Couples: Which one manages your online ads?

We have three online swinger ads and I manage the communication on all of them.

Mr LM does a search now and then, but he pretty much leaves the job to me. I enjoy it and have honed my search skills in the past nine months since beginning this new chapter in our lives.

I'm curious to know how it works for other couples. I've set up a poll that I hope will give everyone an easy way to vote.

Thus far I have found that the spouse who brought up the idea of swinging is the one who runs things. I have also found that with every couple we've been e-mailing, it's the husband who has been writing. This leads me to believe that more husbands introduce swinging into the marriage than do wives.

I introduced the idea of swinging into our marriage and I am handling the accounts and all initial communication with potential swingers.

Am I right in my assumption? Does the spouse who introduces swinging into the marriage handle the communication online? And is it usually the husband?

Please share your views and what you've discovered when you communicate--either through e-mail or IM--with couples you get to know through online ads.

I couldn't vote on the poll because Ted was the one that brought it up and I'm the one that manages all our on-line ads. We both will check for mail and when one comes in we let the other know about it. When it comes to responding I'm usually the one that does it, Ted has responded a few times, but not many. Of course, before any response we have discussed it with each other.

Teresa

Teresa -

I knew I missed something in my first poll!!

I first wrote out the questions and had eight before me...thought I could cut it back--I went too far.

So sorry.

There SHOULD be two more spots, but I don't think I can change that now. Maybe I should start a new thread and redirect.

In your case you would probably vote:

SHE does; swinging was HIS idea

Another choice for folks out there could also be:

HE does; swinging was HER idea

P.S. I hope others will be so good as Teresa and post your comments, I'll try to keep on track of posts and share the results even though the poll may be off.

I couldn't vote in the poll, because we can't remember who brought it up initially. However, I'm the one that does all of the communication in our ads.

It appears I should have kept all eight of my original questions on the poll.

Aimee -

Your's is another choice I was going to include but didn't, so here goes:

SHE does; can't remember whose idea it was

And for others out there who need No. 8:

HE DOES; can't remember whose idea it was

I don't think my face could be any redder right now.

Ah well, let's have some fun with this . . .

Anyone who can come up with two more legitimate voting choices I've failed to include wins a SEX ACT OF YOUR CHOICE.

I (the she half) brought it up but we both check emails and answer and do the online chatting. It makes it more fun that way. But we both read the emails before either of us answer it. Gotta make sure we both agree with the decision.

biblonde said:

I (the she half) brought it up but we both check emails and answer and do the online chatting. It makes it more fun that way. But we both read the emails before either of us answer it. Gotta make sure we both agree with the decision.

Thanks for posting biblonde.

I've learned what couples won't interest Mr LM so I don't even tell him about them. I send out a "no thank you" reply without consulting him.

If I think there is any chance he may be interested, I show him what has come in. We read the profile together and then I write back. We make our decisions together from there, but still, I'm the one who taps on the keys.

I never make the initial contact with a couple unless first discussing it with Mr LM.

likeminds321 I do that too...if i know there is no way or if i am not interested we will both (but mostly me since i am online more than him) say no thanks. but if i feel that maybe we want to say yes then we both read it and go over it. I will do most to the typing to respond but sometimes i make him..lol

I guess we fall into the "she manages; it was her idea" but with qualifiers.

I am only laying claim to the idea since I was in the lifestyle with my ex-husband. I didn't, however, anticipate or think I wanted to return to it. It was a long, slow, decision that we came to agreement on together after a great deal of discussion.

I manage, and have written, the profiles we have on the various sites we belong to. We do decide our responses together, and I write them. The exceptions are those that are obvious mismatches and don't require any discussion.

There are a few sites that we don't view as true potentials for finding others - but are more "play" sites, for chatting and exchanging photos - - that sort of thing. And for the most part, that is his playground. He does share anything that is of any real interest to him, but mostly it's just a pleasant, visual diversion.

Mr Spoo brought up swinging and he manages the ads/IM's. We are both on line in the same room usually and read and discuss emails together. I handle the emails once initial contact is made with a couple (me being our social scheduler it's easier that way) Most of the IM'ing is usually single guys so he handles that and just tells me how the conversations are going.

It's nice because we both know what is going on but split the work up

Though it was my ideas (Mrs. Amaxoxo) I do tend to tell him about the ads that I see that are interesting, if I write to a cpl I tell him what I write and we discuss it more from there. I tend to be the one who does all the writing and communications and I guess I chalked that up as being able to openly communicate my feelings with others and give it that fem. touch that it needs?! Dunno, but it works for us right now. :-)

We both got the idea of swinging,and we usually handle communication together.........works best for us that way..D&S

Well I guess it was my idea though it didn't take any convincing at all and I manage it all. I'll bounce it off him and run it past him but otherwise I do all the writing and chatting. He spends a lot of time on the computer at work and would rather avoid it when he gets home.

We couldn't respond appropriately to this poll either. We were both already part of this lifestyle when we met. We had been in prior relationships, had each separated and were singles, who actually met via a swing site.

Additionally we equally handle communicating with others. We always either chat simultaneously or review and discuss all messages, chats, etc. I can't say that either of us is more active than the other in this regard.

It seems we're not really the norm in terms of how most couples handle these things. But then what is the norm in swinging anyway?

Chika said:

. . . It seems we're not really the norm in terms of how most couples handle these things. But then what is the norm in swinging anyway?

Good point Chika.

I'm learning there is no "norm" in the word of swinging.

So nice, isn't it?

Thanks for responding to this thread.

HE does; swinging was HER idea

This would most closely resemble us, But we actually came up with the idea mutually although she started the conversation that led to where we are now.

Well we fall into the both wanted to swing, both check the mail. But I (dan) is the official emailer. I get little yellow post-its that say I like them, they emailed... You need to email them back. I feel more like an administrative asst then a husband. A lot of times I know what she will like so I email them because she makes me.

I must say that I am surprised at the diversity I'm finding in this poll.

And I'm especially surprised that my assumption about husbands typically doing most of the correspondence looks far from true.

I have noticed that at the start of e-mail communication, couples write in a way that does not reveal who of the two is tapping on the keyboard.

I do the same thing. I want to speak in an "we" mode and always sign both our names, taking turns to flip whose name is first from e-mail to e-mail.

Once we feel set on meeting the people, I let it be known when I am writing and by this time Mr LM has usually sent a few e-mails on his own as well so they know our writing styles.

When we first started we both posted the ads together. Now I pretty much manage the ads and the communication. At least initially. So I weed-out the nonsense ones (like single guys wondering what time my wife can meet them). If we get one that is interesting then I my wife and I sit down and write the response together.

We don't really contact anybody through sites anymore though. If we get contacted then we respond. But we have some people we've found that are good for us, and right now their all we have time for.

We both talked about swinging as pillow talk years ago. And we both came to the same idea to try it at the same time. So it really wasn't an idea that one had and had to talk the other into it.

Hubby brought up the idea, but I manage our ads and the correspondence. We always look at profiles and email we've received together, before we reply to anyone. He will write an email occasionally, and always will join in when it's time to chat.

hmmm okey we guess we're very late with our reply... (but hey, this is the first time we see this poll )

We're kind of suprised about the fact that the men mostly manage the contacts, and swinging was mostly their idea...

What does that mean...?? :rollseyes -yes we're a bit bewildered by this (especially she is ) lol

We've heard a lot about the fact that it's usually men who post ads.. we've even heard stories about men posting adds without wifey knowing about it.. ....

Actually we're mingling in things we shouldn't; because we dont place adds.. we meet others in clubs... But this is the thing; when its the 'managing' in real life, It's always the women who are active, and keep contact, and do the chatting... (in our experience that is) And we're quite interested in how you notice the difference. How come its mostly men doing the internet contacts, and that women manage the real life contacts (among the other women)?

Or have you had other experiences in real life??

-Hope we're not too late in posting this reply..

love J and O

I am the one who manages the ads or respinds to someone. I talk to hubby and get his input and we met the couples together but I am the one who communictaes via email or instant messanger.

I play the front man ... the missus is brought in for follow up. It was by accident that the subject was broached. We're still moving forward.

Hi,

I (female) manage the ads/postings. Swinging was my idea. If I find a couple that I "like" and I think that Joe will "like" I will show him the ad/message and we go from there.

We have yet to go to a swinger's club. All of our swinging activities have been with a few friends (couples) and several couples that we have met online.

Wanda

Correction

Joe just reminded me that we once went to the Riviera Lounge in Reno. Sorry.

Wanda

James handles most of the communication, although I do jump in from time to time. Swinging was his idea - he brought it up and I ran with it.....

Jenn

We both do but we find that I have better responses when talking to people or responding to mail

TNT said:

I couldn't vote on the poll because Ted was the one that brought it up and I'm the one that manages all our on-line ads. We both will check for mail and when one comes in we let the other know about it. When it comes to responding I'm usually the one that does it, Ted has responded a few times, but not many. Of course, before any response we have discussed it with each other.

 

Teresa

Same here. I generally write all ads and most emails mostly because he thinks I am better at wording things and also I don't have to "hunt and peck" on the keyboard like he does (not that there is anything wrong with that lol). As for whose idea this was, I think it was a combination of both his and my ideas, we do a lot of talking and it just came up and we went from there.... I chose other on the poll by the way...lol

I(mrs) does most the ad upkeep(because he works and I don't), however it is mutual on both parts and was also mutual on the idea of swinging,

Room for 11Questions?

I said other:

1. We started talking about his fantasy of having two women; my fantasy of finding out what it's like to be with a woman ... then swinging came out of that conversation ...

2. I fould the SLS site and posted our orignal Ad; then we got busy with fall/school/holidays/kids ... you guys know the drill ...

3. Started talking more about in in Feb, I think; went ahead and ponied up the whole $19 to make us "paid;" had a ball taking pictures to put up, too

4. He may have started writing the first emails and chatting; we then realized that WOMEN really do drive a lot of this, so I'm now the primary communicator with most potential folks; but, it just depends on who we're talking to.

5. We save ALL chats we have with people and share them with each other .... we're in this as a couple, and I don't ever want there to be any form of miscommunication with potential friends or friends themselves.

We fit LikeMinds' thesis. I brought up swinging, and handle the ad and communications, while we discuss anything substantive before it is posted or sent. I'm somewhat more outgoing than Mr. Fuse, so it's usually up to me to make things happen and keep up with everything. He's not unhappy about it though.

We think it is creepy when one member of the couple does all of the online prospecting without the active involvement of their mate. Our female (in particular) is totally put off by the thought of husbands choosing sexual prospects for their wives. When we knowingly encounter this arrangement, we run in the other direction.

As for us, we always act in concert (which is made easier by the fact that we live together, and we work in adjoining offices).

Additional points: 1) We will only chat if each of us are present - the chat function is disabled at all other times. 2) Each of us is free to reply to messages with a "no thank you", but more substantive communications are always a joint effort. 3) We have requested (in our profile) that couples not contact us until each member of the couple has reviewed our profile.

he brought it up..but i do most of the managing of the ads and takling online..but before any contact is done we both read the profiles to see if we both agree..

Well... I can't vote. It just came up, and we both agreed on it. I handle more of the ads then she does, but she does some of it as well. So... pretty equal.

Damn...sorry we missed out on the contest running at the beginning of the thread. I'm pretty sure we'd have been in the running for that grand prize.

We'll have to answer "other" too. I do all the online stuff...G is on a computer most of the day at work, and doesn't want to even see this one during the week. I show her anything that comes in, though I can usually tell who she'll like or not. I don't initiate a contact or reply to anyone without her seeing what goes out first. That way, we're both on the same page from step one.

As for who's idea...it just sorta happened. I'd had the idea, but hadn't brought it up to her yet. One lazy weekend afternoon, we were kid-less for the day, and were just hanging out, taking a well deserved rest. G was laying on the couch watching a Lifetime movie or something, when she called me in to tell me that the lesbian scene she had just seen really turned her on. The conversation...and the sex...we then had was great, and we were off and running. I put an ad on AFF, and fairly quickly found a great woman that broke us into the lifestyle. She was a married woman who had permission to go out and play, but with a married couple only. (yup, we even had dinner with her and her husband...he had no interest in sex, but didn't want her running off.)

So you tell me...who's idea was it?

We both talk about every contact from couples before we answer any message. But I am the one that does the actual typing, and when we make contact I'm the one that usually talks to the other couple and sets up a get together.

I couldn't answer the poll - We discuss and answer the messages together - and we agreed to swing together. I can't honestly remember who brought it up first - but I know it started from fantasies we discussed.

Sarah

How about "He does, swinging was OUR idea?"

Anyway, he does because he likes talking to people online. and because he seems to consider the screening process to be a type of "security" job he feels qualified for. It helps him feel protective, like our big doggy. Plus he loves to write. Well, we both like writing. Seems the job of updating and screening has just fallen to him.

I "wife" brought up the idea and I manage our accounts. It's not that hubby doesn't wanna help, but rather a lack of time. The training that the army is putting him through leave him very little free time.

I brought it up first (by sharing 1 past experience as a single). I didn't think we'd really do it, but then he expressed interest in what I told him and we kept talking. I don't think either of us pushed an agenda, we just kind of got there gradually.

I mostly manage the accounts, as far as writing or updating them. If I spot somebody that might be interesting, I show him, first. When people write us first, we both read their letter and profile before deciding how we'll respond. I wrote our profiles (they're worded the same on 3 sites), but consulted him all the way, and of course, add any points that he thinks of, too. I think that we do it together, but I just happen to do more of the writing. He tends to check the sites for new mail more often than I do, then he tells me we've got mail. If either of us chats on IM, we show the other the entire chat, so we're both up to speed on the people we're talking to. Optimally, we like to be together for chat, but schedules don't always allow that. For phone contact & arranging dates, we usually use his cell phone number for that. I feel that we're equal participants in this.

I'm leery of couples where the husband does all the writing/chatting. We've run into "couples" that likely aren't swinging couples at all, just a horny man playing around on the computer. We've also run into a fair share of pushy guys that are like bulldozers pushing the meeting ASAP, and seem to be dragging a very passive wife along for the ride. So, if it's apparent after a couple of emails or chats that we're only hearing from the man, I ask where the wife is and if she can chat. If there's always an excuse like "she's tired", or "she's taking care of the kids", we usually back away. If the woman won't get involved in the process of getting to know potential playmates, it gives me a bad feeling about them.

I've heard it said that if the two women don't click, it ain't happening. I'm not talking about bi, either...I mean, a personality fit - the women like each other and feel comfortable. Based on our experience, I believe this. If she's hiding behind a man who's doing all the "work", if she's very passive or very timid, things probably aren't going to work out, anyway.

Ours was a mutual idea, He does the couples and I get to check out the guys

For us he introduced swinging and it's not exactly equal with online, it really depends on the site and who placed the ad more than anything I guess. We help manage a swing club so we have ads on almost all of the match sites. The ones I put up I keep up with and the ones he placed he keeps up with. I know because of the club I have many more than he does, but I also have more time. I know our situation is unique, so other was the best choice for us.

Trish

Tybee Swing said:

I'm leary of couples where the husband does all the writing/chatting. We've run into "couples" that likely aren't swinging couples at all, just a horny man playing around on the 'puter. We've also run into a fair share of pushy guys that are like bulldozers pushing the meeting ASAP, and seem to be dragging a very passive wife along for the ride. So, if it's apparent after a couple of emails or chats that we're only hearing from the man, I ask where the wife is and if she can chat. If there's always an excuse like "she's tired", or "she's taking care of the kids", we usually back away. If the woman won't get involved in the process of getting to know potential playmates, it gives me a bad feeling about them.

This is a good point worth discussing.

As I mentioned earlier in this thread, it's usually the male that writes to us. We try to meet a couple asap because we are not into lots of e-mail and never IM/chat. I have sensed when the guy is writing because he's looking for his 'sex fix' with me through writing, or his wife is being dragged along, and I dump those guys fast. I think they're easy to spot within a couple e-mails.

There are some great couples we've met who (like us) don't both get into writing, MrLM is not a writer until we have already met a couple and established an ongoing relationship. So I understand that both parties of a couple may not be writers.

Something I look for when the male of a couple is writing is if he uses "I" or "we" and if he's only speaking from his point of view then I see that as a red flag. I also ask questions about how his wife to see what his response will be. That tells me a lot.

Quote

I've heard it said that if the two women don't click, it ain't happening. I'm not talking about bi, either...I mean, a personality fit - the women like each other and feel comfortable. Based on our experience, I believe this. If she's hiding behind a man who's doing all the "work", if she's very passive or very timid, things probably aren't going to work out, anyway.

I've only dialogued with the wife on three occasions (that I can think of) and this may seem odd, but when this happens I wonder if the husband has any interest in me at all or if she's mostly looking for a bi-sexual partner. I know this is unfair because I can turn that thinking around and say the wife of the other couple may think my husband isn't interested in her since he doesn't write.

What I look for - no matter who is writing - are comments that let us know they are interested in us, not just one of us. I try to show this when I write to couples.

I agree it's important that the women get along. If I don't take to her I have veto power, same goes for MrLM with the male. We haven't had to use our veto power yet.

What little we have out there, he does most. I like to post in some forums but mostly I trust him to weed out the undesirables. That way he knows what I know and there are no surprises for anyone.

He introduced me to the ads. It was fun at first (like the first 3 months), but it quickly grew old. Plus we read so many other people not liking it either and found it to be a waist of time. That is about how we feel about it now. If we meet a couple while at a house party or a club, we will ask them if they are members of sls. If they are,then we will write each other. As for looking for a couple on line. No! not for us.

He introduced me to the ads. It was fun at first (like the first 3 months), but it quickly grew old. Plus we read so many other people not liking it either and found it to be a waist of time. That is about how we feel about it now. If we meet a couple while at a house party or a club, we will ask them if they are members of sls. If they are,then we will write each other. As for looking for a couple on line. No! not for us.

I have to say I agree here. We've had one of our profiles online now for about 8 years. In that time I think we've met probably 3 couples from that profile that actually worked out in the least bit. That was one of the reasons we and so many of the couples we speak with went in search of a club. Even though we maintain these profiles now for the club we work at, we no longer agree to meet people from them, in fact all of our profiles state if they want to meet us they will have to come to the club to do so. Not because we want more business for the club (that's a bonus if it happens), but because we have come across so many fakes, people who will actually take the time to talk for weeks and then set up a meeting and not even show up.

We've had much more luck in clubs, the people are real. We will talk with club members we know on some sites, just because we know them from the club. We also answer all of our e-mails, but we make sure everyone knows upfront, we are for real, we don't play games and if eventually they want to meet they will have to come to the club to do so. The fakes generally disappear after that statement. We also don't share our X pictures anymore, simply because we've found that's what most of the fakes are after, so we do share face shots and tell everyone up front anything else they'd have to see in person.

In the past 5 years of talking with people online from our profiles and even some at great length, we have only had 1 couple take us up on the offer to meet at the club, and they've been regular members ever since. In our eyes real lifestylers among a sea of fakes. So online ads don't work for us or many people we have spoken with. I think that's eventually why so many end up at clubs and house parties, just to find some real people, not people looking for pictures or cyber or what ever it is they're looking for online.

Trish

We work together on the ads. I'm more of a writer, and he's a looker. So, he'll peruse the ads and keep track of who's contacted us, and I'll respond.

Swinging was something I approached him about, so I'm not just along for the ride.

We've had some luck with ads and some strange ones. The advice from everyone here helped us learn how to work the ads, and it's gotten much better recently. I can't tell you enough how much your advice has helped us.

I will say it's easier to meet in a social environment like clubs or planned socials. Dancing is a big thing for me.

Mrs. D

I admit that I do most of the "work" but it really isn't for me. It's fun.

If changes are made sometimes they are discussed before hand and sometimes after, then another change may happen. LOL.

Fem D is starting to pay a little more attention to things. She definitely chats with folks more than I do.

he does, we dont consider online communications with others 'swinging'. Playtime is at the on prems.