Secrets to a successful marriage

[telly2]

Why do people use "divorce" as a threat when upset?

It is like the catch phrase of the times. If you step out of line
It is divorce. In our relationship, that isn't even a word in our vocabulary, I think we are strange, as the divorce rate is 52% on this continent. Maybe it was our upbringing, but it isn't even a option, let alone a word used out of anger. Are marriage vows that meaningless that we can throw the D word around like it means nothing. I think i was born in the wrong time. I belive in the old ways you married someone for life.

I can understand if there is abuse or cheating but it seems in todays society there is no reason to small to warrent a divorce, actually you don't need a real reason at all.

So maybe the way this should go is for those of us who have never been divorced, What is your secret to a great longlasting marriage?

Ours communication, honesty and intimacy, It has worked for 12 yrs.so far.

[Mr.T]

I'm gonna add my bit here.

Sometimes disagreements (I hate the term Fights) occur that even communication can't imediately calm.This is where my advice fits.

Know when to speak up and when to shut up.

Sometimes forcing your position can only make matters worse.Ask yourself if something is really worth fighting for if it can cost you a happy relationship.If you really believe you're right,stand your ground but be reasonable about it.If not,For gods sake don't push it.

Quote from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy:

I'd much rather be happy than right any day.

[flkeyscouple]

Originally Posted by Mr.T

I'd much rather be happy than right any day.

Dito Good quote, Mr. T. I'm not sure I am always living by this quote, but I sure wish I would. Sometimes I'm too pigheaded, but my hubby is SO wonderful and knows I'm simply being pigheaded. And he KNOWS I'd much rather be happy than right!!

Sarah

[DGrey]

LOL...when Dino and I argue or hash it out I remind him that it will cost him more to get rid of me than it will to keep me. Works every time.

E

[rebelnangel]

Well,i Have Been Married Once Before.but It Was Nothing Compared To My Present Marriage.i Would Never Divorce My Hubby,threaten To Divorce Him Or Even Let An Arguement Get Out Of Hand.i Would Rather Give In If It's Something Mundane Or Stupid,because I Do Not Plan To Ever Be Without My Love.if We Have An Arguement,i Come In To Play Online,he Goes To Play His Video Games.when We Calm Down,we Talk.this Is The Best Relationship I Have Ever Had.....i Plan On Keeping Him

[MrsVan]

Wow! Where to begin...Let me first state that as you all have read, MrVan and I have been previously married before finding each other so I won't bore you with the details again. We both started off at a young age by having children and getting married and guess for me it was a lot of "I thought I knew what I was doing" kind of thing and thought that my marriage would never end.

I am a firm believer that you marry your spouse for life, for better or worse, in sickness and in health and I hold true to those statements. However, I would never throw those words around to my spouse just because we had a disagreement. Now my first marriage, I tried to save it before it fell apart but more and more things happened and well guess I got some sense knocked into me and realized that I needed to get out and get out fast and divorce was not a word just thrown around for him to change, it was an action that was taken and I do not regret that decision.

Now MrVan and I have been together going on 9 years (wow that is a really long time ) but married for 3 going on 4 next year but in our time together we have never had a fight where we were so mad at each other that we wanted to call it quits. Actually MrVan and I never fight in anger and we tend to just disagree, talk about how we feel and then move on. It is interesting as our children see at our ex's houses' the fighting and constant argueing and when they make a comment about us we ask them "how often do you see us fight" and their response is "never".

MrVan and I learned from our first marriages that the #1 reason for a successful marriage is COMMUNICATION. The second most important reasons is TRUST and the third is RESPECT. Communication + Trust+ Respect = a successful marriage ( and then throw in the lifestyle and wow that is a successful marriage++++). We both had been cheated on in our previous marraiges and we both are not ones to cheat, we are madly in love with each other and I never see that changing. Actually it was pretty funny this evening as I took my daughters out to a movie and dinner and my oldest (12) brought a friend and somehow we got on the topic of name changes and why woman have to change their last names when they get married. My youngest went through my maiden name, then my name from their father and now my name with MrVan and I said to them that "this is the last name I will take and this will be my name for the rest of my life" and my daughters just smiled but the friend said " i think it will be" and then smiled. I took it as a compliment that the friend sees the relationship that MrVan and I have as well and I hope that our children learn from us as well. We tend to make our children sick because we are a very affectionate, passionate loving couple who wants the whole world to see how much we mean to each other.

Sorry for the long post but this is a post that is very dear to me as I have found everything in MrVan and would never want any of that to change.

MrsVan

PS- Having an amazing sex life is also a reason as having that intimacy and passion, makes you realize just how much you love the one your with.

[MoonLightKiss]

What makes a successful marraige? If the answer was easy we could all be rich psychologists repairing everyones marraige and the divorce rate would drop to .01%. Its different for each couple, because each person is different and wants different things out of marraige. But through observing my parents who are going on 20+ years and in my own marraige it has basically boiled down to "How much are willing to work to make it work?"

There are couples who do respect each other, communicate somewhat and they still end up divorced. They end up being great friends afterwards, but one day they both wake up and realize "Gee...this isn't all I thought it was. Think I will get a divorce. Hope the kids are okay with it."

And there are those couples who are completely mistreating each other and everyone around them who for some reason stick it out. Go figure.

As far as my own marraige which is really the only one I can comment on, it comes down to several things. The Mrs. thoughts: 1. Is what I am fixing to argue over really worth standing my ground for? 2. Is it possible we are arguing over a surface problem instead of the root of the matter, and if so how do I dig out the source? 3. Keep him physically satisfied, and I won't even have to ask him to keep my emotionally satisfied. Cause lets face it women. Men need sex to feel close to their women. Women need to feel close to be able to make love to their men. Its okay for women to give in first in this case. 4. NEVER NEVER throw the D word around. Do not use it unless you really mean it, and I am not talking about meaning it right now. If you use it, be damn sure you want it. And for crying out loud, PLEASE do not use it to get your spouse to tow the line. Its no better than manipulation.

The Mr.s thoughts (though the mrs. types faster so she is editing while he speaks) : 1. Hug, kiss, cuddle and emotionally satisfy the wife. She needs it. 2. Remember this question, Do you really want to be so prideful you have to be right. Because pride ends up with you alone. 3. I agree with the Mrs. Do not use the D word. We don't take it as a threat but as a blast to our manhood. Our first thoughts are usually "We must not be good enough if she wants a divorce."

Those basic guidelines have kept us happier than anything else. We have argued less, and when we did, it was over a worthwhile subject. We have been happier emotionally and physically. And since we have begun walking down the road of swinging, the communication skills we have learned have only enhanced a happy marraige. Just our thoughts...Sorry post so long.

Mr. & Mrs. MLK

[rpu3]

I'm sure everyone has their own secret to their relationship success, given that each relationship is unique.

We discuss this on occasion, and mostly we discuss that we are each rather independent people, who are together by choice, and that's why it works for us. I didn't want to get married at all and only did it because the spousal unit had no issue with my ridiculous demands, such as being married in Las Vegas by Elvis (I figured the more ridiculous the wedding, the better chance it would outlast milk).

We feel we are very "tight", even though we might be leading separate lives occasionally due to work demands, or outside interests, etc. We enjoy our time together thoroughly, and but also enjoy a certain amount of freedom in doing things for ourselves (i.e., he obtained his advanced degree, I pursue my outside interests, or travel on my own if his schedule doesn't allow it).

We've found we have a lot of room or flexibility or freedom to be who we are without placing expectations on the other. At the same time, we are aware of the issues that can't be independent decisions or actions. That flexibility with the awareness, as well as being very open and honest in communication, is what keeps our relationship together and makes it interesting for us.

[oddcouple2841]

I know with my ex the absolute end came when she thought she had found someone else she "loved" and she did not feel that way about me anymore. S and I have talked on this a lot. Looking back before the end came I can see there was a real breakdown in communication. I also realize that I was spending more time trying to avoid her. We had simply moved onto separate courses in our lives or "grown apart" if you will. We had both stopped trying to please the other and simply were trying not to aggravate the other one.

IMO - marriage is like a flower garden, two have planted the seeds together early on but that garden needs constant tending. Weeds must be pulled with communication, it must be watered with constant meaningful dialog and honesty, it must be fertilized with a little excitement and both must be willing to adapt to conditions that develop during a lifetime of change.

Anger and resentment build over time. A couple must work constantly to purge old hurts or infractions or these will build to a point that they destroy the relationship. An understanding attitude and realization that no person is perfect will go a long way towards preventing the kinds of blowups that result in the demise of a relationship. Saying you forgive but then dredging up old transgressions at every argument will sooner or later build to a point that destroys any relationship.

Trust, Ronald Reagan said "trust but verify". This is important, had I not simply trusted my ex her transgressions would not have gotten to the point of no return. With S and her little indiscretion would not have occurred had I taken a more active approach. Trust is good, blind trust is foolish. I am not saying to brow beat your partner questioning every move but get enough information to see when something is indeed afoot. When you have enough questions to become suspicious, confront it. Don't let whatever you're suspicions about reach the point that it is too large to recover from.

[flkeyscouple]

I'll try to keep this short and sweet.....
Roger and I have been together 25 years, married 20 of those. However I was previously married and divorced. I won't go into those details but sufice it to say that 90% of those problelms were mine - not my ex husbands. I went through major psychiatric councelling after my divorce and learned mountains about why I did the things I did.

I met Roger while going through all the councelling (sp?). We truly believe we are soul mates. We agreed from the beginning on total honesty. It's been great. We are each other's best friend. We've always had a very active sex life and our passion has been outstanding. We attribute our wonderful marriage and relationship to those things. Honesty, Communication, Passion, Sex Life, Love, Friendship - not necessarily in that order! I think they are all #1 on the list!!

Sarah

[Mr. Truelove]

All the people here have had such great comments it would be hard to add or improve them.

Many people are listing things that are great in a relationship, things that really help. But if I were to list one thing that I thought was undeniably true, one thing that you cannot have a good marriage without, that would be honesty. It's a real shame when I see marriages that do not have that.

My parent lack this virtue. They have been married for close to 40 years now. They have reasons and ways that keep them together, but I wouldn't call it by my definition successful.

Mr. Truelove

[telly2]

Mr Truelove, I think you hit the mail on the head, Parents relationships.
For myself my parents were married till death do us part, it wasn't always easy, Dad was a heavy drinker and mom put up with it, till he almost die of a heart atack at 48, then that life stopped, and Mom was the doting leave it to beaver wife till she die at 50, they went through hell togehter because of illness, and mom went through hell because of dads drinking, But they always stuck it out. Was it a great success not from what i remember, but to them it was a commitment and there was no backing out.
MR T's parents weren't much better, little affection, apparently sexless, a marrieage of convienience from his dad's side and she was madly in love and there was no changing her mind. She to died very young 54 if i remember correctly. {i never met her}

So now that i have board you with that, Me and Mr T have taken what we grew up with and swore never would we be like that, I would never put up with the drinking, and he is a very affectionate type, So maybe seeing the hard marriages set us up for what we wanted out of our own relationships.

The other thing we got married young 21& 22 so we have more or less grown up together, with the attitude we would never be the stat that young marriages fail more than older, I think as we weren't Set in our ways yet, we had a better chance to combine our lives with out having to change alot of things,{like getting rid of his ugly chair because it didn't match my furniture} . I will never say it has always been easy, we have had our toubles but we have always stuck together and would never turn on our vows to get a head in anyway.
Sorry about the rambling, but i think it was an important point, we either want what our parents have {like i hope our children are learning from} or we want to have better if thier relationships were difficult. But if we learn at a young age that marriages are disposable, then we live that way. So many see parents in and out of relationships that they never learn to fight for anything. Things get to hard leave no need to fight for it. I will now hop off my and lets see what oth er ideas come out.
Chantal

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by telly2

taken what we grew up with and swore never would we be like that

Exactly!

Mr. truelove

[EvilMJ]

I too refuse to go the route my parents went. I love them both but there are times I look at my mother and wonder why in hell she stayed with this man who treats her with so little respect.

Our marriage works for several reasons:

1. I understand his job- he has to work long hours, in the winter he can be gone for days. I realize that he doesn't have control of this and he isn't out cheating on me. I see so many of the guys that I work with who separate becuase their wives don't understand why they work so much.

2. We communicate when there is a problem and the problems is, we don't let things fester. If I feel he isn't carrying his weight in the housework department I tell him, if he thinks I am being particualrly cranky he tells me.

3. We never hold a grudge and we never threaten divorce. I may ask him if he is happy being married to me and if he isn't he should tell me, but that is as close as that gets. I find once we have our little row then we are fine and things are back to normal.

4. We both want to make our marriage work. If that's not there, then nothing is.

5. Oh and that last but not least we respect that we both need time away. He likes to do his hunting, sporting events stuff with the guys, I like to go play pool or dancing with the girls. No one gets bent out of shape if the other wants to go out once in a while.

We respect each other and love each other and we try to play the game of putting yourself in the other person's shoes. It keeps things in perspective.

The Mr. says that a back rub always keeps him in the good books too.

[flkeyscouple]

An opposing point of view - maybe....

My parents just celebrated their 60th anniversary. They are a very loving couple. I remember as a kid they would always be kissing in the kitchen and our dog would go nuts barking at them. They have a slew of kids so we know they had sex! But they are VERY religious, VERY conservative, VERY strict, and VERY set in their ways.

I can't say "taken what we grew up with and swore never would we be like that" because they were good roll models in their respect and care for each other. I NEVER heard them fight or argue - they may have, but NEVER in front of the kids/grandkids. But I can say that we choose to be less set in our ways, less strict, less conservative, and less religious - so maybe it was because of the way we were raised?? Hard to say.

But the respect and admiration my parents still have for each other is a great model for us, our kids, and their great-grandchildren.

Sarah