Letting others at a social know we are there to play?

[Soscol]

We've been to 4 dance socials and still can't seem to gain any interest from any of the other couples. We're more attractive then not, in our late 30's, dress well, polite and not aggressive. We can't even seem to start a conversation with anyone! We smile alot but even that doesn't help. What can we do to let other couples know that WE ARE THERE TO PLAY? PS-We don't want to "get it on" with just anyone either, but even just a friendly conversation would be welcome.

[R&C]

It can be difficult to break in at some clubs. It may just take some time hanging around for people to get comfortable with you. Another thing that may help is if it is an on site club, just go and play with your spouse. It will communicate why you are there. It may help break the ice.

[hottimes854]

Hi, we've been to 2 dances in the sacramento area, the first was New Years 2000. we were excited to go to our first dance no one said hi ,no one asked you to dance, I asked two men to dance which they did, my husband asked ladies to danced they just looked at him ( and as you said) we are more attractive than not being attractive, no one was friendly even if you tried to start a conversation, our 2nd dance 2001 New Years now we were more confident in our selves, and this time to just go and have fun dancing and enjoy the atmosphere, and we had a blast meet 2 new coulpes, people were friendly . I think some people have there eye on some one and they think if they talk to you (we might think they want to be with us ) so they just don't say hi or any thing even ask you to dance . try try again

[Stratecpl]

Soscol,

Sounds like the parties at our local club... everyone was so cliquish that they wouldn't talk to you or anything. We finally just threw our thoughts away and said "To hell with it all" and just went to be with each other. Then, everyone became a lot friendlier. I really believe it all stems from people being afraid of rejection. If they don't ask, they won't be rejected. A lot like when we were teenagers..... seeing good-looking people we'd give our eye teeth to meet, but chose to admire them from a distance because that way, you couldn't be rejected. Lots of insecurities then, and it obviously carries through to our adult lives as well. In time, they will get enough courage to "go for it" and get acquainted with you. It just takes time.

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

[JustAskJulie]

Well three things come to mind.

1) Are you just sitting in a corner smiling at people and not actually moving
and talking to people? You can't expect everyone to come to you.

2) Do you come off with an attitude that you are pretty people? Perhaps
your looks are better than your personality?

3) Perhaps you are just soooo good looking that people feel intimidated
by you and therefore think they wouldn't have a chance with you. This
one takes us back to the first one in that you have to make a move rather
than waiting on everyone else to do it.

Something as simple as walking up and saying hello and starting a conversation.
This isn't aggressive, it's just being friendly and a very easy way to let people
know that you are interested.

Also, like Hottime said, go there with the point of having fun with each other. Don't worry about the other people. Make fun for yourselves. If people see that you are there having fun, they are likely to be more receptive to you than if they feel like you are just there waiting for something to happen.

[danc694u]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie:
Something as simple as walking up and saying hello and starting a conversation.
This isn't aggressive, it's just being friendly and a very easy way to let people
know that you are interested.

You get a big Ditto from us for that part.

There's no way to stress it enough. We go out of our way sometimes to introduce ourselves to as many new faces as we can. To hell with what they think of us afterwards.

On the other hand. We've been in those same shoes. No matter what we done, we could not "get in" the group. We switched clubs! And it worked.

Now, I guess we're considered part of that "group". But, we both remember what it was like being outside. So we try to meet someone new at every party. Even if it's just to say hi.

Bottom Line: People react to you. Not just your looks! If you appear to be having a good time and actively seeking other people out. They are more likely to approach you. It's simple actually. If you give ANY appearance of not wanting to be there. Then people will avoid you because you may not have come willingly. And the last thing any of us want, is to get caught up in another couples issues.

[ 03-28-2002: Message edited by: danc694u ]

[hottimes854]

you said it right Julie just go and have fun with yourselves and things will change,other people want to be part of the fun and they see you enjoying yourselves you'll be a magnet. Have a great day// spring is in the air

[Stratecpl]

I never go with expectations of hooking up anymore..I just go to get the chance to dirty dance and have fun with Ron! The people in our club are very cliquish. It's not us or attitude or anything like that...we all sit around the pool and chat for hours before the party..but once the party starts they all got to their regular little cliques for sex. We've been accepted as pool buddies..but not accepted into the cliques. Oh well

Connie

[ 03-28-2002: Message edited by: Stratecpl ]

[HoustonCpl]

I have a question which may also be an answer in these situations. Do you smoke.
We are smokers and have wondered what impact this has with other couples when we go to parties. We always bring mouth wash and gum with us. We wear perfume and cologne. How do most of the non-smokers feel about hooking up with a couple that smokes?

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by HoustonCpl:
How do most of the non-smokers feel about hooking up with a couple that smokes?

My feelings are that smoking is only one of many issues. As smokers we have no problems socializing. A high percentage of people smoke and most that don't aren't overly sensitive to it. I have found that many people at clubs over indulge in alcohol and to me that ranks high on my list of red flags. We never drink more than one or two drinks and absolutely cannot stand drunks that are obnoxious or talk a mile a minute not listening to one word said back to them. There is nothing more unappealing than trying to flirt or carry on with someone that smells like a brewery and talks like they have the wisdom of Aristotle on any and every subject. I had a drunk woman tell me in an unsoliceted way that I was a good looking man but would do much better with females if I would just act more wild at socials. WHEW thanks!! LOL Meanwhile her strap was falling off everytime she moved and she was missing the ashtray everytime she tried to flick an ash that was about the lenght of her ciggarette. Her hubby who was also half a sheet in the wind took it upon himself to tell the club owner how to completely redecorate the club. Some of his suggestions were to add a second floor to a large section of an already huge building and to pave the parking lot because it was rainin that day.OH and he owned an ashphalt company btw. The club owner (who is very outspoken most of the time )listened as if she really was taking it into consideration. Of course I don't think she was going to put about 75,000 dollars into the project anyhow.

Also some new comers especially feel like they HAVE to have a few before they get the courage to come into the place. That is ok if they just slow down when they are there. I have witnessed some very nice people get falling down drunk and obnoxious so many times.

My biggest pet peeve are the joint sneakers. They find a quiet place and light up a joint thinking no one will notice. Of course pot odor carries all over the building and puts the club and patrons at risk.

Heavy drinking and drugs are the biggest no-no's in my humble opinion.

I do however make a point of not smoking with non-smokers without asking if they mind. IF they do then I simply don't smoke around them.

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by HoustonCpl:
I have a question which may also be an answer in these situations. Do you smoke.
We are smokers and have wondered what impact this has with other couples when we go to parties. We always bring mouth wash and gum with us. We wear perfume and cologne. How do most of the non-smokers feel about hooking up with a couple that smokes?

Every couple we've swung with so far smokes. For us, it's a non issue. Smokers or non, we'd hope everyone we're ready to go to bed with would take the time to brush their teeth and use mouthwash, as we do.

We do, however, find it curious that so many in this lifestyle smoke. Judging by our personal experience, it seems to be higher than the average number of smokers among the general population, but that could just be a fluke as far as those we've been with so far. But just last weekend, we met a very nice couple, and once again, she smokes. No big deal, but there does seem to be a definite trend.

Dan

[JustAskJulie]

We are both non-smokers and smoking does tend to affect the chances of something happening with some couples we meet. There is more to ciggarette smell than just breath, it sticks to your clothes and your hair. If I smell it it's a turn off. That said when we are in a night club or someplace where smoking is more prevalent than not, I don't notice it as much. However, in a situation where few people are smoking it becomes much more noticable.

I agree on the drinking factor as well. It seems like you can't make it through a party without seeing at least a couple of people who due to too many drinks spend more time in the bathroom than having fun. Why bother?

[Stratecpl]

Just like Dan said, we don't smoke either but find that almost all swingers DO smoke. At least all that we have been with. We really don't care if they smoke, it's their lungs and their health. But at least brush your teeth and gargle before trying to stick your tongue down our throats, LOL!!! And don't blow smoke in our faces, we don't enjoy being squinty-eyed.

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl