Married males - What's your swinging status?

I am just curious to know how many married males we have around these parts who aren't actively swinging yet but hoping to use what they learn here as a springboard to either figure out how to bring it up to their partner, or have brought it up and are still trying to figure out how to get their wives to go for the idea.

A year and more ago we would have needed a different choice:

"Married male - still discussing the idea of swinging with my wife."

I didn't try to persuade to go for it. Instead we just discussed the possibilities, the pros and cons, and eventually decided to give it a try. It was my initial idea but there was no coersion, no pressure. We joined the Board to read about the lifestyle and learn more. That was the best move we made and was probably crucial in making sure we avoided most newbie mistakes. Still wish I could persuade Red to use the computer and post here for herself more often, though I think that will have to remain one of my fantasies

CB

We're talking and going about trying to meet people now and then. I think it is a matter of meeting the right people. When everything finally clicks, I sure it will be a blast.

It seems like there are a lot of married males and females here that are looking for information and ideas on how to bring it up to their spouses.

The other 70% are cheating, but I doubt they answer the poll honestly, and I would expect nothing less.

In all seriousness, Mr. Indy and I were never in the position to bring it up and hope the other would agree. We both just always thought it was hot and went for it. I think it would be a huge challenge for a man to have this interest and have to bring it up to his wife!

In all seriousness, Mr. Indy and I were never in the position to bring it up and hope the other would agree. We both just always thought it was hot and went for it.

Same with us. If anything, I was more into the idea than my hubby... but we had both had the fantasy and were hoping to one day make it a reality. And what a GREAT reality it is!!!

or have brought it up and are still trying to figure out how to get their wives to go for the idea.

Count me in this category. I have discussed the issue with my wife and she and I have read this board together occasionally. She definately knows I am interested in swinging, especially MFM threesomes, but she has not committed to the reality of trying it yet. I have followed the advice of so many persons on this board to not push her into it. Since she knows I'm interested, and we even playfully joke about it, I know the seed is planted and figure if the situation ever arises where she might want to actually pursue it, she will tell me.

In all seriousness, Mr. Indy and I were never in the position to bring it up and hope the other would agree. We both just always thought it was hot and went for it.

We was much like Northindycpl never had to bring it up and hope the other would agree.We was watching a adult movie one night that had a swinging situation in it and we both thought that seemed like fun and well here we are

We've been at it from the beginning of us pretty much. It hasn't been real smooooooth for the entire 6 or so years, but it's definitely a part of "US". We wouldn't have it any other way.

I was one of those males until recently. She always went along with me to the swing clubs but for the longest time she was hesitant to cross the line. I picked up a lot of good advice from here and now we are on the other side. It pays to be patient. And it pays more when you are honest because now we are closer than ever and are having the best sex of our lives.

Let's see, I'm one of those that did the FFM and FFFM but never actually with a couple...or swapped...but I'm here to learn more and give what advice I can...don't know that we will become involved again but the company and friends you can make is awesome.

Never been married and swinging at the same time; currently single with a regular female partner and a bi/lesbian F playmate, but married males have been welcome with us from the start as long as they have wife's permission to swing separately. Guess that's not exactly on point, is it!

I have to tell you my wife came up with the idea. Without me saying a word.

I’ve seen my wife make out with a friend's girlfriend in public, but she was pretty drunk. And I think she has a secret past, which perhaps didn’t go so well. She's not a normally jealous person, but something sometime screwed with her ability to trust. When we have talked about swinging she doesn’t say 'NO', but says she's sure she'd be jealous. So...a little lopsided if it only means bringing guys in. (Interesting a few times, but then what)

Also, I've always had a belief about jealousy. People are jealous because they know what they would be thinking in the other persons shoes, and don’t care what you are really thinking. Put simply, if she thinks my mind would be racing with thoughts of leaving her while with another, perhaps that’s what she thinks would be in her mind while with another guy. And Im not cool with that. So until its clear she would not be jeoloous of me, its a no go. Anyone on 'confidence building' measures?

All in all, I think this relationship is not ready and may never be.

Hi all! I discovered today the guy we were to meet with on Saturday is married and she doesn't know of his playing. I'm not going into the whole 'cheating' is wrong thing here. Here is my problem with it:

I can say I'm std free to the best of my knowledge but I've been playing and do not have physical tests to be sure between partners.There is a small but real risk of any number of std's that could be carried without symptoms. He could get something from me and take it home. It is not ok for him to risk her health.

My hubby and I both know what we are risking. We choose to take those risks. Those who aren't able to agree to those risks should not be exposed to them without their knowledge.

Tribbles, I can understand your feelings here. However

1) I wouldn't assume he's necessarily still having sex with his wife-there are a lot of sexless marriages out there

2) Consider what _you_ do. Personally, I don't think it is excessive to request test results from all your partners--even if you use condoms. Folks can lie in all kinds of ways.

I have never personally cheated BTW.

I tend to think that current laws/customs create a lot of hypocrisy though.

I'm married, have swung with my wife, and suffered a rather unpleasant backlash from it, and am no longer swinging.

As Julie pointed out the first day I posted here, I am cheating by reading this board. I'm living vicariously through others, or am I? I still have a desire to play with other people, but I have a stronger desire to repair my relationship with my wife.

I went through a rather tough time trying to reconcile these conflicting desires. I've come to terms with it based on the fact that I think it is ok to read these boards, and think about both the good and bad aspects of swinging, while not engaging in it. I have told my wife about my reading and posting, and she says she is ok with that, although I did pick up some level of discomfort.

A few weeks ago, I was away from home. I stayed with a couple who were definitely interested in playing. I discussed group sex with them, and their own issues in the past, and how they were coping. I discussed our past, and where I was at. That I appreciated the good/bad aspects of swinging, but that at this time, it was not ok for me to play. I have never cheated on my wife, I would rather leave her than betray her, and I don't want to leave her.

Our relationship is still suffering, however. Sex is a problem. It is really hard for me, to think that we used to have such great communication, and now we have trouble relaxing and when we do have troubles, it is really hard to talk about it, as hurt feelings and insecurities well up.

I'm sorry if this post is depressing. It is a depressing situation. Why do I continue to read here? Because O am fascinated by human sexuality, and swinging is very interesting in how it brings out all sorts of issues relating to our sexuality. I really believe that a strong swinging relationship is healthy as it makes a couple come to terms with trust and security in their relationship. I envy those that have found this.

All said and done, I'm open-minded about our future. I don't think swinging is the only way forward. I don't subconsciously resent my wife for stopping. I feel bad for the hurt. I'm ok with living a happy boring life... but it is very hard (for both of us) to go from a supercharged sex life to one of guilt and bad feelings. We are trying, perhaps too hard, perhaps too much pressure, to make things better. It is a painful process, but I hope that it will make us stronger in the future.

I hope you swinging couples don't mind my hanging out here. I feel it is more representative to have people contribute who have had bad experiences as much as those who have 'rose tinted lenses'.... I wish for the rest of you that you avoid the rocks.

I would be curious to know how many married females are cheating on their husbands? If there is not as many females as men cheating, then maybe we need to look deeper then 19th, 20th, and 21st century values and morales. Maybe it's more prehistoric and darwinian, possibly a male genetic thing. What puts us above most animals, or makes us better (supposedly). Is it a conscience, or compaasion, or the ability to make intelligent choices (hopefully)? Is our so called animal instinctiveness something many males have a hard time controlling? Maybe all the people who have partners that agree to the lifestyle are super lucky people. What if they had partners who didn't agree with the lifestyle, would they sneak around and try to fulfill whatever inner needs/desires they feel they need to have fufilled? Some will and of course some won't. It's their personal decision and one they will have to live with. Hopefully that decision won't hurt someone else they love.

My wife has always led a suppressed sex life; felt that sex was ok, but it was always up to me to initiate it. She never says she is interested, but has the most intense orgasms you could imagine. It is almost like she hands out sex to me as if it were a reward for acting the way she likes me to.

Maybe I'm wrong to feel this way but I think sex is all about fun and pleasure and love is all about relationships and caring for each other...each is not mutually exclusive of the other but a loving relationship can be quite sexless. I have a male friend whom I love deeply and would do anything for him...except sex...never never never. On the other hand, I have sex with my wife because it is fun and also because I love her and want her to be happy. But if she told me we would never have sex again I would still love her and care for her and provide her with all the love I have in my heart.

All that to say, how do I get it across to her that swinging is for fun/pleasure and our relationship doesn't depend on it or sex of any kind?

I know 2 married men on here who have been cheating.

I know that the one time we played with a known married male my wife felt terrible afterwards, so since then it has always been single only and I must say she can smell married online.

We are both open to the idea of it - however actually putting it into practice is a little tricky. There are a lot of reality based speed bumbs (STD's, compatability, discretion, etc.) that are getting in the way.

-Air

I have a friend who's married. The person she's cheating with is married also. They been at it for five years. He wants her to remain faithful while he goes out and cheats with another woman. "shaken head"... solve that.

i hope you swinging couples don't mind my hanging out here. i feel it is more representative to have people contribute who have had bad experiences as much as those who have 'rose tinted lenses'.... i wish for the rest of you that you avoid the rocks.

I for one do not mind... nor do I consider you a "cheater" ... you do not lie to yourself to justify behavior and you put your wife and marriage first... that is very honorable... reading and participating in this board is not .. Infidelity.. Pretending you are a single man and using this board to try and hook up with couples without telling them you are married...IS CHEATING. You are not doing that.

Having said that... I really thought about this question and went back through my journals and realized Mr. Body did do some things to help me become comfortable with this...

He really introduced me to porn... other than playboy (when I was 14 ,reading those , late at night after the kids I baby sat were long in bed, is were I got my idea of female sensuality and how I was to look). He sent me the link to the huns yellow pages and I started surfing.

He would send me little links in e-mail of really hot pics, now and then, as foreplay. At first just beautiful erotica of women and then couple pics ...very sensual and very artsy... ones were the woman was the star and obviously enjoying herself. They would always say… she reminds me of you… or this girl has the sensuality of you.

Then I found some pics of mfm threesomes, and one clip with Monique St Jacques that really got me going. So he started sending me mfm clips and then ffm threesomes... etc...as my appetite and interest grew... and it always ended with us having really hot sex as a couple- with no mention of adding anyone or swinging.

Then when I mentioned it one night he did research and found this board and being the egg head that I am... research appeals to me. So we spent a year reading (and having great sex with each other) and I learned it was not what I thought it was. I was able to see the community for what it is. ( Invite them to read this board...archived posts as well... the ones were we riled against cheaters... interviews ....select ones that pertain to whatever her/ his fears and intersts are)

I was able to learn from others what to watch out for and see that most of the couples here valued honesty, communication and their marriages MORE than anywhere else I had ever been.

IT TOOK 2 YEARS... before we decided to give it a try and that was me with another woman... then a while longer and we tried soft swap.

My Point?

HE GAVE ME THE TIME I NEEDED... that really let me know it was not about him getting what he wanted... I didn't feel used or rushed...

All good things ...

So if I have any advice for those who would like to try this and haven't a clue how to bring it up... it would be to

BE PATIENT

Entice your mate- don't rush them... and be prepared to perhaps only live this out as a fantasy. You have to accept the fact that not everyone can handle this. Oddly only those with really strong unions were communication rules and the two of you are REALLY SECURE in the belief that you are loved and cherished above all else...survive or thrive. It seems Counterintuitive (to what I had assumed) but it is valid.

If you push too hard... she/he will feel railroaded and it may likely have the opposite effect of that you had desired.

I hope that helps… it is as honest of an answer as I can give… best wishes

Ms Bodyscape

I would be curious to know how many married females are cheating on their husbands? .

I hate to burst your bubble...but according to a recent 20/20 report on this subject... 50% of all marriages now end in divorce and the main reason is infidelity, and women are about even in that respect with the men.

The sexual revolution has turned the "nice little woman" into the equal of the "traditional male" in almost every aspect.

not all of them... honorable.

~Cat

 

The other 70% are cheating, but I doubt they answer the poll honestly, and I would expect nothing less.

 

I'll raise my hand as being one of those married men at issue in this topic.

Having learned (the hard way) about when to disclose this information, its something I am very up front about from the beginning.

Its a hot issue around here, for sure.

Regards -

P.

I'll raise my hand as being one of those married men at issue in this topic. Its a hot issue around here, for sure.

The swinging world is similar, only here, "who swings with who" is freely spoken of, while "who cheats with who" is rarely mentioned. The subject is so taboo, that men and women in the lifestyle who are having affairs, for example, are much more likely to tell a select few of their vanilla friends, than they are to tell anybody who could compromise them to the swinging world.

Taken as a group, swingers marriages fare about the same or maybe a little better than everyone else's...they've just "transposed" what they consider mortal sins to a relationship.

Same here! I was into swinging with my GF before. Now My wife (not the same person) knew I am interested, she reads the board. But It takes time.

I used to be bothered if a married man hit on me and his wife did not know. I am less and less concerned with that anymore. If fact, married men, on a few levels, are downright easier to deal with. (ending a sentence with a preposition.)

Married men tend to be less clingy. They tend to understand the rules more. They tend to more discreet and certainly more "clean." Note the word "tend". Single guys want way too much. I have an excellent, loving relationship with my husband M. I do not crave another!

Married men tend to get out less. That is the biggest problem.

Do not think me a bad women or us a bad couple. And you married guys, that is not carte blanc to contact us. All I am saying is that if he wants to cheat, that home is broken long before we have our encounter. I would never overtly HIT on a married man first. I have the respect for a married couple and for marriage.

We do not play that often so its not like we do this all the time. My current "friend" is married, swings, but his wife does not like us. I really dont care if she knows or not. But if another married guy happened by, and we clicked, we would at least check it out.

Does that make me bad? Sorry if it does. Hey, I can change me mind later right? :)

N (& M)

I am just curious to know how many married males we have around these parts who aren't actively swinging yet but hoping to use what they learn here as a springboard to either figure out how to bring it up to their partner, or have brought it up and are still trying to figure out how to get their wives to go for the idea.

I can't say, I'm the one that brought it up lol.

How we did it was we took it veeery slowly, at a rate that Jay was comfortable with. You can only move as slow as the slowest partner, you can't drag them into it. He read a book on the lifestyle, and we met people in the lifestyle. Once he saw that swingers are really "normal" (whatever "normal" is, lol) people who have children, careers and lives (and boats. Jay loves fishing, so people with boats always get his attention lol....I swear, he looks at the boat before looking at the woman! jk) he became more comfortable. We have now played a little with a few couples, and are ready for our first full swing experience. I think patience is the absolute key in this.

I can't say, I'm the one that brought it up lol.

 

How we did it was we took it veeery slowly, at a rate that Jay was comfortable with. You can only move as slow as the slowest partner, you can't drag them into it. He read a book on the lifestyle, and we met people in the lifestyle. Once he saw that swingers are really "normal" (whatever "normal" is, lol) people who have children, careers and lives (and boats. Jay loves fishing, so people with boats always get his attention lol....I swear, he looks at the boat before looking at the woman! jk) he became more comfortable. We have now played a little with a few couples, and are ready for our first full swing experience. I think patience is the absolute key in this.

Sounds like a good thing but a slow and steady pressure is still pressure. Did he buy the book or you? What I mean is after talking did he go looking for couples or buy the books? Or was it your books that you were reading and accidentally left them laying around. I have seen a lot times were you see the man out hunting for sex then trying to convince the wife lets just try it. Well looks like the tables are turned in your favor. If you gave him the choice tomorrow and said lets stop swinging do you think he would argue or say some thing like what ever you want to do.

Sounds like a good thing but a slow and steady pressure is still pressure. Did he buy the book or you? What I mean is after talking did he go looking for couples or buy the books? Or was it your books that you were reading and accidentally left them laying around. I have seen a lot times were you see the man out hunting for sex then trying to convince the wife lets just try it. Well looks like the tables are turned in your favor. If you gave him the choice tomorrow and said lets stop swinging do you think he would argue or say some thing like what ever you want to do.

Absolutely yes. We have discussed this many times. The reason why we have not played still after being in the lifestyle for 4 months now is because we are taking everything one step at a time and are not rushing into anything. Before we think about playing with another couple we have to be comfortable with them...in playing I mean full swap. We have "played" before, but have never fully swapped. But yes, Jay is very aware of this. Had we just been in it to screw we would have swapped with a couple in June.

MrsVan brought the idea up to me while we were dicussing fantasies. She said she had a fantasy of being with two guys at the same time.

It took me less than a day to run with it. I was on here and I was looking at SLS and talking with her what she thought she wanted. At the very beginning, we were actually opposite of probably most couples. We were looking for single guys only, no couple or single females. At that stage MrsVan was not willing/ready or comfortable with me being with other ladies. Yes that was very hypocritical, but it was what we had agreed to and more importantly, I was fine with it. Then after both of us reading the board and talking with people that we met, we decided we really did want to be full swap and everything in between. Well the rest has just been plain fun.

-Van

First of all it depends on the married male and at what stage he is in the realation ship with his wife. If they have sex pattern that they both enjoy he will not stray far. Males as a norm are always looking I know I am. Its ironic the grass alwasy looks better on the other side. I think a married male would be more descreet and know more about what to do. It's just an opinion.

I didn't read all the comments in this thread.

There wasn't an option that described exactly how I feel. Yes I'm the married male that is bringing the swinging option up in our discussion and I have no intention of any "persuasion tactics". I'm still exploring the various flavors of swinging to try to find my own internal comfort zone. After I think I understand myself, She and I will discuss more and come to a mutual decision - perhaps to explore the common denominator in more detail through experimenting.

Julie, I fit the original description to a T. We are in our 50's married 25 years and a year or so ago the Mrs stated that she wasn't interested in sex anymore. I hit the internet hard and got some valuable information from this site. I did some soul searching and figured that if I wasn't satisfying her then she could have sex with another and that it would be OK with me and I told her so. Since that time we have visited a clothing optional resort and I have learned that I could very well seperate sex from love and that a MFM threesome would be highly erotic. We have't swung yet but I believe that if it does happen it will be on her timetable and not mine.

I went with "Married but trying to get her to go for it," although we're going to a Meet-n-Greet tomorrow night (some confusion on the scheduling of our last planned attempt)

Likely we will take a long time to get to even soft-swap...

Never say never, Warren (yes, I know that's not your name.) Lin was so scared during her first trip to a swing club, she basically tucked into the fetal position while sitting upright, and would have whimpered if she hadn't thought it would have brought her that much more attention. A scant 6 years later she's ready to not only dance on the pole, she'll give the janitors a few tips on how to keep it polished.

My point is, you've planted the seed. You can't make it grow any faster than it wants to grow. Oh, you can check back here and there, but no matter how loudly or how often you say, "GROW FASTER!" It's gonna grow the way it wants to. Don't push - let her mull it over for a while. And if it takes 5 years, it takes 5 years....

That's the one thing I keep bringing up to her. Yes, I've got fantasies, all the way up to full swap, but we're going to go at *her* pace, regardless how slow it is.

If I feel I'm pushing, I apologize, and she reminds me if I start to push, she'll tell me. Of course, I think my threshold for "am I pushing" is lower than hers, so I end up apologizing more than I need too...

Even she's not saying "never," just "not yet."

Yeah, we were / are a little paranoid about using our names here... She pointed out I had used mine in my first post, actually...

Mr.

I brought the topic with my wife, but i don't she was to receptive to the idea.

Well I am a married male who is still trying to figure out how to get into this.I have bought this up to my wife and has mentioned to her how I would love for us to try it together,but she says that this is something that she is not interested in doing,but if I wants to I could go ahead,But if I do.I need to promise her that I would use precausions so that I won't bring anything back to her.

Guys,

You have to do it as a couple, her on your arm. Have fun as a couple, whether anything else happens at all. Or nothing.

S

I have been talking about trying to meet people now and then. I think it is a matter of meeting the right people. "Where ever they may be?" When everything finally clicks, I sure it will be the best ever.

My wife and I swing together

MrLikeMinds

Well, we have done it (full swap) once, and a FMF 3some together and she did a FMF 3some on her own.

I would like to do more in the lifestyle but she doesn't want to.

I know that I can handle it and she can too, but I think she is fearful that it will wreck our relationship which has been strained until recently. Things have been great between us and we talk about about mostly everything. I say mostly because the subject of swinging just cannot be discussed.

She has become very judgmental and standoffish when it comes up. I want to talk to her about her fears and concerns and where her mind is and ease her mind a bit. I think that she thinks that I will want it all the time and not want her anymore, and that couldn't be further from the truth.

When I saw her with the other husband, it made me so horny for her. Her pussy was so wet and I just loved. I was right up under them (they were doggy) and I took a pic of them together while his wife watched.It was great. I still get hard thinking about it.

The thing I want to do is at least be able to discuss it. Her tone has a finality to it that just makes me feel like she is totally closed to the idea, even though everything we have done together, she has set up.

I'm frustrated because I feel we haven't had a real adult discussion and every attempt to has been met with hostility. I feel I can't talk to her and this is becoming a problem for me, not because I just want to be in the lifestyle and fuck a bunch of women. It's because we have never talked about that night and how much fun we had (other non-sexual activities included - no drugs or anything).

So that's where I am.

I'm frustrated because I feel we haven't had a real adult discussion and every attempt to has been met with hostility. I feel I can't talk to her and this is becoming a problem for me, not because I just want to be in the lifestyle and fuck a bunch of women. It's because we have never talked about that night and how much fun we had (other non-sexual activities included - no drugs or anything).

 

So that's where I am.

Chitown, sorry you are where you are. I know for my wife and I that even if we hit a rough patch in discussion we work through it. Sometimes it doesn't happen right at that moment, but it does happen.

I know patience isn't what you want to be told. But, your wife is obviously conflicted on the subject. It can take time for some people to work through their emotions and thoughts on a subject.

Chitown, sorry you are where you are. I know for my wife and I that even if we hit a rough patch in discussion we work through it. Sometimes it doesn't happen right at that moment, but it does happen.

 

I know patience isn't what you want to be told. But, your wife is obviously conflicted on the subject. It can take time for some people to work through their emotions and thoughts on a subject.

Yeah, I'm giving her time.

I just feel that since this event has happened, the least we can do is talk about it.

All she says is "Why?, We're not going to do it, so why talk about it?"

That in itself is frustrating because it's like she isn't interested in my point of view or even trying to understand me and what I have read, researched and learned. I have no selfish motives. I just know we both enjoy sex and have enjoyed sex with others together and are still as much in love with each other as we have always been.

I feel like I'm being robbed of the memory of it because I feel it's kind of selfish to relive it in my mind and not share it with her. I want to share the memory with her. Not every time we have sex, but every once in a while.

Just so we can remember the wild thing that we did.

I feel like I'm being robbed of the memory of it because I feel it's kind of selfish to relive it in my mind and not share it with her. I want to share the memory with her. Not every time we have sex, but every once in a while.

 

Just so we can remember the wild thing that we did.

In the grand scheme of things, it is not that big of a deal. It may take some time for the immediacy of the memory to fade, but it will as do all things. In the meantime, your wife can work things out in her mind. It might not work out the way you'd like, but she obviously does not want to talk about it.

My wife and I sometimes discuss "what if" type of scenarios, or situations that are quite different from what we might consider doing. On a number of occasions, I've told her "I'm not in any way suggesting we even consider doing this...just thinking out loud here". It helps us when we talk of things like that, at least for swinging purposes, because it can help clarify how we might feel about something we would do.

Your wife just isn't ready for that...and that's ok! It doesn't mean your relationship is dysfunctional or anything negative at all.

Oh, our relationship is fine.

I didn't mean to insinuate that it wasn't.

Mrs. H and I ONLY swing together. Our rules are simple and direct, first and foremost is " Not without me, not without my permission.."