Are you a Top or Bottom?

The first couple we were involved with used the terms top and bottom to describe themselves. At the time, I thought that top and bottom were terms that were exclusive to the gay community. Not so... Basically, the dominant partner is the top - and the submissive is the bottom...

I know - I know - "duh, Spoomonkey. What's your point?"

Well - I am curious...

Who is the more dominant in your relationship? Or - if you are single - do you see yourself as a "top" or "bottom"?

In our marriage, I am usually the dominant one. Occassionally I enjoy letting Mrs Spoomonkey wrestle for control, only to take it from her as the activities progress. And she is more than happy to let me be the dominant one.

I have a fantasy about being "dominated", but it is not something that I could get into all the time. I am definitely an "alpha-monkey".

So - I am going to try my very first poll...

The question is - which are you?

we are 50/50 on that one depending on the mood. Me (the she half) love to be on top and make him just lay there enjoying himself but i also love it when he takes control. Part of the time i want to tell him what to do, but like to be put where he wants me...he can just pick me up and move me around the bed how he likes it...which is fun. so I guess what i am saying is we are both ...well both top and bottom.

my 2 cents for the day

I would say that I (male) top 90% of the time. We have played S&M games since the begining and over time have evolved to our current position. While I sometimes take the bottom position, usually I decide when, where, and how hard or soft we have sex. She is an admitted sub and is always willing to let her partner take the reins and lead her to orgasm.

I am a "switch" and it is up to me which one you get. Generally, it depends on how well I know you as to which one it is. I'm only more aggressive with people that I know well.

My wife and I are both submissive, which says a lot about why we are interested in bringing other people into our bedroom.

My wife and I are both submissive, which says a lot about why we are interested in bringing other people into our bedroom.

Do you generally look for "top" playmates?

Spoomonkey

Is it possible for me and Mr LM to be neither sub nor dom in our marriage? We could not categorize our personal sexual roles.

None of the 15 choices are suitable for Mr LM. When I showed him the poll he said, "I see this as a labor question, the person who's getting their heart rate up faster and doing more is the dom."

LM

P.S. I voted "switch" only because I can see myself going both ways with play partners.

Well Mr Spoo pretty much spoke for us but I couldn't let his first poll go by with out voting and posting to it myself.

I have to admit I like being the bottom . . the submissive. We are like biblonde said, Mr Spoo just moves me around where he wants me and your right that is a lot of fun He has however pointed out recently that in two different play times with another couple and a single that I sort of took control of the situation and directed everyone (Mr Spoo was just enjoying himself very much and the last thing on his mind was being a top) So I have a little bit of 'top' in me but I have to admit my favorite is when he just takes me and takes control facelick

We have been working on me being a 'dominatrix' for a night and I'm having fun with that . . . getting the outfit, planning my demands So we'll see, maybe in time I'll even out and just be a 50/50 switcher.

Mrs Spoomonkey

I decided to answer, "I am a "switch". But you need to tell me which one you want.", but after I did, I realized that actually makes me a 'bottom'. Interesting poll!

-B

I haven't voted yet, I haven't completely sorted this out though my instinct is to vote I'm the top and he's the bottom. As I've mentioned before my husband can be/wants to be submissive...therefore the bottom. I'm definitely a dominating one in our relationship...but I don't feel that makes me a top. And if I'm not a top then I should be a bottom. But I'm not a bottom because I do like a certain amount of control. I'm not a switch because I don't care for either extreme. So basically, I'm in the middle. I prefer to give as much direction as I take...at least in the bedroom. I guess in general life I really am the top and he really is the bottom. Who knows. Chances are you could ask this every week and I'll give a different answer!

Our relationship is a full time D/s. That is ti say that I am a Dom, and My Little Princess is my full time submissive. So the answer to the poll for us is reather obvious. EXCEPT where it comes to dealing with people outside of our relationship in the vanilla world. She is a very forceful personality, a trait required for her profession as a corporate instructor. Mine remains relatively consistent as a management level employee in a manufacturing plant. Our life together seems to be THE perfect match and works quite well for us, with her wearing a collar locked about her neck 24/7. And to most, our relationship is so transparent that after someone really gets to know us and ask about the collar's BDSM medallionor the matching item that I wear as a tie-tack or lapel pin, that the response is "Oh, really? I hadn't noticed!" Those people told beforehand, unfortunately, feel threatened will respond for the most part with "NOT COMPATIBLE!" almost immediately. Those few truly adventurous souls who take the time find us to be delightful.

Go figure.

Do you generally look for "top" playmates?

Something like that. They find us. Since we're both shy and submissive and all. I'm working on pushing myself to be more assertive just to prove to myself that I can but I still really just prefer aggressive playmates. Zero question then about whether they are into it or not.

My wife sometimes will go into predator mode and just go after somebody at a (vanilla) party or something and like 20 minutes later POOF they're having sex. It's rare but wow it's pretty cool to watch. That's how she got me in the first place. We are normally very equal now, in every aspect of our marriage. Comes naturally from being with somebody who's opinion you respect as much as your own, but not more so.

Oh and as a guy who lives in a very very very gay area, all of this talk about 'tops' and 'bottoms' is kind of creeping me out! I have never heard those terms applied to straight sex. What's next, hanky codes for swingers?

Mr Spoomonkey, are you dominant with Mrs Spoomonkey about lots of things, or just sex? Like are you the one who decides what to have for dinner, what movies to see, what kind of car to get, all of that? My wife and I are both exceedingly dominant in every other aspect of our lives and in team situations in business or whatever we're both normally the leaders in the pack. Combined we're even stronger and we use our strength as a strong pair with complimentary skills to dominate our business niches. We're totally not shy about wrestling somebody to the ground in business and raping their money out of them. It's only in bed that we're pushovers.

Heya Spoo...

Funny you should ask this question. For the 14 years we have been together, I have been a resounding top and she a bottom. Last week, while myself and the missus were having a little "randy" time, things suddenly were different. It wasn't that I relinquished my role as a top, but my wife had suddenly jumped right into being a top as well. To say the least, it not only surprised me, but actually kind of made the experience "less" for me. I attributed this sudden blip on the radar to a couple of things.

1) In the times we have been together over the years, both of our sexual roles have been satisfactory to us, and I know this because we have talked about it and revisited it from time to time. When this happens right in the moment, it was just so different from the person that I have become extremely comfortable with in bed and to have it flip up like that almost made it as if it wasn't my wife.

2) In recent swinging experiences, I believe that the person she has been with has placed her in a more top role, either by her choosing or something that just occurred naturally with that person. Therefore, she had become semi-comfortable with it and then "sprung" it on me.

Question here: In situations like this, if a semi-change or even drastic turnabouts take place like I observed, wouldn't you think it be prudent to discuss it before the act? While I can see the advantage of it being spontaneous, because of that entrenched comfort level I had and was happy with, I really think that the way she did it really had not a chance of "ending up good".

Also, in situations where in swinging your SO may have played a different top/bottom role or even just changed some different ways of doing things, etc., what is your expectation as to how that affects things between you and the SO's experiences together? Do you expect for that person to come back and do everything that they have learned or did with their swing mate? Do you feel that it's hard to possibly emulate the same type of behavior because of the simple differences in the people you are with? Do you find yourself maybe being a little different in the sexual experiences with others as well?

All of these types of questions were raised in my mind....Interested in your thoughts!

Tim

I can definately go either way and it really depends on my mood and the mood of who I'm with. I wouldn't say that I totally decide or that they tell me which one to be.

I - Lord B - am generally switch, and vary in what I want from encounter to encounter. With someone new, I usually experience a desire to be dominant (what was that you were saying about alpha male behaviour, Spoo?), but with familiar partners, sometimes the urge to be more passive surfaces.

Like me, Lady B seems able to trade roles back and forth, though given the way she especially relishes those 'being taken' moments, she should really be considered a 'bottom'. However, she does excercise her right to be 'top' when she feels suitably inclined!

While I, Mr. Chemistry, am definitely a top, I would never turn away a woman who is also a top. EVER!

We're totally not shy about wrestling somebody to the ground in business and raping their money out of them. It's only in bed that we're pushovers.

Okay - that tickled me...

But - to answer your question, in life and business I am a classic non-conformist (read: unpromotable). I am neither "top" or "bottom" - though I think I have a rather strong personality that is humorous and problem solving... I'm not the "salesman" type... I can sell anything, but I would never make a living at it... And if you are in business, you know the kind of guy I am talking about.

But - in our relationship, I think that we are both pleasers of each other, but she is much more so than me. So - I tend to make "final" decisions after we've talked about it... In other words, "Okay - then we're going to Logan's"... That after we've both asked "what are you hungry for?" for about an hour...

You would likely not see my "top" side if we were all out socially, because Mrs Spoomonkey and I get along so well and have never had an arguement. But - on the other hand, I am the kind of husband who can put his foot down when it needs to be put down. That sounds like a bad thing... But it really isn't in practice. We are equals in everything - except of course for giving head... She's great at that and I just don't...

She is the brains behind the Spoomonkey franchise, though. Usually when I have to say, "this is what we are doing" it is because she has convinced me before convincing herself...

Spoomonkey

I decided to answer, "I am a "switch". But you need to tell me which one you want.", but after I did, I realized that actually makes me a 'bottom'. Interesting poll!

B

You're the only one that has caught this so far...

Tricky little monkey, aren't I?

I think it is interesting that 1/3 of those who have voted consider themselves tops - and have a bottom as their partner. It tells you a lot (theoretically) about who is the most involved in the boards... The "top" in a couple may have more of a desire to understand the intricacies of the lifestyle and help guide the couple's involvement... Or it could just mean that the "top" in the couple is the most likely to vocalize their thoughts and opinions...

It is not a fleshed out poll - but the trend is interesting...

I am also pretty grateful that only one person thinks I'm an idiot...

That is surprisingly low!

Spoomonkey

Question here: In situations like this, if a semi-change or even drastic turnabouts take place like I observed, wouldn't you think it be prudent to discuss it before the act? While I can see the advantage of it being spontaneous, because of that entrenched comfort level I had and was happy with, I really think that the way she did it really had not a chance of "ending up good".

Wow! Deep stuff... My thinking on this is that it is hard to say whether it should have been talked about before or not... Reason being - it is already done. I am sure that the two of you have been debriefing about it - and that is the best thing to do.

You can't really expect for her to have known how you would respond. She took a risk and it backfired a bit. But - where there are no risks, there are no real successes.

Talking about it before hand may have sterilized it - for her. It may have made it easier for you, but it may have taken away the "reality" for her and made her feel like she was putting on a show and not really taking the lead...

I applaude her courage in taking that risk.

Also, in situations where in swinging your SO may have played a different top/bottom role or even just changed some different ways of doing things, etc., what is your expectation as to how that affects things between you and the SO's experiences together? Do you expect for that person to come back and do everything that they have learned or did with their swing mate? Do you feel that it's hard to possibly emulate the same type of behavior because of the simple differences in the people you are with? Do you find yourself maybe being a little different in the sexual experiences with others as well?

I think the variety that we experience in swinging allows both of us to give each other a fuller sexual experience when it is just the two of us. It is kind of like the sum of all of our experiences come together to make for one incredible one...

Mrs Spoomonkey is a little bit of a ring leader in encounters, which has been a surprise to me. But, I don't expect that same sort of "harbor master" attitude in our bedroom. It is not that it isn't her - or that it isn't me... It isn't "us". Does that make sense? I think when we swing we tend to be - or have become with experience - a more dominant couple. But together, our roles are still pretty sharply defined.

As for "do I expect for her to come back and do everything" - absolutely yes - and absolutely no... For example, we don't do anal together. Mrs Spoomonkey is fascinated by it, but it isn't something we can do without difficulty. Because of that - I expect that we'll not do anal with our playmates. If she does - then I would expect to be next in line... If that makes sense.

But - I also am a realist. You cannot recreate swinging in the bedroom when it is just the two of you. I want her to be able to let loose and enjoy the experience without worrying about me. There is so much concern flowing between both of us that I don't worry about it, but all the same, I want her to have her experience and not really worry about such things... As long as we play within the boundaries that we have agreed upon, I want for both of us to let loose. And I am not thinking about "equal time."

As for your last question - I am much less aggressive with our playmates. In fact, I am a bit on the timid side of "very respectful". I think this comes from our experience with our first couple. She was very eager, but I could tell by watching her with her husband that she wasn't quite ready for me. Mrs Spoomonkey agreed. We frankly thought I might kill her...

That sounds braggodocious - but it isn't meant to be. I mean, my aggressive style compared to her incredible sensitivity in certain spots and her husbands extremely "laid back" approach were likely to be something that she wasn't used to... And I didn't think that she'd enjoy herself...

So - I tend to play slow until I know what our partners are comfortable with. The "alpha monkey" stays in his cage with other couples.

Spoomonkey

I am also pretty grateful that only one person thinks I'm an idiot...

 

That is surprisingly low!

 

Spoomonkey

Most of us just love you too much to hurt your feelings Spoo.

LM

I came so close to selecting that answer, as did others I'm sure.

 

Most of us just love you too much to hurt your feelings Spoo.

I appreciate you not picking on such an "easy target" such as myself...

Spoomonkey

 

Tricky little monkey, aren't I?

 

I am also pretty grateful that only one person thinks I'm an idiot...

 

That is surprisingly low!

 

Spoomonkey

I thought you were being tricky in not letting us pick more than one. I mean, if we want to answer the question, we can't very well pick the idiot one, can we? Of course, I'm sure you allready know, but I never would have picked that one anyway. But, I'll have to admit you may have got some votes from those of us that just couldn't resist, sort of an irresistable traget of opportunity.

I'm a top because in our house we always do things Mrs. way, except when we disagree, then we usually do it my way.

I thought you were being tricky in not letting us pick more than one.

My ego couldn't take multiple choice with "you're an idiot" being an option... I'd be drinking gas right now if I'd done that

Spoomonkey

Mr. is the top and I am the bottom. That's not saying that I don't get to enjoy being dominate if the moods suits me but generally I prefer being "taken" like those old romantic movies.

In our normal life the same holds true too. I think alot of this has to due with working in a business together. The biggest killer of family businesses is more than one boss. Someone has to take the lead. We discuss everything until we agree or agree to disagree and then Mr. takes the responsibility and I get to say "told ya" once in a while.

Mr. is the top and I am the bottom. That's not saying that I don't get to enjoy being dominate if the moods suits me but generally I prefer being "taken" like those old romantic movies.

EXACTLY!!! Fun occasionally to be the dominate one but oh, being "taken" Mmmmmmm facelick

Mrs Spoomonkey

Welp, looks like I'm the only one who made the "sweet Oreo" middle choice for myself.

I think that probably with most couples there is a bit of taking turns in the roles, depending on one's area of expertise. For instance, I am the one who writes the checks and pays the bills. But I don't think I should be in control of the purse strings because of that. That would put me in too much of a "Mommy" role, and that isn't one I think is productive for a good relationship. For major expenditures, we do a lot of discussion until we find agreement.

I'm wondering ....

In relationships where both are tops, is there a lot of jockeying for position, figuratively speaking? Do both find it imperative to feel they have "ruled"?

In relationships where both are bottoms, does the communication suffer from it - with neither wanting to foist themself upon the other?

Not judging here - really just curious and asking.

I guess the questions come from the opinion I hold that most of us are a combination of traits that mean we are sometimes tops and sometimes bottoms. I have met a few in my life that were definitely almost totally one or the other, but I think the majority of us fit into a mid-road equitable role with our partners. Am I naive in thinking this?

WR

Hi Mr. S. I'd be sruprised if you will get a definitive result from your survey. But I realize that's not really the point anyway. It's a good way to get ppl to do a little navel gazing and maybe realize a little more about themselves. And it makes for interesting discussion. As for me, I'm with Julie. It depends entirely on mood, atmosphere and circumstance. That way it becomes an activity that has the potential to be amazing for both you and your partner/s.

I am a switch and I determine which one I am which makes me a true top.

I thought the gay term was pitcher or catcher?

I also thought this would be a poll about getting it either from the top or the bottom.

Man... I have a lot to learn!

Definitely I'm a "Top". The Mr. can be either one. I'm very dominant.

depends on my mood but I usually like the woman on top....i like dominate women who can take serious control and be on top! Be really rough!!!!

I'm the top and she is the bottom in sexual matters only.

Sweet

I would have to say that we are 50/50, it really depends on how the wife(Beauty) or I feel. I don't really have a set way I do anything, nor does the wife, we love to try everything, so it does involve swapping roles alot.

I'm definite bottom and he's top. We're exploring D/s at the same time as swinging together and finding we love it. We live a pretty much 24/7 relationship butwith flexibility.

I am going to say that I didnt understand the poll so I voted other But I now that I know what your talking about I say Bottom I can be agressive with my partner but Usually its him that tells me what he likes and what he wants me to do, He also does what I want and Like but I dont have to tell him

mr is definitely a bottom. After our swinging experiences we realized that I am more aggressive in bed and highly sexed and somehow that translated to our real life also. Now mr wont do anything without my permission.

I am definately,absolutely,100% the dominant partner....when he lets me.

Hmm. I think Mr. has more experience as the dominant personality, and he's much more comfortable in a position of authority, but I think with some development, I could definitely be a Domme. I rarely exercise it (probably because I'm not quite ready to explore it), but I really do enjoy shocking and discomfiting people. Knocking them somewhat off balance. Ever so subtly. I just love the reaction. I've noticed a bit of the Cougar in me emerging as I work around endearingly naiive university students all the time (no offense folks!). I like dressing sexy for the office and tormenting my poor office-mate. Nothing outrageous mind you, as I have no intention of appearing inappropriate. This is just the way I dress (halo appears over my head). Can I help it if their minds wander?

Another indication, I suppose, is this wonderful reaction I have to bad-ass 'alpha males' strutting and posturing. I feel positively predatory, like a cat toying with a mouse. And all I can think is, "SOMEbody needs his ass spanked!"

EDIT>> Here's an interesting link for any women toying with the idea of exploring domination:

http://www.akashaweb.com/forwomen.html

It just depends on the moment...

M and I both switch it up. Moods tend to lead us too.

We both love having what you want when you want it but we also love just being took too. So 50/50 here.

Very interesting poll, Spoo !!

I like the term "topping from the bottom"... aka I like to be the sub, but I tell the Dom what to do to me... I like the sub physical role, but the dominant mental role... go figure !!

I own an accounting business, so I am the boss there, and have the power (?) so at home, I like the submissive role, but I still like having the power, I suppose.

Mr Jeep has hinted that he would like me to be more physically aggressive, and I just feel foolish - and cant do it...

V

Nice one Spoo!!

Initially, I responded with me being top and Mrs T being bottom, as normally this is the case........by default I guess. Let me explain...... I don't mind being mildly directed to do things to my playmate.......my technical career means I think too much all day long, I don't necessarily want to think in the bed, but I am very creative with fantasies, ideas, etc, so it all kinda works. Mrs is VERY much in control, independent, etc all day long, so she wants no part of being in control in bed. Soooooo, as is my personality, I see a need, I fill it. Someone needed to be in control, hence the "by default". Mrs is getting better at being submissive, yet telling me what she wants.

Did anyone follow that?

Anyway, my 2 pennies.

Mr. Twofer

I have always been bottom. Thinking about it now, I guess it could be called bordom rather then bottom. Dog changed my out look on sex. Dog can take and reliquish the top role easily. For the first time in my life I feel comfortable letting my guy know what I want. Dog has opened my eyes to alot, and I have now started to look into things myself. I have learnt a few tricks that he didn't know about . It is fun to pull something new out of your sleeve. So I guess I am bottom by nature who likes to play top once in awhile.

Your friend,

Prettylady

I think it is interesting that 1/3 of those who have voted consider themselves tops - and have a bottom as their partner. It tells you a lot (theoretically) about who is the most involved in the boards... The "top" in a couple may have more of a desire to understand the intricacies of the lifestyle and help guide the couple's involvement... Or it could just mean that the "top" in the couple is the most likely to vocalize their thoughts and opinions...

In this sense, the communicating, I guess I would be the top in our relationship. I think I DO have more of a desire to understand the intricacies of the lifestyle.

I voted myself Oreo middle. In bed, I can go either way, but prefer equal back-and-forth sexually rather than a true top or bottom. I'm totally not into D/s, in either role - except for the occasional "game", based on the mood of the moment. If I had to choose, I'd rather my hubby be more dominant sexually than me.

I sense that he'd rather be more passive in bed more often, but I'm not interested in a passive sexual partner for the most part. I don't want to be in charge, especially in bed.

I'm bi in the right circumstances, but I don't enjoy bi-passive women at all.

I am definately a bottom with a beautiful and dominant wife who makes sure that I am sexually well cared for. Jealousy and humiliation are always just around the corner but love and excitement is the order of the day.

Alex the Younger1

I agree with driveajeepnaked - I "top from the bottom". I like to let my man make all the moves, but I like to direct - sometimes clearly and verbally, sometimes in a "hotter, colder" way with body language, moans, etc. I'm not a big fan of straight domination - I like to see my partner being creative, and if I'm the dom, then I have to be creative instead.

i (female half) am a bottom..kinda like the little control but not to much of it...he would like me to be a top...but since i dont like the top to much he gets it...and even if i became a top it would end up switching because i love it when he takes control..and he does it so well

Mr. Spoo, the Gator half of our couple says I have control issues. And he is right. I used to fight losing control to the extend I didn't enjoy (get the most possible) out of sex. Being the remarkable man he is, he made it a mission to correct that "flaw" (my term). His correction has been the best thing that could have happened for our sex life. It boiled down to trust and I realized I wasn't giving that to him. Once I did, our whole relationship grew by leaps. Now, I have no problems being his bottom. Great rewards come with the position. Control is actually one of the things that lead to our swinging. He likes to see me lose control. Likes to see me that pleasured. So, we have only had MFM thresomes so far. (Though we have a couple we are going to be meeting with as soon as our schedules permit.) So, this was his fantasy. I guess he figures 4 hands, two mouths and all would be harder for me to resist. And I really have found great pleasure in giving him, and to some extent the men we've been with, the things they want. I know he won't let anything be asked of me that I would find uncomfortable (though he will gently push against my boundaries). Yeah, my man does seem to know me. At times better than I know myself.

Congratulation in doing your first poll. I have enjoyed this board very much since we found it. I like your posts. And you know your reaction to our screen name made my day.

Vol

In our relationship I am more the bottom...there has only been a few times that the role has been reversed and that suits me just fine.

With one of my playmates though, I am definitely the top.

So my answer was that I am the bottom with my SO, because I really don't consider myself a switch.

Maria

Hmmm, I didn't vote because I don't think I'm any of the above, err all of the above,lol Just depends on who I'm with and what needs to take place With my SO I'm definatly a bottom however, but with different playmates it can go anyway,lol.

I do like mrs. randies' to take the top sometimes for a change. She prefers to be on the bottom. Says she gets more pleasure that way, I am all about giving her as much pleasure as I can!!!