Everything seemed to click, but now they aren't interested.

[DBL D]

Hello Board,

If I may beg your indulgence and ask you to consider these questions:

Is it ever proper to tell another couple or have them tell you what went wrong when a dinner meeting seemed to be going so well, or even some other stuff that you may have done together later? Or do you just swallow hard and say "Good Luck"?

We just went through a painful learning experience and were a bit shocked when the other couple wrote saying we weren't that compatible when everything seemed ok? Should you not say anything? Should you say "the girl this", or "the guy that"?

Interested in how you deal with this. We figure there are more fish in the sea but sometimes we're more than curious to know.

Male D

[N&G]

We've had the same thing happen more than a couple of times after meeting. We thought the meeting went well and the next day we would get an email saying that we were not compatible. If they gave a reason it was the opposite of what they said when we were chatting. Don't let it bother you, just move on. You will probably never find out the real reason anyway and it doesn't mean that you did anything wrong.

[BettyAnnMBSC]

Sometimes it comes down to the "back-out" when reality hits home. It has nothing to do with compatibility at all -- someone got scared.

Sometimes it really is about compatibility -- really doesn't matter what the specific reason is because you are who you are.

[Elusive BiFem]

There is certainly no harm in asking, and if the questions are worded just so, you might - just might - even get an answer. However, I'd bet that most people aren't going to be real honest in their responses. Most, I'm afraid, would give some sort of half-hearted response (if any) and really, who can blame them? For whatever reason, they've already decided they aren't interested and most likely just want to move on. Also, as has been the case with me on occasions, I have no real reason that I can put to words other than that "gut" feeling. Something just didn't strike me right. So how would I explain that? And certainly, if I've decided to veto the idea, I don't want to get into any type of long-winded (who? me? longwinded?) thing about they whys and wherefores of my decision.

So let me ask you...if you find yourself in the position of rejecting others, do you go to any great lengths to explain to them in detail exactly why? Or do you just simply say something to the effect of "we aren't compatible."

There are lots of reasons that people change their minds - lack of or changes in interests, no chemistry, time, change of mind altogether, "gut" feelings, family obligations...to name just a few. I'd just forget about it and go about my business unless it was a specific occasion that really threw me for a loop.

I don't know why, but this reminded me of something...one of my dogs. For some reason, she believes all humans were invented to pet her. Just her. She rushes up to people like some kind of lunatic with this look on her face that says, "OK, here I am. Go ahead and do your job. Pet me." Most people do. However, on the rare occasion she encounters someone that doesn't want to pet her - maybe their hands are full with groceries, maybe they're afraid of dogs - whatever - she turns and gives me the most pititful look. As if to say, "What's wrong? They aren't petting me! Fix it! What's wrong with them? Can't they see how cute I am?" I try and try to explain to her that not everyone loves her and thinks she's the cutest dog in town, but after 10 years, she still doesn't get it. But then, we go on down the road and she rushes up to the next person and usually gets her pets on the head.

Don't know why I wrote all that. It seemed to fit when I started, but now it doesn't. Whatever...too early and not enough coffee. The point is, I think, not everyone loves us or thinks we're the cutest dog in town. Go figure. Their loss.

- EBF

[Randalls_angel]

Dito What EBF said!! I know for us we have to both be into the other couple before we'll play with them. Often there is a stronger attraction for one or the other, and that's ok as long as there is some attraction on the other partner's part. (Ok, I think I just confused myself here, but you get the drift facelick )
Anyway, don't take it personally! There are lots more people out there and you'll find couples that are compatable and ready to play!
EBF--do you have my dog's sibling?? I swear, you just described one of our dogs, too! :rollseyes
Happy Day!
~angel~

[wrnakedru]

We had this happen to us with a couple we had been writing to for about three months. They wrote to us first and sent photos of themselves after reading our very first profile - before we had photos on it yet. Shortly thereafter we added our photos and they were still very interested - so that wasn't it. They live in a neighboring state but he graduated from a local university and they had season tickets for all the home football games. So that meant they were in town on a regular basis.

They first wrote to us in August - it was early November when we finally met for drinks one Friday evening. It was understood it was social only - so there was no pressure. We met at a nice piano bar where conversation all around was easy and comfortable. We each had two drinks during the 3 hours we sat and talked. We are smokers - he was not, but she was. Hubby and I took our lead from her, and only lit up when she did, and were careful to make sure the ventilation kept him from being overwhelmed.

The conversation with them went easily, smoothly, lots of smiles and laughter - some mild flirting - very companionable. They seemed as reluctant as we were for the evening to end and there were hugs and friendly kisses at parting.

We were bowled over to hear the "no chemistry" line from them in their first email after they got home. Was definitely not the message we got that night! Several weeks later, we were talking with some long time friends and asked if they had ever met a couple from "name of the town". They said "Yes" and went on to tell of meeting with them not once but twice. One time they had another couple with them as plans had already been made for dinner and the out of town couple opted to join them. Their experience too ended in a fizzle - with the out of towners writing less and less, and eventually not at all.

We concluded that although they had presented themselves as experienced, perhaps this was as far as things ever went with them. Maybe one of them gets cold feet - and always manages to find an objection to something about the other couple. Whatever. We decided not to take it personally as others had similar experiences with them. But it's one we always refer to as "puzzling".

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by Randalls_angel

EBF--do you have my dog's sibling?? I swear, you just described one of our dogs, too! :rollseyes
Happy Day!
~angel~

I don't know...could be. Their mother was a slut. Who knows where she visited. She could have just been traveling the country...swinging with every stud-muffin from the East coast to the West coast. Lucky for them...they found me and I've given them a stable home life. I try not to discuss their mother's promiscuous past in front of them. - EBF

[DBL D]

My, My, My,

Responses from some of the Boards finest! Thank you all.

Yeah, Wrnakedru. A similar experience but we had just met online that week.

Fact is, he kissed Fem D in the kitchen. He was the one who seemed to want to tell us that he wasn't the best looking guy, but was married to a beautiful woman. We could see that. He did have a wonderful personalility and Fem D warmed up alot to him during our time with them. They'd been married 30 or so years and the kids were gone. Seemingly stable and finally free to do what they want. Both she and he expressed interest privately and while we were all together, and then it was like, "Oh my, look at the time." She wouldn't kiss either of us when we got up to leave. So something happened during the last minutes of our visit.

Yes, We'll move on and forget about them but if we'd known things were'nt going smoothly:

1) We wouldn't have visited their home.
2) We wouldn't have been so surprised.

No, we don't say why we say "NO" but I guess we'd like to know from others. Isn't fair.

EBF, I am like that dawg. I want everyone to like me...but alas, it really isn't that way.
Your dog must have lab in him. Our dog is the worst little attention pig.

Male D

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by DBL D

Fact is, he kissed Fem D in the kitchen. He was the one who seemed to want to tell us that he wasn't the best
Male D

I wonder, D, if this doesn't have something to do with it? Perhaps the Mrs. decided she didn't like the idea of the Mr. kissing Fem D? Maybe she interpreted things as Fem D rushing things? Who knows. OK, so if I was really interested, I might write something along this line:

Hi, ya'll! We were so very disappointed to receive your e-mail indicating there was no interest in getting to know each other better. It is seldom we have the opportunity to meet folks that we really enjoy spending time with and although this question may seem out of the ordinary, we would really appreciate knowing what happened to change your minds. Please understand that we understand that "no means no" and we certainly aren't pressuring you to change your minds. However, as said, things seemed to be going so well and we honestly thought we had parted that evening as friends and looked forward to seeing you both in the future. So I'm certain you can understand our confusion. Meeting people and sharing interests and friendly conversation is an ongoing and evolving experience for us. Certainly, if we said or did anything to offend, it was not our intent and we apologize. The other thing...sexual compatibility is not always possible, but we also enjoy having friends that share similar interests and would always hope that a pure friendship might develop with some of the people we meet. If you would take the time to let us know, it would be greatly appreciated. Sort of a critique, if you will. But if not, we understand that, too.

Hope to hear from you - ....

So OK...D...that is the sort of message I would send if I was really interested in knowing what happened and why. But most likely, I wouldn't be. Once people have made up their minds it is generally pointless to try to get info out of them. Sometimes they really don't even know why themselves. But...I go back to that kiss in the kitchen. Hmmmm...just wondering.... - EBF

And yeah, that dog is goofy. I have two of them - both goofy as two fruitcakes - each in their own way. But I have to admit - they are definite conversation starters...

[SexhoundDog]

EBF,
I think your letter or e-mail example is OUTSTANDING. It's written so well and covers so many bases that I'd bet lots of couples who thought they'd lost interest in another couple would stop and think "Maybe we should be a little more careful to judge on first impressions only, and if nothing else, maybe we're missing out on getting to know some great friends."

Although I think I'm pretty good on guessing people on a first impression, I've been wrong more than once, particularly with the opposite sex. Your letter leaves all sorts of possibilities open. Very well done!

[JustAskJulie]

I can see a lot of reasons for this to happen and I doubt you'll ever find out what the real reason is.

- One of the two really isn't interested in swinging and while they have a good time early on can't get past it and isn't ready to move to the next level so they back out altogether.

- In WR situation where nothing happened but they seemed reluctant for the evening to end, I have to wonder if maybe they actually were a little upset because nothing happened? It seems all too often couple agree to social only night expecting more.

- If things did progress to the bedroom and then you got the brush off, it could be that they are just game players... out for the notch in their belt.

- Or it really could have been a lack of physical chemistry.

We have to remember that many times we don't percieve situations the same as other people involved in the situation do. All you have to do is watch a few episodes of "Blind Date" to learn that.

It would be nice if people actually told the truth, at least when asked about what went wrong (maybe it's something you could fix), but as others said, they probably won't. Whether or not you opt to do so, tho, is completely up to you.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by SexhoundDog

EBF,
I think your letter or e-mail example is OUTSTANDING.

Thank you, SexhoundDog! It was sorta written "off the cuff" early this AM and I wasn't certain I had done a good job of saying what I was thinking. 'preciate the comments. - EBF

[TnJ2Play]

Originally Posted by DBL D

EBF, I am like that dawg. I want everyone to like me...

Me too. Except I don't care if they *like* me; I just want them to pet me.

J

[Dayluvr]

Swinging is all about open communication. If your night ends unsuccessfully it could be because of the plague of puritanism. Sex is wrong remember, you should not like absolute pleasure...you'll burn for it. So they chickened out. Tell them you still had a good time with them and you appreciated their company. (I'm starting to sound like Dr. Laura) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.......