What would you do if you caught your significant other cheating?

[eurotrash]

I did a search to see if anyone had already posted a similar thread and the closest I found what this: Threesome Troubles Please excuse me if this topic has already been covered.

My girlfriend and I were very much in love, but something happened and I would like to know how you would have reacted. The story starts like this...

One evening, it was agreed that I'd meet her for dinner near her parent's place around 20:00. Leaving my office, I sent her a text message to let her know I was on my way and then another to tell her how the streets had turned into rivers from the pouring rain. She responded to both.

When I got to our meeting point, I called her, but nobody answered the phone. I kept calling for some 30-minutes with no response. Finally, she called back, say that she didn't hear the phone ring and she was at a friend's house smoking dope. Sensing something, I asked her, "You're at your ex-boyfriend's house, aren't you." There was a long pause. Then, she replied, "Yes." I told her that I'd been standing in the rain for almost an hour waiting for her. Her response: "I didn't know you were there already." I was getting more and more upset. She knew I was on the way to see her and why didn't she tell me she was at her ex's place?

When she finally arrived, it was with a bag full of her things that she'd left at her ex's place. She said she'd only gone there to pick up her things, then his roommates wanted to hang out and smoke out...

I told her I was upset because you tried to lie to me or in the very least cover up where she was and who she was with.

She insisted that she was not interested in her ex anymore, and that I had nothing to worry about. She told me to trust her. She would never cheat on me. I simply had to trust her. She only lied because she was afraid I'd get upset, she insisted.

I did my best to explain to her that day that I would understand if she even slept with somebody else as long as she was open and honest with me about it. I would not put up with lying or finding out myself if she was cheating. I was not like her previous boyfriends who she said would virtually lock her up.

So, for a nice long stretch, everything's great. The only complaint is that our friends don't match. Her friends are all potheads who do nothing. They can't do anything without rolling a joint. It turns out her best friends are dealers. She feels uncomfortable around my friends who are all pretty successful in their fields of work.

The next incident: Something's going on with her, but I can't put my finger on it. We're living together at this point. I'm working a lot. I feel like I'm neglecting her, but I have no choice. The Olympics is around the corner and I have to be ready when it comes. She is still looking for work. It's been month's since she's had a job and income. I offer her to work with me, but she refuses, wanting to keep our professional and love lives separate.

One night, she comes home from spending time with a friend who is helping her translate her CV into English. I greet her and try to give her a hug and kiss, but she shrugs me off. I ask her, "What's wrong." "Nothing," she replies, "I'm just not in the mood." I often help her undress and remove her jewelry. She shrugs me off again. "I'm not in the mood." She's never been not in the mood before. Red flag.

I talk to her and try to understand what could be wrong. She insists it's nothing.

Her actions bug me for days. Finally, I look into our pile of taxi receipts that we keep for tax purposes and dig out the receipt from the night she came home from translating with her friend. She came home at 01:00. OK. The taxi bill came out to 35 CNY. Red flag. The taxi drove 12.9 kilometers. Red flag. If she was where she said she was that night, the taxi bill should have been half of what it was and the number of kilometers driven half of what it was as well.

I brought up the night that she acted so strangely again by asking if she wanted to talk about "that" evening. She said there was nothing to talk about. I said that I felt like there was something she was not telling me... did something happen that night? Where was she? She insisted she was just in a bad mood that night and stuck to her original story.

Then, I brought out the receipt. I explained what the information meant. I explained that her ex's apartment was the exact distance away from our place as the kilometers stated on the taxi receipt.

Well, things got very serious very suddenly. She said she was translating with the roommate of her ex (now that I think about it, she said it was someone else before, but I digress) when they decided they wanted to roll a joint, so they went back to her ex's place. She said she left when her ex came back and that he was never there. She said I should trust her.

I got upset but was still calm. How could I trust her if she lies to me, I asked. I reiterated, "Be open and honest with me. You can do anything you want. Just tell me about it. I won't get angry. I do trust you. I want to trust you."

Things get a bit weird for me. It sticks in my mind that she would continue to lie to me until the very end. This is very disconcerting. It takes a while for me to work out in my mind. Then, the Olympics roll into town. No more time or energy to dwell on the relationship problems! I'm working around the clock. Unfortunately, my gf still has nothing to do. To make things worse, all her friends have fled Beijing. The police have cracked down on drugs, so the drug addicts have all gone to Dali, the Amsterdam of China. She doesn't have enough money to go. I can see my gf getting more bored by the day. Unfortunately, when I get home (sometimes at 4 in the morning) I have no time or energy for her. I promise her we'll go once the Olympics is over.

We haven't had sex for weeks. First, because I was upset about her lying. Now, because I'm exhausted when I get home and have only a few hours to sleep before going back to work. I'm being paid very well by a big company. I have to be my best, and this is the Olympics! They don't come around very often.

I understood she was getting frustrated. We used to have great sex, virtually every night. I once woke up to her accusing me of dreaming of other women because I was getting erections while I was sleeping. One night, my gf literally rapes me. We had great sex. I'm glad she did. She's normally very passive, so to have her forcing herself on me was a nice change.

A few days later, I come home to find her upset because she tried to buy a plane ticket to Dali with her credit card, but it was refused. I console her, take a shower and crawl into bed considering if I should buy her a plane ticket to Dali.

In the morning, I wake up to find her curled up in a ball. After my shower, she's got her sheets pulled up over her head. I know she's sad about not being able to afford the ticket to Dali. I put enough cash to buy the ticket and then some, put it in a golden envelope that said World's Greatest Artist Awards, an invitation I'd gotten for the real award ceremony.

I wake her up and give her the envelope. She opens it with the look of a kid on Christmas. Counting the bills, she asks, "900 CNY?" I'm confused. I was sure I put 1,000 CNY in the envelope. I count it for her. It's 1,000 CNY. "I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt I flew to Dali, but when I got off the airplane, I was back in Beijing! Thank you so much!"

I went to work happy that I was able to make her happy.

At work, I get a text message saying she's booked a flight for that afternoon, only to get a call from her completely crushed. She'd missed her flight. During the Olympics the airlines were draconian about their check-in policies. She missed the the cut-off by minutes. She was still in line when it closed. She said the airline would not let her change her flight unless she paid an additional 60% the price of her ticket. I told her to go back and be strong and lose the niceness. I told her to insist on them changing her flight, take names and to talk to the manager if she didn't get her way.

Well, she called back all smiles (if that's possible over the phone). She was leaving the next day early in the morning. She (I) didn't have to pay anything extra.

When I came home that night at 3:00, she had put candles around the apartment. She greeted me warmly. I took a shower. She went to watch a movie in bed. After the shower, I had to take care of another part of my business that I run over the internet. By the time I was done, most of the candles had burned out and she was supposed to get ready to catch her plane. She gave me a kiss good bye just before I slipped into a deep sleep. I had to be up in a few hours.

I woke up to find text messages letting me know she was on her flight, that she'd arrived in Kunming. Later that day, text messages told me that she was on the 5-hour bus to Dali, that she'd arrived in Dali and that it was soooo beautiful and that she missed me.

The Olympics ended a few days later, and her text messages changed about the same time. Something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. When I talked to her on the phone she sounded much too happy. "Must be the drugs," I said to myself as I wrapped loose ends around the Olympic project and prepared to join her in Dali.

Only, now, she was telling me that it probably wasn't worth it for me to come to Dali. She was returning to Beijing soon. WHAT?!?! No matter how many solutions I found for her reasons why it was a waste of my time to come to Dali, the bottom line was that it was not worth it for me to come to Dali. At one point, she also said that she didn't want me to come to Dali because she was afraid I wouldn't like her friends there.

So, I flew to Dali without telling her. I checked into the hotel attached to the bar I knew she would go to. (I grew to discover that she only frequented places where the owners tolerated drug use, and there aren't many of those places even in a city a large as Shanghai or Beijing.) Then, I watched and waited. I waited until 04:00 in the morning as she left with a guy, part of her circle of friends in Dali. They left as friends walking side-by-side. I was feeling slightly relieved, glad to feel a bit dumb for going through all this effort for nothing, for having doubted my gf. It felt good to be wrong! I was almost going to just call it a night, but something told me to go that last extra mile.

I trailed them as they walked to the house her and all her friends were sharing. I trailed them until they started holding hands, my heart racing at this point, my mind screaming, "No! No! No!"

They stopped in a dark corner on the trail leading to the house. I watched as he pulled her close and then they started to kiss.

I did what I did. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

I'm second guessing myself. Maybe I didn't react like I should have. What would you have done? I really want to know. I will let you know how I reacted after hearing your responses.

[slevin]

I probably would have done something very different much sooner, not going to put up with a stoner girl who lies to me about where she was, cant get a job and gets inconsoleable when her friends take off to go smoke up in some other city. Definitely wouldn't have bought her a plane ticket and totally wouldn't have followed her around draconianly. If I can't trust her we won't be dating.

She cheats on me and I find out about it, then we're not dating anymore. My wife cheats on me? We will get a divorce. She doesn't need to cheat though since we're having fun swinging and she can fuck others guys without the sneaking around lol

[bbarnsworth]

The pain of love not returned can be intense. Very intense. I used to react very negatively to cheating. I stopped doing that. The reason? The person with whom I was upset frankly wasn't worth the expenditure of emotions and energy.

If this situation happened to me today, it would never have gone so far as her getting on that plane. In the first talk where she lied to you I would have laid down my rules for myself. Either you are honest with me, or this is over. On the second event, I would have broken it off. I'm not interested in wasting time on a long term relationship with someone who is willing to be dishonest with me after a first discussion indicating the consequences. I'm not interested in reforming people from their lying ways. Either they can live a life without lies, or they can't. If they can't, I'm wasting my time.

Assuming that it had gone as far as seeing her kissing this guy, I would have walked away, and possibly never said anything to her about it. There's no point to arguing with her about it. She lied. Not once, not twice, not three times, but four times to you. She isn't going to change, and arguing with her just accents the pain. I would have returned to Beijing, packed anything of hers in my apartment and put it into storage offsite (if possible). I would have changed the locks on the apartment, and told her where she could meet me to get the key to the storage unit. If she continued to harass me after getting her stuff back, I'd directly instruct her not to contact me again. If she did so, I'd call the police.

Honestly, people like this aren't worth the time of day. They're worthless cretins and not worth your time. You should have seen this coming at you like a freight train when you noticed the disparity in the friends you keep vs. hers.

Thanks for putting on a great olympics by the way. Very impressive!

[BiloxiCouple]

I like this site because it is about swinging and not cheating.

With that said, why put up with a negative relationship to begin with? It's your relationship, you answer it.

[LikeMinds321]

eurotrash ~

Do you and your girlfriend swing together?

LM

[eurotrash]

I like this site because the members really take the time to read threads before they post a reply and really care about the answers they share with their community and they understand that the topic of swinging covers more than just sex.

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

I like this site because it is about swinging and not cheating.

With that said, why put up with a negative relationship to begin with? It's your relationship, you answer it.

[eurotrash]

We never got that far. We'd discussed it in bed before.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

eurotrash ~

Do you and your girlfriend swing together?

LM

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by slevin

I probably would have done something very different much sooner, not going to put up with a stoner girl who lies to me about where she was, cant get a job and gets inconsoleable when her friends take off to go smoke up in some other city. Definitely wouldn't have bought her a plane ticket and totally wouldn't have followed her around draconianly. If I can't trust her we won't be dating.

This!

Eurotrash, I didn't read your entire post. It wasn't necessary. I was only a couple lines into your story, when I knew for me that the relationship would be over well before any thoughts of buying plane tickets occurred.

The reason I would be this way is that I've been down a similar road before. It sucked, but I learned a very valuable lesson: Run when you see the signs of an impending train wreck. Don't try to minimize or justify unusual or negative behavior. It is what it is and it most likely isn't going to change.

Based solely on what you've relayed in your post, I would say cut your losses and move on. Quickly.

Good luck.

[jdavisauto]

Matters of the heart can only be handle by the two people in a relationship. Sounds like you both need to go and have a nice dinner with cell phones OFF and have an adult conversation about your relationship and what you both want out of it. You stated that you are working a lot and not there for her. Ask yourself this, do you work as hard for this relationship as you do at your job? Do you really want this relationship? Love is never easy, there’s the ups and there’s the downs. But if you really do love her with your heart then she would be the most important person in your life. You would die just to spend one minute with her in your arms. Her words would be as if angels are singing to you. Her kiss would be intoxicating. Yes a relationship like this would be worth saving but only you can answer your question.

[eurotrash]

Thanks for the advice, but what I'm asking is what would you have done right then, right there?

Originally Posted by jdavisauto

Matters of the heart can only be handle by the two people in a relationship. Sounds like you both need to go and have a nice dinner with cell phones OFF and have an adult conversation about your relationship and what you both want out of it. You stated that you are working a lot and not there for her. Ask yourself this, do you work as hard for this relationship as you do at your job? Do you really want this relationship? Love is never easy, there’s the ups and there’s the downs. But if you really do love her with your heart then she would be the most important person in your life. You would die just to spend one minute with her in your arms. Her words would be as if angels are singing to you. Her kiss would be intoxicating. Yes a relationship like this would be worth saving but only you can answer your question.

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by eurotrash

Thanks for the advice, but what I'm asking is what would you have done right then, right there?

Put her to the curb.

Now what are you going to do? You've heard my/our responses.

[Alura]

I would have pulled the cheating druggie aside and asked, "Who the hell are you, and what have you done with Mrs. Alura??"

Mr. Alura

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Alura

I would have pulled the cheating druggie aside and asked, "Who the hell are you, and what have you done with Mrs. Alura??"

Mr. Alura

Al, here's one post where I finally disagree with you. Isn't that something after over 4 years?


I would have walked up to her and the guy and told her I'd like to talk to her, in private. Then if the guy didn't walk away, I'd say to her, "Come walk with me" and then move far enough away to have a private conversation with her.

The other guy isn't the problem here, the other guy never is really, it's your SO who made the decision to be where she's at..with a guy, secretly, and cheating on you. It's her you have to talk with. She'll only stop cheating when she decides to. Nobody makes a person cheat. You can't fault the other guy because there will always be another guy if your girlfriend continues to let other guys in.

LM

[Alura]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Al, here's one post where I finally disagree with you. Isn't that something after over 4 years?


I would have walked up to her and the guy and told her I'd like to talk to her, in private. Then if the guy didn't walk away, I'd say to her, "Come walk with me" and then move far enough away to have a private conversation with her.

The other guy isn't the problem here, the other guy never is really, it's your SO who made the decision to be where she's at..with a guy, secretly, and cheating on you. It's her you have to talk with. She'll only stop cheating when she decides to. Nobody makes a person cheat. You can't fault the other guy because there will always be another guy if your girlfriend continues to let other guys in.

LM

Hmmmm. Are you thinking I said I would pull THE GUY aside and ask, "Who the hell are you and what have you done with Mrs. Alura?" The only way I think I would find Mrs. Alura using drugs and cheating (especially the drug part!) would be if someone had replaced her with a clone and was holding her captive somewhere. I would have pulled THE IMPOSTER WOMAN aside and asked "Who the hell are you...?"

Four years without a disagreement isn't bad, though. (Has it really been that long???)

Mr. Alura

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Alura

Hmmmm. Are you thinking I said I would pull THE GUY aside and ask...

Yes, that is what I thought you meant. NOW I understand!


I agree after all, that would be a good thing to say.

LM