fell in love - asking for advice

[just_me]

I am a married male for 6 years. 32 years old, good career, good looking, etc. My wife and I have been together for 10 years.

I'm posting under a "new" account on this board. My wife and I have been on here for a while, but don't post very often. We've been in the lifestyle on and off for about 8 years.

I'm looking for advice. Let me start.

We met another couple on a 4wheeling camping trip last summer. We instantly became friends with them. We had a LOT in commong with them, so we hit it right off. They had discussed swinging, but never acted on it. The husband is in the army and deployed to iraq a couple of months after we met.

We've never "swung" with this couple.

The other wife and I have a lot in common, including 420. We continued talking over yahoo IM for several months. One thing led to another and we ended up becoming very good friends. My wife and her are good friends, but not as good and the other wife and I. We talk on the phone very often. Many times all three of us (me, my wife and the other wife) will talk. We hang out together about every other weekend.

We live 1.5 hours from each other.

I've fallen in love with her (the army guys wife) very much. I've let both her and my wife know this. As you can imagine, my wife was hurt and upset, but insists that we all remain friends. The husband knows that I love his wife, but since he was in iraq, we couldn't talk much.

The husband got home from iraq today on leave. He is scheduled to be here for two weeks. He has both PTSD and TBI and will most likely NOT be sent back to iraq. We suspect he will get a medical discharge and will be released from the army.

His wife loves him very much and has stated on many occasions that she loves me. She also stated that she loves me as a friend.

I am dying here.

I love my wife, but honestly, I am looking to leave her. There are a lot of reasons for this, one being the fact that she wants kids and I do not.

I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice.

[BiloxiCouple]

From another vet... Leave them alone. Enough said.

[LFM2]

I have to agree with Billy and Elaine...

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by just_me

The other wife and I have a lot in common, including 420.

Of all the things you have in common, you felt the need to specifically mention you both like smoking pot. Really?

She also stated that she loves me as a friend.

Sounds like she's made the choice to stay with her husband.

I've got to tell you, if I were her husband, and had just returned from a tour of duty in Iraq, only to find out a friend is in love with my wife, I'm not sure how I would react. I am sure that my reaction wouldn't be positive though.

Throw a little PTS in there, and you've got a nice recipe for disaster.

If you don't want to be married to your current wife, then that's fine. Deal with that. Just don't try to go and fuck up someone else's life in the process.

[just_me]

All I can say is "wow".


thanks for all the advice


yeah, I'm madly in love, and definatley don't want to hear what everyone has said so far, but will most likely take your advice.

I don't want to fuck up their relationship. I'm also not looking to "fuck" her.

I don't know where else to explain this so I'm doing it here.

Keep the comments comming please!

[just_me]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

Of all the things you have in common, you felt the need to specifically mention you both like smoking pot. Really?

Me and her are fully functional pot smokers, meaning we we live 100% of our life high and are able to function normally when high.

She is a straight A student in college and I am a very high level computer guy. All while high.

I am wondering why you chose to single that out.

[rpu3]

I love my wife, but honestly, I am looking to leave her. There are a lot of reasons for this, one being the fact that she wants kids and I do not.

Sounds like you need to deal with your own household first, before looking to move into another relationship (regardless of whom that relationship will be with). I'm sure it would be preferable to minimize the hurt and dismay your desired actions may cause by starting with your own house and not involving your friend and his wife.

As to the friend and his wife - too bad he's not a Marine, so that the whole concept of "Semper Fi" would fit nicely in this point. In love or not, back off and let them work things out (or not) on their own.

[fun4Ds]

I think you need to seriously sort your life out. Thats some killer bud you must be smoking there. Its got both of your brain cells you have left, in conflict..... It happens, ya know.

Let this other couple have some time to themselves. They need it and he deserves you out of the picture.

Your wife of six years whom you have known for ten years wants some children and now you need to dump her. Well, cry someone els a river. You fell in love with a chat friend..... ?

I can see why you had to post anonymously Dude, Its called shame !!

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by just_me

Me and her are fully functional pot smokers, meaning we we live 100% of our life high and are able to function normally when high.

It does seem to be affecting your decision making processes though, IMHO.

I am wondering why you chose to single that out.

Because it's such an odd thing to specifically mention. Lots of folks like a little herb. It's not that unique a thing.
Saying you both had a high degree of interest in Jungian psychology would have been a bit more unique.

I would have had the same response if you had said, "we have so much in common, including our love of Rum & Coke".

[jdavisauto]

Sounds like you took a couple of steps out of the swingers lifestyle. You can only follow your heart in this matter. People will get hurt by this but time will heal all. Good luck on what ever you do, just make sure it's what you really want to do.

[jccuriouscouple]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

From another vet... Leave them alone. Enough said.

I second what BiloxiCouple said.

What you are doing is wrong in so many ways. That guy is gone risking his life for our freedom and you are chasing his wife? Are you kidding me?

I'm a new kid on the block here and I may be out of line. I feel very strongly about this. If you want out of your marriage, get out. But, don't tear the other relationship apart in the process. I can tell you, after being there myself, that he needs her far more now than you ever will.

I don't mean to be an ass and I'm sorry for being so blunt. But, as a vet, I have no sympathy for anyone chasing a deployed soldiers significant other.

Leave it alone.

[2insandiego4u]

Originally Posted by just_me

Me and her are fully functional pot smokers, meaning we we live 100% of our life high and are able to function normally when high.

100% of the time?! This is bound to take its toll over time. You should both get some help before you kill ALL your brain cells, or graduate to something more potent like many of the pot-heads at your level end up doing.

[JTcamp05]

If you truely love her...you have to do what is best for her and her family...including her husband.....help them through a hard time and make sure they stay together and get the help they need....

They are married, you must do everything in your power to help that marriage work...... including if necessary stopping any contact between her and yourself.....

[realcplub2]

There is a sad but true fact that many people won't admit to themselves..

The fact that, in the last few lines of your original post, you state that your wife wants kids but you don't speaks VOLUMES..

Lets be honest, the fact that you have "fallen' for the other woman, that lives an hour and a half away.. adds to the enchantment because again there are issues at home you arent willing to address..

Best case.. Follow Billy's advice, and TALK to your wife..hopefully BEFORE she happns on this thread and quickly puts 2 and 2 together.

We all have watched JERRY SPRINGER and asked the question, If you were asked to be a guest, KNOWING the type of show, why would you go?

Same things applies, while yes you did create a new account.. the fact that she MIGHT stumble upon this makes it all the more urgent you talk to her first.. Unless you really want a way out..

[aster]

sometimes part of loving someone is letting them have what is best for them, and respecting their decisions. it sounds like right now, her decision is her husband. both she and your wife sound amazingly understanding, and I'm glad that the communication thus far has been so open and honest...that's a wonderful friendship and you are very lucky.

the first thing you need to do is let her (the other wife) know that you want to give her and her husband a little space over the next couple weeks, but that you're not letting her off the hook as friends. a couple weeks without constant contact will give both of you perspective, and help both her husband and your wife to feel more comfortable. after the two weeks are up...ease back into the friendship, but start off by only having contact as a group...not one on one unless she initiates.

during the two weeks you need to sincerely do your best to separate your feelings for her from your dissatisfaction with your marriage. In other words...if you had never met her, would you still feel the need to leave your wife? how long have you been dissastisfied with the marriage, and what exactly are the issues? are they issues that you and your wife can talk about? try your best to entirely leave the other woman out of this...i know they are intertwined feelings, but you will regret it if you leave your wife for another relationship that wont work out. if your wife and you need to serparate, it needs to be on the merits of the relationship between you, not based on a fantasy that simply cannot happen.

after spending some time gathering your thoughts, i would be open with your wife about what you've discovered, and ask her to join you in counseling. having a third person's perspective will give you a clearer view of what your main issues are, and what needs to be done. try to find a counselor who is understanding of the lifestyle, so that your activities outside your "marriage bed" aren't misunderstood. seriously give that a shot.

best of luck....