Recognize someone we saw online

O.K. here is my dilema.

Mrs naughty and I have put a personal ad in on the page that is linked from this board.

Surfing through the couples with ads posted from our area one comes up with pics of someone I know.

I do not know the person personaly but I go to the gym about 4 - 5 times a week and this guy is always there. According to his profile he & his wife seem to have a lot in common with Mrs naughty and I.

I went up to him friday in the gym and just made idle chit chat to kind of feel the dude out. He seemed like a real nice guy and very friendly.

His wife seems attractive although I have only seen pics of her in their ad. Mrs naughty finds him attractive and thinks I should e-mail him and tell him I know him.

I am not sure if this is a good idea.

For one I dont know if I e-mail him if I should tell him that I know him from the gym. If I do I think it would only be right to tell him who I am because it wouldnt be fair to tell him someone at his gym knows he swings but he doesnt know who. So if I e-mail him I will definately tell him who I am. Plus If we do actualy set up a date to meet he will probably figure out I knew who he was all the time because of the pics in his ad.


I have also thought about approaching him in the gym and tell him I saw his ad and my wife and I would like to get together with them. But I really do not think that is the right place to initialy bring it up.

I am afraid if this doesnt work out than it will be very awkward with both of us going to the same gym.

So do I:

1) E-mail him and tell him who I am?

2) E-mail him and dont tell him that I know him?

3) Do not E-mail him at all?

4) Approach him at the gym?

HELP

[yawanna]

My goodness you two lead interesting lives

Do you have your pics on your personal ad? If you do, I would respond and direct their attention to your own ad, and let them take it from there. Ball in their court so to speak.

If you don't, I would answer their ad with a text only response. If their response is positive and they wish to proceed further ie. see pics of you, or meet for a drink, at that point yes you need to share that you've met him at the gym.

This can be done in a non threatening manner (something I'm sure you are good at ) and give them an easy out if they feel not comfy about that.

I would say something like I've talked to him a bit at the gym, then came across their ad. That we like what we know of them so far and would like to continue to get to know them BUT if they feel in any way uncomfortable, we completely understand and will drop it. I would also offer to send my pic anyway so he can know who I am and thus I have as much at stake as he does in being found out as a 'swinger'.

Hope this may help

I never thought of that.

Get to know him better first and act like I came across the ad after we got to know them.

Mrs naughty came up with the idea of not bringing up the ad at all and just get to know him at the gym and eventualy get together as friends. Since we are both swinging couples the road will probably take us there all by its self without even bringing up the ad.

[LikeMinds321]

I think Mrs. Naughty has the right idea.

Really, there's no reason to mention the ad. Continue to get to know this guy at the gym. Suggest a get-together for drinks with your spouses without ever suggesting your mutual swinging interests. As your evening out progresses, everyone will have their radar up for "sexy signals." I can imagine sliding into a very nice swinging relationship this way.

Mrs. LM

[SluttyWife]

I agree with LikeMinds. You could up the ante abit and invite them to the kewlest lifestyle party in town and give them a wink, knowing smile once you're all there.

Slutty Wife

[Alura]

I have to agree with Yawanna that y'all certainly lead interesting lives!

But I also agree with LikeMinds that there is no reason to tip your hand this early in a situation that may never lead to a friendship at all.

Here's what Mrs. Alura and I might do:

I'd arrange for Mrs. Alura, dressed to look good but not overly sexy, to pick me up at the gym because my car was in the shop for service. I'd put it in the shop just so I'd be telling the truth. I'd chat with him again while waiting for her to arrive and be sure to introduce him to Mrs. Alura.

I'd let Mrs. Alura decide if he's attracted to her. She'll know. (I can't imagine any man not being attracted to her, but, hell, I'm prejudiced.) If she thinks he is, we'd invite them to dinner at a restaurant to see just how well we all got along. We'd be sure to discuss a myriad of subjects, but not swinging unless they brought it up. Hopefully, the meeting would be positive all around.

We'd be sure to be aware of body language at dinner. If they chose to sit with the men opposite each other, we'd be encouraged. If they arrange seating so that the wives are opposite the other man, someone's not comfortable. Be careful here, because the "American Way" is to seat the wives as far as possible from the other guy.

During the conversation, both Mrs. Alura and I would touch them lightly and non-agressively on the hand several times while making a point and see if they did the same. If so, another good sign!

When we were quite sure they liked us, and the subject of sex in general had been broached, Mrs. Alura would ask the wife, "How do y'all feel about intermarital sex?"

It may take more than one dinner or even a trip to the Rodin exhibit at Philbrook to arrive at this point.



Mr. Alura

I just wanted to say that given all of the weird twist of fate things that tend to happen to us(and how cool they turn out to be) that we just can't pass on trying to (ahem)*meet* these people.

We know enough about them to know we have a LOT in common........

[jcbicouple]

Good luck with the couple! Our bit of advice is this: Be honest and upfront. We're guessing that their ad had a photo that was recognizable (since you recognized him) which would tell us that they are accepting to the fact that people are going to know they are swingers. If you are comfortable when you approach the subject, he will likely be comfortable as well. Then if the answer is "No, the gym is a little too close for comfort", so be it, you tried. To tell you the truth if someone started off by trying to manipulate us, we would not play with them, even if we had originally wanted to......The fact that they purposely tried to decieve us would immediately throw up a red flag and we would no longer want anything to do with them. Honesty works best. If they were worried about being recognized: They wouldn't of had recognizable photos on their ad. If approaching him in person is uncomfortable; Do it through e mail. Then if they aren't interested you never have to bring it up in your day to day life.

P.S. Have you thought they might be reading this board?
Maybe they're waiting for your move.

Actually, I did say that very thing.....it would sure make life easier, wouldn't it??

[Alura]

I don't see our suggestion as being either manipulative or dishonest. By getting to know the folks first, you never have to tell them you know about their ad if you're not compatible or if his wife looks at you and thinks, "No way!" Consequently, they would never be uncomfortable knowing someone local knows their secret.

Sometimes we've met folks we think might be fun to play with. We've gone out of our way to meet them and, if there is nothing there, we drop it. I don't think we've been dishonest by not announcing up front, "Hey, y'all, we think you folks are neat and would like to explore the idea of swinging with you. Wanna go out to dinner and see if it works?"

If we sense no interest we never ask and they're never aware of what piqued our interest. We know several couples we met, or at least got to know that way. They're still friends but have no idea we play.

If someone refused to play with us because we failed to tell them we had a sexual interest from the beginning we'd think, "Wow! We lucked out on that one, didn't we?"

Of course, we don't run or respond to ads, so what do we know? We're just hick Okies.

Mr. Alura

[LikeMinds321]

Mr. Alura

I think your scenario to meet up with "Gym Guy" and his wife is a creative and sensitive idea.

My definition of manipulative is trying to get someone to do something--against their will--for your benefit. I don't see this as your intent at all.

Mrs. LM

We decided to respond to their ad.

We figured we would be honest from the get go because we would expect or want nothing less.

I thought about if the roles were reversed and I think being upfront is the best policy.

The E-mail has been sent so there is no turning back.
I want to thank all of you who offered their advice. Just because we didnt go with yours doesnt mean we didnt consider it. All advice given was of value.

Thanks again!

[OhioCouple]

When we first started looking at ads in our local area, we found a couple that we really hit it off with e-mail/ad wise. After several exchanges of emails it became apparent to me that I knew the female half of the couple through work and we had been associated for several years due to our fields. We had even gone out afterwards in a group of girls to a local tavern after meetings, several times. Mr. O and I thought about this quite a bit as work would sometimes bring her and I together several times a year and felt it best to be honest. We did, and quite frankly the contact slowly disappeared. Nothing was ever really said about the fact that we knew each other, however I think the four of us were uncomfortable with it as our professional lives would be entertwined. Since then, I have met in professional settings with the female half of this couple and while a tad strained at first, once each of us realized that the other wasn't going to bring the topic up, all was fine.

Ohio,

That is a good perspective and that may be the case, but we didnt know each other before so loss of a friendship isnt in the mix.

[Alura]

Thanks, Mrs. LM. I appreciate the vote of confidence.

One of the problems we face in finding playmates is that we're not satisfied with just sex. We need for our friends to stimulate our minds as well as our bodies. When the sex is over it gets pretty boring if the folks have little of interest to say. If their interests don't match up with ours, we'd prefer they have no idea we play. We've never had to write a letter telling someone we weren't interested. Perhaps that's among the major reasons we don't do ads.

Now, this board is different. One has months or even years to get to know how people think before a meeting ever takes place and play may not be in the cards even then, for whatever reason, often having nothing to do with attraction or interest. We've been around here for three years and still haven't played with anyone we've met on the board. It has never been because we didn't want to, but such reasons as work, kids and having sixty other vanilla guests in our home.

Our method is only ours and does not apply to anyone else. The down side is that it takes more time and effort to find the right people. That probably helps to explain why we've only played with five couples in the last twenty years, but that's okay. We'll trade quantity for what we really want any day of the week.

I wish y'all the best of luck, Mr. & Mrs. Naughty. Here's hoping it turns out to be an enduring and exciting friendship for all four of you.

Mr. Alura