Approaching a couple when you don't know if they swing or not?

[Titon]

Hello all, first time post here. I have lurked for a while but now i need a bit of advice from some of you experts.

For sometime now my wife and i have been fantasizing about other people in our relationship. As a matter of fact a few years ago we had a threesome with a female friend of ours. That night was erotic as all get out but we have not done anything since. Mostly because of our two young children and not enough time in the day to do anything else but take care of them and work. For about the last year my wife has been very attracted to one of her co-workers. Now she is not the most open person in the world so we have been settling for basically fantasizing about him and my wife together. To be honest with you it's a real turn on. Our sex life as of late has been suffering and i needed to find a way to open it up again. The first thing i did was write my wife and erotic story revolving around one of her fantasies with this man. I'm telling ya she never came as hard as she did the other night. She really wants to persue this other man. They both flirt back and forth all the time together so i do know there is a mutual attraction. Here's the tricky part. He is also married. I'm attracted to his wife as well but i do not know if she is attracted to me. Sometimes i feel she is, other times i don't know. I do have this feeling that this man wants to take my wife and maybe even have her join him and his wife for a threesome. I just have that feeling. I know that if my wife uttered one word to him about getting together he'd do it in a second. I want to be involved though in order to protect both sides in this. The flirting between my wife and this other man is constantly there and i want to find out if there is a possibility of the other woman and myself getting together. Can you give a guy a bit of advice to work with? Do we just blurt it out and ask? I mean i don't want to loose the friendship and look like an ass seeing something that isn't there? How do we break the barrier here? My wife wants it and i'm trying to figure out how to get it to her? And me as well.

Thanks guys.

[ciscosv]

Hi Titon. Sounds like an interesting situation. I am not one to mix business and pleasure. I have one question for you.

Does your wife like her job?

If all is well, see if your wife can slot them in for a night out with you two. Remember this guy is married and his wife should be involved. (MO) Would you want your wife cheating behind your back? There are ways of hinting around the idea and getting the answers you will need to proceed. They are short simple questions or lead ins like, "Have you guys ever heard about swinging?" or 'We just found out that a couple of our friends are swingers. What do you think about that?" See where that may lead....

[negacpl]

Why don't you invite them to dinner and maybe drinks after at a mutual place. Can you line up a babysitter or maybe have the kids spend the night somewhere??? If you can, invite them back to your place for drinks (that way if need be they can stay without having to D/D). Don't push yourself on them but possibly some light flirting to see where you stand with them and if there is any possibility to go further with it. You may develop a friendship where you can talk with him and your wife with her.... Who knows they maybe thinking the same thing.

[Titon]

THanks for the responses you guys. The thing is we have been out with this couple on many occassions. There does seem to be sexual tension between all involved. The other man's wife is the key though. I would never want my wife to pursue something that would damage someone else's marriage. An attraction is an attraction and we can gain alot of fun just by fantasizing rather than an actual experience. Personally i would rather have a mutual agreement with all parties concerned. An understanding if you will that no one will have sex unless the other's partner is informed about it. I realize in some cases this may not happen. Sex has a tendency to cloud peoples judgement and they make an irrational move that will damage not only there mental states but there working enviroment. I can see that some ground rules between my wife and myself have to be set first before experiencing anything. We do have a dinner planned with there family and ours on Saturday. I know nothing is going to happen at this time but for myself i have to find a way to find out if his wife is interested in me. All you women in here, any ideas that you can tell a guy that would be a sign of interest?

[ November 05, 2002, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: Titon ]

[JustAskJulie]

Based on what you've said, I'm assuming you already have a non-business relationship with them. YOu mentioned you had been out with them as a 4-some in the past.

Does your wife talk to the wife of this guy? If not, she should. Have her talk the other wife and bring up the subject of swinging (along the lines of what Ciscosv mentioned). She can simply ask some basic questions as a lead in then if the other woman reacts positively, she can proceed from there by telling her that the two of you have been considering it. See how that goes and if it's still positive then she can tell her that the two of you have been fantasizing about the two of them...

[ciscosv]

Based on what you've said, I'm assuming you already have a non-business relationship with them. YOu mentioned you had been out with them as a 4-some in the past.

Does your wife talk to the wife of this guy? If not, she should. Have her talk the other wife and bring up the subject of swinging (along the lines of what Ciscosv mentioned). She can simply ask some basic questions as a lead in then if the other woman reacts positively, she can proceed from there by telling her that the two of you have been considering it. See how that goes and if it's still positive then she can tell her that the two of you have been fantasizing about the two of them

I knew you would have the better answer Julie. We never have been in a situation like this but it reminds me of qualifiying the opprortunity/sale with trial closes. But, in this case you will have to stop if there is an objection.

Good luck!

[JustAskJulie]

AH, the only difference between my answer and your answer was to have the women talk it out alone. I think it could still work if brought up in the group situation as well. The only thing is that sometimes women are more open with women and men with men than they would be in a group.

[Titon]

Thanks again! One question. I was thinking of how this could proceed. I know my wife and she will not do anything without first letting me know, or for that matter asking. My question is this, what if my wife was to ask him if he is attracted to her? They both are sensible people and not do anything to damage either marriage. If they communicate there desires to each other maybe they can break the ground between both parties? I have a feeling that there has been discussion about this type of thing between them as well. The one positive it would be is that 3 of us would be aware of the sitiuation. Comments?

[sportync]

Titon, your question about attraction seems to be already answered....all of that flirting means something, right? I would suggest getting together with them for a game of cards, and if the flirting continues, maybe suggest switching to strip-poker. If all are comfortable with that, then most of your other questions will be answered for you. I did like the idea of having the wives talk things over. Your wife might get her alone and just tell her, "your husband sure is sexy....maybe we could trade partners for a little while." See how the other girl reacts, and take it from there. Sportync

[dave_susie2001]

Truth or Dare. If played right, it's a great way to find out where another couple stands. Everyone always starts out with a "Truth", so start your questions with something like, "When did you loose your virginity?" And progress up to things like, "Have you every had group sex? Have you ever thought about it?" etc. You can work in swinging very easily. And if it looks like they're not into it, you can change directions to a more "normal" line of questioning.

When it comes to the dare part...well, use your imagination!

Only opinion that I have to say about this particular situation that you are in is that I choose not to find my playmates where I get my paycheck. "But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong!"

Good luck.

[sexualhealingmn]

Hi fellow Minnesotan!
My opinion would be not to push whether his husband is attracted to your wife, or his wife is attracted to you -- you've already established that you're friends....that's a great beginning. You don't necessarily want to freak this other couple out by bringing up swapping right away...unless your wife has had a conversation with his wife first, like Julie suggested. My suggestion would be that when you have an occasion to be alone with them (just the 4 of you) you and your wife maybe start kissing and possibly showing some clevage, go as far as you feel comfortable with at the time... get some sensual atmosphere going. There is nothing wrong with starting out as "soft swinging" - they might also take your lead and start kissing...and just watching each other can be very erotic....and if nothing more than that happens the first night -- then maybe another time something will...but I would move slowly....don't want to loose good friends through all of this!
Just my two cents --
The other half of SexualHealingMN

[JustAskJulie]

Lots of great responses here. Another great game to use to just get a feel for people and lead into some soft-swing scenarios is one called "Intimate Details". It acts a lot like "Truth or Dare" in so far as letting you get to know things about the people you are playing with. The game is pretty much a waste tho with anyone you are already swinging with.

And to add to SportyNC's post about getting a sensual atmosphere going, a good movie would work great for that. Maybe Wild Orchid or 91/2 weeks.

You should be able to find the game in your local adult bookstore or online.

[Alura]

With your description of the flirting and the friendship, Titon, we think exchanged kisses would propel this relationship into high gear. The question is how to bring that about without freaking out your friends in the unlikely event that you have misread them.

The holidays are coming up and mistletoe will be everywhere. During your dinner party you could have sprigs pinned to the ceiling above all four chairs where the two couples will sit. They may well see it and take advantage of it themselves. If kisses happen, don't allow them to be innocent pecks. Make them sexy. There could be a nervous pause after the first kiss. If so, try "Uh, that was nice! Can we do that again?" If the kisses bring about a shortness of breath for all of you, simply ask, "Uh, gee, how do y'all feel about swinging?"

We think that will open up all kinds of communication. Let us know how well it works!

Alura

[ November 06, 2002, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: Alura ]

[sportync]

Alura, I loved the idea of the misletoe! If that works, you could hit them with: "Knock knock"
"who's there?" "Les" "Les who?" "Les quit foolin' around and get naked!" or "Knock knock" "who's there?" "Butch and Jimmy" "Butch and Jimmy who?" "Butch yer arms around me and Jimmy some of that good stuff!" Sportync

[Alura]

Loved your "knock, knock" jokes, Sporty. Hell, the kissing, itself, may not end until tomorrow morning about nine o'clock! Be positive!

Alura