserve the right to change my mind!

Hare rarely jumped into bed with anyone without getting to know them first. Nothing long, drawn out like a series of "dates" before we play, but more than a five minute what do you like, let's fk.

Hi guys . . .

My approach is to take each situation as it comes. Some are very specific about how they want to "work up to it" and if it seems that there are too many hoops (i.e. dates & get comfortable get-togethers) then I'll politely decline. I've made what I thought were friendships with playmates then the drama began and I've also met folks who I maintain an enjoyable level of contact with.

As with all things . . . it comes down to the individual. For me it's OK either way.

Just be who you are and be kind to each other.

We always take the approach friends first everything else second. We like to feel comfortable with the people we are with and we also feel the better you know someone, the better the trust. The trust leads to more interesting scenarios which make it even more fun.

Our preference over all is to make friends to play with. We have, however, had sex with a couple as a part of getting to know them. It seems to have worked pretty well, both in the times we continued to play with the couple for long periods of time and those we didn't.

Alura

When we first started swinging we would read ads that said "friends first" and we would say to each other "friends first?, hell no, we just want to have sex with them!" But the further we have gotten into this we have found that, for us, there has to be some level of "friendship" (as shallow as it may be) for the bedroom time to be really exciting.

We have done it both ways: met someone at the club and a little bit later went upstairs and played, were disappointed that the time was not great. As a matter of fact it sucked compared to the times when we have spent a little time getting to know each other. I don't mean we talk about work, kids, family and what kind of cars we drive. We might talk about those things, but we don't have too. Mostly we talk about how we got involved with the lifestyle, what kind of things we are into, what makes us especially turned on, experiences we've had, etc. There is definitely a difference between vanilla friends that are part of your everyday life and swinger friends that know about the part of your life that none of your vanilla friends know about. Even though swinger friends rarely know more about me than the swinging stuff I feel like they know me better because they know my secret! Does that make sense?

We are starting to think we would like to find a few couples that we could be both kinds of friends with. I think if you find couples that are mature and happy in their marriage you wouldn't have the "drama" that I hear some of you talk about.

-M

We look at this lifestyle, whatever happens happens. If we make some friends along the way, it's icing on the cake. We have meet some really good friends in this lifestyle. Then again we have meet people who just fell off the face of the earth.

We don't have to be friends to play with a couple, but it seems to work out that way more often than not. And when it genuinely works out, it's icing on the cake.

=)

Whatever Happens, Happens

LM

P.S. I would never "hit and run"...I'd always wait for the ambulance to arrive and file my report with the police.

We look for new friends first, friends with benefits second (OK, a close second). As a couple, we seek couples that have different life experiences than ours and are willing to share. It's the variety we want, as in "variety is the spice of life." Pass the spice, please.

We like bouncing from house party to house party, making friends along the way, and than deciding on who we are interested in having sex with. Takes a few trips to the club before we have sex with anyone. Makes for good times and we don't get board with seeing the same people every other week. While we are traveling it's what ever happens, happens. Until we settle down at our favorite spot.

We'd rather be friends with them before having sex with them, but it's not really a requirement if the mood is right.

It's just sex

I second the socolais' post. It's supposed to be fun.

It's just sex.

We love grudge sex, so we would really prefer to hate you first.

We love grudge sex, so we would really prefer to hate you first.

And you win the thread!

We love grudge sex, so we would really prefer to hate you first.

That was a whole plate full of Win!

When we started talking about we found that we were concerned about safety and health issues. As a result it took some time to make the move but when we did it was to talk to people we were friends with.

Now, we prefer to know the person or couple for a little while.

We have done the hit and run and it was not as satifying.

I think you have to be honest to your bodily desires. If your "thrutch" says its ok, then go with it. If not, sack it as a bad meet.

No one said that just because you meet you have to be best mates.

At first we found it fun and exciting to "play around" without the friendship first, but honestly, some of our best times have been with people we consider true friends.

We would rather not be friends, but it is possible. We have already dealt with a m from one of the mfm sessions, who started getting real feelings for B. Obviously we had to cut him off from more. I think we could be friends with another couple, the right couple...

Unless the plan is to get together with someone numerous times before even thinking about playing, we're not sure what you mean by friends first. Friendship takes time. The deeper the friendship, the more time it takes. There may be such thing as "good friends at first sight" (same kind of thing as love at first sight) but a deep and lasting "at first sight" friendship has to be nearly as rare as love at first sight. (If you don't really know a person, how can you truly love them?)

Play first, let the friendship grow over time.

In responding today to a post today by bear_n_bunny regarding open marriages vs. swinging, I referred to a related topic that Mrs. LC and I have long wondered about--how most swingers feel about getting to know their playmates vs. just hooking up for sex.

 

Mrs. LC and I fall somewhere in the middle. We're generally turned off by the prospect of what Erica Jong would have called a "zipless fuck"--nameless, entirely impersonal, etc.--and we avoid situations in that direction. Yet, we have no desire to build a relationship beforehand, either. The prospect of "dating" before playing in hopes that everyone gels on a personal level is something we don't want to deal with. Nor do we particularly want to be friends afterwards. We prefer to keep friends and playmates separate.

 

For us, if we meet, have dinner and/or drinks, and find basic chemistry exists, then that's all we need--or want, really.

 

So, we're curious where everyone else stands. Is it necessary for you to be "friends" before you play? Are you on the other end of the spectrum, preferring to play and then say goodbye? Or are you somewhere in the middle? We've seen folks express opinions all over the spectrum, and we're curious about the norm.

 

I'm a bit nervous about doing this, since after a year and a half I've yet to post my own poll but have watched the complications of not getting one just right. Hope it works!

For us, we'd rather move things along quickly, heh. Too quickly to become friends with anyone. On the other hand, however, we definitely have to all get along on a personal level before anything happens. So I guess for us, it's necessary that the other couple have the potential to become friends--whether or not it actually ends up with friendship is the "if it happens, it happens" part.

We responded "whatever happens, happens."

We prefer not to think of it as hit and run. We're in it for sex and the heat we get with each other as a result. For us, sex is the hottest foreplay. Some of our playmates have become friends, some friendly acquaintances. Those are great, but we don't hold up the sex hoping a friendship will blossom first.

For the most part we find people get a lot friendlier after they've had sex .

This is quite an interesting subject. My hubby and I had an experience with a girl and it wasn't based on a friendship or even became one. She was looking for a good time as well as we were.

I have a hard time thinking about involving a current friend that we already know, and in turn, if the circumstances were right and a "mild" friendship formed from the situation I do not think I would mind. I guess the truth is I am concerned about someone becoming overly attached. I was talking to a girl once who sounded like she wanted to move in, and it kind of set me back.

So, chemistry is the key. If she wants what we want---it's all good.

For the most part we find people get a lot friendlier after they've had sex .

Of course... that depends on how the sex went.

Imsherona and I ride with a group of swingers and although we haven't played with any yet (other than being generally touchy-feely), we like the friendships on the road. We may / may not play with anyone in the group but we value the friendships we've made and feel that it might go further.

Now, if we can just find the same type of open-minded riders in Oregon when we move up there that would be great!

What happens when your swinger friends turn into "friends" without telling you? We kept wondering why we weren't seeing any action, and come to find out they just liked hanging out with us. We don't want to be rude, but we feel disappointed.

A friend is what we're ultimately looking for.

We just go with whatever happens.

We prefer a friendship, but we've done some play just because it was fun too.

We don't actively seek out play with anyone who plans on it being a one time thing, but sometimes that is how it happens, and we know it might, and we are fine with it.

Sex for me just doesn't work unless I feel some kind of connection with my partner. It doesn't have to be really emotional, but being a friend makes it much better.

We don't have to be "best buddies" with the other couple but we do have to feel comfortable with them.

Sex for me just doesn't work unless I feel some kind of connection with my partner. It doesn't have to be really emotional, but being a friend makes it much better.

Well said, that's us, too!

My answer is a little different from the choices. We like benefits first, then develop a friendship. We basically like people who are friendly, fun and sexy. We will play the first meet and if we all get along and click sexually, we definitely like to play again and again. So we like to establish a friendship, but not necessarily before playing. Sometimes it is a one time deal and that's ok too, but I really prefer to have regular playmates.

I think you can connect with someone after only knowing them a very short time. It makes for a very hot, fun time!

We want to establish a friendship first before we do anything, but the reason why we feel that way is when we first started swinging, we would meet couples, talk for a while, then later swap, and when we tried to get together with those couples again and they stopped talking with us, and we ended up feeling used. So we took a break and looked at it, and decided to get back into it again, only this time we were going to look for friends first and then go from there.

Mr. Cb here. Personally, as long as the women is sexy and willing I'm good, the problem with that is, it's just about me. Mrs. CB needs more then looks to get her juices flowing( no pun intended). Therefore, meeting with a couple over drinks and dinner, helps her get comfortable with our potential playmates. However, if we our out of town, say for vacation or a weekend get away and feel like getting naughty, she isn't oppose to skipping the dinner/drink for some sexy fun.

We prefer to establish a friendship of somesort but not something that is drawn out to the nth degree. If we meet someone and we like them then we will let things proceed.

That pretty much describes us. We don't need a long drawn out courtship, and we will and have played on the first date, but we do like to feel like we have a little connection with our playmates. That could be sitting and chatting for 30 minutes at a club before heading to the playroom, or maybe a couple of evenings meeting for dinner and drinks, it really just depends on the people involved and how well we connect with them and them with us.

We've never run into the sort of endless dating deals you read about. All of ours, either one side or the other were ready to flash the red or green light after no more than two meets.

Play first, although we do take into consideration when a couple wants a simple m&g on a first date. If there is a follow-up date, we go into it hoping they've decided that they'd like to get naked with us. We have learned to invoke our 20/20 rule (we know within 20 seconds to 20 minutes if we will ever want to get naked with a couple or single)so if we're a "yes" and they're still a "maybe" after a second date, we'll probably move on. Our hobby is recreational sex, not bar hopping or a foursome dinner date. We have vanilla friends for those things. We're always pleased if a friendship develops but we don't have a great deal of leisure time to invest and prefer to spend our swinger time with people who………….swing!!

Many times we had simple hookups at the swing club, that was fine. Occasionally, the people we met would turn into friends.

Other times, we set up foursomes through SLS. Usually, after the first date we didn't see them again (sometimes there wasn't sex, often it was a one-night stand,) but with three couples we built relationships that lasted for years.

So, for us, the correct answer was "We don't expect to be friends when we first swing, and we're not upset if we don't turn out to be friends, but we do hope for friendship."