Attraction or no attraction?

[lordnladylawren]

We recently began chatting with a couple online and we really hit it off. We chatted for a few days, then traded some photos. There was absolutely no attraction for M'Lady or M'Lord. We could see us becoming friends and maybe getting together occasionally, but I don't see anything sexual ever taking place. They have however planned our first tryst. We have not replied yet not knowing what to say. The last thing I want is hurt feelings. Does anyone have any suggestions for handling a very uncomfortable situation?

[gaznrachy]

You don't have to fancy people to be good friends with them.

Personally I would just be honest with them and say how much you like them etc as your post, but explain that the physical chemistry is not quite there.

It would be natural to be offended, I would be. But at the end of the day it's better to be honest and up front about these things, after all it is an adults game

I'm sure they'll understand and if not....well life can be like that!

This is just my opinion and others may disagree yet.

Please wait for other replies before making your minds up. There are some great people out there with some fantastic advice.

Good luck

[intuition897]

Hi lordnladylawren, Welcome to the board!

As gaznrachy suggested, honesty is the best policy. As newbies, consider this exercise your first lesson in tact and diplomacy. Turning people down politely is a skill that is acquired (hopefully) very quickly in the game.

I am guessing that this other couple are new to swinging as well? I say that because they seem to have expectations of their meeting with you both, and it's been our experience that experienced swingers tend to learn that the only thing they should ever expect is the unexpected. Not a big deal, but they're about to find out that just because they think you're hot, it doesn't make the feelings mutual.

Don't let the time go by without answering them, thereby "stringing them along". Their time is valuable, as is yours; if you know this isn't going to work out, don't let them go to the extra time and expense of booking a hotel room or otherwise spending extra time and money on something that will, in the end, be disappointment. If I were you, I'd let them know right away that while they seem like really cool people that you'd like to get to know better, you don't think that there is any physical chemistry going on, and that both of you consider physical chemistry really important. Saving them time and expense shows respect and consideration; if they're smart, they'll appreciate that.

Don't be surprised, however, if they get all huffy and pissy. Rejection sucks, no matter how you put it. I was surprised at how pissy I got when one half of a couple we once wrote to said I "wasn't their type". I laughed at how egotistical I was to be shocked. "They can't be serious?! I'm everybody's type!!" :rollseyes Yeah...right. So my best advice is to do your best to stow the ego ASAP, because it doesn't do anyone any favours. I'm still trying to stuff mine in the closet, and I sometimes have a tough time keeping the door shut.

Good luck to you both!

[Sweet_Candy]

We use this for just these occasions and we picked it up here on the forums. We can modify it if needed as well.

Thanks for the interest. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

We've gotten numerous emails back from using this reply thanking us for our honesty. The negative replies have come back from those we've turned down because they smoke when we mention that is the reason why. Good luck!

[lovedoctor]

Originally Posted by intuition897

I'm still trying to stuff mine in the closet, and I sometimes have a tough time keeping the door shut.

LOL, Ain't it the truth?

In our case, I have avoided asking some people that I find attractive but I thought that they wouldn't find us attractive. Then there are those that we don't find attractive. That narrows down the field a lot! But they do get their undies in a bundle no matter how diplomatic you are!

Now that we have a little more self-confidence it wouldn't be so bad being turned down. Still, it will be a bruise to the ego when it happens. I always send photos before even beginning to chat so if someone doesn't want to play with us based on looks, I won't waste any time on them!

I was wondering, Lord and Lady: Are you absolutely sure that you wouldn't get beyond whatever you saw in their photos that turned you off? Since you liked them to start with, there may be chemistry there even if you don't think they are "hot" from first look at pictures. I mean, don't do something you don't want to, I was just thinking that there are some people who we wouldn't have thought of getting naked based on their looks, that are still so darn adorable that we can't help ourselves! Chemistry is not all about looks.

Just trying to play devil's advocate, that's all... if you are absolutely sure, then you owe it to them to let 'em down gently - but don't play with words; tell them NO, not maybe.

Good luck!

[sereneiders]

I agree with everyone so far.

Just a tought... after politelly letting them know about the chemistry facts, why don't you invite them to read your post here and the answers, as for them to know how important they became for you besides the phisical lack of attraction? (and undertand it shouldn't become an issue).

I think that exposing the dilemma your lack of experience put you all into would be a way to show you're just humans, that you have values, and that you two worth a friendship.

[sexyshelby]

I'll Dito everyone else.

But, if you like this couple as friends, then let them know. If you all decide that you want to continue getting to know each other, with no sexual strings attached, then good for you. They may not be interested in this, but it can't hurt to ask if this is something you are interested in.

~SS

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Rejection sucks, no matter how you put it. I was surprised at how pissy I got when one half of a couple we once wrote to said I "wasn't their type".

I've never initiated contact to anybody from a swingers website, and I rarely do so from the vanilla site I belong to. But when I do, I always do at least 5-8 at a time. My reasoning is that while a few will respond that I'm "not their type," and some might be "temporarily off the market" but still listed, I'll get at least a couple of hits. Usually, I'm so busy following-up on the ones who do respond, that I don't have time to worry about the ones who didn't.

I don't know why it would be any different for people in the Lifestyle.

[lordnladylawren]

Thanks to all for your words of widsom. M'Lady was a good girl and was honest with this couple. Thankfully it was understood and all is well in LaLa land. Lesson learned!