Decline in swinging with age - reasons why?

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by singleagain

I'm over 40 by 21 and it only gets better.

Wow, something to look forward to!

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Pepper & Drew

My theory is (and, this is coming from a 29 year old) that older people aren't as comfortable with their sexuality (generally speaking, of course!) as people who are a generation younger

Thanks Pepper, I totally get the point of your post and in part, I agree with it. I have seen soooo many women my age just "lose it" - going to the ugly shoes, matronly clothes, helmet haircut, the whole middle-aged look almost overnight. It's as if somebody pulled the plug on their mojo and it all drained out of them! It's not just the look, it's the attitude, too. Some of them were prudes and always will be. Actually, thinking about it, I think these folks were always uncomfortable with their sexuality at any age. But, this is true in my personal experience in the vanilla circles, not in the swinging circles of women my age.

Now, for me? I've had ALL of the best sex of my life, the wildest and most free sex in every possible way, after the age of 39. I've been FAR more comfortable with my sexuality now, than I ever was before. I, like many women my age can tell you, had my own personal sexual revolution at this age. Even my orgasms have gotten much better after the age of 39. I had my first vaginal (not clitoral) orgasm at age 40, and now I have them regularly and frequently. Many studies will tell you - we women are reaching our sexual peak at this point. That's true for me!

If it works out this way for you, too, you've got a lot to look forward to.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by TLO7777

Meanwhile many of this board's swing club reviews suggest a higher average age of couples in attendance than this poll does.

So, I think there are probably far more 40+ swingers in the actual lifestyle than are represented by this sample group.

Whew, that's a relief! We don't have swing clubs in our town, we've had to travel to get to them so we haven't been often. But, I noticed there that we seemed to be the median age in the clubs we visited (mid-40's), with plenty on the older end of that bell curve, too.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by JnCC

A couple things;

1) Loss of libido - Hormonal changes start to bring about a decreased interest in sex. Many of the guys I know actually welcome this loss of interest, as we feel we've been slaves to what our dicks were telling us to do since we were 12 years old. We're kinda like an old dog who's happy to live out his days sitting on the porch, knowing that he no longer needs to chase EVERY car that comes down the street anymore...

2) Grandkids - I don't have any yet, but I've known many a fine, fun woman (and man) who gets a couple of 'em and loses all interest in sex, and anything else that doesn't have to do with them. I can't say I blame 'em...some of those kids are pretty cute and fun to be around. The notion of "having a friend they swing with" has a very different meaning to a pre-schooler.

3) Loss of overall appearance - Some people don't want to "put it all out there" unless "It" is lookin' good. It gets harder to maintain a lean, attractive body as one ages, although here in the midwest, that doesn't seem to be as big a deal as on the coasts. Being a former, card-carrying nudist, and reading up on the principles of "Tantric Sex" helps a little in that regard.

Two girls I went to high school with were having a phone conversation recently. One said to the other, "Did you think you'd ever have sex with a 50-year-old man?" to which she responded, "Did YOU ever think you'd have sex with a bald guy?"

I could have commented about some of the paradigm shifts I've had to go through in dating women their ages, but decided to let it pass...

There IS a bubble of "Last Gasp" swingers in their late-40's and early-50's, many of whom are celebrating the departure of the last kid to leave home, and the opportunity to explore some of the things they've fantasized about for years, before their looks and ability fail them completely. But by age 60, it's hard to find anybody who wants or needs more sex than they can get from the vibrating feature of their Barcalounger.

You are HILARIOUS! I have to ask....how old are you? You should be a writer. Hey, save this....put it in a notebook. You might write a book one day about all of this, and personally, I'd buy it! LOL

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

Ditto to the reasons JNCC gave and I might add that just as habituation is often given as the reason some begin swinging, it is also the reason some give it up or slow it down. After a while it's kind of a been there done that, feeling. Or, after having to almost go into the witness protection program to get a way from a couple of drama laden/clinging/controlling couples they get the "it's not worth the hassle" feeling.

Just as people begin swinging for a lot of varied reasons, they slow it down or stop it for a multitude of reasons.

Thanks, curious. I wish that they gave exit interviews for these leavers of the lifestyle, so we could collect some real data on this! ;-)

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by JnCC

Which leads me to thinking...it takes about 3-5 years for people to become "habituated" to each other, which is about how long many couples actively swing.

Really, most couples are out of this within 3 - 5 years of starting it? I'm surprised, I would have guessed much higher than that, at least for the couples who actually are enjoying it and have all their drama worked out, that is. Many jump right in unprepared and then jump right back out -- maybe they are skewing the stats for the "we're good with this" population.

Has anybody ever done a poll on that here?

[Pepper & Drew]

Originally Posted by Chip_n_Muffy

Pepper, you are an absolute doll. I am 53 years old. I turned sixteen in 1968, the "Summer of Love." Those 60 year olds you are talking about were the originators of the sexual revolution. Dad told me once that every generation thinks it invented sex. I am sure my kids sincerely think I am WAY to old to have sex. Damn, do I have them fooled.

Chip

Yes, there were hippies, but there were far more that had the upbringing potrayed in "American Graffiti" or "Happy Days" than those that were living in a commune in Haight Ashbury. My mom graduated high school in 1960 and I promise you, she was not part of the sexual revolution. Unless you grew up in one of the areas where there were a lot of change taking place, you weren't part of the revolution. South Alabama was not a hotbed of the hippie movement. Civil rights movement? Yes. Sexual freedom movement? I don't think so. It had only been 10 years earlier that the first pregnant woman was on TV ("I Love Lucy"). Doesn't sound like middle America was too sexually progressive to me.

There was still the stigma of being a "bad girl" and having sex outside of marriage still was not something nice girls did...even in the free-loving 60's. Hell, there's still talk of how groundbreaking "Sex in the City" was in the late 90's because women talked about having sex without (gasp!) love and commitment. So, it would be more difficult (in my mind) to go from being a nice girl, who'd only had sex with my husband to being a hotwife taking on 3 guys at a houseparty. Not saying that it couldn't or hasn't been done, just that it would be a bigger leap.

Please don't missunderstand. I don't think my generation invented sex. I just think my generation has the "Girls Gone Wild" images, and grew up watching videos that were basically T&A shows, and knew girls that got pregnant at 13 that make it seem a little easier to "go wild"....or, at least, easier to understand that being a "good girl" is highly, highly overrated.

Pepper

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

You are HILARIOUS! I have to ask....how old are you?

Well...as my profile on another site says...I'm "at least 20 years past my 'Best if used by' date."

You should be a writer. Hey, save this....put it in a notebook. You might write a book one day about all of this, and personally, I'd buy it! LOL

A book about swinging, written by a single male? It would probably wind up on the discount shelf at Borders, right next to "My Perceptions of The Grand Canyon, by Helen Keller"

...most couples are out of this within 3 - 5 years of starting it? I'm surprised, I would have guessed much higher than that, at least for the couples who actually are enjoying it and have all their drama worked out, that is. Many jump right in unprepared and then jump right back out -- maybe they are skewing the stats for the "we're good with this" population.

Has anybody ever done a poll on that here?

Actually, I was discussing this in PM with another member of this board (maybe he'll jump in and contribute some more to this discussion?). We came to the conclusion that some people who swing are really excitement junkies. That is, having sex may be fun, but it eventually becomes blase', so they start to have wild sex with them. When that becomes blase', they get into swinging. Eventually, even that becomes blase', so they become cheaters. They don't do it because they're planning to leave their spouses, they do it because they need some novelty...some excitement...something forbidden...in their lives. When a person has become "habituated" to 3-somes, 4-somes, gang-bangs, or whatever, what's left to do for a thrill?

Meet somebody you've been chatting with on the computer at a motel or roadside stop, that's what.

Hey, you asked why they stop...and unfortunately, that's one of the reasons.

[HotMoCpl]

I'm not sure either, and we're in our early 50's. Here's one though. Like myself, more men are diagnosed with prostate cancer earlier then ever before. I am one of those, and I can only say that the diagnosis itself will change your life/lifestyle. Over all, even with nerve sparing surgery, there is a 65% chance a man won't get an erection on his own again. First try Viagra, then MUSE and may the gods in heaven forbid, penile implants. If I were to guess, this would affect 5-15% of lifestyle couples and single men.

As for the 29 year old! Hey, it was the "Boomer" generation that revived this lifestyle.

As for the others, its probably grandkids and too many trips to Florida for the winter.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by JnCC

We came to the conclusion that some people who swing are really excitement junkies. That is, having sex may be fun, but it eventually becomes blase', so they start to have wild sex with them. When that becomes blase', they get into swinging. Eventually, even that becomes blase', so they become cheaters. They don't do it because they're planning to leave their spouses, they do it because they need some novelty...some excitement...something forbidden...in their lives. When a person has become "habituated" to 3-somes, 4-somes, gang-bangs, or whatever, what's left to do for a thrill?

Meet somebody you've been chatting with on the computer at a motel or roadside stop, that's what.

Hey, you asked why they stop...and unfortunately, that's one of the reasons.

Wow, scary!! I sure hope that's not even remotely what's in store for us. I do wonder sometimes about if that "the thrill is over" thing will kick in and it will become blase'. I think not, because we aren't into it constantly, it's more occasional and it kind of fluctuates depending on our lives and schedules, etc. It's kind of renewed all over again (with us) when we re-start and/or new people come into the picture. After all, any new couple is a whole new discovery, right? Or, maybe I'm being the flaming optimist that I usually am. LOL

[Tybee Swing]

HotMo, I'm really sorry about your cancer. Are you still in the midst of dealing with it, or has it been resolved? I truly hope all the best for you.

Originally Posted by HotMoCpl

Hey, it was the "Boomer" generation that revived this lifestyle.

So true!! We put the GRrr in swinger, baby, yeah!

[curiousagain]

I'll contribute. JNCC had made the comment about having to go back and think of the swinging couples he knew who broke up because of cheating to see how long they had been in the lifestyle. I thought back to the different times a swinging wife had asked me to meet her without her husband and of the ones I knew how long they had been swinging, they were all in that 3-5 year window. BFO (blinding flash of the obvious).

You know, people start, continue or stop swinging for a lot of different reasons and excitement or lack thereof is one of them. I have often said that successful couples tend to be couples who engage in high risk activity together. Now, that could be business ownership, motorcycling, swinging, base jumping, feeding sharks, whatever. They tend to be excitement, thrill or challenge junkies.

Now, what about unsuccessful couples? They may be excitement/thrill/challenge junkies too. They might be in swinging for the same reasons but not in it together. They are in it for what they personally, not they as a couple can get out of it

They get married or start living together, everything's exciting for a while, then the boredom sets in. Next thing you know, somebody's got a credit card at Victoria Secret's and that keeps things going for a while. Then they try dirty talking, role playing, etc. When the new wears off all of that, they try swinging. Then that becomes boring. What's left? Cheating!

Why would someone in a swinging/open relationship who can have sex with other people do it without an emotional component knowing it could destroy their primary relationship? If the cheater is honest when they say "it was just sex, there's no feelings there" then it had to be for the excitement, the cloak and dagger like secrecy, etc. It's a rush, a feeling of superiority (I did something and nobody knows) that they get off on.

disclaimer: I am not saying this is always the reason, just one of the reasons with some of these situations. tax and title separate, your milage may vary. For real advice please consult your local professional.

[Tybee Swing]

Thanks, I can see how some people would see cheating as their next step to thrill-zone, after having done swinging for some time. What's left after cheating for thrills? Maybe cheating on the one that you've been cheating with?

[curiousagain]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Thanks, I can see how some people would see cheating as their next step to thrill-zone, after having done swinging for some time. What's left after cheating for thrills? Maybe cheating on the one that you've been cheating with?

Probably.

[TLO7777]

When a person has become "habituated" to 3-somes, 4-somes, gang-bangs, or whatever, what's left to do for a thrill?

Eventually, even that becomes blase', so they become cheaters.

While I'm sure this can happen in rare cases when the couple truly wasn't very healthy to begin with, I think it's far from the common progression.

I think this is why you see hundreds of profiles from experienced swingers that emphasize their interest in developing a long term friendship with potential playmates.

After the initial variety wears off they find that the sex just gets better the more you get to know your partners. So an ongoing play relationship gets more fulfilling over time rather than less so.

And finally, my own experience is that no matter how many times you do "the same thing" there is always the opportunity to have it be fresh and exciting provided there's real chemistry there.

Every single person is different and every combination of people is unique!

Doesn't matter how many women I've kissed before... there's always something electric about that first kiss with a new person. Same holds true for every subsequent level of intimacy. Undressing, touching, tasting etc.

In my opinion, not being able to access that "thrill" over and over again represents a lack of intimacy skills.

Dante
--
YoungMauiCouple at Swing Lifestyle