Why does this KEEP happening to US???

My husband and I started swinging in 2003. We took a year off after running into some "not so nice" people in the swinglifestyle. Once we had put some distance and time between ourselves and these people, we became active again (3 months ago) We went back to the same group that originally intorduced us to the lifestyle and there had been some GREAT changes including kicking some people out who where not really friendly towards NEW swingers.

NOw that we have returned, we are feeling good about swinging again and have had two play dates with married couples. The second one went GREAT, and we look forward to playing with that couple again...if they call. The first one seemed to go fine only I (female side of theCherryss) was having my menses and could only be a FLUFFER as well as play with the wife of the other couple. This was known ahead of time and my husband and I was assured that it would be fine. This couple was new to swinging and wasn't sure how much they wanted to do anyway (that's what they told us before playtime began). After everything was finished the other couple went to their room (they rented two "unconnecting" rooms and theirs was next door to ours). We woke up the next morning and left the hotel. When we tried to instant message them, there was no response. We waited to hear from them and have not.

This sort of thing seems to happen alot. Even if we don't play with a couple, it seems that once we meet them, or they see our pics and we meet, after a couple of instant messages.....they just "fall off the grid" and never communicate with us again. What are we doing wrong???? We are nice looking and in pretty good shape. We don't do drugs or drink and we have GREAT stamina in the bedroom! We are puzzled and wondered if anyone could shed some light on this for us???

It's almost certainly nothing to do with you, but to do with the other couple. We've found this happens quite a lot when playing with newcomers to the sport, including several times lately. In a couple of the situations where we have had things go somewhat adrift, we suspect that other (new) couple hadn't really thought things through properly and they ended up having "issues" about what took place (even though we had assurances beforehand that everything was fine). The old green eyed monster as likely as not. We would suggest moving on and not worrying about it.

Red just smiled wryly on reading your post!

CB & Red

This sort of thing seems to happen alot. Even if we don't play with a couple, it seems that once we meet them, or they see our pics and we meet, after a couple of instant messages.....they just "fall off the grid" and never communicate with us again. What are we doing wrong???? We are nice looking and in pretty good shape. We don't do drugs or drink and we have GREAT stamina in the bedroom! We are puzzled and wondered if anyone could shed some light on this for us???

It isn't just you. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who are seriously inconsiderate toward others. Some of them are just rude about not answering initial emails, but others (perhaps the worst) are those who simply fall off the map. It happens and you cannot allow yourself to take it personal. They are not worth it and there is no sure way to weed them out beforehand, as you would the phonies.

This same thing happens to me (and probably every single man, past, present, and future) not just when I was swinging, but even more often when I'm dating. I'll meet a woman, we'll hit it off, go out a few times, "enjoy a great evening", then she disappears, only to resurface eight or nine months later saying, "I was thinking about you and how much fun we had the last time we were together. Want to do something this weekend?" If I ask what took her so long to get back to me, its always "well, I got busy, things happened, stress at work/school/family, thought I met someone else, etc". In short, its not you, its them.

Its probably just a case that they are either afraid to get too involved with another person or couple, or they just want the excitement of doing it with someone new. Once thats happened, you are not "new" anymore. Either way, nothing you do is going to change how they behave unless they want to change for you. They did what they wanted and left. I would suggest taking more time to tell them you don't expect to be a one night stand and that you would like some kind of communication afterwards.

Dito to what everyone else has said. Unless you have said something like "We like to make stuffed animals out of cat hair in our spare time", then it is most likely their issue and not yours. Some couples are just into the one night stand thing.

ES makes a great point. Voice your intentions prior to playtime and this will help with some of the dissapointments. Some couples will still act the same way, but at least they will know what your expectations are beforehand.

OMG! all of you are soooooo right! my husband and I sat hear reading all the responses and everything seems to add up. When we look back at all the past events, we realize that this couldn't possibly be OUR problem. We also have decided to just move on and if any of those people contact us in the future then maybe we can ask them what happened (or not)

We call it "dropping the ball" It has happened waaaaaay to many times, that we talk to someone online, or phone and then they just drop off the face of the earth. Who knows why? We just figure, if they're that rude, we don't want to be friends with them anyhow.

annie

I've had it happen a few times too...

once we drove about 5 hours to meet another couple, got a hotel room, the whole deal.

met them for dinner friday night, they had an "emergency phone call" about thier kids being injured...perfectly legitimate excuse..

we had a laptop set up in the hotel room, and tried IM'ing them, no answer. tried calling. no answer.

what a waste of a weekend! middle of nowhere, nothing else to do...

now we just go to clubs/house parties...and tell people to meet us there. if they don't show...so what? if someone gets pushy or rude or otherwise offensive, you tell the people in charge and let THEM take care of it. and it's a hell of a lot safer than letting people you don't really know into your home!

allen the doorman

It is a sad part of the lifestyle - and, in my opinion, the absolute suckiest part...

I know - grown men shouldn't use the word "suckiest" but it is all I had handy.

It almost always happens to us. We'll play with folks - and then they will just "drop the ball". Sometimes they'll disappear and others they will just be so damn scatter brained that making (and keeping) plans with them is more complicated than getting an audience with the pope.

It makes me

Spoomonkey

Sometimes people find a "BBD" bigger better deal. Or, somebody new and that takes up their time and interest as has been pointed out.

There's only so much time to go around.

Sometimes people find a "BBD" bigger better deal. Or, somebody new and that takes up their time and interest as has been pointed out.

 

There's only so much time to go around.

I must admit that we've been guilty of dropping off the face of the earth at times. We do respond to emails all the time but we can sometimes go for many days without checking the email or logging onto yahoo. This is due simply to the fact that there is only so much time to go around and our lives (as students) are very unpredictable.

I definitely wouldn't start ignoring someone though. That's just rude. If someone has started ignoring you it's really their problem (as has been stated previously) - you can't take responsibility for the poor manners of others.

By the way, Cherrys, it's nice to see you back on the board. I remember wondering what had happened to you.

OMG!...When we look back at all the past events, we realize that this couldn't possibly be OUR problem. We also have decided to just move on and if any of those people contact us in the future then maybe we can ask them what happened (or not)

This is what I was going to suggest and then you went and self-analyzed yourself. (Was it good for you?)

You had two experiences and one was clearly bad. After you have had the next five great meetings you'll look back on this time as a learning experience and wonder why you were concerned about yourselves. We have met alot of people who turned out to be just into themselves. We say, "C-Ya, grab some pine!" (it is baseball season!) Not for us!

I'm sure things will go better. Just when things seem darkest....

Male D

Thanks for the WB missPiggy! I'ts good to know that we were actually missed because when we decided to leave, I was so sure that no one would even notice. I even asked Julie to wipe us "off the grid" (delete all our posts, etc) She is a lady of very keen wisdom because I believe she made a statement to me about maybe returning to the board later...if I wanted to.

As for the response to our thread, we are just so thrilled to know that it's not OUR PROBLEM but more of a typical behavior in the lifestyle (albeit a very, very, BAD behavior).

Thank you guys for all the insight

::turns to hubby and says...these are the intelligent swingers of the world::

We can't make excuses for them, obviously, but, we're still figuring out the whole 'how do you back out without hurting anyone' phase. Could be, for whatever reason, they just took the easy road and disappeared. Yes, it is rude but, they could feel it's more polite than 'we're not interested....'. As wrong/rude as that may seem, they could feel that it is their best way out.

Could be that they are just rude people or post notchers too.

This sort of thing must happen to everyone once in a while. It is frustrating!

We had made arrangements, by email and phone, to meet a couple at a party in a hotel quite a distance away. We drove to the place, bought the hotel it seemed like, went to the rooms where the party was to be. Found two couples there waiting for, supposedly the other people to arrive. Chatted with the two for several minutes then saw that one of the other men was whispering to one of the women. Turns out they were making arrangements for the four of them to go on to, what they apparently thought was more excitement. No one else showed up. The four left, we were kinda left in a, strange to us area. We felt hurt and not a little bit foolish. We thought, well, we were sucked in, ripped off and then abandoned. Sorta like being mugged, I guess. It was an education, to say the least. Oh we never did see any of the four nor hear from them. We did continue on.

OMG!

I guess this sort of rude behavior is more a typical behavior than we otherwise thought.

As for the response that the couple we were with might have been trying to back out of telling us "thanks but no thanks" this would seem a bit late seeing how we had already had playtime with them and the female of the couple had a GREAT orgasm. The male part received head "like he has never gotten before" (as put by the wife). So they had a good time. They were just rude by not communicating after the fact.

But, as I mentioned in an earlier post, we are just gonna move on and not really give to much energy to this type of behavior any longer

Thanks for the responses

We have a couple that kinda drives us nuts...we get together and then they disapear...for whatever reason...Mr. Midnight says it is just rude...but then when we get back together it all just clicks back into place...one reason I am sure is we are new, they are new...we are both easing into this...the furtherest we have went is girl/girl play...she (might) have issues with her hubby and another woman..more I think then I do at this time...and so that helps keep issues at bay too...

A bunch of people play the 3 F's too...I think that is what happens to a bunch of them that appear to have pulled a Elvis.

Midnight Hour

I can't really say about other situations, but based on the one instance you gave, I would definately say it was them and the fact that they were NEW and probably not really ready. I think this is the reason why so many choose to avoid playing with newbie couples. I know, I know.. how are they supposed to get started if no one will play with them. The problem isn't that they are new, the problem is that too often they aren't ready and don't know that they aren't ready until it's too late. By that time it's affected the other couple they've attempted to involve in their playtime.