How do you ask people to play?

flywithus · 01-17-2005, 07:26 PM

We're not exactly new to swinging, however, we are posed with the same issue over and over. We meet some couples that we've met on different sites outside the "club" scene, i.e., restaurant, bar, etc. Vanilla places. We talk, we decide if we truly are compatible and then, inevitably, the evening is over. Our schedules are tight and we may not get to see them again for weeks or even months! We leave KNOWING we wanted to play, but in the restaurant/vanilla bar scene... well... play just doesn't happen.

Here's the question: If you meet someone for the first time over dinner and drinks and the attraction is obviously "around the table", how do you suggest that you might want to get a hotel room or go back to their place (or ours) without offending the other couple on a first date?

What are some of your experiences in playing on a first date in a vanilla atmosphere?

Thanks!

DnHtxCPL · 01-17-2005, 07:36 PM

We have found that being open and honest about it generally works the best for us. If we're with a couple we really like and seem to click with we just tell them straight out that we like them. Keeps them from wondering what is going on. And if we would like to play we again just come out and say it. Seems that you can dance around the subject all night long sometimes and not say anything for fear of upsetting the other couple. Life is just too short for all that dancing. Just try to be as tactful as you can.

As far as playing on a first date in a vanilla atmosphere goes. We really don't like to do that in that type of environment. People tend to look at ya kinda weird. Just our .2 worth

DnH

flywithus · 01-17-2005, 08:35 PM

Thanks so much for the above post, but let me clarify... I guess my post was confusing. I didn't mean that we'd "play" in a vanilla atmosphere... I meant how and where do you move the "play" to when you're in that atmosphere to begin with. LOL Made me laugh though when you said "people look at ya kinda weird!" LOL Thanks so much! xo

DXK64114 · 01-17-2005, 08:38 PM

Well, from someone who is somewhat new . . . we have met couples in a 'neutral' environment and made it clear from the outset that we do not play on the first encounter.

When we do meet with a couple in a more conducive environment, we are loving to one another and we make it easy for the other couple to 'make a move' by separating at times . . . going to another room for snacks, etc.

It seems to work . . .

confunktion · 01-18-2005, 03:39 PM

This situation can feel very awkward, like a guy does when asking a girl out for a first date. I've always felt that you just have to ask politely - if the other couple is quality, they'll be honest and polite right back to you, whether they want to play or not. Either that, or you can be devilish and try some seduction maneuvers. Subtle at first, just like flirting. Then, depending on the reaction you get, you can turn up the heat and try to melt them into submission.

It's up to you to decide what you are comfortable doing. Always be aware of the situation and the feelings of all involved. When you get a good read on that, you'll be able to plan your next move.

Mr. Funk
It's like I was playing Risk or something...

flywithus · 01-19-2005, 09:47 AM

These posts are great! Thanks to all who are responding. Does anyone have any experiences they can share?

N&G · 01-19-2005, 10:04 AM

We say before meeting them that we don't have a problem with playing on the first date if everyone agrees, but it is not required. We expect to play on the second date however.

djjwp · 01-19-2005, 02:28 PM

Our first meeting at a public place was a disaster! The other couple (Seasoned swingers) would talk about the lifestyle very loudly and the waitress and some other customers overheard the whole conversation. We were not happy as we go to the restaurant all the time. There is a chance you take with any new couple (One you are just meeting, not necessarily new to the lifestyle) that their level of discretion does not match yours.

We now only meet at places that are very private, single booths or where seating is widely spaced. We also make sure they know what our level of comfort is when talking in open areas before we meet.

flywithus · 01-19-2005, 03:08 PM

Hey, DJJWP... notice that we're practically neighbors! Sorry to hear your first encounter was such a disaster. We've had those as well. We actually went to a local restaurant near to our house where the couple that we met with left condoms as a tip to the waitress! I was mortified! Learned our lesson there! We don't meet couples in our "regular" eating establishments anymore! Just in case! LOL

northindycpl · 01-19-2005, 06:39 PM

We don't play on a first date either, but on the second one- watch out!

it seems to be that I (Mrs Indy) just blurt out, when I sense the time is right,
"Who wants to play?"

It works like a charm everytime.

Handyman69 · 01-19-2005, 07:01 PM

We don't like to play on the first date either. Our experience was a bad one too.....but rules do go out the window when we head to places like Cherrylane esp on TTS weekend. Otherwise, we like to go home and talk about things..but like everyone else..if we go out a 2nd time then we know where things are going to go.

Oops...got another twist in the rule. We have played with a couple that we just met BUT it was a three couple party and we knew one of the couples..and we felt comfortable after sitting around for awhile and talking.

sorry...guess we don't follow the "not doing anything on the first date" all the time.

Rhonda

Purple · 01-21-2005, 02:55 PM

a date is a date... whether you are a couple with a couple or a single with a single... How do singles in the vanilla world discuss sex on a date.... same thing for us in the lifestyle.
My rule is - I "usually" do not play one the first date - if the others know that before the date... that is best. Since we chat so much before meeting, you can set to go to an out of the way vanilla place, or a lifestyle setting. You can than decide how to approch the others.
I'd like to say - at a recent meeting - we left it as "I think we click really well... we should get together & play soon." by saying that, if either party had wanted to play that day, it was an opening.

WesternSwing · 01-21-2005, 07:44 PM

We've only played with one couple on the first date, and they just came out and flat asked us if we would like to go back to their house. That didn't take any explanation. We could have backed-out and they would have been okay with it. If you are that comfortable with them, and they with you, I don't think there is any harm in just saying "Would you like to go back to our house?" or "Would you like to get a room?" I don't think they would be offended unless they were really shallow, or dense and didn't get what you meant.

As long as you leave them a way out if they don't want to, then everything should be fine.

Mr. WS

***JustAskJulie*** · 01-26-2005, 01:56 PM

I think it's important to establish up front with the couples as to whether or not THEY will play on the first date. As you've seen from many posts here, many people will not play on the first date. For those with limited schedules and a hard time setting up repeat dates that can be difficult to deal with. So it may be that you want to make sure up front that those you meet with would be interested in playing on the first date should there be a 4-way click. If you know that they are cool with it, it will make moving things to that level much easier. If you are comfortable enough with them then you can always invite them back to your place. If not, then a hotel is probably the answer - unless they offer their place as an option. Of course, if you go for a hotel then you have to deal with a whole other question of who pays (that's running around here as a topic in a place or two).

Do you guys go to on-premise clubs? I'm thinking for people in your situation where you are willing to play if there is a mutual attraction and where you have minimal time and availability that might be the best option.

24play · 01-29-2005, 10:33 AM

We've had both situations,
1. Where you go on the first date and nothing happens,
and
2. Where you go on the first date and the chemistry is just right.

Here's the trick, if you want to ask a couple home, be it on the first or second date. - YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM A PRIVATE MOMENT TO DISCUSS IT... very very NB>>>>

There's nothing that gets to me so much as when a couple asks us for
"coffee" to their house after drinks, but they don't give us a moment to at least chat to each other. I realise it's not easy, but just give it a thought.
Once, we met with a couple, and my hubby was very happy with them, but all through the night, I thought they were terrible and just wished the evening would end. Being new, and not having our secret signs sorted yet, when they invited us for coffee, he agreed, - and I secretly died on the spot.

Since then, I actually don't care what the couple think, but I make sure that I get a private little word, even a whisper to my man, to make sure that we agree.

Does anyone understand what I'm on about ???

Swingers Ads	Swinger Pics	Swinger Stories	Shopping	Featured Swingers	Swingers Clubs	Swinger Advice	Dictionary	FAQs	Swinger Links
Forums	Blogs	Search	Today's Posts	Mark Forums Read	Register

01-17-2005, 07:26 PM	#1 (permalink)
flywithus Active Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 28 Location: Latrobe PA Status: Couple	How do you ask people to play? We're not exactly new to swinging, however, we are posed with the same issue over and over. We meet some couples that we've met on different sites outside the "club" scene, i.e., restaurant, bar, etc. Vanilla places. We talk, we decide if we truly are compatible and then, inevitably, the evening is over. Our schedules are tight and we may not get to see them again for weeks or even months! We leave KNOWING we wanted to play, but in the restaurant/vanilla bar scene... well... play just doesn't happen. Here's the question: If you meet someone for the first time over dinner and drinks and the attraction is obviously "around the table", how do you suggest that you might want to get a hotel room or go back to their place (or ours) without offending the other couple on a first date? What are some of your experiences in playing on a first date in a vanilla atmosphere? Thanks!

01-17-2005, 07:36 PM	#2 (permalink)
DnHtxCPL Here to Stay Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 49 Location: D/FW Texas Status: married couple SLS Name:ngtytxcpl	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple We have found that being open and honest about it generally works the best for us. If we're with a couple we really like and seem to click with we just tell them straight out that we like them. Keeps them from wondering what is going on. And if we would like to play we again just come out and say it. Seems that you can dance around the subject all night long sometimes and not say anything for fear of upsetting the other couple. Life is just too short for all that dancing. Just try to be as tactful as you can. As far as playing on a first date in a vanilla atmosphere goes. We really don't like to do that in that type of environment. People tend to look at ya kinda weird. Just our .2 worth DnH __________________ "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

01-17-2005, 08:35 PM	#3 (permalink)
flywithus Active Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 28 Location: Latrobe PA Status: Couple	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple Thanks so much for the above post, but let me clarify... I guess my post was confusing. I didn't mean that we'd "play" in a vanilla atmosphere... I meant how and where do you move the "play" to when you're in that atmosphere to begin with. LOL Made me laugh though when you said "people look at ya kinda weird!" LOL Thanks so much! xo

01-17-2005, 08:38 PM	#4 (permalink)
DXK64114 Registered Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 3 Location: Kansas City, Missouri	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple Well, from someone who is somewhat new . . . we have met couples in a 'neutral' environment and made it clear from the outset that we do not play on the first encounter. When we do meet with a couple in a more conducive environment, we are loving to one another and we make it easy for the other couple to 'make a move' by separating at times . . . going to another room for snacks, etc. It seems to work . . .

01-18-2005, 03:39 PM	#5 (permalink)
confunktion Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 358 Location: Wisconsin Status: Widower	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple This situation can feel very awkward, like a guy does when asking a girl out for a first date. I've always felt that you just have to ask politely - if the other couple is quality, they'll be honest and polite right back to you, whether they want to play or not. Either that, or you can be devilish and try some seduction maneuvers. Subtle at first, just like flirting. Then, depending on the reaction you get, you can turn up the heat and try to melt them into submission. It's up to you to decide what you are comfortable doing. Always be aware of the situation and the feelings of all involved. When you get a good read on that, you'll be able to plan your next move. Mr. Funk It's like I was playing Risk or something... __________________ The cool points are out the window, and I'm all twisted up in the game...

01-19-2005, 09:47 AM	#6 (permalink)
flywithus Active Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 28 Location: Latrobe PA Status: Couple	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple These posts are great! Thanks to all who are responding. Does anyone have any experiences they can share?

01-19-2005, 10:04 AM	#7 (permalink)
N&G Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 116 Location: Northern New Jersey Status: Couple	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple We say before meeting them that we don't have a problem with playing on the first date if everyone agrees, but it is not required. We expect to play on the second date however.

01-19-2005, 02:28 PM	#8 (permalink)
djjwp Suffering from Hedo2 DIF Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 313 Location: Pittsburgh, PA Status: Couple SLS Name:djjwp	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple Our first meeting at a public place was a disaster! The other couple (Seasoned swingers) would talk about the lifestyle very loudly and the waitress and some other customers overheard the whole conversation. We were not happy as we go to the restaurant all the time. There is a chance you take with any new couple (One you are just meeting, not necessarily new to the lifestyle) that their level of discretion does not match yours. We now only meet at places that are very private, single booths or where seating is widely spaced. We also make sure they know what our level of comfort is when talking in open areas before we meet. __________________ Life is only as good as you make it!

01-19-2005, 03:08 PM	#9 (permalink)
flywithus Active Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 28 Location: Latrobe PA Status: Couple	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple Hey, DJJWP... notice that we're practically neighbors! Sorry to hear your first encounter was such a disaster. We've had those as well. We actually went to a local restaurant near to our house where the couple that we met with left condoms as a tip to the waitress! I was mortified! Learned our lesson there! We don't meet couples in our "regular" eating establishments anymore! Just in case! LOL

01-19-2005, 06:39 PM	#10 (permalink)
northindycpl Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 1,424 Location: Indiana Status: Blissfull SITCOM SLS Name:northindycpl	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple We don't play on a first date either, but on the second one- watch out! it seems to be that I (Mrs Indy) just blurt out, when I sense the time is right, "Who wants to play?" It works like a charm everytime. __________________ Mrs. Indy

01-19-2005, 07:01 PM	#11 (permalink)
Handyman69 Here to Stay Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 553 Location: MI..God's country.so we thought. Status: Couple SLS Name:handyman69	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple We don't like to play on the first date either. Our experience was a bad one too.....but rules do go out the window when we head to places like Cherrylane esp on TTS weekend. Otherwise, we like to go home and talk about things..but like everyone else..if we go out a 2nd time then we know where things are going to go. Oops...got another twist in the rule. We have played with a couple that we just met BUT it was a three couple party and we knew one of the couples..and we felt comfortable after sitting around for awhile and talking. sorry...guess we don't follow the "not doing anything on the first date" all the time. Rhonda

01-21-2005, 02:55 PM	#12 (permalink)
Purple Active Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 34 Location: DFW Status: BiFem SLS Name:PurpleBiF	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple a date is a date... whether you are a couple with a couple or a single with a single... How do singles in the vanilla world discuss sex on a date.... same thing for us in the lifestyle. My rule is - I "usually" do not play one the first date - if the others know that before the date... that is best. Since we chat so much before meeting, you can set to go to an out of the way vanilla place, or a lifestyle setting. You can than decide how to approch the others. I'd like to say - at a recent meeting - we left it as "I think we click really well... we should get together & play soon." by saying that, if either party had wanted to play that day, it was an opening. __________________ Live in DFW Metroplex - Hubby out of country (can not entertain, roommate) Her: Bi 27 5'7" (DD) 200lb -- Him: Het 25 6'6" 225lb

01-21-2005, 07:44 PM	#13 (permalink)
WesternSwing South of disorder Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 2,824 Location: Utah Status: Male half of married couple	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple We've only played with one couple on the first date, and they just came out and flat asked us if we would like to go back to their house. That didn't take any explanation. We could have backed-out and they would have been okay with it. If you are that comfortable with them, and they with you, I don't think there is any harm in just saying "Would you like to go back to our house?" or "Would you like to get a room?" I don't think they would be offended unless they were really shallow, or dense and didn't get what you meant. As long as you leave them a way out if they don't want to, then everything should be fine. Mr. WS __________________ "God created sex. Priests created marriage." ~ Voltaire

01-26-2005, 01:56 PM	#14 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 22,263 Location: Alabama Status: Female SLS Name:swingersboard Blog Entries: 59	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple I think it's important to establish up front with the couples as to whether or not THEY will play on the first date. As you've seen from many posts here, many people will not play on the first date. For those with limited schedules and a hard time setting up repeat dates that can be difficult to deal with. So it may be that you want to make sure up front that those you meet with would be interested in playing on the first date should there be a 4-way click. If you know that they are cool with it, it will make moving things to that level much easier. If you are comfortable enough with them then you can always invite them back to your place. If not, then a hotel is probably the answer - unless they offer their place as an option. Of course, if you go for a hotel then you have to deal with a whole other question of who pays (that's running around here as a topic in a place or two). Do you guys go to on-premise clubs? I'm thinking for people in your situation where you are willing to play if there is a mutual attraction and where you have minimal time and availability that might be the best option.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Couples that won't play with couples who play with single men	funfrkycpl	Situational HELP!	12	04-26-2008 12:17 AM
People, People -- where is the LOVE?	havefuninsun	Comment Box	7	02-16-2007 10:03 AM
Play parties? Are we going to be comfortable if we don't play?	N00bs	Swinging at Clubs/Parties/Resorts	11	07-09-2003 09:08 AM

01-29-2005, 10:33 AM	#15 (permalink)
24play Active Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 21 Location: South Africa Status: Couple	Re: What to do on a first "date" with new couple We've had both situations, 1. Where you go on the first date and nothing happens, and 2. Where you go on the first date and the chemistry is just right. Here's the trick, if you want to ask a couple home, be it on the first or second date. - YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM A PRIVATE MOMENT TO DISCUSS IT... very very NB>>>> There's nothing that gets to me so much as when a couple asks us for "coffee" to their house after drinks, but they don't give us a moment to at least chat to each other. I realise it's not easy, but just give it a thought. Once, we met with a couple, and my hubby was very happy with them, but all through the night, I thought they were terrible and just wished the evening would end. Being new, and not having our secret signs sorted yet, when they invited us for coffee, he agreed, - and I secretly died on the spot. Since then, I actually don't care what the couple think, but I make sure that I get a private little word, even a whisper to my man, to make sure that we agree. Does anyone understand what I'm on about ???

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode