How did you deal?

[sexcupid]

Around Easter my ex-husband dropped the bomb on me that he was getting engaged. Now, I give him credit for at least telling me...but I think he only did it because our kids had seen the ring and knew he was going to propose to the lady he's been dating. I think he didn't want them to dime him out.

To say the least it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew he had been dating (hell, after he first moved away I was like his own personal dating coach) the same girl for a while, but had no idea things had gotten that serious.

Then today...I mean, yesterday (Tuesday)...he tells me that they've finally set a date...for August...as in roughly a month away. She wants to get married on a date with all the same numbers...and since he didn't want to wait til 9/9/09...well here we are.

And when these things happen I look at mine and Jeff's relationship...yes, I know...it's not like comparing apples to apples...and may be the comparisons are unfair...but I can't help but wonder why we aren't married (or at the least engaged) when we've been together for over 3 years. And then my over-thinking self just lets it snowball into a big ol' wave (snowball? ) of negativity. I know, not constructive...but I guess everyone is entitled to a pity party now and then.

I know that many folks here are on second marriages. So I guess the main point of this little tale of woe is: if your ex- was remarried before you were, how did you handle it? Did you send a gift? Is there an etiquitte for this sort of thing?

Any advice is appreciated!

[ktimephoenix]

i have no idea how long he's been dating her, but i am suspicious of people that remarry quickly.

are you happy with jeff? if the answer is yes, then what difference will a bit of paper, or an egagement ring make?

if your not happy with him, why not? surely a bit of paper or an engagement ring can't SOLVE those problems.

Mrs P. is always asking why we're not getting engaged yet. and i keep telling her that i take marriage seriously. if we're together for 5 years, then get engaged, or get engaged now, and married in 5 years, what is the difference? we've still spent 5 years in a wonderful loving relationship.

speeding up the process just to get some numbers the same smacks of immaturity, or a tthe least, no real regard for the enormity of the step of getting married.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

...but I can't help but wonder why we aren't married (or at the least engaged) when we've been together for over 3 years. And then my over-thinking self just lets it snowball into a big ol' wave (snowball? ) of negativity. I know, not constructive...but I guess everyone is entitled to a pity party now and then.

I think you need to look deeper into this question and talk to Jeff about it. If it bothers you enough to post it, then it's something that needs to be examined more closely. It's possible that you've both agreed you don't want to remarry and that this is just a twinge of jealousy because your ex is doing something your not (even tho you've chosen not to). I equate this to an issue I dealt with while I was doing real estate... I could have made more money if I'd chosen to work like many of my associates (every night and weekend) but for good reasons I chose not to do that. You may have chosen not to get married again (at least yet) for good reason. Only you and Jeff know the answer to this. So talk it out with him.

I know that many folks here are on second marriages. So I guess the main point of this little tale of woe is: if your ex- was remarried before you were, how did you handle it? Did you send a gift? Is there an etiquitte for this sort of thing?

I have to answer this from the other side, as I was the one who got married first. I had a difficult time telling my ex that I was getting re-married (it had been 4 years) for no other reason than I don't like hurting people and I did not know if it would hurt him. As luck would have it he had recently started dating someone else (finally) and we were able to discuss it on that level first (rather than my springing it on him). We don't have kids together so there is not a lot of reason to keep in touch but we do email occasionally. When I told him it was only so that he would know and not be schocked to hear it some other way. I did not expect any gift from him, and I did not have a wedding that involved invitations... and even if I had I would have expected him to come.

I'm guessing/hoping that in your case with kids being involved that you would probably be invited to the wedding (if it is that type of wedding) in which case I would suggest that you approach it as you would any other wedding. You may want to purchase a gift and give it from your children (I think that would probably be the proper thing to do).

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by ktimephoenix

i have no idea how long he's been dating her, but i am suspicious of people that remarry quickly.

At this point they have been dating more than a year...but perhaps not more than a year and a half. I'm not entirely sure of the timeline because he has (mercifully) stopped asking me for advice on every little thing. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated that he felt safe enough to ask for advice...and I wanted him to be successful at another relationship.

are you happy with jeff? if the answer is yes, then what difference will a bit of paper, or an egagement ring make? Mrs P. is always asking why we're not getting engaged yet. and i keep telling her that i take marriage seriously. if we're together for 5 years, then get engaged, or get engaged now, and married in 5 years, what is the difference?

Yes, we are pretty happy together. And I will have to respectfully disagree with your 'what's the difference' observation. To me, there is a difference. I don't necessarily buy into the fairytale crap...but it's more a level of respect and a whole host of other complicated things that are tied to the instituation of marriage. I do take it seriously as well.

This is going to sound horrible...but I just got out of bed 15 min ago and I can't think of a better way to explain it, so I apologize in advance if it doesn't come out quite right. If you spend 3, 5, or 10 years in a relationship with someone with whom you are matrimonially mismatched...as in it is something that the one partner desires to happen and something the other doesn't place a priority on (I don't mean to imply here that it's not something that isn't taken seriously, just that the other person doesn't place as high a priority on actually doing it and it is assuming that all is going well in the relationship)...then I think it can lead to problems. Regardless of how great the relationship is, after years of being with someone that either has marriage lower on the priority list for whatever reason (want to make sure they are 'sure', more of a been there done that attitude, or they've been burned in the past)...I think it can lead into resentment, I'm good enough to fold his shirts, and fuck...but not good enough to marry...or regret/lament over potential missed opportunities with someone they might be more matrimonially matched with.

And perhaps it's just semantics...but I do correct people that just assume that Jeff is my husband. I am not Mrs. anything right now. I'm not ugly about it...but particuarly in a swing situation, I don't want people to feel like they've been hoodwinked in the slightest sense so if they ask about my husband...I respond with 'my boyfriend' or 'my SO'.

speeding up the process just to get some numbers the same smacks of immaturity, or a tthe least, no real regard for the enormity of the step of getting married.

Well...they have both been married before, so I'm not sure if its a total disregard for the enormity of getting married. But, then again I was left scratching my head over the fuss to get married on 7/7/07...I mean, if you think all 7s will make you luckier...well...I just don't get it. Plus, my ex and I were married in September...so perhaps he's just a little superstitious of getting married again in that month.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I think you need to look deeper into this question and talk to Jeff about it. If it bothers you enough to post it, then it's something that needs to be examined more closely. It's possible that you've both agreed you don't want to remarry and that this is just a twinge of jealousy because your ex is doing something your not (even tho you've chosen not to).

We have talked about it a bit before. During one of the conversations he seemed entirely flabbergasted by the fact that someone would break up an otherwise good relationship over one person wanting to get married and the other one not wanting to. But I guess the fact is, it is something that is pretty important to me and if it is not that important to him...why not move on and find someone who shares more common values?

I know he was burned in the two previous marriages, one ended badly...and the other was a 16 year long relationship (they got married after 8 years), that one didn't end horribly but I think they had some major personality conflicts (like sticking 2 alpha dogs in the same room and watching the sparks fly). The divorce was amicable enough and they still speak.

But overall I think both experieces have left him slightly jaded and a bit more than reluctant to do it again. lol My personal issue with that kind of blanket feeling is that you are punishing me for someone else's and your mistakes. I have that feeling in more situations than just where marriage is concerned, I find it unfair to project feelings/thoughts/predicting actions/etc onto someone. It means you aren't paying attention to the situation fully, you are making alot of assumptions.

All I can say is that he is aware that I would like to get married. I'm not sure if it's just that I am in school and not working at the moment that is a deterrent to him asking or if that is just a stalling tactic. I do know that if we did get married right now, there would be much more out of pocket cost and much less finaicial aid from the school.

I have to answer this from the other side, as I was the one who got married first. I had a difficult time telling my ex that I was getting re-married (it had been 4 years) for no other reason than I don't like hurting people and I did not know if it would hurt him.

We've been divorced for about 3 1/2 years...so I knew one of these days one of us would be having to initiate this conversation. And I take the same attitude as you, and I'm pretty sure my ex did as well. He also took the approach of not wanting someone else to tell me (especially the kids).

I'm guessing/hoping that in your case with kids being involved that you would probably be invited to the wedding (if it is that type of wedding) in which case I would suggest that you approach it as you would any other wedding. You may want to purchase a gift and give it from your children (I think that would probably be the proper thing to do).

With it being so soon...I don't think it's going to be a huge affair, I think just a garden wedding at home...and the fact that he's in WV and I'm in Texas and will be in class and unable to travel, I will not be able to go. I would like to, particuarly for the kids sake (altho they are pretty excited about it). I will probably send a gift from me and the kids.

[ktimephoenix]

[quote=sexcupid;334317]At this point they have been dating more than a year...but perhaps not more than a year and a half. I'm not entirely sure of the timeline because he has (mercifully) stopped asking me for advice on every little thing. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated that he felt safe enough to ask for advice...and I wanted him to be successful at another relationship.



Yes, we are pretty happy together. And I will have to respectfully disagree with your 'what's the difference' observation. To me, there is a difference. I don't necessarily buy into the fairytale crap...but it's more a level of respect and a whole host of other complicated things that are tied to the instituation of marriage. I do take it seriously as well.

This is going to sound horrible...but I just got out of bed 15 min ago and I can't think of a better way to explain it, so I apologize in advance if it doesn't come out quite right. If you spend 3, 5, or 10 years in a relationship with someone with whom you are matrimonially mismatched...as in it is something that the one partner desires to happen and something the other doesn't place a priority on (I don't mean to imply here that it's not something that isn't taken seriously, just that the other person doesn't place as high a priority on actually doing it and it is assuming that all is going well in the relationship)...then I think it can lead to problems. Regardless of how great the relationship is, after years of being with someone that either has marriage lower on the priority list for whatever reason (want to make sure they are 'sure', more of a been there done that attitude, or they've been burned in the past)...I think it can lead into resentment, I'm good enough to fold his shirts, and fuck...but not good enough to marry...or regret/lament over potential missed opportunities with someone they might be more matrimonially matched with. [\quote]

No hard feelings on this end, and i hope what i say comes out right.

The higher level of respect and responsibility may have applied 50 years ago, but now that marriage is as easy to get out of as a defacto relationship (at least in Australia, where defacto for 3 years you have the same legal rights to 1/2 the assets AND no prenup exists to protect one party or the other). it may also apply for those that dont' swing... a way of saying "i'm absolutely yours now", but considering the website we're on, that one doesn't apply either. personally i feel it's more respectful to wait a few years before marrying, instead of treating it like a "well that didn't work out, we'll divorce". but each to their own.

I hear you on the mismatch problem, but really, if someone is going to resent me for wanting to wait, to give the marriage the best shot at working, then maybe they haven't got the right attitude to life. if it's fair enough to say "i'm good enough to fold his shirts, but not to marry" then it's fair enough to say "i'm good enough to spend 3 hours of my day in a car driving you to and from work, but not good enough to wait to marry?"

i can only go on Mrs P's and my relationship, not knowing yours and Jeffs, but if someone thinks that they are being slighted because they won't be married by 2009, because a married relationship is "more" than a defacto one, i think that they definately are focussing on the wrong thing... a snippet from our lives to illustrate the point... i'm not trying to sound like a hero, just looking for where the gold band would have made a difference?:

I fail to see how the ring on the finger will make a significant difference when, in the last 2 years of dating i have done the following (which some wouldn't even do for a spouse):

Been a shoulder to cry on,
been a friend,
been there when her family broke apart.
gone into debt to put a roof over her head.
supported her financially when she couldn't work.
stayed up months on end looking after her due to her chronic illness.
been her representation with government departments when her mum's tax fraud incurred a huge debt on Mrs P.
gave up my things to pay for her medical treatment.
Saved her life when a Dr's wrongful prescription caused her to OD on her other meds.
Drove her to every shop, job interview, and function she ever needed to go.
flew her interstate for holidays when she needed to get away from her problems.
Cut off a close friend of mine when they did wrong by Mrs P.
Loved her and accepted her for who she is. through her battle with Chroans, depression, obesity.
Forgiven her her mistakes,
and still managed to squeeze in some good times.

to me, that sounds like the job of a husband, minus the gold band.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by ktimephoenix

No hard feelings on this end, and i hope what i say comes out right.

No hard feelings here either, I try to put a disclaimer when I'm not precisely coherent because I'm usually a bit more blunt.

Unfortunately in this country there really aren't any legal protections in place for co-habiting couples. Here in Texas to even be considered a common law marriage, you have to go to the courthouse and file paperwork. My response to that is 'wtf?!' If you have to do all that, why not just get married anyway?

And some of the things that you have done in/for your relationship...you are right there are many men that wouldn't do it even if they had the ring...and for those that don't, many would have been out the door as well.

For the record, I am not trying to imply that a married relationship is particuarly anymore important than any other LTR...but damn it, my stance on that is probably the only old fashioned/conservative thing about me and I'm going to stick to it. And I think that if you are going into it thinking...eh if this doesn't work, no biggie we can just get divorced...then you aren't going into a marriage with the right attitude. (Altho the judge that married my ex- and I did make a joke to the effect that they were a one stop shop and if things didn't work out then they could take care of that too....)

[ktimephoenix]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

(Altho the judge that married my ex- and I did make a joke to the effect that they were a one stop shop and if things didn't work out then they could take care of that too....)

now that is funny.

It's amazing how different the laws are in very similar cultures. over here, for family benefits/ government assistance, if you've lived with a member of the opposite sex for more than 6 months, your considered in a marriage like relationship, and expected to support each other. ignore the fact that i might be a gay 19 year old, and my housemate a 80 year old lady, it is up to us to PROVE to the government we are not in a defacto relationship.

I guess my point got lost way back when i went on a tangent.

The best way I think, to deal with the news, is to look at your relationship with Jeff. If he's worth waiting for, then it shouldn't hurt to give it a little longer. If not... then be glad your not married to him

i guess i do the same thing when my friends buy a new sports car. i look at my trusty old beast with her sticky power windows, and kidney shaking ride, then think of the loan repayments, and how the recent interest rate hikes hasn't stung me at all, and stick with her.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by ktimephoenix

.The best way I think, to deal with the news, is to look at your relationship with Jeff. If he's worth waiting for, then it shouldn't hurt to give it a little longer. If not... then be glad your not married to him

[bryanlee]

Well, here is something that has affected me in the past. I have been married/divorced before and Sharon is the first actual relationship i was in after that divorce. There were other women, but nobody i came close to caring for. After some time I started thinking of marriage. I never proposed, but i did try to talk to her about it and get her thoughts on a few different occasions. After talking to her it became apparent that she was not interested in marriage at that point in her life. At first i took it that she just didn't want to marry me. That was not the case, but for some reason it was hard for me not to see it that way.

After I got over the idea that she just wasn't interested in marriage because of me, I started to think about why i wanted to get married again. I couldn't come up with any good reasons, lol. It's not to say that she isn't the person I want to be with when i grow old, but i just no longer feel that when the time is right I will know.

We have been living together for almost two years now and I'm not sure what getting married would change for us besides wearing a ring, which in all honesty is annoying to me.

I would try to understand all of his reasons for not feeling ready for marriage before i worried myself too much or walked away from an otherwise good relationship.

On a side note, I like knowing that she has the freedom to get up and leave everyday, yet she chooses to remain by my side through good times and not so good.

[cataryna]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

I know that many folks here are on second marriages. So I guess the main point of this little tale of woe is: if your ex- was remarried before you were, how did you handle it? Did you send a gift? Is there an etiquitte for this sort of thing?

When mine remarried recently I was slightly bothered by it, but it was more in the lines of pitying myself. "Why did he find the one, before me? Why does he get to get remarried, but I'm not." I was happy for him...but admittedly it did make me jealous, not because I still loved him in any way, but more along the lines of why am I not good enough to marry. It makes you think something is wrong with you. It makes you question your relationship, especially if it's longer than the one your x is in. For me it was basically a pity party.

I realized at the end of my little pity party that I was wrong to feel sorry for myself. Manimal and I have been together for 2.5 years. We are not married. When we first started dating we both were very adamant about not ever getting married again. It was something we definitely were not going to do AT ALL EVER AGAIN. Since that time our opinions on marriage have changed. We now talk about the possibility and have even gone so far as to say where and how, but just not when. I know that I have the best relationship I have ever had and will probably ever have and that being married will not change any part of our relationship. As far as we're concerned we are already married in our hearts. I realized I was simply feeling one-upped by my ex.

So I guess you have to ask yourself, will being married to Jeff change your relationship? Are you wanting to get married simply to be married; are you wanting to get married because your ex is and it's not fair that you're not; or are you wanting to get married because you truly love Jeff and can see yourself growing old with him? If it's the last, then give him the time he needs to move past his insecurities about marriage, he may just surprise you one day. If it's either one of the first two then maybe you need to reassess what marriage means to you.

Either way "In the fearless and wreckless pursuit of intimate love, it is not the destination, it is the journey."

BTW...I did not send a gift but I did congratulate them and tell them I was very happy for them.

[prettylady]

My ex moved in with his current girl friend so fast I'm not sure my smell had left the bed yet.
Recently they informed the kids that she was pregnant. I found out through the kids, not a great feeling, but hey its thier lifes and I'm not a part of it any longer.
Thing is, I look at what they have and then look at what I have. In my eyes I am the better off.
I have a boyfriend who I took my time finding and we are moving in together this August, but we will have been together just short of two years. So I know this is what I want. I waited for both me and the kids to be ready for this new life.
As for them having a baby and me not having one. HA! I am 36 yrs old, my kids are 9 and 10. In just 8-9 years I will be free to do as I please and not have to worry about curfews and bedtimes. They still have another 18+ years to go.
Was I hurt by the news....Ya abit, even though you know your relationship is over and it is not something you want to pursue, the option is still kinda there. Now you HAVE to face the fact that that life you shared with your EX is truly over, that chapter is done.
That means change and having to move on in your life. These are things that humans have a hard time doing.

I don't think it is jelousy you are feeling but rather a sadness at a part of your life (a very big part of your life) has just come to a definate end.
Stop looking at what you don't have and take a long hard look at what you do have.
I think you have it pretty good.
I kinda like the sound of "my lover" over "my husband' anyway. It tells a person EXACLY WHAT your partner IS not just who he is.

Your friend
Prettylady

[Malachista]

The ex that left me two days before the wedding is also going to get married on 08-08-08.

I wonder if he once again will run away the moment things are getting serious.
(Last year he got together with a girl pregnant from another man and left a few days after the baby was born)

But the thing that really gets to me is that he wants to do this marrige with all the things he called "over-romantic bullsh..." when it came to our wedding
You know, the dress, the people, the rings....

And I have not even managed to get into another relationship in those past 5 years...

[ktimephoenix]

I don't know how i forgot to mention this earlier, cataryna's post reminded me.

My reaction to finding out my Ex Fiance was engaged again... "Thank god it's not me getting hitched to her".

your first "love" really does make you overlook serious character flaws.