My Best Friend situation....basically all friend situation

[Ellyanne77]

Elly (the wife) here...
So here is my non swinging situation:

Hubby and I have been together for 11 years. We adore each other and are best friends. When we met he had this great group of friends and family that all hung out all the time. I had a smaller group of friends mostly guys who never really got along with him. I really had a ton of fun with all of them but had to eventually lose touch with my friends and really got attached to all of hubby's friends. They are wonderful and still a huge part of our lives minus a few girlfriends or boyfriends along the way.
So last year on a friends group trip to Florida one of the friends brought his girlfriend. She and I instantly clicked but b/c I've had to deal with this particular friend going through girlfriends like loaves of bread I tried my best not to get close to her and in all of our conversations I let her know that if we were to be friends we couldn't discuss this particular guy in fear of me eventually having to chose sides if they were to breakup. Within months they broke up.

I was there for her with open arms and she eventually over the past year has become the absolute best friend (and only girl friend I really have to myself that wasn't part of the original group). She constantly traveled to where we live and we did the same. Every time I would listen to all her problems etc. etc.

Now that she has this guy lately we cannot do anything unless we go out with the 4 of us together. This weekend she came into town again (to visit the guy who also lives near us). I let her know I had a few things going on and wanted to have a girl night or afternoon to talk and spend some time.
Well she has blown me off. She really doesn't have time and suggested I travel to where she lives soon and do a girls weekend. I don't travel out of town or go out to bars without my husband or one of his friends just don't want to put myself into one of those situations. Thus I won't be going there without him. I don't need time away from my hubby and children I just need a few hours with a girlfriend.

Is this too much to ask? Do you have friends (I have 2) that when their life is bad you are there for them but when you just want to talk or tell them what is going on with you they aren't there????
Why is it that I am the pick up the pieces of their life girl? Why can't they be the ear that I need to talk to girl? My life is great I just want to talk to a girl friend every now and then and just don't think that is such a bad thing!!!

[sweet_tna]

I know just what you mean, Elly. Wish you lived closer, because I've found myself in the same spot many a time. I've bent over backwards to be there for a friend, but then she can't seem to find the time to be there for me. One of my friends, whom I've known since 2nd grade can't even remember my birthday, and it's three weeks before hers! But what can ya' do?

No, I don't think it's too much to ask for your friend to spend a few hours with you, but if she's not willing, then you're better off without her. Hopefully, you'll find someone that WILL be there for you.

[Ellyanne77]

Thanks for the response. I just never know maybe I'm overreacting but it's just one of those things that completely drives me nuts. I think it is a major reason that more women have guy friends than girl friends and thats bad. I'm the worst when it comes to talking on the phone with people and I know thats big for some. I chat via email during the day b/c that is all I can really do while at work. When I get home I have two children and a husband to take care of so by the time I sit down I don't want to pick up the phone.
That being said I'm the first one at anyone's door for a breakup, childbirth, marriage or divorce I'll be there even if its just a crappy or great day. But not the same when it's me. I'm lucky I've got a great husband but I don't want to complain to him sometimes I just need a girlfriend.

[sweet_tna]

If you're overreacting, then so am I. (shrugs) And I tend to "gel" more with my male friends than my female friends, too. Could it be because they're lower maintenance?

(Uh-oh, there goes my positive post rating . . .)

[havefuninsun]

I know where you ladies are coming from. Elly, I say give her a little time. New relationships are interesting to manage, and she's still in that puppy love state with the new guy.

There is a core group of four of us who swear we're going to get together monthly. We saw each other over the Christmas holiday, and had a blast. Before that, though, it was last summer.

We try to keep up with each other through emails and phone calls ... and even calling each other isn't that often. We have seen each of us go through divorces, deal with teenagers, one of the girls' daughter is about to graduate from College and another is engaged to get married. Three of the four of us has remarried ... one went through hell with a boyfriend. It's a great bond.

Fortunately for me, Mr. Fun is all about me spending time with my "ya-ya's." Frankly, he enjoys alone time, so it's a win-win situation. One of the husbands is possessive, but my friend has finally got through to him that she needs this time too.

As frustrating as it is, just give your ya-ya some time, Elly ... she'll get through that puppy love stage and hopefully her new bo isn't a control freak.

[JustAskJulie]

It sounds to me like you are asking her to do exactly what you just said you don't want to do. You are in a committed relationship and therefore you prefer to do things with your husband involved. You want to spend time with her alone but on your terms (when she is in town where you are). She now has a boyfriend that she is evidently serious about (thus wanting to include him in her time with you guys, which says a lot about how she feels about both him and you guys) and therefore wants to include him in everything. Not to mention she has to travel to a different town to see HIM, so if she sees him so limited then of course she's going to want to take advantage of that as much as possible.

The hardest thing about getting into a relationship is keeping your single friends (or your friends in general). I have found this with my best friend as well (a single guy). When my Pet was living a distance and I had more time to myself I spent most of that time with my best friend. however, now that my Pet is here with me when I go out I want him with me. I have to make a concerted effort to actually go hang out with my best friend with just he and I, not that I don't want to spend time with him but because I want to spend as much time with my Pet as I can.

Put yourself in her shoes and try to think through it from that perspective.

[Ellyanne77]

Absolutely I completely understand what you are saying. But I've never felt like asking someone to spend 3 hours away from someone was too much. She on the other hand is requesting more than that.
I understand how hard it is to spend time with friends when the option of spending time with the one you love is there as well. I just feel like he spent last week and weekend in her town then she traveled here and can't give me 3 hours? She has only gone 1 day without him. I have been with hubby for 11 years and adore him but I am always willing to give a friend at least 3 hours without him to talk about whatever they would like to say without the spouses/b-friends there.

I do here what you are saying and haven't pushed the point. We will just see how things go and hopefully I'll see her again soon.

[dragonblade]

I totally understand here too. It's a big reason I'm more easily friends with men than with women.. though I've had some male friends do the same too. Always come to me with issues but when I have them myself *poof* no where to be found. I've started cutting people like that out of my life and sticking with the ones that actually know what friendship and reciprocity are. I've been happier since.

Of course, I'm not necessarily suggesting you do the same, just what worked for me. I tend to believe that a few good friends are a lot better than a bunch of crappy ones. Although in my case I do believe it to be a matter of maturity (though to be sure I've come across people much older than myself that are less mature) but whereas I'm married with 3 kids and a lot of responsibility, very few of my friends in my age group have any semblance of that kind of responsibility. It's why I tend to gravitate toward those 30ish and up even being mid twenties myself.

Okay, rant over. I swear I'm not this pessimistic in everyday life!

[JustAskJulie]

She has only gone 1 day without him.

I'm a little confused I was under the impression that the guy she is seeing lives in the same town with you, not in the town with her? So they only got to see each other if they travelled to each other as well?

[Hellsgate]

Yeah. I've been there. Not in the exact same situation but hanging out with people that expect you to bend over backwards for them but don't see the smallest benefit in taking the slightest bit of personal initiative in their relationship with you. Lots of narcisistic, uptight-sounding excuses in the meantime. Then, start leaving messages on your machine demanding to know where the hell you were on their wedding day (to another guy) and wondering why you're threatening to call the police, tape record her calls & hand them (with the answering machine messages) over to her new husband/in-laws & the Provincial Courts.