Are we being approached to swing?

CAM · 03-09-2004, 10:59 PM

We have never really considered swinging before but recently the idea was presented to us by some friends. My question: We are confused, my husband and I, about whether or not we were actually approached about this or if it is our naievety or inexperience. Our good friends, known them for 20 plus years and go out to dinner, etc. with them, recently let us in on a secret that they are kind of in to different things. The wife approached me and told me about the things they have done...just in conversation i believe. But...during that conversation she said that they thought we were swinging with another couple we hang out with. My answer was..really? you did? No we are not doing that. I did answer in a very positive way and not judgmental. (did i mention we were at a strip club with this couple at their invitation?)

The question is this...were they "feeling us out" to see if we were open to this lifestyle or is it our imagination? Please help! Don't want to assume anything, and don't want to lose their friendship either! They're terrific friends! We love hanging out with them, and quite frankly I had a crush on the husband when we were teenagers.

Looking for answers and any are appreciated

**good times** · 03-09-2004, 11:15 PM

Welcome

Hard to say from what you said, but assuming they indicated that they are swingers, why not just ask if the reason she brought it up was that they wanted to play with you? You may have to put a little thought into how to phrase the question so as not to put them on the spot but I think given your confusion it wouldn't be inappropriate to inquire further.

Miss_Piggy · 03-10-2004, 01:28 AM

Hmm... that's a tough one.

I've told some friends with the thought that I'd like to see if they are interested. But I've also told a really close friend simply because I wanted to be open with her about it - and that's it.

Tough one.
I'm interested in who people will respond with.

~Piggy

**Alura** · 03-10-2004, 07:11 AM

Welcome to the board, CAM.

I had to go with "maybe" in the poll, but usually swingers won't tell their "vanilla" friends about their play activities unless they're interested. You weren't really specific about what they told you. Still, I have the impression they told you they were swinging, and taking you to a strip club was probably, in my opinion, their way of opening up the conversation to sex.

The real question here, in my opinion, is "Are you and your husband interested?"

If not, forget the incident and just keep up the friendship.

If you are interested, rather than asking if they want to play with you, I'd suggest asking some general questions, just to rekindle the subject, such as:

"How long have y'all been swinging?"

"How did you get started?"

"How do you deal with jealously?"

The questions are plentiful, and most have been dealt with on this Board. Y'all might read some of the forums (together) to familiarize yourselves with swinging before y'all open the subject again. The Archives are very helpful.

Please keep us posted on what happens and do drop by the Introductions Forums and tell us about yourselves.

Mr. Alura

Brit_Pair · 03-10-2004, 09:45 AM

I voted 'maybe', having lost the courage of my convictions as my finger travelled from the arm rest of my chair to the left mouse button.

The fact that your friend brought up this subject could (as Miss Piggy said) be taken as a sign that they're interested in playing with you, or just a friendly confession. However, the fact that she brought it up while you were at a strip-club at their invitation leans me towards the conclusion that you were being sounded out. However, that could simply be a coincidence, hence my bet-hedging.

Mr A's advice is sound IMHO. If you're not interested in playing with these folks, just forget it. If you are interested, ask a few of those general questions and see where the conversation leads you.

CAM · 03-10-2004, 09:58 AM

I certainly appreciate all of your replies!!!!!!! Any help here is great!

My hubby said I should have been more specific, soooo, i will attempt to do so. I was hesitant to state what the wife told me they "were in to" because i didn't want to betray her confidence. Hubby says no one will know who i'm talking about so i should say.

She told me that he loves her to be with another man without telling him first. When she is done she tells him and that turns him on. I was stunned actually. Never imagined it coming from them. I thought it was pretty "cool" though. Imagine that, fantasy come true! Anyway. She said he is interested in being with another woman now but she's not sure how she would be, jealous or not. She specifically told me when we were away from the guys at the ladies room. She told me not to tell anyone, except for my hubby. (I feel guilty right now saying anything actually.)

The fact that they thought we were swinging with another couple already (why they thought that i'm not sure) lends itself to the idea that they thought we might be interested with them. Also, the fact that her hubby and i have a history and we are comfortable with them may have let them feel comfortable mentioning it to us.

I am just so naieve that i can't be sure what to think and i'm kind of afraid to discuss it with them. I know i won't be judgmental but we have never really thought about it before, out loud at least. I think i would be more willing to try it than my hubby is, although i could be wrong about that.

We E-mailed them a general, "had a great time, lets get together again" note and they responded in turn but mentioned another strip club we should go to.....

I'm nervous about this whole thing, but very curious.

Thanks again CAM ( and thanks to all who welcomed us...not sure we're ready for introductions yet (shy) but when, and if, we do we'll let ya know....

**Alura** · 03-10-2004, 11:27 AM

It seems to me, CAM, that you and your husband have a lot of talking to do. The two of you need to decide whether y'all want to have sex with your friends, or not. I would recommend that y'all be sure to have your agreements made before the next evening at the strip club in order to be operating from the same base.

Read a lot of the New Swinger Forum and, particularly, read the thread on "signals."

We've found the best way to open a conversation is to ask a question that is not an invitation and cannot be answered with "Yes" or "No." Kinda like the essay questions you had to answer in college. For instance: "Betty Ann, last time we talked you said Billy Bob wants you to be with another man. How do you feel about that?"

This is exciting! Mrs. Alura and I really like the "seduction" part, the "chase", if you will, of new partners. We've had a lot of fun, "plotting" subtly together, although we always have waited for the first "proposition" to come from the other couple. We've been successful three times and all friendships have lasted for years.

Your friends sound like a great couple to have as playmates. Good Luck!

Mr. Alura

SexhoundDog · 03-10-2004, 12:13 PM

CAM,
I totally agree with Alura, particularly after reading your comment about you thinking you might like to swing more than your husband. Without a doubt, you need to see that your main man and you are on the same page! If you are, then regardless of whether you try to approach your friends or not, then at least the two of you are ready should an opportunity arise that you'd both like to pursue.

I think your friends were trying to feel you out, at least the wife. The fact that they want you to go to a strip club again means they're at least comfortable about it with you, whether fantasy in their mind, or wanting to make it reality. It sounds like you've got a good rapport with the other woman and she's trying to get you to open up more. The fact that she divulged to you her husband enjoying her with other men indicates that. I don't know what kind of relation both husbands have with one another, but if you and your husband are on the same page, I think it would be extremely easy for you two females to instigate whatever action you'd like.

From what I read, you're in the driver's seat, Baby!

DandS · 03-10-2004, 12:14 PM

Dito

I agree with Mr. Alura. Mr and Mrs CAM need to talk with each other to discuss what they want, how far they are willing to take this, what their boundries are, etc. prior to talking further with their friends.

Have your husbands had any conversations at all or has it just been between you and the other wife?

D.

CAM · 03-10-2004, 12:37 PM

Oh, the hubby and i have talked about this several times since it was brought up. The latest talk was this morning actually and it was a long talk. We have mixed feelings. I guess this brought up a bunch of things we never thought of before.

It seems hubby is interested but i think he wants me to "make the decision" one way or another and that makes me nervous. I told him if the "decision" was made that it would be both of us, 50/50, and not me. If things didn't work out for some reason with us i don't want to be to "blame", and he agreed and understood.

We agreed that we love each other (married 15 years, together 20) and want our lives to continue the way that they are as for our marriage, children, lives, etc. No "relationships" other than good friends with the other couple (you know what i mean).

We left it at me talking to the wife again about this, but that makes me nervous. I realize she opened the door to talk about it but i feel scared to call her, kind of.

ugggghhh...I NEVER thought this would ever come up in my life. I always thought "fantasy is one thing, but reality is quite another."

I wish i could have someone call her for me....hehehe...jk

Thanks again for all of the wonderful comments and help!

b_and_sc · 03-10-2004, 12:39 PM

Dito

Mr. Alura said it best

It does appear that they were feeling you out, but with everyone else, I agree that you and hubby need to talk this out before you probe for any more questions/answers from your friends.

IF you BOTH are interested in pursuing this, go for it!!! If either one of you is hesitant, then forget the 'incident' happened and just keep the friendship friendly

b

CAM · 03-10-2004, 12:40 PM

Oh yeah, sorry, answer to the question "I don't know what the husband's relationship is like":

The guys get along great. They aren't best friends but get along very well. They have several common interests and seem to genuinely like each other. We have been friends as couples for "years" now and have done things with them and their family and ours. Camping, dinner, etc.

Initially i was friends with the other hubby in school (years ago) and his wife was dating him off and on in school as well so i've known her for "years" also. We all get along quite well actually but i was friends with them and introduced them to my hubby way back when.

There's always that "their your friends" thing, but in reality they're his friends as well.

Thanks again

biblonde · 03-10-2004, 01:31 PM

from what you have said i truly believe that the wife was feeling you out on this subject. I would talk to her again and let her know that your conversation has brought up talk between you and your hubby although you arent sure this is something that you two are sure you want to do at this time. Let her know that you are curious about it and not ruling it out but that maybe the four of you should sit down and discuss this further. But most of all you and your hubby need to really talk about this alot and make sure you 2 go as slow as the slowest person!!! No pressure. If these two are as good a friends as you say they will realize you 2 need time to make sure this is what you really want to be doing.

my 2 cents for the day...hope it helps

CAM · 03-10-2004, 01:39 PM

I just want to thank you all for the great insights and help we have received in such a short period of time. This really is helping the situation for us. Since we have never discussed this before it is helping tremendously. I feel better about asking the wife more about the subject she brought up and feel confident that we can talk about it without any pressure now.

Whew...what a relief i feel and i haven't even called her yet!

Thanks so much to all of you for your kindness!

Sincerely,
CAM (oh, and any other comments are still welcomed!)

**Alura** · 03-10-2004, 02:20 PM

Hey, CAM,

It looks like you and your husband are progressing nicely in understanding each other. A lot of men would want their wives to say unequiocably that they want to swing first. We guys have such a reputation for being sexual predators, a lot of us, myself included, want to be sure we're not pushing her into it. Still, it seems to me your husband has said, "Go for it, Babe, if you want to..."

So... Do you want to do this?

Some years ago Mrs. Alura and I decided we'd like to have sex with our high school sweethearts simply because we didn't do it then. We get a chance every five years when the reunions are held and have more fun trying to plan to make it happen. Actually, it did happen for me and my HSS a few years ago. We're still thinking about her's...

Here's the phone call Mrs. Alura would make: "Hey, Betty Ann, I'm going shopping at Miss Jackson's tomorrow. They have a 5% off sale! Would you like to join me and have lunch at The Hideaway?" Then talk even more with your husband tonight... Don't have sex, now, y'heah?

Thanks for keeping us updated!

Mr. Alura

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03-09-2004, 10:59 PM	#1 (permalink)
CAM Registered Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 5 Location: United States Status: Couple	Are we being approached to swing? We have never really considered swinging before but recently the idea was presented to us by some friends. My question: We are confused, my husband and I, about whether or not we were actually approached about this or if it is our naievety or inexperience. Our good friends, known them for 20 plus years and go out to dinner, etc. with them, recently let us in on a secret that they are kind of in to different things. The wife approached me and told me about the things they have done...just in conversation i believe. But...during that conversation she said that they thought we were swinging with another couple we hang out with. My answer was..really? you did? No we are not doing that. I did answer in a very positive way and not judgmental. (did i mention we were at a strip club with this couple at their invitation?) The question is this...were they "feeling us out" to see if we were open to this lifestyle or is it our imagination? Please help! Don't want to assume anything, and don't want to lose their friendship either! They're terrific friends! We love hanging out with them, and quite frankly I had a crush on the husband when we were teenagers. Looking for answers and any are appreciated

03-09-2004, 11:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
good times Mod Squad Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 6,403 Location: Reno, Nevada Status: Married to Mrs Good Times SLS Name:randp	Welcome Hard to say from what you said, but assuming they indicated that they are swingers, why not just ask if the reason she brought it up was that they wanted to play with you? You may have to put a little thought into how to phrase the question so as not to put them on the spot but I think given your confusion it wouldn't be inappropriate to inquire further. __________________ R (He is R, she is P)

03-10-2004, 01:28 AM	#3 (permalink)
Miss_Piggy mildly abnormal Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 1,404 Location: Sometimes Canada Status: I'm with Kermit Blog Entries: 2	Hmm... that's a tough one. I've told some friends with the thought that I'd like to see if they are interested. But I've also told a really close friend simply because I wanted to be open with her about it - and that's it. Tough one. I'm interested in who people will respond with. ~Piggy __________________ I feel that a woman doesn't have to be called 'Ms.' in order to be a woman of her own making. I believe 'Miss' allows moi to be a woman, and my karate can get me anything else

03-10-2004, 07:11 AM	#4 (permalink)
Alura T-Town Playmates Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 6,114 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Married to Mrs. Alura	Welcome to the board, CAM. I had to go with "maybe" in the poll, but usually swingers won't tell their "vanilla" friends about their play activities unless they're interested. You weren't really specific about what they told you. Still, I have the impression they told you they were swinging, and taking you to a strip club was probably, in my opinion, their way of opening up the conversation to sex. The real question here, in my opinion, is "Are you and your husband interested?" If not, forget the incident and just keep up the friendship. If you are interested, rather than asking if they want to play with you, I'd suggest asking some general questions, just to rekindle the subject, such as: "How long have y'all been swinging?" "How did you get started?" "How do you deal with jealously?" The questions are plentiful, and most have been dealt with on this Board. Y'all might read some of the forums (together) to familiarize yourselves with swinging before y'all open the subject again. The Archives are very helpful. Please keep us posted on what happens and do drop by the Introductions Forums and tell us about yourselves. Mr. Alura Last edited by Alura : 03-10-2004 at 07:18 AM.

03-10-2004, 09:45 AM	#5 (permalink)
Brit_Pair Active Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 3,635 Location: UK Status: Couple	I voted 'maybe', having lost the courage of my convictions as my finger travelled from the arm rest of my chair to the left mouse button. The fact that your friend brought up this subject could (as Miss Piggy said) be taken as a sign that they're interested in playing with you, or just a friendly confession. However, the fact that she brought it up while you were at a strip-club at their invitation leans me towards the conclusion that you were being sounded out. However, that could simply be a coincidence, hence my bet-hedging. Mr A's advice is sound IMHO. If you're not interested in playing with these folks, just forget it. If you are interested, ask a few of those general questions and see where the conversation leads you. __________________ *It's not going to be an orgy. It's a toga party . . .*

03-10-2004, 09:58 AM	#6 (permalink)
CAM Registered Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 5 Location: United States Status: Couple	I certainly appreciate all of your replies!!!!!!! Any help here is great! My hubby said I should have been more specific, soooo, i will attempt to do so. I was hesitant to state what the wife told me they "were in to" because i didn't want to betray her confidence. Hubby says no one will know who i'm talking about so i should say. She told me that he loves her to be with another man without telling him first. When she is done she tells him and that turns him on. I was stunned actually. Never imagined it coming from them. I thought it was pretty "cool" though. Imagine that, fantasy come true! Anyway. She said he is interested in being with another woman now but she's not sure how she would be, jealous or not. She specifically told me when we were away from the guys at the ladies room. She told me not to tell anyone, except for my hubby. (I feel guilty right now saying anything actually.) The fact that they thought we were swinging with another couple already (why they thought that i'm not sure) lends itself to the idea that they thought we might be interested with them. Also, the fact that her hubby and i have a history and we are comfortable with them may have let them feel comfortable mentioning it to us. I am just so naieve that i can't be sure what to think and i'm kind of afraid to discuss it with them. I know i won't be judgmental but we have never really thought about it before, out loud at least. I think i would be more willing to try it than my hubby is, although i could be wrong about that. We E-mailed them a general, "had a great time, lets get together again" note and they responded in turn but mentioned another strip club we should go to..... I'm nervous about this whole thing, but very curious. Thanks again CAM ( and thanks to all who welcomed us...not sure we're ready for introductions yet (shy) but when, and if, we do we'll let ya know....

03-10-2004, 11:27 AM	#7 (permalink)
Alura T-Town Playmates Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 6,114 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Married to Mrs. Alura	It seems to me, CAM, that you and your husband have a lot of talking to do. The two of you need to decide whether y'all want to have sex with your friends, or not. I would recommend that y'all be sure to have your agreements made before the next evening at the strip club in order to be operating from the same base. Read a lot of the New Swinger Forum and, particularly, read the thread on "signals." We've found the best way to open a conversation is to ask a question that is not an invitation and cannot be answered with "Yes" or "No." Kinda like the essay questions you had to answer in college. For instance: "Betty Ann, last time we talked you said Billy Bob wants you to be with another man. How do you feel about that?" This is exciting! Mrs. Alura and I really like the "seduction" part, the "chase", if you will, of new partners. We've had a lot of fun, "plotting" subtly together, although we always have waited for the first "proposition" to come from the other couple. We've been successful three times and all friendships have lasted for years. Your friends sound like a great couple to have as playmates. Good Luck! Mr. Alura

03-10-2004, 12:13 PM	#8 (permalink)
SexhoundDog Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 357 Location: Colorado Status: M.Male	CAM, I totally agree with Alura, particularly after reading your comment about you thinking you might like to swing more than your husband. Without a doubt, you need to see that your main man and you are on the same page! If you are, then regardless of whether you try to approach your friends or not, then at least the two of you are ready should an opportunity arise that you'd both like to pursue. I think your friends were trying to feel you out, at least the wife. The fact that they want you to go to a strip club again means they're at least comfortable about it with you, whether fantasy in their mind, or wanting to make it reality. It sounds like you've got a good rapport with the other woman and she's trying to get you to open up more. The fact that she divulged to you her husband enjoying her with other men indicates that. I don't know what kind of relation both husbands have with one another, but if you and your husband are on the same page, I think it would be extremely easy for you two females to instigate whatever action you'd like. From what I read, you're in the driver's seat, Baby!

03-10-2004, 12:14 PM	#9 (permalink)
DandS Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 318 Location: Memphis Status: Married Couple	Dito I agree with Mr. Alura. Mr and Mrs CAM need to talk with each other to discuss what they want, how far they are willing to take this, what their boundries are, etc. prior to talking further with their friends. Have your husbands had any conversations at all or has it just been between you and the other wife? D.

03-10-2004, 12:37 PM	#10 (permalink)
CAM Registered Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 5 Location: United States Status: Couple	Oh, the hubby and i have talked about this several times since it was brought up. The latest talk was this morning actually and it was a long talk. We have mixed feelings. I guess this brought up a bunch of things we never thought of before. It seems hubby is interested but i think he wants me to "make the decision" one way or another and that makes me nervous. I told him if the "decision" was made that it would be both of us, 50/50, and not me. If things didn't work out for some reason with us i don't want to be to "blame", and he agreed and understood. We agreed that we love each other (married 15 years, together 20) and want our lives to continue the way that they are as for our marriage, children, lives, etc. No "relationships" other than good friends with the other couple (you know what i mean). We left it at me talking to the wife again about this, but that makes me nervous. I realize she opened the door to talk about it but i feel scared to call her, kind of. ugggghhh...I NEVER thought this would ever come up in my life. I always thought "fantasy is one thing, but reality is quite another." I wish i could have someone call her for me....hehehe...jk Thanks again for all of the wonderful comments and help!

03-10-2004, 12:39 PM	#11 (permalink)
b_and_sc Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 112 Location: Michigan Status: couple	Dito Mr. Alura said it best It does appear that they were feeling you out, but with everyone else, I agree that you and hubby need to talk this out before you probe for any more questions/answers from your friends. IF you BOTH are interested in pursuing this, go for it!!! If either one of you is hesitant, then forget the 'incident' happened and just keep the friendship friendly b

03-10-2004, 12:40 PM	#12 (permalink)
CAM Registered Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 5 Location: United States Status: Couple	Oh yeah, sorry, answer to the question "I don't know what the husband's relationship is like": The guys get along great. They aren't best friends but get along very well. They have several common interests and seem to genuinely like each other. We have been friends as couples for "years" now and have done things with them and their family and ours. Camping, dinner, etc. Initially i was friends with the other hubby in school (years ago) and his wife was dating him off and on in school as well so i've known her for "years" also. We all get along quite well actually but i was friends with them and introduced them to my hubby way back when. There's always that "their your friends" thing, but in reality they're his friends as well. Thanks again

03-10-2004, 01:31 PM	#13 (permalink)
biblonde Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 1,020 Location: sacramento Status: couple SLS Name:curious1918	from what you have said i truly believe that the wife was feeling you out on this subject. I would talk to her again and let her know that your conversation has brought up talk between you and your hubby although you arent sure this is something that you two are sure you want to do at this time. Let her know that you are curious about it and not ruling it out but that maybe the four of you should sit down and discuss this further. But most of all you and your hubby need to really talk about this alot and make sure you 2 go as slow as the slowest person!!! No pressure. If these two are as good a friends as you say they will realize you 2 need time to make sure this is what you really want to be doing. my 2 cents for the day...hope it helps

03-10-2004, 01:39 PM	#14 (permalink)
CAM Registered Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 5 Location: United States Status: Couple	I just want to thank you all for the great insights and help we have received in such a short period of time. This really is helping the situation for us. Since we have never discussed this before it is helping tremendously. I feel better about asking the wife more about the subject she brought up and feel confident that we can talk about it without any pressure now. Whew...what a relief i feel and i haven't even called her yet! Thanks so much to all of you for your kindness! Sincerely, CAM (oh, and any other comments are still welcomed!)

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03-10-2004, 02:20 PM	#15 (permalink)
Alura T-Town Playmates Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 6,114 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Married to Mrs. Alura	Hey, CAM, It looks like you and your husband are progressing nicely in understanding each other. A lot of men would want their wives to say unequiocably that they want to swing first. We guys have such a reputation for being sexual predators, a lot of us, myself included, want to be sure we're not pushing her into it. Still, it seems to me your husband has said, "Go for it, Babe, if you want to..." So... Do you want to do this? Some years ago Mrs. Alura and I decided we'd like to have sex with our high school sweethearts simply because we didn't do it then. We get a chance every five years when the reunions are held and have more fun trying to plan to make it happen. Actually, it did happen for me and my HSS a few years ago. We're still thinking about her's... Here's the phone call Mrs. Alura would make: "Hey, Betty Ann, I'm going shopping at Miss Jackson's tomorrow. They have a 5% off sale! Would you like to join me and have lunch at The Hideaway?" Then talk even more with your husband tonight... Don't have sex, now, y'heah? Thanks for keeping us updated! Mr. Alura Last edited by Alura : 03-10-2004 at 02:24 PM.

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